summer heat - in the village we'll meet....oh, those summer nights! support for MH issues, depression, anxiety, what ever the issue come visit the village [titled edited by MNHQ]

[SomethingVicardThisWayComes]

well a well a well a oh tell me more tell me more.....

new thread guys....feels funny doing the threads again! but nice....

so. for any newbies....the purpose of the "village" threads is to support anyone with MH issues....depression, anxiety, anything at all, for what ever reason.

there is an open door policy in the village! so pull up a pew and get stuck in....

Hi Pandora you aren't posting "self pitying twaddle" - the thread is for anyone who needs support with mental health issues. It sounds a tough call to be doing a degree at the same time as you are going through this distressing upheaval in your life. Presumably there are student counsellors at your Uni that might be of help? I am on Sertraline too - what dosage do you take? I'm on 150mgs at present and psych might increase to 200 - not sure yet.

Fluffy glad that things are relatively stable and you haven't had any "messages" just recently.

pulledapart sounds like you are struggling at the moment and I know you have a lot of physical illness too with which to contend. Hope things even out a bit for you.

Katkins Are you seeing a consultant psychiatrist next week? I know you had an MRI scan last week - presumably for something specific - when do you get the results? Have you thought of going to CAB to see if you can sort out your benefits as I know lack of money is stressing you. This govt is making it really difficult for people to claim benefits but you need to be sure that you are getting everything you are entitled to..........you sound like you need some RL support - is that likely to happen. Sorry for so many questions.

Lem you sound like you are in a bit of an emotional heap at the minute. I know that awful bloke scared the life out of you last week. Hope things pick up for you soon.

Hmm............trying to remember other posters - oh good to see you back collardove oh and snowy how could I forget you. I think I saw a post where you said you were struggling too - I think you're seeing your CPN next week - maybe tomorrow?

I've had a much better day today and my lovely CPN is back from holiday next week and is coming out on Tuesday. I'm still reducing one of my ADs - am down to the last 20mg now. Once that's done I want to come off mirtazapine because of the weight gain, and I was never convinced it was of much benefit for my depression.

Hi Pandora. One of the best books about girls / women with Aspergers is called Aspergirls by Rudy Simone. I'd you can get hold of that book and read through it, it may give you a better idea as to how you fit with that diagnosis. If you think you may be, then talk to your GP about it, but go in armed with as much information as you can as not all GPs are knowledgable about it. A friend of mine was diagnosed in her mid 40s and it did make a huge and positive difference to her life to know one way or the other.

I'm sorry to hear that you're going through such a hard time at the moment and I really hope things start to get better for you soon.

Katkins i hear what you are saying about the hitting. I do this a lot. It is out of sheer frustration and rage at myself. I don't think of it as sh which i have done in the past.that i feel is more considered and deliberate if that makes sense. Hurting myself by accident (usually doing housework) is guaranteed to push me over the edge. I think that is pretty normal though especially if already upset.

I had a lovely day with my dp and dd yesterday. We cycled 20 miles along the coast. Then a seagull stole dds fish and chips. Oops! I am back to anxiety central today though. Although dp is working from home this week so at least if thug comes back ( even though bank is sorted and promised they wont send anyone else) im worried he will come back and hurt me if he got into trouble at work. Tbh im not scared of that because i will fight back (im a big girl) if he gets physical but im worried my dd will be at home.

Will read through posts later.on my phone.

Love to all x

Hi everyone and thanks for the welcome back from those who remember me Lem, Nana and KatKins :)

Fluffy - your words about declaring MH issues to new employers was a comfort. I have been struggling with this for weeks! Should I declare it or not? My experience in my most recent workplace of management 'not getting' MH issues made me quite concerned for a future anywhere else!

NanaNina - you sound so much happier in your posts then when I was last on the thread many weeks ago. I am pleased that life seems to have dealt you a kind card to make you feel a little better.

