Feeling very suicidal

[EnpoTree]

Not a new poster but a new name; please don't out me if you recognise me. Long, sorry.

I have a fairly good plan involving large amounts of propranolol (about 3.3g), some diazepam and codeine to make the whole thing less unpleasant, and some metoclopramide or prochlorperazine to prevent throwing it up. I have several very good reasons to kill myself and am scared of the part of myself which makes and carries out plans like this (I have been very nearly successful before).

I can't talk to people in my life and can't fix any of my problems. I've been spending the last few weeks (when I look back at them) wrecking my life by spending all my money, having sex with all the wrong people, and taking all the wrong drugs. I've realised over the last few hours that I have no friends and have been noticing and identifying the exact flaws which cause me to lose all my friends. I can do nothing to help my only friend who is ill and doesn't know it, her drug-dealer boyfriend is sexually jealous of me and knows where I live, my friend has begun to realise why most people don't stay my friends for long, I have alienated everyone except my DP who would be far better off wihtout me fucking him over, and I arrived home today stoned and paranoid to a really shitty online situation.

Ive also been experiencing powerful obsessions over the last few days involving stabbing myself with a knife in the belly or neck and cannot stop thinking about it, which is no way to live. I'm nearly thirty and have not yet been a normal adult.

As far as I understand the propranolol has a good chance of causing some kind of CV disruption in doses over 3g and with any luck there should be some extra bradycardia and CNS depression from the other drugs. But then I was fairly confident about some of the other combinations I have researched similarly, and have also come across suggestions that this might not work. But I'm also scared of the consequences of failure. I will not go into a hospital again - it's worse than death - and I won't take medication. But if I tell anyone in my real life that I'm worried that the part of me that wants death is bigger and darker than it was, I suspect I will be strongly encouraged to take drugs. If I attempt and fail I might be made to take drugs or be "persuaded" to go into hospital. I'm not sure I can convince myself not to do it and there should be things I can do to increase the chances of success. But i'm also scared I might be making the wrong decision.

Fuck.

Unfortunately
I have to keep the medications around.

Fuck what other people may think about you, they are not worth it.

I am calm but hoping DP will go to bed soon so i can make a proper decision one way or the other. It's just fucking hard to convince myself to ignore myself.

Do you think you can maybe flush some of the pills. Not them all in case you need them but just enough so you can't hurt yourself?

It's exhausting. When he's asleep I will be able to go for a long walk.

"Tomorrow bag up all these medication and take them to the pharmacy to get destroyed."

Really?! If you've been taking a lot of medication and then suddenly stop taking it all in one go... that's cold turkey. That's not good. If stopping the medication is the goal then seek medical advice and stop it gradually.

Seriously, all I've been taking is citalopram and I'm having to come off it frustratingly gradually because of withdrawal symptoms.

No please don't worry I will probably now be able to not take them but there is security in knowing they're there. Also my
solpadol is effervescent and may have interesting effects on the loo

Good to,see a smile on your reply. A walk sounds like a good idea unless you live in a dodgy area.

I've not been clear - I'm currently on no prescribed regular medication except for diabetes. I happen to have a lot of propranolol about, and have solpadol and diazepam and anti-emetics that I take as needed.

I'm not sad as such, just see no other way out.

elmo I will be cursing you in the morning when I'm too drag up for the school run

queen is right tho no one on here can give you proper advice.

And I wouldn't listen to my own advice never mind expect someone else too listen.

Sorry

www.helpguide.org/articles/suicide-prevention/suicide-help-dealing-with-your-suicidal-thoughts-and-feelings.htm

There's always another way.

I expect being deads quite rubbish.

Your only thirty. You said yourself youv been off the drugs for ages you've just had a little blip.

It is a sign of very severe depression that you start to feel numb, you don't actually feel sad or depressed at all. You don't have feelings for yourself or other people. So maybe you're depressed or maybe it's something else. Whatever it is though, you can get the right help and you can get better.

I am going to keep going on about this... but please call the Samaritans.

Also think of how your DP would feel if you tried to harm yourself and he found you... he would be devastated. Surely that's a reason not to do it?

Which drugs?

Identify triggers or situations that lead to feelings of despair or generate suicidal thoughts, such as an anniversary of a loss, alcohol, or stress from relationships. Find ways to avoid these places, people, or situations.

Take care of yourself. Eat right, don’t skip meals, and get plenty of sleep. Exercise is also key: it releases endorphins, relieves stress, and promotes emotional well-being.

Build your support network. Surround yourself with positive influences and people who make you feel good about yourself. The more you’re invested in other people and your community, the more you have to lose—which will help you stay positive and on the recovery track.

Develop new activities and interests. Find new hobbies, volunteer activities, or work that gives you a sense of meaning and purpose. When you’re doing things you find fulfilling, you’ll feel better about yourself and feelings of despair are less likely to return.

Learn to deal with stress in a healthy way. Find healthy ways to keep your stress levels in check, including exercising, meditating, using sensory strategies to relax, practicing simple breathing exercises, and challenging self-defeating thoughts.

I don't think I'm depressed.

EnpoTree, I didn't either. My DH had to drag me to the doctors.

You said you came home stoned. Weed can mess with your head as I keep telling DP not that he listens

I was only joking. I'm up anyway my youngest has decided to hit the terrible twos early and she's forgot what sleep is. Il be cursing her not you.

I'm pretty much convinced the same, in fact I think people don't like me just by looking at me. I know I can be difficult to get on with at times and sometimes it's a self fulfilling prophesy. I can slightly rationalise that it's probably not true, but I don't feel it. But I also know that I can change but I also need to heal more first so I have to give myself a break and not be too hard on myself. There are usually very understandable reasons for people to be so low and self destructive. Not everyone will understand but the ones who matter will. When you give yourself the chance to heal, with the right support, and change you can make a proper life for yourself.

If it is safe to do so, I would take a small amount of diazepam (2-5mg is all I have ever taken, 2mg tonight for chronic back pain) to calm your thoughts and get some sleep. Tomorrow is a new day with new opportunities and could be the day you start making those baby steps to change things. Don't struggle alone, get your DP on side with what you need to do (and what you don't need) to make things better.

Okay, but I have been trying these things - its going to the gym and talking to people and trying to have friends that's made me realise how much people don't like me

I really just want to stab myself in the neck

CALL THE SAMARITANS. I don't care if your DP is still up, tell him you're going for a walk and take your phone with you.

Yes I came home stoned but I don't feel that as a major problem in itself just that i don't normally need to shut my brain up like that

The OOH gave me 14 x 10mg diazepam for it the other day but I dontbtrust theirndrugs to do good things for me but only to hurt myself with

elmo please listen to anotheremma you need to talk to someone on the phone not over the internet (sad)