Given up

[muddleup]

I'm on holiday with my youngest two, 14 and 16.
Behaviour from them is bad but don't expect any different anymore.
My mood was pretty bad before I came here a week and abit ago, but the last couple of days it's fallen off the planet.
I want to come home now but still have 2 days left before the flight.
My phones playing up so I can't text and now I find out my friends dad only has hours left and I can't do anything stuck in Lanzarote.

I have a week left of living as my kids go to their dads in a weeks time and I'm counting down the hours.
I can't tell anyone how I feel or my plans in real life because they will make it not happen and I really need it to because it hurts too much to live.
If I don't come back for a bit it's because the wifi is a hit or a miss

[Singsongmama]

Why don't you call the Samaritans? Just phone up and offload, don't hold back, it's confidential so just let everything out. It might not change anything but it might make you feel better to really speak to someone.

[Eggsaregoodforyou]

OP

I am truly sorry to hear how bad things are for you right now.

Please do not commit suicide. You mention in one of your posts that you'd did not want anything to happen that would bring your parents back into yours and your children's lives and put you or them at risk.

So you obviously care enough about your DC to want them safe.

If you commit suicide they will not be safe now, and maybe never again. My DH father commuted suicide when he was a child and as a consequence terrible things happened to him DH), the effect of the abuse continues to place him at risk even as an adult.

You have to find a way to live no matter how impossible it seems or how angry that makes you.

You need to find someone either a professional or maybe someone in the voluntary sector who you feel understands you and can help you make send of your problems. Apart from crisis team what input/ help have you had?

[Eggsaregoodforyou]

Also OP what is being done with regards your medication? Are you on antidepressants only or anything else to help alleviate the hallucinations? The will be something that will get rid of these so that will be one less horrible things to cope with, but it's important that your Psychiatrist is being proactive about this...not just letting things muddle along.....and do they know about all of your symptoms?

[muddleup]

I dont know what to say anymore.
My meds havent been changed.
Psychiatrist knows how I'm feeling but it feels like she doesnt belive me.
I'm so tired of this, tired of breathing, I dont know how to cope with all these feelings.
I cant stop the tears, I dont know how to.
I'm scared, really scared but theres nothing else that can be done

[susiedaisy]

Middle up I feel your pain I really do but suicide isn't the answer please don't do that.

[muddleup]

Then what is?
I'm scared, cant stop crying cant get a grip,
am panicking, feel sick, just want it all over just want it to stop

[Singsongmama]

We're listening OP, we believe you and want to help you.

You have to tell the GP on Monday how desperate you are feeling. You need proper care, I don't know what meds/care you need as I'm not qualified but you need to demand that something is put in place to help you immediately.

What would help? Can you think of anything that would make things slightly easier? Sleeping meds? Anxiety meds? Company during the day?

[susiedaisy]

Muddle. It's sounds like you have severe anxiety. It is truly horrendous I know I have had it. I couldn't eat or shower or even talk when I was in the grip of it. I wanted out I really did. But there was a tiny bit of me that held on and over time with help from the CPN my gp my mum, meds and CBT courses and my dc I have got it under control. I won't lie and say I'm 'cured' but life is a lot better than it was. I'm also a single parent and know how shitty it can be. But please hold on and go back to gp. Xxxxxx

[Mini05]

Ditto to the above, I too 18 mths ago was in a very dark place felt like sky high anxiety. I didn't want to be bothered with anybody then the next minute in panic and wanted everybody to help searching the net for help. But I didn't want help I wanted them to do it for me a magic person.

It took a while, even to get my meds right but I'm here to tell the story. Like susie I'm not cured and still have blips but I'm a hell of a lot better.
It's a chore and it's harder sometimes than others, and needs to be constantly worked at.

You will get there! But if you won't open up and tell people then how are they going to help you.
You have to say exactly the same to all of them gp, psych, psychologist

Get them to look at your meds again! How long have you been on your ads?

If you do as your planning who do you think will look after your kids? They can't stay on there own at there age. Also they will be devastated think they have got to leave with that my mum committed suicide.
Can you do that to them?

[muddleup]

They won't do anything with my Meds, they just tell me that talking is the answer, and part of mr gets that but part of me thinks they say anything to shut me up.
I take antidepressant , antipsychotic , litium and some other stuff for my physical problems,
None hab
Ve worked in a while.
I'm sure my kids will get by, that life without me will be so much better without me.
Hopefully my oldest gets to keep the house or the council will down size it for him.
When I tell Cpn or psychologist they ,mjust down play it, my Gp seems to jump up in full panicking mode
I've got the the stage where telling makes it worse

[Mini05]

Your eldest won't get the house unless he is on the tenancy, if it's just in your name then he defo won't.

