summer heat - in the village we'll meet....oh, those summer nights! support for MH issues, depression, anxiety, what ever the issue come visit the village [titled edited by MNHQ]

[SomethingVicardThisWayComes]

well a well a well a oh tell me more tell me more.....

new thread guys....feels funny doing the threads again! but nice....

so. for any newbies....the purpose of the "village" threads is to support anyone with MH issues....depression, anxiety, anything at all, for what ever reason.

there is an open door policy in the village! so pull up a pew and get stuck in....

& & all round I think

vicar Is your tattoo all scabby yet? It's easy to forget the scab and bepanthen stage when it's been a while since your last tat, then you get a new one and you're right back in.

Oh snowy they absolutely cannot "chuck you onto JSA" not even this heartless government.

CIQ - am glad to hear that you are not going to break your family up and sincerely hope DH isn't heading for another severe episode of depression. Is he on meds? I not he needs to be I reckon. If his mood is related to the state of your marriage, would it help if he knows you don't want to break up the family, though of course he may already know that. Just thinking that loss of some kind is usually the root cause of depression.

Lem what's happened........hope you're ok. I honestly think that you might benefit from voluntary work of some kind, just to give you some purpose in life and feel that you are making a contribution to society, and this could be a stepping stone to employment of some kind - baby steps ye know?

MP I wondered where you'd gone - hope you are feeling more together and can have a period of recuperation after your IP stay.

Katkins I saw your post about your ex's application for contact with your DD. I am a retired social worker and know a fair bit about private law cases like yours in the family courts. Let me know if you need advice on this.

Ah.......sorry if I've forgotten anyone - I'm sure I have!

mental sorry to hear you have been in hospital, I hope you are recovering

lem I am worried for you, I hope you are ok, do you have MH support from your GP or the CMHT?

Well, we have been piggies and had take away. I am thinking all sorts of strange things but I am just so ashamed, so ashamed I am like this. I keep feeling like God is sending me messages to kill myself. Like on the TV it was telling me what to do and I know it is definitely God. I don't want to kill myself though. DH is around this weekend and then I have work and then I am staying at my parents for a few days so I will be safe. I just wish it would all leave me alone. I can't tell DH, I am just so ashamed. I can't see how meds will help but they keep telling me I must take them. I am tired of this shit.

Oh FFS, pressed send too soon.

I am worried people (On here and IRL) will think I am faking it. I am coping, I am working, I am still washing/dressing/eating and I am managing not to act on the messages. But I just wish God would leave me alone and let me get on with my life, but then maybe I shouldn't be here and I am not supposed to have a life to get on with. It is all a bit confusing. My CPN said I am delusional again but I just don't know, part of me agrees but part of me thinks that they don't really understand. They keep saying I am stressed and not being emotionally kind to myself.

However on the PLUS side, I am keeping safe, I am managing to keep things going, I feel tearful a lot but I am keeping going and that is a HUGE positive.

bloody bank sent a doorstep collector to the door because we are one month ONE MONTH in arrears with our mortgage, this has been running for a while and we just pay a bit extra every month. It dates back to when someone didn't pay DP for some subcontracting work. They just say - no official arrangement needed as its not a significant sum of money. Then today a thug on my doors step trying to get in. Wouldnt tell me anything, was intimidating and i lost the plot, my dogs got out and he stood in front of me so i coujldn't get to them to fetch them in. Iwas scared they would run out under a car. He said he had a letter for dp but wouldnt give it to me and said id just have to wait for the bank to write to us. I was in total blind panic. DP had to come home to sort bank out - we paid the mortgage on time this month plus a chunk of arrears, as we have done every month. When we finally (after an hour on the phone tooing and froing from one idiot to another we finally got through to someone with the authority to sort it out). they have set us an official arrangement paying what we have been paying and set it up with a bit of grace so that payments can be made a few days late - this is our problem due to dps erratic earnings. They are going to make investigations into the behaviour of the pig that came to the door. He was such an arsehole - I have had bailifs on my door that have always been polite and helpful, never threatening but this person was just awful. I am not usually scared of people but i was shaking.

So this has really just added to my feelings of utter uselessness, if i had a job this wouldnt be happening, we have a high mortgage because we had to remortgage due to debt incurred due to my PND when DP had to be home to look after DD. I have destroyed my family.

