"Summer is Coming, the Village is warm and safe - support for depression, anxiety and other MH issues"

[LollipopViolet]

New thread, everyone :) First attempt at a thread title for us.

I've just posted on the old one, am really struggling today. Was feeling numb, still do, to be honest. Need to get myself through today.

Pity I can't take my own advice. I feel so worthless

((((hugs))) lem, katkins, snowy and anyone else that needs them.

Hi pyrrh, something, nana, blossomy

struggling bit too. First Relate session this morning. Hard. Feel like someone is going to give me a shake and tell me to stop making such a fuss.

Lem I can only endorse every word that something has said about your relationship with your mother, and I know it's easy for us to tap away on a screen without really understanding the situation. Whatever the origin of this dynamic between you and your mom Lem it isn't helping you or her - seems like she's in victim mode (not consciously of course) and you rush to rescue and then she turns persecutor and you are left feeling crap. Can you consider changing some aspect of the dynamic between you - just as a trial if you see what I mean. I think we "play our parts" in our relationships without realising that we are doing this and there is a script that gets played out, Act 1 - scene 1 etc. Could you change the script in some way? Sorry if I'm not making sense.

Kat to be honest you sound like you are suffering from depression and it is a deceitful illness because it makes us believe all horrid things about ourselves, and I think this is what's happening to you. Once the negative thoughts take hold, they spiral out of control and make us feel even more worthless and god only knows what else. The panic you felt in having to go out is of course anxiety ++ and it's horrible, so well done for managing it. Re the debts - I know it's really hard when you feel so crap but ignoring them is not the way to go. Can you make an appointment at CAB and take all the paperwork with you and someone will hopefully be able to help you sort it out and ensure you are claiming all you are entitled to. It doesn't sound like you have anyone in RL to support you?

I wonder too about your DD and the friends that are caring for her. I think you mentioned they were retired but presumably all right to care for your DD. Are they supportive of you too, and if so could they help you sort out the debts and benefits etc. Hope you managed to do whatever it is was you had to do tonight.

Pyrrh you sound more cheerful and glad the move seems to be progressing ok.

Oh Snowy I suppose it was inevitable that you were going to find the assessment difficult, but I do remember fairly recently that you stopped taking your meds and that isn't really an option is it, and so bound to cause concern. I absolutely understand what you mean about it isn't you having suicidal thoughts, it is the voices telling you to do things and it seems so unfair that the anti-psychotics that give you horrible side effects don't seem to be able to quieten the voices. I know you can sometimes quieten them with playing music through your headphones.

The thing about asking you what level of risk you are to yourself is I suppose the only way they can know, as they can't read your mind, so to speak. My CPN asks me sometimes when I am having a very bad day and I am wailing down the phone at her and I just get irritated and tell her I'm not going to do "anything stupid" but of course I don't have voices telling me to go and do something to harm myself, and it must be incredibly difficult to block them out, but you do find a way to quieten them snowy and you are quite good at distraction too.

You aren't worthless snowy - none of us are. It's just mental bloody illness that makes us think we are. I know I don't know you but I know that you are a very generous spirited young woman who is stoical about a complex mental illness and always ready to "reach out" to others, no matter how crap you are feeling. I told my CPN recently I didn't want her to see me when I was in a bad state and that I wasn't worth bothering about, and I really meant it. The meds change have caused a nose dive though I have had a few days respite. I write in my journal every day and some days the page is just covered in huge letters full of negative stuff about myself. Then a better day dawns and I realise it's the illness that makes me think these things, and that's why I think it's deceitful. When you say you start on Friday - do you mean the day hospital - if so I hope they manage to send the right transport this time.

Blossomy I've been wondering how you are - you sound quite cheerful so hope your self help regime has helped.

CIQ it's not going to be easy - and it's also very tiring in my experience. You aren't "making a fuss" - your feelings are real and there are things in your r/ship with DH that are causing you (and probably him) emotional pain and need to be able to be aired although that will be painful. Do you feel ok about the therapist as I think that's one of the main issues really - if you feel she/he is even handed and competent and you feel safe then you have the best chance of understanding what's going wrong in your r/ship.

Ah well enough said......wondering about others silvery collardove nethuns (where have you gone?) Victrix and anyone else I've missed.

thanks nana yes, I'm happy with the counsellor - she gets what I'm saying quickly and seems to know her stuff. Not sure dh is that keen but he did recognise her competence.

You're right about the tiring, but my anxiety has kicked in this evening so I'm wide awake

((CIQ)) Hope you managed to get some sleep. Nana, it's all council tax and housing benefit and stuff. As you probbably know- benefits can be a real pain with all of that stuff.