Pulled - you always gave me a kind word on the thread previously. I am sorry to read that you are struggling at the moment. I hope today is a better day for you.

Lem - I did chuckle with your seagull story! How very annoying to of whisked away DD's fish n chips!! I can categorically say no seagull would ever get mine off me - I would guard them with an iron grip!!!
Keep your phone close to hand and call the police if that horrible beast returns to harass you.

I hope everyone has a good day. I am going to do my daily trawl of the internet for jobs now, followed by my daily look at a couple of dog rescue sites, as I am still looking for a forever four legged friend. I am convinced it is the key to a little happiness in my life. Hopefully will have some time to enjoy a bit of this lovely sunshine later :)

Hugs to all xx

Hi Pandora- could you ask the University about re-sits and/or mitigating circumstances? All Universities have these, so they should be able to help you if you spak to them.

Nana- I have very little rl support, because I function well. I think that's what's taking my 'recovery' (if you can call it that) such a long time.As you know, ss are quite pushed and so a Mum that is clearly looking after the child will be pushed to the bottom of the pile. From their perspective, I get her to school on time, she's well fed and well dressed, there are no issues, so it's not a problem.

Only, I AM really really struggling with it all- every morning is a fight with myself just to get out of the door, then looking in the mirror...I can't do that. Fee sick ad have constant headaches, feel scared anytime talks to me (I've said the wrong thing, I look stupid etc...I don't deserve to be here). It's so much physcial energy. I nearly fainted in the shop getting milk after I'd taken dd to school (an hour round trip on foot- no buses or bus fare). My legs just went from underneath me. I think I heard voices and saw things too, but it happens a lot, so I tend to ignore it. I had the compulsion to self-harm when I was just walking down the street. Keep asking myself when it's just going to be over and I can be 'normal' again. I'm cold, sore throat, achey. Sometimes, I wake up and think it's going to be a good day, then everything hits me. And I have lots of lovely housework waiting for my attention today. Dr tommorow, I hope she helps a bit.

Fuck -just had a panic attack in macdonalds because i thought i saw thug. This is the woman who has put myself between my dp and big burly men in the past and told them to bring it on (road rage incident) . Its just the "power" these people hold over us. The irony being that someone dp did some work for a year ago didn't pay him and if we sent someone round to him or went ourselves to demand the money we would be arrested. Yet he was the reason we are behind with the mortgage.

Katkins i hope your doc appointment goes well. Tell them youneed more support that yes you are "coping" on the surface but you are worried that without support you will break down suddenly and without warning. Put the onus on them. Just because you are complicated un terms of symptoms and appearing to cope does not mean they get to brush you aside. Make it clear. If you do break down it wont be through the want of asking for help.

Sorry not responding to all just sittibg ina builders yard waiting for dp to fetch his wood to make his next lot of windows.he is an amazingly talented carpenter. Watching him work is a great comfort to me.

Aw LEM

I'm still here and reading. I'm just a bit out of it just now. Keep thinking I'm seeing things out the corner of my eye but I think that might be spider season jumpiness.