I am functioning, mostly on diazepam and alcohol but ive had enough

fluffy im fine x

we are having dominos, its lush :) so thats something nice from today, that and my lovely lovely DDs and dogs

hey guys...
nana SO good to see you,.and thank you.
snowy - im sure you will get ESA....positive vibes....

fluffy - i hope you can stave off this episode....you are aware of whats happening...let the professionals help you.

lem - i so get you....my mortgage direct debit was returned this month....up shit creek without a paddle springs to mind...we are in the same boat and not quite sure what to do next. we have about £100 to last the next 3 weeks. its shit. ive now got to go to the BS and pay the mortgage with a cheque....
i asked for an extension on my over draft but got a resounding NO....

warm wishes to everyone else....x

Oh fluffy absolutely no one on here (nor in RL I'm sure) could possibly think you were faking your illness. I know you hear messages that god is telling you to kill yourself but it isn't god - it really really isn't fluffy - and your CPN is right this is a delusion caused by your mental illness. I absolutely understand the feelings of shame. I have depression (severe at times) and I feel ashamed of the way I feel. I know it's ridiculous because we wouldn't be feeling ashamed if we had a broken leg or pneumonia, but mental illness is a bloody deceitful illness. It makes you believe things that aren't true fluffy because your particular illness means that sometimes you are out of touch with reality. I know it must be confusing when you believe things that others are saying are delusions but look at it this way ....... why would your CPN say you were having delusions if you weren't. There wouldn't be any point would there.

Someone said on here that people say to her "it's the depression talking" and my depression "talks" to me too. It makes me feel I want to die, that I am worthless and useless and no good to anyone, and I know when I am feeling better, none of that is true. Your illness tells you that god is sending you messages, (is there such a person as god anyway?) and you shouldn't have a life to get on with ............and none of that is real, it is a delusion, caused by your illness.

It's brilliant that you are coping on a day by day basis and as you so rightly say, that is a HUGE positive. Hold on to that fluffy and try to believe that your CPN is fortunate enough not to suffer from psychosis and so she is in touch with reality, and be guided by her. I know you have a good relationship so she must know you well, and it won't be difficult for her to know when your thinking is getting out of touch with reality and she needs to be able to tell you that - and you need to try to believe her, though I know that's going to be tough sometimes.

Oh I'd better stop as I might be making you feel more confused. I so agree with your assertion I'm tired of this shit - I write that in big letters in the journal I keep in great big letters - mental illness IS shit without a doubt.

Lem what a horrendous experience. Was the thug an employee of the bank? This is the sort of thing you hear that happens with loan sharks not employees of banks/building societies.

ok guys...tat pics....light relief.

leg tat
wrist tat

also got foot tat....

planned back tat to come....if i can get the style i want - its like chinese silk painting.

.....and back to the serious topics in hand.....

fluffy - no one thinks for one minute you are faking it.....that you are still functioning is brilliant but dont let that mask the illness - tell the doctors what you are feeling....
x

Thanks for your kind words everyone. I took a sleeping tablet last night (I love zolpidem) and slept well, not sure what we are doing today but I feel quite calm and no messages so far so that is great.

lem I am sorry you are having such a tough time, use your meds as you need to

vicar I love your tattoos, the workmanship is amazing, especially on your leg! Are you pleased with them?

A random question, when you hear voices what is it like? I thought everyone was the same as me but I'm starting to wonder, I hear my own voice in my head chattering away constantly when I'm awake, I don't really concentrate well because it's always chattering about something or other. I put the subtitles on the tv because when I read it's in my voice and te voice shuts up. I think that's my "thinking voice and everyone has that?
But then there's the other voice he's been there for as long as I can remember I think, he used to just whisper but lately he's shouting and arguing with "thinking voice" he's pretty nasty too, he sounds like my brother (my abuser) and says many of the same things he did.
I thought it was just my subconscious whispering in my ear to remind me of everything that happened but how could everyone else hear their own voices and other peoples voices and still manage to have conversations? Sometimes it's hard to talk to someone because my brain is arguing with itself in the background and I can't fully focus on what the real person is saying so they think I'm not listening but if I say "I'm sorry I can't hear you it's too loud" they look at me funny and say "it isn't".

I'm going to bring it up with the counciller and see what they think.
I've never told anyone before because I thought everyone had the same thing but reading posts here I'm starting to think maybe they don't?

