If you're going through hell, keep going

[Pare]

Hi, thought I might try another thread as I've missed having somewhere to offload. Thanks for all the support on the other one, I have saved it and removed certain posts so that I can look at it when I need something to focus on.

I went to the meeting with the manager of the Crisis Team tonight and it was really difficult even though he accepted that they had got things wrong. He said I have to keep attending or they will have me assessed under the Mental Health Act. I don't really trust them though and it is going to be really hard. He suggested meeting with the nurse who I saw on Monday, and with him, to try and talk it through and come to an understanding. I don't know if that will be too much.

About 23 hours or so.

I'm so tired I can't really think straight.

Didn't see your update last night, so hope you slept/dozed a bit.

Hope today is a better day, pare. I heard a sleep tip on the radio earlier in the week and thought of you, and decided to tell you at night rather than on a morning. Of course I couldn't remember what it was last night! If it comes back to me I will let you know, but it does sound like yours is a more complex problem than most 'tips' would help with.

I've decided to give up. I'm going to stop taking the sertraline and let what happens happen.

Is there anybody at all you would be willing to 'talk' to, either on here or with any of the organisations (Samaritans, Rape Crisis etc) all of which have email possibilities?
In a way I think it is a shame to give up on the Sertraline as, believe it or not, you have sounded just a little bit more positive on here.
Could you bring yourself to open up a bit more and let more of the poison of your life out? Either with or without the Sertraline?

There isn't any point trying to get help. No-one helps. The samaritans just ask questions that I don't have the answers to and there is no rape crisis near me. I tried a couple of other links but they haven't responded.

I just want to let nature take its course.

It's just that when you gave up the Sertraline before you felt worse. What do you expect 'nature' to do when it takes its course?

I mean I'll either get better or not.

I'm going to let this thread sink away now, thank you to everyone for your support.

Remember we're here whenever.

I do think that you should tell the GP you're thinking of stopping the Sertraline. That is a change in circumstances that more than warrants a return visit. I think you should ask yourself - am I stopping this drug because I think it is making me worse, affecting appetite for example? If so, perhaps another drug or a reduction in dose is worth a try, or trying to find out if anything else could be the cause of appetite problems. Or, am I stopping it because it is a way to express my anger at not getting help yet, and it is a long established process for you to turn anger at circumstances and other people against yourself? I understand that, I really do. I just don't think it is a good idea. You have to put yourself first, even when it seems like no-one else is.

It is up to you of course, but please think about the motivation. Any answer that says you're not worth it etc is not correct, I can promise you that.

It does nothing for me except give me a raging thirst, keep me awake and stop me eating. I'm not supposed to go back for 2 months so I will just not put my repeat prescription in.

I think the two month thing would just have been a suggestion based on no change in drugs etc, but it is up to you. I'm on it and it did keep me awake at first but seems to have improved a bit, you could try changing the time of day you take it, a hour earlier each day etc, wouldn't alter it much more per day at 200mg. I take mine quite a while before bed now.

I think the doctor is quite mean not letting you have anything to help with sleep, so what if you become dependent on them for a while, that would be the least of your worries. Maybe you could try going to 150mg and so on and see if at any point the side effects lessen. Sorry you've not found it suits you. I do think sleep and food are the building blocks of stability, I'm terrible at them as you can probably see from the times of my posts.

temporaryusername makes very good points and she knows what she is talking about.
As she says, we are still here, ready to listen, so why give up the thread with the Sertraline?

I hope you don't let the thread sink away Pare. I like talking to you and hope you've felt supported here to. I don't know what to say about stopping your meds. I think you have to do what you feel is right but maybe reduce over time rather than cold turkey for your own sake. The lack of sleep is horrendous. You must be so so tired. I also think your gp is mean not to give you something to help you sleep. They were invented for a reason and this seems to be it. It's probably hard to come on here when all you feel like doing is giving up and we all nag you not to give up but that is because we truly care so please keep popping in to see us.

Why not consider a different drug then? mirtazapine is a second line antidepressant and is known to have sedating properties?

As with any illness it can take time time to get the right medication as we are all different? and ask for say 3 sleeping tablets just to give you a break.