Heads up, that I've name-changed for this. I haven't posted about this before in any of my comments on other people's posts. Also Xposted.
After DC's birth I developed an infection of sorts which has basically caused me to have been bed-bound at home for the last couple of months with partial paralysis-type symptoms. DC growing well and seems happy at this stage. Doctors are confident I'll regain full mobility within the year with no lasting damage at all, but it has been a very trying time for me. I've suffered from severe depression in the past, but I'm naturally an upbeat person and am honest with people who ask if it has been difficult not to be able to look after DC independently saying that it has been hard, but I like to push the positives (like DC could have been ill or I could have been worse or it has given us time to bond). But I find it increasingly difficult to remain happy. I leave the house seldom and only with DH's help and mostly to the hospital for follow-ups and few people visit during the day when I'm most lonely. I find it harder to cope with lack of movement in my legs than in the beginning a acouple of months ago when I was maybe still full of post-pregnancy hormones or excited by DC's arrival or development. I cry when DH leaves for work and when I can't calm DC down and because I can't even do the housework which DH and a cleaner once a week now has to do but which I really want to (we don't qualify for carers allowance). I know all new parents struggle to find time for each other or their old hobbies, but I cry because the illness has made everything worse and I worry that DH and I are bickering about DC or the household or him going out with his mates once a week. I know he needs time away from us too as it is full-on for him but I am jealous that I cannot leave DC with him for a few hours to go out with my mates because I am housebound or that I cant read a page in my book or knit a row without DC interrupting but DH has his commute to catch up on his own things. My parents and PIL do come visit regularly but even though I like seeing them it just reminds me how useless a person and parent I am. I feel guilty because I know there are people much worse off than me and with permanent disabilities or illnesses and people who have lost their DC during birth, so know I am lucky.
I think I just decided to post this wanting a bit of sympathy and maybe a few lines from people about how they've coped. Sorry it so long MNetters.

NanaNina I'm on 100mgs, have been for about 3 weeks. I've got massive bruises on my thighs since upping my dose so I guess I'll need to get my GP to look at them. I'm on the uni's waiting list for counselling. I have been speaking to someone else in the meantime. I'm doing a healthcare degree and I'm near the end so it's very stressful at the moment.

Keema thank you. I have heard of that book, I will take a look. I'm not sure I'd want a formal diagnosis but then it may help. I've heard of someone who is very experienced in assessing women but isn't fully qualified so it's not a proper diagnosis that will go on medical records. I might go for that but it's pretty expensive.

Katkins I am going to re-do my placement at some point. I've asked for an extension on some work as well, they advised against but I'm just not in the right head space at the moment.

I feel very sick and anxious today. I feel like I might go back to my partner, I'm losing my resolve. I do love him an awful lot, I've just got to make sure if I do go back I'm doing it for the right reasons and I won't regret it. I've got a lot of thinking to do.

howtogetlost that sounds really tough. Do you see your health visitor much? I wonder if they would be able to put you in contact with mums who have health problems/disabilities. It really sounds like you need a break, I think if your DH is going to go out once a week to see his mates then it's only fair that he takes DC out for a couple of hours once a week so you can have some time on your own to relax.

howtogetlost that does sound very hard. I agree with Pandora that your DH should take the DC out to give you a break.

I'm not sure I know how to phrase this bit without it sounding patronising but it absolutely isn't meant to be I know what you mean about thinking you shouldn't feel a certain way because it could have been worse, but you are absolutely entitled to your feelings- you are allowed to be upset x

I'm sorry, I'm struggling to keep what I'm reading in my head, so I'm just going to say thinking of you all, hugs.

how to get lost that sounds really draining- have you considered homestart volunteers to help you as you get more mobile?

I can't post much- I'm thinking of giving dd up for adoption. I think it's the only answer.

I'm very headachy today, CPN is suggesting I'm going to get the flu because I look exhausted and pale (thanks to her for the boost ). I think I'm going to bed early tonight, after all I can MN or read books on my phone,

Katkins how old is your daughter?

Katkins you know your dd needs you. You need to talk to the people who are supposed to be supporting you and tell them you are considering this. I wish i could help :(

Snowy im sorry to hear about your potential flu -sending bugger off flu vibes your way.

Good luck tomorrow katkins please be as honest as you can and get the support and help you deserve. Your daughter definitely wants you as her Mummy, you are managing so well please don't think of adoption.

Sorry you are struggling pulled

Sorry things are so tough pandora - you sound like you are doing the best you can, I hope you get your placement sorted.

Collar - I would definitely declare it, they can support you if you need it.

I hope it is not the flu snowy

Had a crazy busy day at work, bit stressed really, feel very tearful. No messages, just feel low but I am wondering how I will get through this really. I am at my parents for a few days so I will be looked after here :)

Oh and

howtogetlost that sounds so tough, can your DH help more? Have you been to your GP for some support?

