Given up

[muddleup]

I'm on holiday with my youngest two, 14 and 16.
Behaviour from them is bad but don't expect any different anymore.
My mood was pretty bad before I came here a week and abit ago, but the last couple of days it's fallen off the planet.
I want to come home now but still have 2 days left before the flight.
My phones playing up so I can't text and now I find out my friends dad only has hours left and I can't do anything stuck in Lanzarote.

I have a week left of living as my kids go to their dads in a weeks time and I'm counting down the hours.
I can't tell anyone how I feel or my plans in real life because they will make it not happen and I really need it to because it hurts too much to live.
If I don't come back for a bit it's because the wifi is a hit or a miss

Life is hard for sure but dying isn't easy either.

You need to let someone know as you're not in the best place to make such a big choice.

Suicide is a permanent solution to temporary problems. I know your problems are looking insurmountable right now but there is always a way out. You would not be posting here if you didn't want help and encouragement. Please talk to someone irl.

I don't have anyone I can let know, the poor holiday rep had me in tears in her office yesterday but there isn't anything she can do.
If I tell my Cpn, psychiatrist or psychologist they will just involve the crisis team who aren't very nice, and in reality it would just put off the enevitable anyway.

I can't cope with these feelings anymore or with breathing.

I guess I'm posting because I promised my Gp I wouldn't do anything to myself while I was abroad as I didn't want to cause the kids any problems but that promise runs out when I step off the plane on Friday morning

You will cause problems for your kids for the rest of their lives if you commit suicide. They will feel abandoned and responsible. Please, please don't do this to yourself. You are ill. You need help and there are people whose job it is to help you. In what way are the crisis team not very nice?

Could your dc move in with their dad for the foreseeable future?

That will buy you time. You are obviously already in the system and you have professionals you can speak to if you wish. Talk to them.

They don't listen to me, or read my notes, it says no male workers, they send 2 or 1 on his own,
I no on the scale of it it's not much but it's a big thing to me.
The last time I saw them they wanted my mum and dads address, I'm 41, I haven't seen them for 14 years and why would the want the address of people that probably caused all this?

Its probably just for their records. If it makes you uncomfortable, say no.

How are you today?

I did say no but it threw me, I didn't understand why they needed to know and it scared me because I thought they were going to call them and tell them where I was and then my children would be at risk and probably me again.

I came back my holiday Friday and saw psychologist who listened and told me she was worried about me and while my kids are away she will increase her contact with me.
I have the psychiatrist tomorrow which I'm not looking forward to but I know I have to go so that no one worries and stops me going through with it.
It's nice being home, I don't have to put on a happy face for everyone, I can just be me who ever that is.

I'm really tired of life, tired of breathing, just feel like I'm going mad again if that's possible :(

Not even sure if I'm making any sense

Hi OP,

Yes you are making sense.

I'm glad you are home and more comfortable. Please go to your appt - I know you aren't looking forward to it but please open up about how tired and worn out you are feeling. You are not going mad but it sounds like you have a very busy head!

It sounds like you also have a good rapport with your psychologist - I know it might all seem pointless but do keep talking. Do you take any ADs?

Keep updating please OP

Yes I take ADs and a whole other load of Meds. I'm just so tired of taking tablets and still feeling like this.
I need everything in my head to stop, I need the world to stop so I can get off but it doesn't seem to work like that.
Everything feels pointless.
My appointment is at 11.30 and I still haven't got up and now I'm panicking but it's not enough to make me get up.
Not even sure it matters anymore

How was appt OP? How you feeling today?

I'm sorry I thought I'd replied to this but I hadn't hit send.

The appointment didnt go great, I did try tell her what my plan was and how i was feeling but she told me she was going on maternity leave in september which I wasnt expecting and I shut down.

Cpn wasnt that great, I talked about my holiday and how bad it was, how i was feeling but I couldnt get out what I needed to.