If part of you get the talking therapy then try it, but it takes time as everything does!
Maybe they play it down for a reason, to stop you! Irrational thinking

Do you have any diazepam? Perhaps you should ask just to get you over this bad feeling say just for couple weeks

[Feelingdownthismorn]

I think someone mentioned calling the Samaritans.
Did you know you can also email them?
[email protected]
It will take them several hours to reply but I found them very helpful.
Thinking of you

[susiedaisy]

Muddle. Hope you're ok

[Singsongmama]

Same here Muddle - thinking of you

[muddleup]

I haven't slept for what feels like days, I'm really shaky and feel sick.
I am supposed to see my Gp tomorrow and I'm really scared. I don't know what to say for fear of the consequences.
I feel as though what I think is right everyone tells me is wrong, everything I thought I knew was right is wrong.

My head is so much of a mess I just need it all to stop.

[chockbic]

It's OK you don't have to know the answers.

Let those thoughts come and go. That's all they are.

Is your appointment with the GP today or tomorrow?

[muddleup]

It was supposed to be this morning but they phoned and changed it to later this afternoon.
I dont want to go now, too much time to think about her making me go to hospital.
Have made a mess of my daughters Ema forms, made an idiot of myself on the phone to the council and DWP couldnt explain anything as I was crying too much, they told me to phone back when I'd calmed down.
I'm exhausted but im scared to stop as if I do im not safe.
It's just one big fat mess :(

[chockbic]

It isn't a mess, you are still here and trying your best.

Please go to the GP and tell them exactly how you are feeling.

[Singsongmama]

I think you are really brave OP - you're trying hard to carry on and are trying to get on with life and do things for your children. Don't be scared OP, maybe you need time out in a safe place to let everything settle down.

How was doctors appt OP? Any help or change to meds? Thinking of you

[muddleup]

I don't feel very brave.

Doctors appointment didnt go as planned, I tried to tell her, I told her that the new boiler going in tomorrow left me with nothing else to look for, but she seemed to just ignore it and go on about seeing my kids get married, having children and so on, she didnt hear me so whats the point.

I also have a chest infection and pleurisy again so all and all I messed everything up again

[Fairyfellowsmasterstroke]

Muddled - your GP was listening to you. You were talking about things to stay alive for (you have previously posted that once the boiler is in you will decide to end your life) so your GP was trying to make you see further ahead to focus on your children's futures.

Who will be there to look out for them when your gone??

Have you considered what your actions could mean for your children? Who would look after them, talk to them, laugh at silly things with them?

They need you more than you can ever comprehend.

And as for a chest infection - these things happen and are easily treated YOU HAVE NOT MESSED EVERYTHING UP.

Stay focused on getting through each hour and gradually those hours will stretch to days.

[chockbic]

How are you getting on today?

[Singsongmama]

How are you OP? Any updates for us? How is the chest infection?

[muddleup]

Sorry had no internet yesterday as boiler was going in.
Chest still really sore and still quite breathless.
Feel really numb and flat, phoned psychologist today but she wasn't there, left a message for her to call me but I guess that won't be until tomorrow.

I still don't worry about leaving my kids, they do deserve better than me and should be able to move on without me

[Littlegiraffe]

Muddle,

I've just seen your post and wanted to say how sorry I am you are feeling the way you are. Sorry I don't know your back story if there is one. But I am going to be honest. Ending your life won't free your kids, it will more than likely give them a lifetime of unknowns, a lifetime of wondering whether they said or did something to make you do what you did, or wonder what they didn't say or do something they should have to prevent it. A lifetime of guilt. They may suffer mental health problems as a result. They may fear for their future and get hung up on the fact that some studies suggest a genetic link to suicide. They might be tormented by this daily (or more often), and tormented about the events that unfolded when your death was discovered. This may affect their relationships in the future. They will not be free, far from it.

Unfortunately I speak from experience, being almost 4years on since my mums suicide. On the outside, I appear fine (mostly), but on the inside in struggling. A lot.

If you have any fight left in you - and I believe you have - go back to your GP or demand to see your psychiatrist.
I know services are stretched and appointments don't magically appear out of thin air, but if you can hang in there until you see your psychiatrist, surely he/she must be able to review your medication, or arrange some sort of therapy/counselling?

I really hope you can find the strength to persevere.