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summer heat - in the village we'll meet....oh, those summer nights! support for MH issues, depression, anxiety, what ever the issue come visit the village [titled edited by MNHQ]

917 replies

SomethingVicardThisWayComes · 27/07/2014 18:09

well a well a well a oh tell me more tell me more.....Smile

new thread guys....feels funny doing the threads again! but nice....

so. for any newbies....the purpose of the "village" threads is to support anyone with MH issues....depression, anxiety, anything at all, for what ever reason.

there is an open door policy in the village! so pull up a pew and get stuck in....

OP posts:
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Imsuchamess · 03/09/2014 19:27

Should probably add I had a very traumatic childhood because of a mentally ill mum and a drug addict dad who was in and out of prison. I was sexually abused from age 8-9 by my mums boyfriend. I entered into a very abusive relationship at age 13 which ended with vaginal and anal rape which resulted in me being pg at 15. My forced a abortion which went horribly wrong and I ignored it wanting to die when I was eventually discovered I was in hospital a month.

EdwiniasRevenge · 03/09/2014 19:38

Hi all.

I might need to come home to the village :(

I haven't showered in a week.
In the last week I have eaten a bit of buffet food, a macdonnalds (forced down because I was in public), half a ham sandwich and a couple of bits of fruit.

I spent over 20hrs in bed yesterday and won't be much less today.

SnowyMouse · 03/09/2014 19:43

Welcome Imsuchamess

Oh Ed Sad I'm sorry that you're struggling so much.

Katkins1 · 03/09/2014 20:10

I have to leave this thread for a while. I find graphic descriptions of abuse very triggering. I'm sorry. I'll come back when ready. Take care of yourselves, every one. I'll be thinking of you.

Pulledapart · 03/09/2014 20:19

Welcome imsuchamess Flowers

((( ed ))) so sorry to hear ur struggling so much. Be kind to urself & if sleep is what you need then don't feel bad for staying in bed.

katkins wish u the very best of luck for tomorrow. I'm sorry to hear Dr visit was not good. Was it ur regular G.P meaning did he/she know about ur recent struggles?

snowy glad you had help completing the form.

My day has been very weird. Spent most of it in bed and I'm very drowsy. Brain feels like jelly today total mushy. Paranoia is terrible as all day I've felt like someone is standing behind me (stupid as I know no one is there). On a plus point the voices have been ok.

I've also been offered a voluntary job for half day a week which I really want to do but at the same time feel very scared SadSadSad

SnowyMouse · 03/09/2014 20:39

Sorry to hear how things are, pulledapart Sad

Do you think you can manage the voluntary job? It might be a good occupation. I think it's natural to feel apprehensive.

Katkins1 · 03/09/2014 20:50

Pulled, I get that too.

It was an emergency appointment as I'd run out of meds and I got stressed because they'd reduced them. I got over anxious and it ended badly. I did phone the surgery and apologise though, left a message fir him to say sorry I was rude.

I am feeling very stressed and tearful, really anxious too.really. I probably over reacted to the thread. I just want to cry and cry. My ex has chosen to take this to court knowing I'm not well.the dates match up.

I'm so so stressed.

SomethingVicardThisWayComes · 03/09/2014 21:21

hi guys - ive just caught up on the last 3 pages so forgive me cos though i can remember bits i cant remember who said what....

ed - although i am always glad to see you - whats happened? ? i thought you were well and truly on the mend? i was so pleased for you - what has brought you back? and into bed?
you know i have always found myself retreating back to bed at the worst times....whats happened? i do hope its just a glitch lovely....you were sounding so upbeat when we last "spoke".

fluffy - im getting a peacock feather down my leg. quite bold, but i like the meaning of them - they mean different things in different cultures but they mean renewal, purity, integrity, and generally nice things that i strive toward being....im going on a retreat to learn to meditate later this month, figure it cant hurt to try.

To the lady beginning with P (apologies - my memory is truly crap) who is applying for jobs - did you manage to convey what it was you wanted to do with structure? if not im quite wordy and will give it some thought....what job is it? (if you want to say)

snowy - please dont take the ESA thing to heart - you know that to make sure you get it you have to lay it on with a trowel....dont overthink what the cpn has advised you put - when i filled in DS DLA application i felt a bit of a fraud at times because although everything was true - it was worse case scenario and seemed quite exaggerated at times....but the advisor i saw said you do have to lay it on a bit thick otherwise the assessors dont always "get" it....they have no medical knowledge.

kat - sorry you are having a rubbish time - maybe see a different gp next time?

insuchamess - hope you are ok. I also had a rubbish time as a child but i try very hard not to let that hold me back. I was talking to my oldest childhood friend today, who also came from a terrible start....i was saying we should allow ourselves some flaws, because our past shapes us, but on the whole we (him and i) have come through to live pretty normal lives and that no one would know what we came from.....him from severe neglect and me from abuse....he was saying he has some difficulty with emotional empathy, and i have issues around self esteem, which people do seize upon like vultures going in for the kill....im not guarded enough. Its something i am trying to be aware of - i will give much less of myself away in new situations from now on - its done me no end of harm at work because people see it as weakness....i see it as honesty, but its not always such a good idea. for a woman of my age i can be horribly naive at times. I think ive dealt with most of my issues around my past - just some feelings are very difficult to shake. As a rule ive not been ill before now, and i have been on sertraline for almost 2 years now - and do feel so much better on it. I havent really helped myself by throwing myself into challenging situations.....i chose probably the most difficult job i could have for myself....

