Not a new poster but a new name; please don't out me if you recognise me. Long, sorry.
I have a fairly good plan involving large amounts of propranolol (about 3.3g), some diazepam and codeine to make the whole thing less unpleasant, and some metoclopramide or prochlorperazine to prevent throwing it up. I have several very good reasons to kill myself and am scared of the part of myself which makes and carries out plans like this (I have been very nearly successful before).
I can't talk to people in my life and can't fix any of my problems. I've been spending the last few weeks (when I look back at them) wrecking my life by spending all my money, having sex with all the wrong people, and taking all the wrong drugs. I've realised over the last few hours that I have no friends and have been noticing and identifying the exact flaws which cause me to lose all my friends. I can do nothing to help my only friend who is ill and doesn't know it, her drug-dealer boyfriend is sexually jealous of me and knows where I live, my friend has begun to realise why most people don't stay my friends for long, I have alienated everyone except my DP who would be far better off wihtout me fucking him over, and I arrived home today stoned and paranoid to a really shitty online situation.
Ive also been experiencing powerful obsessions over the last few days involving stabbing myself with a knife in the belly or neck and cannot stop thinking about it, which is no way to live. I'm nearly thirty and have not yet been a normal adult.
As far as I understand the propranolol has a good chance of causing some kind of CV disruption in doses over 3g and with any luck there should be some extra bradycardia and CNS depression from the other drugs. But then I was fairly confident about some of the other combinations I have researched similarly, and have also come across suggestions that this might not work. But I'm also scared of the consequences of failure. I will not go into a hospital again - it's worse than death - and I won't take medication. But if I tell anyone in my real life that I'm worried that the part of me that wants death is bigger and darker than it was, I suspect I will be strongly encouraged to take drugs. If I attempt and fail I might be made to take drugs or be "persuaded" to go into hospital. I'm not sure I can convince myself not to do it and there should be things I can do to increase the chances of success. But i'm also scared I might be making the wrong decision.
Fuck.