Lem hope the rest of the day has been better for you

I feel like my replies are so trite sorry!

just been reading through last few days, and sorry to hear so many are having a tough time

howto (((hugs)))Welcome. I was very ill after my dds birth - but nothing compared to you, do seek out some more support as people have mentioned

collar hello - nice to hear from you. Glad you're doing ok. How's it going reducing the fluoxetine? I haven't been brave enough to (on it for 18 months now) and not sure now is the best time either

katkins hang in there please. You are a lovely person and a great mum, but you're not well so you're thinking's gone wonky, keep talking here and being honest with your cpn and gp so they know how tough things are. take care.

lem hope the anxiety's better this evening

Pandora welcome. you sound like you have a lot on your plate. Make sure your tutors etc know what's going on and that you're not well...

fluffy hi. like you say everyone's different re: their external appearance - there's a complete spectrum I think.

katkins not sure about declaring health issues - are you explicitly asked in the interview/application process (?discriminatory?)

nana hope the monster's gone to sleep now...

Hi victrix, keema and other's I've not name-checked.

I need to get to bed now. Dh has been a little better today. He still doesn't look right and isn't sleeping well, but no worsening thankfully. I gardened yesterday and walked today and that and the sun is helping I think, plus some more sensible bedtimes. It's not easy to maintain though!

take care everyone

Dd is almost 7, Pandora. I'm a lone parent .IThanks everyone I was scared earlier because I've been so spaced out, like not there earlier that I left my hot irons on when I went out, lost ny debit card and only realised when in a shop, flooded the kitchen by leaving the tap on and burnt some pasta. It's all very scary, because I just wasn't there at all. It's hard to explain, my mind was there, but it's not as though I was even thinking of anything else, I just didn't know what I was doing, just came round after a bit. Very dangerous if dd is eith me.

Hello to one and all......will try to remember everyone.

Katkins you have mentioned before the idea of "putting your DD up for adoption" but you probably know that private adoption is now unlawful thank goodness. IF you did relinquish the care of your DD to the LA Children's Services (and I can tell you they will resist like mad as your LA is particularly overwhelmed with caseloads and huge budget cuts) but IF you insisted, the first thing they would do (indeed have a duty to do) is to see if there is anyone in the extended family who could care for your DD either on a temporary or permanent basis. The thing is you have DD's father currently seeking contact with her and I think you said supervised contact had been agreed in court. He would be the obvious person to whom social workers would consider - in fact if he has Parental Responsibility (PR) he may just be able to take over her care. An alternative scenario is the family courts could make an Order (now called Child Arrangement Order) allowing DD to have her permanent home with her father.

I think CAFCASS (Children and Family Court Advice Service) are already involved and will be doing an assessment on him (though it won't be in depth as they too are totally overwhelmed with work and are cutting corners like mad) and they should be involving you and DD (in an age appropriate way) too. IF they recommend he should have unsupervised contact, then he is half way to being awarded what used to be called custody, IF you are relinquishing her care. I don't want to cause you any more worry but I thought it best to alert you to this, as I know this is something you wouldn't want.

Collardove yes I am "in a better place" emotionally than I was during the early summer. Hardly dare to tempt fate but I think the change in meds has proved a really good thing. August was definitely my best month this year and haven't had much trouble this month...........yet! Like most of us I suppose I am always worrying that things will turn bad again. This year has been horrendous - worst one since it all began back in 2009. I think you are job hunting (can only stay on the current page as if I try to scroll back I will lose this post) and were wondering about giving details of your MH issues. I'm not at all sure as if I remember rightly you are in retail and I wouldn't have thought it relevant but I suppose if they ask about health on an application form, makes it a bit tricky. Oh hope you find your doggie - there are SO many dogs needing rescue aren't there. I love dogs and always had Labradors but we won't have another at our age. A friend has just had a 22 month old Springer from the Rescue centre - he's called Merlin and is adorable if a little bouncy!!