Do you always see the same doctor at your surgery? If you are able to see a different GP, it may be easier to tell them that Sertraline isn't working for you, and also that you are desperate to get some sleep.

I've had mirtazapine before, it does nothing for me either. I've been on fluoxetine, citalopram, mirtazapine, lofepramine and sertraline.

There isn't another doctor at the surgery.

The doctor won't give me any sleeping tablets, I have asked.

I'm just going round in circles on here and in RL.

Thanks for the concern, but there is no point posting anymore really.

It's a one doctor surgery? I am sure that can be good, but it can be bad too - no oversight from other colleagues, and no-one else for you to see. I might consider trying to change, although I know you've found him helpful in the past he isn't doing much now.

Whisper this!! Because I've said elsewhere it shouldn't be done , but you can order zopiclone online. Need to be careful where from but someone might know. Please don't get them if you think you're not well enough to use them safely though. Sleeping pills don't always make all the difference anyway.

I am not sure if you're just going round in circles. I agree that something more needs to happen with your recovery and I think it will, however frustrating and difficult the wait. But at the same time you haven't just stayed the same, and you've shared things with us.

I just had a panic attack for some reason, I've had to treat it with diazepam, a magnum, a twirl and mindless youtube. I think it was laundry induced.

Temporary is right again: you have come quite some way in sharing some of your life with us. I can understand that you are tired beyond reason, but giving up on medication and companionship (such as it is) is unlikely to make you feel better.
What happened to you is like a poison in your life, it needs to come out one way or the other.
Will you not try, for your own sake, to let a little bit more come out?

What are you going to do in the weekend? Do you need to walk the dof, buy food for your mother, get some meals ready? I hope you can find the courage to carry on.
My bed time has come, but I will look out for you tomorrow morning.

I'm probably not best placed to give advice as I'm going through a very tough time and have been in therapy for a number of years.

However, something my therapist said just occurred to me when reading your last comments Pare. She often asks me when I am beating myself up over something or other, what advice I would give to a friend/relative/colleague going through the same issues. Guaranteed the advice I would give is always completely different to the advice I give myself.
Pare, if one of your students came to you and told you what you'd told us and that they were thinking of going 'cold turkey' on their meds, what advice would you give?
Many, many people care about YOU and the way YOU feel. We want to help or at least be here for you if you ever need to talk.

I keep looking out for you Pare.

I almost told the GP tonight, almost said the words out loud. But I didn't. I had a panic attack instead. He suggested I write it down. Terrified at the thought. Can't seem to calm down.

Still not heard from the IAPT team about my CBT. Not worth it obviously.

Might be worth asking IAPT when cbt likely to start? I imagine with holidays coming up nothing will happen til Jan, with staff on annual leave etc.

It is frustrating waiting for NHS talking help. Great it is free at point at use but waits can be long due to amount of people accessing a service, which no doubt faces cuts along with rest of health sector.

I had to wait 9 months for assessment and 9 months for a slot to be free. I gave up and went private after had assessment and decided 9 months wait was enough. Private has disadvantages but often can go out of work time and have more sessions. And if not like the person can say no and find another. Lots of qualified counsellors around now. I did not go private for psychology but an experienced and well trained counsellor due to cost and what I thought would help. It did but I found it hard to stop ( had to for several reasons).

Hope you can get some answers soon.

Good to hear from you Pare. It sounds like you are getting there with the GP, the fact that you almost told him might mean you're getting closer to doing so.

The wait for CBT, even for assessment for CBT, is immensely long for everyone at the moment. It has nothing to do with what you are worth or what they think, it is just the state of resources and demand at the moment. You must challenge yourself if you start thinking that having to wait is a reflection on you or your case, it really isn't.

Hope you're feeling a little calmer.

Waiting list was supposed to be 13 weeks, it's been 16. GP chased it up a while back but still not heard anything. He said that if I finally tell anyone I'll need lots of support but I don't know where that is supposed to come from.

Got a letter from the GP saying I'm being switched from the CBT waiting list to the CAT waiting list, so I guess start waiting all over again.

Really struggling. Bought and wrapped all the Christmas presents, feel like maybe they should be my goodbye presents too.