Home treatment team came today- consultant upped my setraline to 100mg (I kept asking!) and lowered the dose of anti physcotic to 50mg pnr. For anxiety. She suggested that I go on to jobseekers, but I really don't need the hassle right now (was saying self worth etc....)I don't think I should jump straight back into work...I thought I'd apply (again) for ESA and consider and look for something that works for me p/t wise....but I have good days and bad days...not sure going to the job centre is going to help me.

Apparently, they thought I'd get through th psychosis without medication and that I wasn't "truly physcotic" because I still had (some) insight. But it was absolutely horrendous, and luckily, for me, naturally ran it's course.

Not convinced that I'd be entirely well enough to work just yet...or that I don't need medication. But glad they are discharging me. They are visiting again on Monday with the CPN from outpatient. Once I have a clinic appoitnment, I can be discharged. But that's ust how I feel about things. Surely, it's a bad idea to be hassled by the jobcentre in to x y and z unsuitable job just yet? I don't know how it all works, though, and don't take it lightly...because I do need the money. Only I'm trying to think of what's best for me and DD. The social worker has authorised unsupervised contact, and soon will change that to DD being allowed being back home, we think.

It's so good to hear that you say that the symptoms have ran their course katkins It must have been horrible to go through. I'm glad things are moving on with your DD too

I'm not sure what to say about benefits etc, but you probably do need some recovery time.

Thanks NN, I did mean I was starting day hospital on Friday, you're right. I really hope things start to pick up for you, NN, you deserve it to.

I hope you got some sleep, CIQ

They have for a little bit- Snowy- though I do still have quite a lot. Like yesterday, I thought all of the people on the bus were cockroaches and saw a spider on a ladies' back as I was waiting at the clinic. I still hear/ exeperience the voices too, I think I've just become very good at managing them (people always comment on this) and having 'insight' isywim. I just don't know if, as much as I so, so want to, rushing straight back into going to work or looking for it is going to be right for me. I feel a bit like...I don't know...that I have to defend myself or proove I'm "really" ill. But 7 weeks of active physcosis is quite a lot, and when DD does come back, I've no-one else to help at home with anything and very little RL support. My friends looking after her are going away for a Month soon, too, so we need to organise something before then. The way the DR was talking today, I felt like a bit of a fraud and trying to claim something I'm not entitled to. I am nearly in tears writing this- but how am I going to manage DD, being unwell (which I really, really am, I'm not making it up for attention or anything like that. I don't even speak about a lot of it) and being pushed into an unsuitable job. I still get lots of things like physcial pain, tiredness diziness and I coudn't say for certain that one good day would mean I could work. Though I have to fight a battle with myself there, because I really need the money. I think it's because I don't really cry about it or anything (except when I'm on my own) and I'm quite level headed about everything. I'm quite stoic, really, that's my personality in general.

Sorry, I know it sounds a bit rambling....I'm just not sure if I'm still seeing things/ hearing voices then work is going to be the right place for me, just yet. The consultant upped my setraline to 100mg, and swapped diapazem for quietpiene 50mg pnr, but she was a bit reluctant to. I might end up not needing it, but I'm not one to make a huge fuss about things, so I don't really know if I explain myself well enough...or if I really am 'well enough' or what goes on in my head really. I think I am feeling very, very defensive today like I have to proove in some way how I've been feeling and that there's some kind of test for it. But I think everyone copes differently, and it just happens that I coped in that way. Some days are a really, really big struggle though. As in, really big struggle. I feel sick even writing this, like I'm a fraud in the wrong place.

I really hope the day hospital starts to make a difference, snowy. NN, I can't track it all- but how are you feeling on the meds and in general?

katkins do get help with sorting out your money stuff. I used to work for the CAB and they are very good at it. Also if you want to claim ESA - it is quite technical, claiming on mh grounds, these days CAB can talk you through various possible outcomes, which can give a bit of clarity.

They are overstretched, but round here I think there is a CAB worker linked to the MH hospital.

I hate this drive to get everyone back to work, as if it will somehow make us "all better". This was far from the case for me, though I managed to work in a stressed and depressed state for some time in each of the jobs I've had. (Sorry, am old gimmer reviewing her life at 62; in my young day the system reflected the belief that up till youngest DC was 16, someone should be a SAHP, which helped me build up enough credits for state pension while not at my mental best.)

Some people only ever have one episode, katkins, that might be where the medics are coming from. Using 50mg quetiapine in lieu of diazepam for anxiety is fairly normal, from what I've heard from people with anxiety, you don't get used to it in the same way. I think it's very hard to know when to go back into work, but the key is that you need to feel ready, and possibly not hearing/seeing things.

Here if you need to talk.

