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Original poster

If you're going through hell, keep going

460 replies

Pare · 16/07/2014 19:14

Hi, thought I might try another thread as I've missed having somewhere to offload. Thanks for all the support on the other one, I have saved it and removed certain posts so that I can look at it when I need something to focus on.

I went to the meeting with the manager of the Crisis Team tonight and it was really difficult even though he accepted that they had got things wrong. He said I have to keep attending or they will have me assessed under the Mental Health Act. I don't really trust them though and it is going to be really hard. He suggested meeting with the nurse who I saw on Monday, and with him, to try and talk it through and come to an understanding. I don't know if that will be too much.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pare · 22/07/2014 19:36

Yes, I didn't have any side effects on 100mg, but 150mg seems to have really knocked me for six.

How is your knitting getting on?

OP posts:
Dutchoma · 22/07/2014 19:57

I am very pleased with the knitting. I finished the blanket this morning, unfortunately the pictures are not very clear, I'm sending the best one. I've been to the yarn shop to buy some wool to take away on Friday, I'm doing a couple of cardigans for the daughters of one of my MN buddies.

If you're going through hell, keep going
Dutchoma · 22/07/2014 20:00

That was not even the picture I wanted to send, let's have another try.

If you're going through hell, keep going
Dutchoma · 22/07/2014 20:01

Yes, that one is a bit better. I must see if I can make some better pictures though, these are not very clear at all.

Original poster
Pare · 22/07/2014 20:01

It's lovely.

OP posts:
temporaryusername · 22/07/2014 21:11

Hi Pare, just wanted to say hello and I feel for you, it is horrible having to start afresh all the time explaining your situation to new people. Hopefully though it will be worth it if you can get settled with someone who you see regularly. It is so scary when you feel that you might have to talk about something which just seems too frightening to bring out into the open. Don't feel pressured by that to the extent that you don't want to go to appointments. You only have to do that if you feel ready and it is reasonable to build up some trust first and ask for other ways to cope. It might be transformative and worth it in the end, it might even not be as awful as you think, or at least not for long. I don't know so my advice is probably worth ignoring, but I feel for you and send you lots of virtual support. I know your thoughts keep telling you that you're a terrible person, but you are not. Terrible people don't worry about being terrible people, they just don't. Trauma and depression can make you feel that way when it couldn't be further from the truth.

Original poster
Pare · 22/07/2014 21:28

Thank you, temporaryusername.

If I didn't have somewhere to say what's in my head I think I wouldn't still be here. Everyone has been so kind listening to my strange thoughts.

OP posts:
Dutchoma · 22/07/2014 21:38

The only reason we are kind is because you seem to be so nice. I know you keep saying you are a terrible person, and for all we know you may be right. But it does not come across that way. It comes across as someone desperate for just a little bit of kindness, which seems to go a long way. I don't think your thoughts are weird or strange, you are having a hard time, struggling with issues, you are not getting that much help with it, so no wonder you are a bit desperate.

temporaryusername · 22/07/2014 21:51

Lots of thoughts and behaviours we call strange aren't really strange. They are within the range of normal human behaviour when we under pressure. It seems like you have been coping with a great deal for a long time with no help, and it isn't surprising that you feel at breaking point. You can come back from this though. You are a strong person, that comes through. This could all be the start of a better time for you. There may be a few false starts with getting the right people to help and the meds and so on, but hold on to that. If there is just one little bit of you that you can allow to believe that you are worth it, let that little bit be enough to hold on. You sound to me like someone who cares about others, has a strong conscience, and contributes a great deal. The world needs more people like you, we certainly can't afford to lose them! For what it is worth, even if you weren't like that I would still desperately want you to be positive and fight for yourself. Everyone has that right.

Original poster
Pare · 22/07/2014 22:07

I'm just so tired and frightened. I'm frightened of being me. I just need to sleep I think.

OP posts:
Dutchoma · 22/07/2014 22:14

Yes, I think it is bed time. It is for me. Good night, God bless

temporaryusername · 22/07/2014 22:27

You'll be ok. I don't say that flippantly, I know right now things are very difficult. Rest is probably a good idea. It is so easy to forget to look after yourself normally, and it is very draining being anxious. I am so bad at taking my own advice! But sometimes I try and remind myself that even when your problems are complex, the little things like food, water, rest etc still are needed and make a big difference. Not every bad feeling comes from somewhere complex, we still need the basics, even more so in fact if you are coping with fears.

Hope you have a good night's sleep. This heat has outstayed its welcome for me. Try to let yourself relax and think that whatever has to be put up with, or dealt with, can be dealt with tomorrow or at some point. Tonight is not the time, it is just a time to rest. At the same time, if you can't relax, don't beat yourself up for that either, just look after yourself as best you can.

susiedaisy · 22/07/2014 22:30

Pare try to get some sleep Thanks

Original poster
Pare · 22/07/2014 22:46

I try. I do get a couple of hours generally, but can't sleep past 4am. It is hot here but I have a fan on.

I'm going to make sure I walk every day as I definitely feel less anxious after that. Unfortunately my dog is 15 now so he can only manage a short walk but I've been going out for an hour by myself as well.

Thanks for talking to me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pare · 23/07/2014 13:04

Side-effects really ramping up today, I have the shakes just on my left hand side, very different to normal anxiety shakes. Making me feel worried.

OP posts:
Dutchoma · 23/07/2014 14:38

Phone your surgery. Only just got home.

Original poster
Pare · 23/07/2014 18:13

My mum has had a letter from the bowel cancer screening people saying her test was abnormal so she needs a colonoscopy.

OP posts:
susiedaisy · 23/07/2014 18:15

When I up my dosage of sertraline I go up in 25mg steps I found going up in 50's too much I tend to do it over a period of two weeks just to help reduce to horrible side effects.

Dutchoma · 23/07/2014 18:29

That is horrible for your mother. The colonoscopy itself is not so bad, but the preparation for it is horrid.
Did you ring your doctor to ask about your medication?

Original poster
Pare · 23/07/2014 18:49

Can't process anything.

OP posts:
Dutchoma · 23/07/2014 21:13

How are things now?

I have been to a church meeting, bit of a waste of time as there were not enough people to make decisions, but I was glad I went as otherwise it is such a disappointment to the people who are there.

Dutchoma · 24/07/2014 09:29

How are you this morning? Did you see the crisis team yesterday? Is that what you meant when you said you couldn't process anything?

temporaryusername · 24/07/2014 19:24

How are you doing Pare? Hope you've managed to get some advice re the meds.

YeGodsAndLittleFishes · 25/07/2014 08:42

Thinking of you, pare.

Dutchoma · 25/07/2014 09:27

Yes, I am thinking of you as well. I will be away for a few days. Will have a mini computer which I can use to read, but not very good at writing.