Given up

[muddleup]

I'm on holiday with my youngest two, 14 and 16.
Behaviour from them is bad but don't expect any different anymore.
My mood was pretty bad before I came here a week and abit ago, but the last couple of days it's fallen off the planet.
I want to come home now but still have 2 days left before the flight.
My phones playing up so I can't text and now I find out my friends dad only has hours left and I can't do anything stuck in Lanzarote.

I have a week left of living as my kids go to their dads in a weeks time and I'm counting down the hours.
I can't tell anyone how I feel or my plans in real life because they will make it not happen and I really need it to because it hurts too much to live.
If I don't come back for a bit it's because the wifi is a hit or a miss

[muddleup]

Yes, but it never seems to prepare me, it doesn't matter how much work I do on it it just always catches me out.
This year I'm just exhausted with everything and my Cpn and psychologist have both been off for 4 weeks and I still have another week to go before they are back and I see them.

I have too much baggage, too many things in my head, its just too much.
Today I feel flat and that there is even less reasons to stay.

[sisterofmercy]

Oh that is dreadful muddle. There never was anything you could do because it was them that weren't right. No wonder you hate your birthday.

[Singsongmama]

Muddle, you've been so honest with us and that can't have been easy.

I feel lost for words. That level of hurt and betrayal from the very people who were meant to love you and care for you has unsurprisingly left you very vulnerable. I am so sorry. Is it any wonder you hate your birthday.

You have probably heard it all from counsellors, friends etc but what they did was NOT your fault. There is nothing you could have done. Can I ask....do you find that you are able to react rationally and think objectively about it while still feeling negatively? What I mean is you clearly feel anxious etc but do you have a mental script that tells yourself that things are different now?

It's hard to explain what I mean. It's almost CBT I guess (not claiming to be any expert) but do you "label and leave" thoughts? Every time you remember or something reminds you, you need to shout at yourself "That is something that happened TO me....but it is NOT who I AM."

There is no cure but you've fought it for so long and yes, that must be so exhausting. But it also means that you are doing SO very well, despite them, despite their actions and Muddle....they can never hurt you again, ever. Don't ever give up Muddle.

[muddleup]

I dont know.
It was all I knew, I struggle with my own children now because I dont know whats normal behaviour and what isn't. I wouldn't speak or act the way they do towards my mum and dad because if I did they would have hurt me badly.
So I dont know if they are wong or my children are wrong.
Not even sure this makes sense.

It feels like who I am, I'm part of them and I'm terrified I will be like them :(

[Singsongmama]

You are who you are, you are not part of them any more, you are more than your childhood history. That was then and it must have been horrific but this is now and you are making your own life and choices. I hope you have freed yourself completely from your parents a long time ago.

I understand what you mean about parenting your children but the few examples you've posted here makes them sound like very "normal" teenagers.

[muddleup]

I haven't seen my family in over 10 years but i still worry that they will find me.
What everyone else's normal doesn't feel like mine, it's the complete opposite.
I'm so tired, I just want to sleep, an hour, 2,3,4, a day, forever, anything.
I just can't seem to get a grip.
It just feels too much to keep going, it hurts too much.
I know everyone tells me my children need me and I do hear that I just can't listen to it because I can't go on (not even sure that makes sense)
Everything's really dark.

[chockbic]

You aren't like them because you have insight and care.

Do you think there is an element of blame or guilt from the abuse?

[MrsGoslingWannabe]

Just read your thread Muddle and glad you're still here. Not sure what to say except that you matter a lot and I really hope your MH can help you.

[MrsGoslingWannabe]

*MH team that was supposed to say.

[muddleup]

I think I feel both blame and guilt.
Guilt for not being a better daughter and I do blame myself for not being strong enough to stop it or fighting them so they would hurt me really bad that someone would notice.

I have psychologist this afternoon first appointment in 5 weeks, I don't want to go, am really scared.

Saw Gp yesterday, she asked how I felt about still being here, I told her disappointed, she said she was glad I was still here but I just wanted to scream at her that it feels like it's always about someone else when does how I feel come into?

I don't no how I'm supposed to feel anymore

[muddleup]

There is no point in any of this anymore. Am so tired of life.

[chockbic]

Its natural to want to please your parents.

You haven't done anything wrong. They are sick people who inflicted their sickness onto you then tried to blame you for it too.

I hope you can see that.

Take each day as it comes and feel free to let out your emotions here.

[muddleup]

So my psychologist told me today she will be leaving in a few months, I've only had her just over a year after my last one left. She doesnt know if I will get another one.
Psychiatrist leaves next month to have her baby.
I'm wondering if my cpn is going to tell me she is leaving.
I know people leave and things change but it feels like I'm drowning.
I cant cope with all this.
Todays session was wasted with me talking about how I was struggling with her leaving.
Now I just feel like such a cow because it was all about me.

I know I hate going but I knew I had to if I wanted things to improve, it just feels like there are too many obstacles in the way.

On a plus note I got an appointment in for the pain clinic so hopefully they will be able to help this time.

I just feel like I'm wasting everyone's time,
:(

[chockbic]

What did the psychologist say when you told her you were struggling?

You don't have to feel like a cow because the session is about you.

Low serotonin can make pain worse so anti depressants might help with that.

[Singsongmama]

You're not wasting anyone's time....it is about you. It is crap that there isn't consistency because it must take ages to build up trust but as you say, it's just the way. These people should help you feel like there are less obstacles but it will take time

[muddleup]

She said she understood I was struggling but maybe if I stopped thinking go killing myself and focused on living things would get better.
I already take antidepressants.
The only pain Meds I can take is paracetamol and that doesn't help much, not really sure they can help much either due to all my Meds.

I don't think I have the energy to cope with anything else or built up the trust again even though I guess I have to.
I'm just scared and feel defeated maybe it's just not meant to be.

I guess I sound like I'm feeling sorry for myself and maybe I am, I just don't know what to do anymore :(

[chockbic]

You could try Mind, Sane or Rethink. They might have some ideas.

What is your diet like? Do you exercise?

Sorry you're struggling.

[muddleup]

Thank you for that. I'll try look at it properly tomorrow when kids aren't here.
My food intack is really bad, I have problems with my stomach and bowels. Gp is sending me Back to the hospital for them to check me over.
I keep hoping that if the pain clinic helps then I can do more physically.

Lost the plot with my kids today and if at their ages they can't help me then I need to stop doing things for however long it takes.

I'm so anxious over everything . I was in my bed this afternoon and the Gardner was cutting the grass but I kept thinking he would cut his foot off or hand and then his kids wouldn't have a fit dad and it would be my fault.

I amnt rational, I feel like a red flag to a bull .
I have no patients over anything,

The things in my head won't go away, thoughts, fears, images all of it, I just want it gone :(

[chockbic]

Have you ever had any CBT therapy? That can be a way of breaking down those thoughts you have.

There is a little section about it here: www.cognitivetherapyguide.org/negative-thinking-patterns.htm