If you're going through hell, keep going

[Pare]

Hi, thought I might try another thread as I've missed having somewhere to offload. Thanks for all the support on the other one, I have saved it and removed certain posts so that I can look at it when I need something to focus on.

I went to the meeting with the manager of the Crisis Team tonight and it was really difficult even though he accepted that they had got things wrong. He said I have to keep attending or they will have me assessed under the Mental Health Act. I don't really trust them though and it is going to be really hard. He suggested meeting with the nurse who I saw on Monday, and with him, to try and talk it through and come to an understanding. I don't know if that will be too much.

How awful for you Pare. No wonder you are suffering. Please don't leave the thread. I think you are incredibly brave to have told us that. Please let us support you some more

Nobody needs to be on this thread if they don't want to.

There is something wrong with me that made it happen. I bring out the worst in people. I'm damaged. I don't know what to do with myself now I've told you. I don't think I can post anymore.

You don't bring out the worst in people. Think of your lovely pupils who can see you for who you really are. You bring out the best in them, and they are so grateful for you.

I really think you should contact a counsellor. You need to be able to talk about this in a safe space where you can feel secure about discussing anything....or nothing, if that's how you're feeling at the time.

pare you have told us something which has cost you a lot in emotional energy, facing fear and risk taking. As such, it is most precious to us, like a gift, like a huge precious ruby. It is an amazing step to take. You are most special and precious, I wish you could see this. I am imagining us all in a lovely huge tent in the desert, adorned with magnificent carpets and each of us wrapped with jewel coloured velvet blankets and huge comfy sofas and cushions. There are pretty laps and trays of food and we are all just accepting of each other. No one is better or worse, we are just enjoying being together. We are looking at this beautiful ruby and we want to give something back.

You are not alone in thinking that you made your rape happen, it is a common reaction. The brain protects itself with this to prevent strong feelings of aggression, but the trouble is the feelings are turned inwards. So the rape victim then punishes themselves. This is very common, you are not alone. You didn't cause the rape though, any more than anyone else caused themselves to be assaulted.

There is nothing wrong with you . There is nothing wrong with any rape victim that causes rape to occur. There is no excuse for the rapist, no room for victim blaming. I agree with YeGods in that accepting the truth about this will mean turning anger away from yourself and feeling anger at your attacker instead. I'm sure that will be intense, but will get you closer to healing somewhat. I do think an expert counsellor could help with this, perhaps some of the numbers below could advise on how to find one, and I'm sure there are many more organisations who can help.

www.rasasc.org.uk/?page_id=50

www.victimsupport.org.uk/help-victims/ive-been-affected/rape-or-sexual-assault-info-women

www.aftersilence.org/

www.thesurvivorstrust.org/

www.rasane.org.uk/

You don't need to leave the thread because you have shared this. It seems like you've been thinking that any 'you' that involved being open about this is unacceptable, whereas it is quite the opposite. You are just as valuable and deserving, you are just wounded and no-one will feel anything other than wanting to help. This could happen to any of us. You are not flawed, you are valued and accepted including all the truths about what has happened to you. They don't reflect badly on you at all, the victim is not to blame.

You are a survivor Pare, you have been so brave and this could be the beginning of the road to feeling so much better.

It wasn't your fault.

I don't know what else to say, but will be here with love and support in whatever way you can accept at the moment.

I'm sorry. When I said I'd told no-one that is the truth but I did sort of tell a little bit to someone I was getting close to a long-time ago. He said I was damaged goods and I've never been able to shake that. I

I haven't had a relationship since it happened, I nearly did with the person I mentioned above but obviously he wasn't interested after I told him a bit of it.

I've kept this in for a lot of years and I need to lock it down again. I'm sorry.

What an incredibly cruel thing to say: 'damaged goods' indeed. I'm glad that relationship did not continue, you would have been more hurt by that person than you were already.

So am I right in thinking that you never had any counselling for the hurt that happened? Because if you haven't that would mean that there is a festering wound in your life that has never been lanced. With you writing to us about it the top of that boil has come off just a little and a little of the hurt has come out of it. If you now put the sordid bandage back on it, it will go on festering for all the years to come.
If, on the other hand, you were brave enough to carry on letting the hurt out bit by bit, eventually it might come clean and then it can heal over.
It is a safe place to come, a number of people have been where you are now (I haven't) and will understand a lot of what you are saying.
As someone else has said up thread: we feel that you are very much worth of happiness and I, for one, would consider it a privilege to accompany you on a journey that will undoubtedly be very painful for you.