anyway. thats enough of that. Im a wee bit cheesed off because ive only been paid a week ago and im skint. skint as a skint thing. had to cancel all my plans for today.
and its not often i actually have plans so not a happy bunny.

shout out to anyone else on the thread....silvery, and anyone else i will have inevitably forgotten about....forgive me its not deliberate if ive not namechecked but my memory is truly buggered.....i think i may be peri menopausal....

OP posts:
Pyrrhagena · 03/09/2014 21:41

Good luck tomorrow katkins

fluffydressinggown · 03/09/2014 22:09

vicar your tattoo sounds like a lovely idea :)

Good luck for tomorrow katkins

Hello Imsuchamess sorry you are having such a rough time of it

fluffydressinggown · 03/09/2014 22:16

I feel so guilty posting on her and the MH board. I have so much support in the community, I have my amazing CPN who sorts out my meds asap, a really nice psychiatrist, I do DBT so I have group and 1:1 every week, the crisis team know me really well and are (generally) nice to me. I don't feel like I deserve it and then there are people not getting any support and I have loads of it :(

SomethingVicardThisWayComes · 03/09/2014 22:24

fluffy - you really mustnt feel like that at all....its a good thing that you have the right support - you must not feel bad for those who are struggling because lord knows you struggled too....the care you are getting is exactly how it should be - that its not that way for everyone is absolutely nothing to do with you and you should not feel guilt - in fact its great that you are here and posting - you can advise people on the best practice and how things have helped you! we all know that NHS care is a bit of a post code lottery as are lots of things....you absolutely do deserve the good care you are getting and its good to hear.

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Imsuchamess · 03/09/2014 23:04

Thanks all for the welcome.

Vicar thanks for telling me your story.

LEMmingaround · 03/09/2014 23:04

Ed i was thinking about you today. I had a feeling that we might see you about now. Is this blip work related?

Lordy, there is sooo much going on here lately so sorry i can't keep up. Pyrrhh. I just picked up in somethings post that you are applying for work. We are in a similar field iirc . I hope you find something soon.

So, dd back to school tomorrow and i feel bereft :( partly because I'll miss her (ffs its not like boarding school! ) but also every September i feel like i need to give myself a shake up. Get a job. Be positive. Every year i fail :( i am going to start with decluttering the house (again i say this every year).

Love to all.sorry am rubbish at keeping up now i just post on my phone.

EdwiniasRevenge · 03/09/2014 23:56

Just a quickie.

Some of you will know that I had a new DP.
He was on leave for over 3 weeks (forces) and staying with me.
He had previously told me that he had a 'problem' with alcohol 'dependency'.
When on leave he drank over 10 bottles of wine in 4 days; and complained that wasn't enough. Double what is "usual" for him when he is here at weekends.
I told him I had a problem with the alcohol.
He pulled it back in for the rest of leave even tho there was a tension. We were talking about getting keys to my house cut; he's buying a flat near me as an investment.....

When he got back to camp he went silent on me. Apparently me saying I have a problem with his drinking has destroyed his will to live. He won't talk to me. He is "trying to get his head straight".
I can't cope with the silence. I feel as tho I'm waiting to be dumped.

Part of my "outburst" on leave was because it was triggering for my past. My father was an alcoholic and I was abused by him.

I need to sort my life out.
I have fnance problems (from the past 2yrs)
I have uni problems (I still haven't handed in my essay and it's probably too late)
I can't look after dcs. Dtds are feeding and sorting dd3.

It's just too overwhelming again.

SomethingVicardThisWayComes · 04/09/2014 00:13

ed i am so so sorry. Listen to your instincts though - really trust yourself - you know that he is an alcoholic....he was drinking more than 2 bottles a day - thats problem drinking (and i speak as one who went to an AA meeting a few weeks ago)

if he is punishing you for commenting then chances are he is a problem drinker. no one else would care enough about commentary on their drinking to give you the silent treatment - he has a problem - what attracted you to him in the first place? familiarity is soothing....

i can relate to the finance issues. ( my head is buried at present)
uni....ring them. talk to them.
you CAN look after the kids ed - you do it! you have done it all this time....they are back to school soon - so if you need a wallow in bed then fine - but get up for them coming home. ensure there is some shopping in and cook them a meal.
set a clock. wallow for a week. then gradually get up an hour earlier - or at least get dressed, and just lay on the bed if you need to. open the curtains.

we have both been here before.....let it be a glitch. allow yourself a wallow but give yourself an end date to that wallowing. mark it on the calender or on your phone.
and then get up earlier from that date.
its what ive done and its worked. i feel better for it. come on ed. you can do it. you have before, you can again.
get some shopping in - either go and do a few days or get a delivery.
dont give your bloke all the power - he has no power over you and your daily grind....dont let him have. Your kids need you - you do not need another problem to add to yours - and he sounds like he has a problem. Thats his responsibility - not yours. you pointed out something that made you feel uncomfortable - now its up to him.

ed - this bloke isnt the answer if he is just adding another problem to your life.

xxx

OP posts:
EdwiniasRevenge · 04/09/2014 00:23

Thanks something - feels strange calling you that.

