If you're going through hell, keep going

[Pare]

Hi, thought I might try another thread as I've missed having somewhere to offload. Thanks for all the support on the other one, I have saved it and removed certain posts so that I can look at it when I need something to focus on.

I went to the meeting with the manager of the Crisis Team tonight and it was really difficult even though he accepted that they had got things wrong. He said I have to keep attending or they will have me assessed under the Mental Health Act. I don't really trust them though and it is going to be really hard. He suggested meeting with the nurse who I saw on Monday, and with him, to try and talk it through and come to an understanding. I don't know if that will be too much.

Great news about cat.

Also great that you have one named person and a psychologist. Seriously that is great provision ( many people wait up to a year to see a psychologist) so am really happy you not had to wait and you got the help you need.

Hope gp is ok - sounds like you have a positive support plan and a gp will be happy with that. The only downside with seeing only 2 people is difficult to support you every day perhaps.

Important things first: Cat's blood test was good, he doesn't need to go back for 3 months.

GP was lovely. He has increased my sertraline to 150mg. Two tablets because they don't make 150mg. I have an awful lot of tablets, which might be a bad thing if things get bad.

Apparently the crisis team phoned him today to make sure I actually did have an appointment and told him I'd be 'truculent'. He said that surprised him and when I told him some of the things that had happened he said that he is going to raise it with them.

He listened, asked me what I wanted and actually seemed interested. He wants to see me weekly.

Hi pare so glad you had a sympathetic gp. I am on 150 mg sertraline it has really helped and you can go to 200mg if you need to agreed with gp of course. Pleased your cat is ok. I would say you have turned a corner. Might only be a small one but it's in the right direction.

I also saw my gp weekly then fortnightly then monthly etc

I also got some antibiotics for my arms. Just wish I could trust the crisis team like I trust my GP. He just manages to pretend to care much better than they do!

Some people do not have to pretend that they care! I can't tell you how glad I am you had a sympathetic ear. Truculent indeed, they just don't seem to have a clue how to deal with you, that's all.

And of course I am glad about your cat too, what a worry.

I really hope you can begin to rest a bit now and that it is still not as hot where you are as it is here.

Thanks. When the crisis team manager called today he kept saying 'you'll probably shout at me for this but I'm going to say it anyway' which I've just realised is odd because I haven't ever shouted at them. I don't shout. I can be sarcastic and I can argue anyone round in circles but I don't shout. I'm convinced they think I am some sort of shouty monster.

Plus side is I've lost a stone in 3 weeks but I can't say as I'd recommend the anxiety diet to anyone. I haven't done any school work today and feel guilty but I did have a walk in the cemetery which was nice.

Oh I'm so glad I'm not the only one who likes to walk around in a cemetery! The nicest one was in Majorca, full of statues and things.

No, an anxiety diet is not to be recommended, maybe you will be able to eat small amounts now.
Now you are on holiday you should have a bit of time off from school work, surely.

And it is weird that the manager expected you to shout at him, he should know better than to say things that he knows are going to aggravate you. Why on earth say things that you know are going to upset people, and then say them anyway. That's just rude!

It's a really old one near my house, I like to read the grave stones and pick my plot.

He was saying stuff that's okay really, just engage or be assessed. It's more the fact that he said you'll probably shout at me for this, when I really haven't shouted. I haven't been aggressive to them at all, it really isn't my style.

I'm just worn down with it all. I've lost my fight. I'm so tired.

No, you haven't lost your fight. Just because you are still alive and wanted to be dead. I sincerely hope that you will be saying at some time in the future that you are glad to be alive.

Right, I must get back to my knitting. It's going well, but I need to keep on at it or it won't be ready on Wednesday when I want to show it to somebody.

I'm going away on Friday for a few days.

I think he probably meant more 'disagree with me' than 'shout' at me, but I still think it is weird to say that.

I just know they are going to push me to speak about why I have PTSD and I can't face it. It's already robbed me of any chance of a life, why do I have to tell people about it?

I'm such a terrible person, I don't want to have to go into details about why.

Well, whatever it is, it may be better out than in. But you will need someone to speak to who is sensitive, who will give you time and who can help you heal from the 'terrible' person you think you are.

I am so terrified that I am going to have a flashback in front of them. I'm fed up of being terrified. I just want to go to sleep.

O course you are. That's why it will need someone really sensitive and experienced to help you heal from this terrifying event. And it will take so much time, and it will feel scary. All you can do for the moment is only engage with 'them' when you have to and to rest as much as you can in between.

I suppose. Just not sure I have the stamina for a long slog back to numbness. I hurt so much.

I know. And I hurt with you. And I will go on finding my own nuggets of joy and go on counting my blessings, because I still can. I do hope you will one day be able to as well.

The psychologist was supposed to ring me yesterday to arrange to continue the assessment, but she hasn't rung. Feeling anxious waiting for the phone to ring. Going to go for another walk in a bit I think, it helped a bit yesterday.

Hope walk helps. I am just about to go for one as it helps me too.

Just back. They rung about tomorrow's appointment whilst I was walking, but they didn't say anything about the psychologist. Tomorrow at 3 to meet new key worker. I assume this will be going through everything again. Not looking forward to that, but nevermind.

Bit annoyed that they have also called the landline first which I only gave them in case of emergencies. I really don't want them talking to my mum.

How's your relationship with your mum pare? I found trying to keep it all in got too much for me in the end. Once I had told my closet friends and family everything I got more support. Some people avoided me but because they don't know how to handle mental health, but meh, I can't help that. But those that did support me I found it was very reassuring to have people on board.

It's good but I don't want to burden anyone. I'm the person in my family who copes. I don't want anyone else to feel bad. I know what it is to worry about someone's MH and I don't want to put that burden onto people who are already ill.

When you are with the kids in school you are in teacher mode and can cope, are you in 'dutiful daughter' mode with your mum so you can cope there as well?
It's annoying that the crisis team used the landline, because they are not thinking about your needs, but just doing what is easiest for them. Did your mum take the call?

No, she was asleep so didn't answer, I rang 1471 when I got in and it was their number. They used it the other week too and I asked them not to. I will raise it again tomorrow.

I spend most of my time in my room when I'm not actively doing something for my mum. She sleeps a lot.

I feel strange on the increased dose of sertraline. Headache and 'spaced out' like I'm not quite here. I can see my hands typing this but they don't seem like mine.

I think that happens a bit at first with anti depressants. I have heard other people say that it gets easier with time. I hope it does for you.