Given up

[muddleup]

I'm on holiday with my youngest two, 14 and 16.
Behaviour from them is bad but don't expect any different anymore.
My mood was pretty bad before I came here a week and abit ago, but the last couple of days it's fallen off the planet.
I want to come home now but still have 2 days left before the flight.
My phones playing up so I can't text and now I find out my friends dad only has hours left and I can't do anything stuck in Lanzarote.

I have a week left of living as my kids go to their dads in a weeks time and I'm counting down the hours.
I can't tell anyone how I feel or my plans in real life because they will make it not happen and I really need it to because it hurts too much to live.
If I don't come back for a bit it's because the wifi is a hit or a miss

[Mini05]

I to agree with Little

When I was with the MH team going through a bad time, I to went through the suicide thoughts.

When I told my worker he went through with me for about 2 hours how did I think my family would feel!!!
I never thought of this because I was to selfish and didn't know at the time that it was my meds making me feel like this!

He told me off all the people they have now in MH services, who's parents, partners,brothers,sisters had committed suicide and how they were truly messed up with different things.
This opened my eyes enormous as to what things like suicide cause to people.

Please speak out louder for help, show them your serious about wanting help to get better.

[susiedaisy]

Thinking of you muddle

[chockbic]

Muddleup, do you ever go walking?

Its good to get out of the house and out of the head space.

Plus the fresh air and exercise can lift your mood a bit.

[muddleup]

Saw Cpn this morning, told her how I felt, how I was scared.
She asked if I knew what would help, I said I didn't know, didn't know if my meds needed changing or if it was something else, I genuinely don't know.
I think I'm not doing very well at explaining things right.
But I guess it doesn't make any difference what I say, I'm not sure if they believe or hear me.
I don't have her again now for nearly 5 weeks and Psychologist for 4 and Gp for 4 so I'm thinking they don't think there is a risk.

Maybe they are right.

[Mini05]

That's really bad MH care!
Muddle if things are still the same, and your not getting any restbite from your thoughts and your bloody team are shit at helping you then

How do you feel about turning up at a&e, and let there on call psych assess you?

[chockbic]

Can you get in touch with your psychologist and tell her how desperate you are feeling?

[Singsongmama]

Hi muddle, just checking in to ask how you are today.

[Singsongmama]

Is one of your dc home now? You said that they'd be back before going away again. Have you seen them?

[sisterofmercy]

Muddle do you have access to a printer? Could you print out this conversation on Mumsnet and show it to your doctor, psychologist etc? I think you describe very well how you are feeling and suffering on here.

You have now lived several weeks longer than you planned when you were on holiday. It has been hell on earth but you have managed it. Please keep going until your medical team finds a way of helping you - ring the Samaritans every time you get the urge.

[susiedaisy]

Muddle could you keep a worry book or a diary and put it all on paper. This can be very cathartic and it gives your CPN something to see to help them understand.

[muddleup]

Pyschologist is now on holiday I think until she sees me in August, Cpn is the same, so I am on my own until then.

My daughter is back tomorrow and I should be excited but I'm not. my other son is back next Monday.

I do write things down or I used to and let my psychologist read it but I started to feel like she was getting annoyed at me for it so I stopped.
I did try again recently and she said it was a very brave thing I had done but I didnt feel any different.

I can try printing out this thread for them but they wont see it until nearly the end of August and by then it may be too late for me.

[susiedaisy]

Hi muddle haven't really got anything to add but were still here.

[muddleup]

It's ok, but thanks anyway.

[chockbic]

Have you seen your dd yet?

[muddleup]

I'm due to go collect her from the station in an hour, feel really sick at the thought.

[chockbic]

Do you think there will be a problem with her?

[chockbic]

How did you get on yesterday?

[muddleup]

She's back and the away again, back for good tomorrow.
I don't know what I'm supposed to think or feel about everything.
I put so much emphasis I think and worry about the kids coming home.
I guess I feel angry that I'm still here, that everyone's concern is how the kids will be if I'm not here but forgetting that I am still here and struggling really bad, I guess they're right I really am selfish.
I just want it to stop

[chockbic]

Do you ever go out with your kids just for a coffee or something?

Might give you a chance to have a chat with them and bond a little.

Keep talking we are here.

[Singsongmama]

My primary concern is you, your pain, your struggle. I think people worry about your children as part of their worry for you. I don't think you are selfish. You are going through a really hard spell and coping one day at a time....I've said it before but I'll say it again, that makes you brave. Keep posting, we're here to listen. Why don't you use this thread to vent on a daily basis? Do you think it would help to write down everything that's making you feel worse? Or write down anything that has given you comfort, pleasure or hope?

[susiedaisy]

Thinking of you muddle

[muddleup]

I ask them about going out, if its on their terms like to the cinema then they are up for it, but the rest of the time its always a no, they want to see their friends, which I do understand.
It does hurt though hearing them constantly saying no.
I guess in my head it just makes it more real that they dont need me.
I've messed their lives up enough.

I'm really tired, my friends are busy, my daughters away out, my older sons at work and I just want to lock the door and take all my pills.
There just isnt any point at all.
You've all been so nice I just dont deserve it.

[chockbic]

Is there anywhere else they like to go apart from the cinema?

I suppose they're growing up and pretending they have all the answers ;)

Its not true though as they do need you and always will.

[Singsongmama]

Of course you deserve it! Everyone needs support sometimes. Fwiw I very much doubt that you've messed up their lives - they sound like busy, "normal" kids (whatever normal means!) growing up and becoming independent.

They still very much need you though. I think parents are our safety nets. They often aren't needed but just knowing that they are there makes life a little easier (I know everyone has different experiences and one model doesn't fit all so this isn't always true) I'm in my thirties and my mum is very far from perfect but sometimes there are times I really need her and she probably doesn't even know it. And it isn't because she does anything huge - it's just that she is there on the other side of the phone. I don't want to say too much about my ancient history but I am so very very glad that I didn't lose my mum to suicide.

What are you doing this weekend Muddle? Even if it's their terms, cinema might be fun!

[muddleup]

I offered to take my daughter and her friend shopping and for something to eat, big fat no.
Phoned my friend to see if I could borrow her wee boy and I would take him to cinema but she's not answering.
I know I need to keep busy but it feels like everything is working against me, like a sign, I don't no, I just feel like there's a hurricane running through my head, thoughts, feelings, everything is too much and too fast