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Original poster

If you're going through hell, keep going

460 replies

Pare · 16/07/2014 19:14

Hi, thought I might try another thread as I've missed having somewhere to offload. Thanks for all the support on the other one, I have saved it and removed certain posts so that I can look at it when I need something to focus on.

I went to the meeting with the manager of the Crisis Team tonight and it was really difficult even though he accepted that they had got things wrong. He said I have to keep attending or they will have me assessed under the Mental Health Act. I don't really trust them though and it is going to be really hard. He suggested meeting with the nurse who I saw on Monday, and with him, to try and talk it through and come to an understanding. I don't know if that will be too much.

OP posts:
Dutchoma · 19/09/2014 08:33

So how could it possibly have been your fault, Pare?

bluebell345 · 19/09/2014 08:41

hello Pare.
as far as I see you have been affected by these 2 men very badly. But it never is your fault.
the first one, I hope he is found and suffers because of what he has done to you.
the second one; with his comment he is no better than the first one.
you mustn't ruin your life because of these 2. they are bad, you have no fault on this.
there is lots of support for this situation. I am sure you will get the right one and there is very good support here till you get the right help.
please don't darken your days because of that, you deserve lots better and you will get there. Flowers

YesitismePare · 19/09/2014 11:15

It was a very long time ago. I blocked it out until I was feeling stressed a couple of years ago and went near to the place where it happened. That's when the flashbacks started. Now it is all bound up and I don't know what is depression and what is this.

It was my fault because I sort of make people be horrible. I'm a malign presence.

Dutchoma · 19/09/2014 11:46

Pare how can you even rationally believe that? Somebody did something absolutely horrible to you. That was not your choice, nor your fault. You blocked it out, it festered. When you came near the place again you started having flashbacks, not your fault. It dragged you down into depression, not your fault.

Yes, I can believe that there are people who are evil through and through. But, as has been said before, they don't think of themselves as 'evil'. The people who do, like you, are really far more sinned against than sinning. I know I don't really 'know' you, but you have shown yourself in what you write as a caring, loving person. Circumstances have changed you, you have been unbearably hurt, you can't see a way out, that's understandable. But stay with it, something is beginning to free itself up, let it come out and it may bring the relief that you so urgently need.

Are you able to make contact with any of the organisations that have been suggested earlier on in the thread?

MrsMcRuff · 19/09/2014 15:44

'A malign presence' is quite a powerful phrase to use about yourself, Pare. How long have you felt this way? Do you think this feeling predated the awful thing that happened to you?

It sound like something a very manipulative, controlling person would say, or make you feel, to diminish any positive feelings you have about yourself, for their own ends, not because there is any truth in it.

YesitismePare · 19/09/2014 19:03

I don't really remember much from before it happened, I feel like that was a different person and she doesn't exist anymore. There is just a terrible person left who spoils everything and upsets everyone.

I'm tired and I'm confused. I don't really know what to do. It will be the anniversary of it happening next week. It was my birthday.

I looked at the links but there aren't any places near to me.

Dutchoma · 19/09/2014 19:39

Even if there are no places nearby there must be something even if it is at a distance. Or on the 'phone, like the Samaritans. You need to offload.
Maybe you are right that the rape made you into someone who feels that she is spoiling everything. That still would not be your fault but the fault of the man who did it to you, a stranger in a dark alley. And on your birthday.
And you have turned all the anger in upon yourself.
If you can keep talking one here, there is nobody here who would blame you for what happened, we all want to see you turning your anger away from yourself and see what we can see: a hurting person that deserves so much better.
Keep talking.

YesitismePare · 19/09/2014 22:17

I'm so desperate to sleep. I don't know what I can do to just get some rest. I've reached breaking point with the sleep, I don't think I can keep functioning without a decent rest.

Dutchoma · 19/09/2014 22:25

Don't know what to suggest as I am someone who can go to sleep standing up, like a horse. Have you looked on any advice boards? At least it is the weekend now.