And I'm sorry if it touched a raw nerve for you.

He told me he had a drink problem but it hadn't appeared that bad. 1-1.5 bottles a night. Which I felt I could cope with. But it almost doubled while on leave. And I struggled with that.

I'm struggling more with his silence. He is apparently in a deep depression - and I sympathise but I've had about 4 texts in a week. Thats less than I normally get in half a day. The fact he is ignoring me hurts more than the alcohol tbh.

I've sent him a hand written letter. Should arrive tomorrow at the latest. After that he's got 24hrs to respond before I give up.

SomethingVicardThisWayComes · 04/09/2014 00:43

hey - dont apologise - really not touched a nerve at all - im pretty realistic about my own drinking. its a problem. so ive stopped buying for some days of a week. while im working im trying to be t total. then on days off im trying to cut right back by buying only those tiny bottles....they contain a glass.

you dont have to call me something....vic is fine!

if he said he had a problem then he has a problem....really you shouldnt have to feel you can "cope" with his problem - its his - not yours.

if he is in deep depression because you asked him to go easy then he is too fragile for you - really you have enough on without walking on bloody egg shells too.

he is acting like a knob. if it acts like a knob, and it walks like a knob.....
then its a knob.

ed - you are worth more than that. you dont need more complications in your or your childrens lives.....you need normality. a bloke who is doing this so early into a relationship is not normal....

dont fall for it. dont take this on. its his problem, it shoudnt be yours.

you know i mean well....i hope xx

OP posts:
Katkins1 · 04/09/2014 09:38

Ed- Can you contact your Uni? They have people to help you in situations like this, finances too.

Sorry I dissapeared last night-I had a really horrendous upbringing too, and it involved a of of severe abuse. One of my voices is connected to that, and so it really triggers me. He needs no encouragment (!) He appeared last night after reading the thread.. I have to be very very careful, because I'm more unwell than I realise. If that makes sense.

Am getting ready to go to court with exp at 2.30, don't need to leave until later so at least have the morning to have a bath, get ready and sort things out at a lesiurely pace.

Victrix · 04/09/2014 09:57

Good luck today katkins

SnowyMouse · 04/09/2014 14:49

Good luck for today,katkins. Lots of different things can trigger/worsen voices, and your court date wont be helping.

I hate to say he sounds like a bad one, the alcohol doesn't sound good ((( Ed ))) Do talk to the disability office at your uni, they should be able to help.

((( LEM ))) Can you take small steps? I tried to study part time (50%) last year, but it all fell apart so I'm trying 25% this year and no essays in the hope I'll get somewhere. I find it hard at certain times of the year (e.g. new year) when I feel I should have got somewhere but haven't Hmm Sad

You shouldn't feel guilty, fluffy - you give lots of support to people too.

Thanks vicar Smile

How's everyone doing today? I got the pdf copies of my textbooks through the post today, more useful than the actual books.

Victrix · 04/09/2014 15:49

I loved the pdf copies of my banking textbooks Snowy - the ability to search is so useful Smile. Plus I could sneakily get some studying in at work.

I did about three hours of weeding/pruning in the garden last night in a mad burst of productivity. There's still loads to do but the garden waste bin is full up.

I feel steadier, that said today is another "blinds shut" day.

fluffydressinggown · 04/09/2014 18:25

Had a bit of a mixed day, was upset in DBT because the things the leaders were saying were telling me to kill myself which is difficult. I don't want to go to work tomorrow :(

LEMmingaround · 04/09/2014 18:32

Ed this guy isn't worthy of you. 2 bottles of wine a day?? That is an alcoholic and one trying to control you with the silent treatment

Katkins1 · 04/09/2014 20:31

Thanks for the thoughts today everyone. It was a really difficult day, but so far we have got to a pint where he can have supervised contact, and we are going to meditation. He's having a social services assessment too. That's what I think my dd deserves, but it took a lot of pushing from me to do it. He was trying to say I have mental health issues and attack me for them. The court ignored his requests and attacks on stuff involving my mental health in relationship. The advisor said I was very articulate and they were all nice. It was a bit much for me, though. My throat was really sore and my arms were aching. I nearly cried at one point, then almost threw up on the way home. I phoned my friend after and was sobbing. Then I got home and a lady bought round this little creature.....a new friend for dd and I ....

summer heat - in the village we'll meet....oh, those summer nights! support for MH issues, depression, anxiety, what ever the issue come visit the village [titled edited by MNHQ]
summer heat - in the village we'll meet....oh, those summer nights! support for MH issues, depression, anxiety, what ever the issue come visit the village [titled edited by MNHQ]