I can sympathise fluffy. my care co dropped round some zopiclone last night as I've stopped sleeping properly and the thoughts about my meds causing brain damage and being the cause of my illness, rather than actually being ill have started up again.

it's making it very hard for me to take the pills. folk don't get it though. why would I not want to take the meds that I know keep me well?.

I'm not explaining it well. thoughts that make no sense seem perfectly sensible. sitting on them and remembering that they're not true is easier said than done.

Vicard -that peacock feather is amazing.

You have summed it up perfectly keema it makes no sense to people on the 'outside' but it does make sense to me (and to you :))

Oh dear mental . Give yourself some recovery time, and be gentle to yourself.

Thinking of you, LEM hugs.

Oh fluffy - could you tell someone that you're getting symptoms even though you're taking the meds? Well done on keeping safe though.

I'm sorry for all those with financial worries, you don't need that on top of everything else.

((( keema )))

Wow, those tattoos are amazing, vicar - the leg one must have taken some time!

Thanks for the reassurance, I need to forget about it really, as it is taking up to a year for people to hear apparently.

Grrrrrh - woke with the headmonster in my head in hob nail boots. Haven't felt this bad for a long time. Been crying in bed most of the morning. My step grandson is due here today which is making me feel more anxious - I hate anyone to see me, but he's suffered depression himself - all the same I just want to hide away.

Hope everyone else is doing as well as can be..................sorry to hear about your financial difficulties Vicar - seems unfair when you work so hard.

Thanks everyone for the good wishes. I'm home now with my cat and my long suffering partner. A couple of weeks recovery and then hopefully back to work.

Sorry to hear so many of you are struggling, best wishes to all of you.

(Nana).

Snowy- it shouldn't take that long as a new claim, phone in 7 days and ask them if they have recieved it.

Spidey- My CpN says everyone's different in their experience and what works for them. I think it does depend, as well all deal with it differently; and our voices stem from different places, conditions, brain chemistry and coping strategies. Her advice might be something like you need to find out what works for you: the first step might be to talk to your counsellor and I think your GP. But don't get hung up on the idea of 'hearing voices' or 'psychosis' as we are all so unique in our experience of the world. I've avoided telling you how it happens for me for a reason, as I think you are vunerable and what will help you best is some support to manage it all in your own way. You have already so much progress.

Fluffy- do you think the stress is not helping the delusions? I find even a teeny bit of stress can send me spiralling. Can you take a break from something at least?

If only I could take my own advice...I've woken up feeing horrendous- aches all over, sore throat,electric shock like senations in my head, feeling spaced out and barely able to do anything. Just totally overwhelmed. I have different phases, I think. The first is when the depression is really severe, the second when I start to somatise it (extreme pain) and get on with life and the third is when I get spaced out, out of contact with reality and in so much pain I can barely move. Like Spidey, I often feel as though I want to reach out to others and ask how they experience things because I'm so confused.

I honesty don't know how much more I can take. Sorry to those I've missed.

One of the things that I really can't cope with just now is loud noises.

Utter utter twunt who lives over the back from me has been blasting awful awful awful happy hardcore type music from his car while he's been out cutting the grass for AGES and I am losing what little I had left of the plot. My house is a clear street over and I can feel our windows shaking from it.

He had his car torched 2 years ago. I'm daydreaming of a repeat.

Oh dear, he sounds very antisocial

I hope the music stops sooner rather than later.

I hope you have a better day, katkins, and the kitten cheers you up.

I'm telling your headmonster to disappear, NN!

I hope you're recovering, MP

I'm struggling today,I think the past week has taken it out of me more than I realised. I need to get through the weekend, CPN is coming on Monday, so I just need to get through til then.

I hope you are feeling better katkins victrix snowy and nana

I have told my CPN and DBT therapists that I am getting messages, they have been very supportive and increased my meds (15mg of aripriprazole). Today has been calmer for me thank God. I think it helps having DH around.

I'm glad you're getting support fluffy, that can be so hard to do.
I hope you continue to have calmer days.

Arrgghhh have really crashed. Am exhausted. Not sure if the diazepam made me feel bad today but spent the first half hour in bed thinking of ways to kill myself. I am not going to but i am definitely wading through treacle.

Fluffy am sorry you having bad day. So kind to me on my other tgread. Im just sooo tired