I should not have told anyone, I need to go back to pretending it didn't happen. I don't have the strength to face it and I don't know how to get the strength.

I'm so tired and none of the professionals are interested in helping me. I'm not worthy of help.

You want to find the R Crisis Centre, they are the experts in helping you. I get the impression that the whole thing is too awful for you to face and so you have not been able to go to the police or the R crisis centre. But you are looking in the wrong direction: you wouldn't go to the dentist if you had corns on your feet. You need to find the right people to help you and I full well realise that this is a very big and scary step to take. Better to try and get the cat bag in the bag even if it scratches you, but I am so very afraid that it will not be possible. You need to face your fears head on, realise that you have every right to be happy and free from the burden of thinking that you are not worth it.
Can you bear to repeat to yourself: it was not my fault? Because that is the truth. R is NEVER the victim's fault. I am saying R for a purpose because I sense that even the word is abhorrent to you

You are worthy of help, very much so. Strength doesn't come all at once, it comes with changing course to a more positive route and sticking to that course. It might just be a slight adjustment. That is all it takes, and given dogged determination and time endurange produces strength. And you are strong, pare. It is ok to go back to covering up with a fresh bandage (to continue Dutchoma's analogy) with an acceptance of what you have said and that it enough for now. If you need to pretend again, it is ok actually as it can be too much to cope with and process all at once, without all the skills and experiences you need to do so. In a week or so, maybe you could tell a counsellor, or someone on a relevant specialist helpline? Then leave it another week. Let us help you if we can.

(...dogged determination and time, endurance produces strength.)

Sorry about all the typos.

You didn't cause someone to hurt you, pare.

I agree with the others.

Also what that person said to you was abhorrent and no decent man worth being involved with would say or even think that. You were unlucky there but the vast majority of people, and all the people worth knowing, would never think the things he did.

It is good you didn't get involved with him, but I'm very sorry his words took such a toll. He was talking crap.

I won't use the word on this thread again. Sorry pare, I didn't realise you might not be ready to read it. (blush)

Please don't worry about the word, we can call a spade a spade.

I don't understand how to get any help, it is better to just put it away again.

I'm not as good at saying things as the others on here although I agree with all they have said. I don't believe it's better locked away though. You deserve a chance at a happy life. If you decide that todays not the day to deal with it, or even any day soon then thats your choice but I for one am here to listen to whatever you want to share whether that be struggles or just daily chit chat. One things for sure, I think you are incredibly brave.

I honestly don't know what to do. I never envisaged letting this escape.

I'm so grateful for everyone's kindness.

Kindness is what you deserve, kindness is what you should have got. There are specialist centres that deal with people who have been raped and I think you need them more than you need medical treatment. It may take you a while to get used to that idea, but I think you should at least think about it. You have suffered long enough.

Yes, kindness is what you should have got from those men. If kindness is normal, even among strangers like us who have no need to offer anything, then how much more should those men have been kind (and loving, and respectful) to you. No one is perfect, we all have off days, but to be violent or say spiteful belittling things to someone is wrong. They alone are at fault for their actions, and not you.

If you are OK with the word, there is a website called Project which is an online community offering peer support.

rape crisis offers a wealth of support. their freephone number is 0808 808 4994. You can also find your nearest specialist support centre, which you could phone and ask to meet a counsellor there.

Pare, hope you are feeling ok. I agree with everyone, as usual! If you want to talk about this we're here, if you're not ready to say more yet we're here too, so keep in touch about anything you like.

I think if you reach out to one of the advice numbers it is ok to tell them you don't know where to go from here or how to get help, it is ok to tell them you're worried because you've felt let down by other avenues of help. I'm sure they know about the waits/NHS resources. Also, it doesn't have to be a recent incident - any time in your life could have been the start of the problem and they will understand.

I'll be offline after about lunchtime tomorrow till Monday, but I'll be thinking of you and hope you feel ok.

The man who did it was a stranger, it was in an alleyway in the town centre at night-time.

No one deserves that, no one should be violent and harm another. You could have done nothing to deserve it.

(The website I linked to above is called Project Pandora, and was started by Tori Amos, the singer.)