Lem a 20 miles bike ride - OMG - that was some feat - I think I'd probably expire if I attempted a 2 mile one!

Howto so very sorry to read about your predicament. Am I right in thinking this is your first baby. As you say it's hard enough with a young baby without having a debilitating illness too. Katkins has made a good suggestion about "Homestart volunteers" - might be worth getting in touch with your LA to see if they have this scheme available. It sounds like you have pretty good support from friends, parents and PILs but you just want to be well enough to care for and enjoy your baby don't you. Do hope things pick up for you soon.

Oh god it's past midnight so need to sleep. Snowy sorry you are not feeling well physically - me too - been feeling sick and headachey for some of the day. This irritating whatever has been recurring over the past weeks (since I started withdrawing from imipramine) lasts about 3 or 4 days and clears up, but recurs within 2/3weeks - BUT nothing is as bad as the Headmonster on the rampage in my head and he's mercifully been asleep for a fair bit of the time over the past 6 weeks. Hope you feel better soon.

Fluffy hope you're not pushing yourself too hard at work - I see you are feeling low and a bit tearful, so hope the break with your parents will give you time to re-charge your batteries.

Hi to everyone else CIQ Victrix Pandora Keema Silvery and anyone else I've forgotten.

Katkins I don't really know anything about your situation but I'm sure your daughter would much prefer to stay with you. Please don't give up, it sounds like you're doing the best you can.

I think it's just a virus (hopefully a 48 hour one), not ill enough to be flu. It is frustrating as a handyman is fixing the front door (and yesterday), so I can't go to bed.

Your dd needs you, katkins

I hope you feel better soon, NN

Nice to hear from you, CIQ, LEM pandora and anyone I've forgotten.

Enjoy your break, fluffy

Thanks for the thoughts and support, guys. Especially since you all have such busy lives and difficult things to cope with. I think Ive said it before but everyone here is brilliant for living their life and looking after their DC in spite of their difficulties.
Yes, nana it is my first. I know one can't predict these things but obviously one has a certain range of complications in mind for yourself after birth. Things like bad tearing or a EC or hormones messing you about all of which might set limits on what happens in the first few weeks. But this was unexpected and lonely and maybe also why it is difficult. I have not met anyone who is a similar position and although I dont' like to say things like 'you have no idea what it is like', I'm beginning to think them when people say that it must be hard but I seem to be coping so well.
Bless him, my DH does take DC out often enough during weekends or after work to go shopping or for a walk so that I can have a calm bath for a change or answer emails or sleep. I just wish I could leave them behind and go for a walk! :) Or not feel guilty for asking him to do yet another thing for me! :( And thb it doesn't really make up for the hours by myself with a sometimes difficult baby although I feel v guilty just for writing this sentence.
And I really don't logically begrudge DH his pint as I think people tend to think it is all about how tough I have it and suddenly he has a lot of responsibilities he didnt hav before and he needs some non-DW/DC/Work time too. I just hate that I am growing resentful about it too. I can feel myself changing more and more into an unhappy and sometimes mean person which makes me feel even more awful.

Thanks victrix it wasn't patronising and it is something I would probably tell others as well. But you can never tell it to yourself and believe it, can you. The irony.
pandora I have asked about disability-type help but I fall in between cracks according to some people Ive spoken about. Not permanently disabled so not officially able to access schemes. . I will look at the homestart again tho.
Thanks again for the thoughts.

Popping by. Level 2 today but still been out. Dp driving me nuts and im not getting anything done

My poor poor friend has been in hospital with sceptescemia due to the chemo. It puts my pathetic whinges into context. She is so angry and now lashing out emotionally at her friends. People get scared. I don't know how to help her. Was going to visit today but was sniffly and she can't be exposed to colds etc.

Bastard cancer leave my friend alone