MrsMcRuff · 19/09/2014 23:25

How do you try and get yourself to sleep? I imagine that you are lying awake, with your mind racing round in circles.

Could you try telling yourself that you are going to put everything that's tormenting you into a metaphorical box, just for now. Not in order to hide it away, or keep it buried, but for convenience, so that you can take it out and contemplate it again when you are in a safer place, maybe with help. You don't need to hold on to it all now,when you need rest.

Take some deep breaths. Perhaps count sheep (that old chestnut!). It is actually very calming to imagine a field full of sheep grazing. Put the radio on low - some soothing music or talking in the background can be comforting.

I hope you manage to get some sleep, Pare.

YesitismePare · 20/09/2014 12:00

I've done all of the sleep hygiene stuff but none of it works. I am tired but really have difficulty dropping into sleep. I do doze for bits of time but never past 4am.

Dutchoma · 20/09/2014 12:06

Has there been any difference at all over the past few days? For better or worse?

YesitismePare · 20/09/2014 12:10

No difference, I am just really feeling the effects now.

Dutchoma · 20/09/2014 12:16

Sleeping has been difficult for a long time, hasn't it?

YesitismePare · 20/09/2014 12:20

It's the first sign that I'm not well. I'm just exhausted.

YeGodsAndLittleFishes · 20/09/2014 12:25

It is probably a sign that you have taken on a bit much and to not expect too much of yourself. Let yourself have a thorough rest, and try to keep your mind off the past and on things in the present.

There are a lot of nasty bugs going around. Hope you're not coming down with one. The one I've got is horrible and I'm a right grumpy cow. :(

YesitismePare · 20/09/2014 12:29

Sorry that you don't feel well, YeGods.

I haven't had a proper sleep since June and I think I'm going more and more insane because of it.

YeGodsAndLittleFishes · 20/09/2014 12:41

I know I can't sleep when I feel guilty. I think it must be a common experience, and where the phrase 'I don't know how you sleep at night' comes from. My experience is though, that it is whwn I am carrying someone else's guilt that I don't sleep well, and it doesn't affect their sleep at all!

Dutchoma · 20/09/2014 14:38

I think you are right, thee
re, YeGods, carrying someone else's guilt. I don't know how the man who did it sleeps at night, but I bet he does just fine.

YesitismePare · 20/09/2014 19:21

I can't concentrate. I've got tonnes of work to do and I can't focus.

Dutchoma · 20/09/2014 21:31

It all remains so difficult and I have no idea what to say Pare. I have been busy with children and grandchildren today, seen them all, which was lovely.
I feel so sorry that you have none of these joys and so many sorrows and no-one to help.

alittlebitmeh · 20/09/2014 21:48

Pare when I cannot sleep (which is fairly often) I don't even try. I put on the radio (LBC, nice low voices) and rest. I use the radio as it stops my mind whirring. I just focus on what they're saying and accept that my body is resting. I do usually drop off after a while. Insomnia is the absolute pits. Have you tried taking something herbal to help? Are you still on your meds? Could the time you take them be upsetting your sleep?

YesitismePare · 21/09/2014 17:51

It was my sister's birthday yesterday so I went to her house and we had cake. I spent time with some of my nieces and my nephew.

I'm still on 200mg sertraline. I take it in the morning so it shouldn't interfere with my sleep too much. I've tried over the counter sleeping tablets and even piriton, but it doesn't make any different. My GP doesn't want to give me any sleeping tablets in case I become dependent on them to sleep.

alittlebitmeh · 21/09/2014 18:53

Your Saturday sounds lovely. Happy birthday to your sis.

I do feel for you with the lack of sleep on top of all you're dealing with and working as well. You must be absolutley exhausted Thanks

YesitismePare · 21/09/2014 19:11

I am exhausted. I really don't want to go to work tomorrow, but I know it will only be worse if I don't.

It is my birthday on Wednesday.

I've got some of the work I had to do done today.