I saw the Gp the next day about my stomach and she asked how i was I said my usual 'fine' but she moved her chair forward and asked again and i fell apart. I told her I wouldnt be here when the kids came home, she kept saying that i had to go to hospital or have IHTT involved, I told her no to both, it just makes things worse.
I felt like she was standing there with a pile of stones/snowballs and throwing them one after the other and it hurt really bad.
She agreed so speak to my psychiatrist and see what she said and i had to come back at the end of the week.

Cpn phoned but I couldnt talk, I didnt know what she wanted me to say.
Saw Gp again and she just said the same thing, phone if I'm struggling, or if I need to speak to someone.

Pyschologist phoned me and I just cried, she kept saying do I understand whey everyone was worried about me? but I cant see it, me being alive is wrong but me being dead is right.

It just feels a mess.

I'm so sorry that you are still struggling OP. I'm glad you've come back to update. Well done for being so honest about how you were feeling with the health care professionals - it's not easy and you are being really brave. Being alive is right OP - you do have people in RL who love you and need you, you have to hold onto that. One day at a time and keep talking

I dont see it though, dont feel it.
The only thing I do know is it all hurts too much to keep breathing and I'm scared I'm going to get it wrong and have to live with the consequences :(

Scared to get what wrong?

OP - what are your dc like? You said your youngest are 14 and 16...do they live with you?

I don't want to pry into your life but am here to listen....

Scared that it wont work and all I'm left with is more pain.

Yes they live with me, although just now they are away on holiday with their dad just now so I'm mostly on my own just now with my thoughts.

Ds2 can be kind and caring, although I saw a different side to him this holiday, my daughter is a handful, her behavior has been a nightmare for along time, I guess I'm used to it.

I dont know what will make this go away so that I want to live, it all feels such a mess.

My anxiety is really bad, I cant watch TV just now because of all the bad things I think will happen.
I'm seeing things, spiders all over the place, crawling on me, I had to buy a new quilt today because I couldn't risk them being on me again.

There's a big black bird that keeps following me, its really scary, it looks evil, but it's everywhere around me and I'm scared and I think I'm going more mad :(

OP - I'm not medically trained but I don't think your meds are working. You shouldn't have to live with hallucinations and crippling anxiety. It must be awful for you. When do dc get back from their holiday?

I dont think my meds are working but when I tell them they just say they wont make much of a difference all they will do is keep me on an even keel its the work with the psychologist that will make the difference which is all good and well in theory but it doesnt help me now.

One of my children is back in just over a week but is away the next day for 3 days with the Young carers, the other is back in just over 2 weeks.

It hurts to think I may not be here when they get back but it hurts more to think I may fail and have to live with this.

I'm still here Muddle - just busy busy busy so can't write full reply.

Do you have a crisis team to contact?

Hi muddle up - how are you feeling?

There is a crisis team but their answer is to have a cup of tea and go for a bath or just pass me to someone else to say the same thing.
Saw psychologist who was really nice and I talked a bit but couldn't tell her anything else.
I had to sort my room last night as I'm getting a new boiler in on Tuesday. There was lots of paper work, letters from social from when my oldest was younger, they said things that I don't remember ever saying things I wouldn't say.
I no I was really ill but surely I would remember.
My daughter left something in her room talking about being a young career and how she doesn't want me to go back into hospital so she has to help lots.

After reading everything I feel like my decision has been made and Wednesday is the day.
The kids will have the new boiler, the house will be sorted so they will be fine.
I just have to make sure when I see Gp on Monday I let her think I'm ok.

Are you telling them that you're feeling suicidal?

You can call Samaritans, if you can't face the crisis team. Their number is: 08457 90 90 90

Thinking of you.

Your kids won't be fine OP - they don't need a new boiler, they need their mum, they need you. Losing a parent to suicide must be unimaginably difficult and heartbreaking. I don't want to make things harder for you but suicide isn't your answer. Can you think of a time in your life when things were better or happier? You seem to get on with your psychologist much better than the crisis team so why not open up to her?