Silvery, I did my degree and got on to a doctorate, starting next year, in my worst state. I was even taking the little one to school when having hallucinations. I think I need to go to citizens advice asap really, seeing the doctor this week, so the bottom line will be a discussion with them. I'm a lone parent, so think I need to factor that in, too. What I don't want is to be straight back to square one with it all, when I'm not sure if it's over yet. I might be well enough from the home treatment perspective, but I think that does mean different to whether I could be hassled by the job centre every fortnight. If I were a bit more honest with them, I might get more help,but I'm a bit reluctant to be. Maybe when I have a steady relationship with one worker then I'll be more honest. I do want to work, but as my daughter hasn't been back to e yet, surely that should be the priority? She's been away for seven weeks now, and it takes me longer than I think to nything. Does anyone else have things like muscle weakness as part of depression or because of physcodis and/or medication? I'm having real problems moving my arms. They are really painful. Have been for a while.

The doctor should be able to help with fit notes etc if need be. The meds can make you feel slowed etc I think. Is someone working on you spending more and more time with DD?

I phoned the social worker today- she said she will sort it all out. She's been a bit slow with it, but I think that's because I'm notI'm not much of a risk. The consultant mentioned it I think because I'm a really active person usually, but it freaked me out a bit. I think it's too much of a jump, too soon. I haven't got ajob anyway, so I'd just be put onto jobseekers allowance is all. I was told by a 'friend' that I was making up the whole thing about physcotic episodes; but those who know me well say I'm still quite unwell. I suppose because I'm not making a fuss and just getting on (just my way) then people assume I'm alright. But everything is so so much harder than I thought.

I hope that the social worker pulls her finger out. I think it can be very hard to get back to 'normal' as quickly as people think, and it's very wearing. I have the opposite, I feel I'm ok really, but the professionals don't.

I do sometimes say 'I'm fine' and try to convince people that I am, when I'm actually not. I'm going to phone the CAB tommorow, explain the situation and try to get an appointment. I think going there early (if I could get up really, really early) and having to make a long journey then wait to be told there aren't any appointments might increase my anxiety to sky high levels. I only just make it out of the house some days. I feel sick at the thought of claiming jobseekers. I am actually seriously starting to panic now. My life is just in one huge mess. I'm due in court for council tax (they messed up), haven't paid my provident loan for ages, am massively overdrawn and likely to be left without money for 6 weeks whilst I try and claim ESA. I am really, really freaking out now. Not even my housing benefit has been paid, though I've put a claim in. Seriously starting to panic. It's a bit too much, I think.

I hope the CAB help, it sounds like you have a lot of admin type jobs to do

Katkins I think you need to try to slow down a bit and try not to panic, though I know that's easier said than done.

I don't think JSA is the right benefit for you to claim because you have a child to care for and so are not available for work. This govt have introduced some draconian measures I know, but you can't work if you have a young child and no child care.

I think you could claim Income Support (which is only about £56 a week) but you can also claim Child Tax Credits (you don't have to be working) and Housing Benefit. I might be wrong but I think ESA is for people who need support to find a job, and you can't work regardless of your health because you have a young child. As I understand it she will be returning to live with you shortly.

I think you maybe need to stop worrying about whether you were/are psychotic or not and who believes what or what someone at university said about you. Try to stay in the "here and now" and take one step at a time. What was the social worker going to sort out for you?

SO I think you're right to phone CAB tomorrow to see if you can get an appointment or maybe have a telephone conversation with one of the advisors. Then you will have to go to the JobCentre and claim whatever benefits you can. I'm pretty sure I'm right about the right benefits for you would be Income Support and Child Tax Credit and HB. The trouble with the JobCentre is that you have to complete the forms within a certain time and comply with all their rules and regulations, but that's what you will have to do - there isn't another way.

Let us know how you get on. Take care and we're all here to support you.

katkins I think it is wrong to be talking to you about work when you've been so ill and like you say are not recovered yet. As you say getting your daughter back and settled as her mum again.

Hi snowy hope you're doing ok today.

Not much sleep last night and dd upset today cos she's being picked on at school . Feeling like the last couple of weeks have caught up with me, but I have school holidays starting tomorrow. ..

Checking in. Not too bad, but need to install some kind of routine in myself.

katkins I think NN is right, provided DD is under school age. The CAB should do a full benefits check as part of their debt advice. And in the old days I would have spoken to council re Housing Benefit and Council Tax Benefit on your behalf.

Nana, she's 7 this year, so it would have to be ed s on health grounds. I already get it as I had a fit note for 6 weeks that runs out soon, this was when I was just prescribed Prozac, and before the real issues started with the voices and the spiders and all of the rest of it. I was signed up to agencies and stuff, offered work, and obviously, just lost my job, so I'm , at present, capable of work. My plan was always to work, knowing I have a degrees and having studied full time, with a minder doing the childcare. I was perfectly ok signing on until I found work, and fully aware of all childcare costs and everything. All of my bills were paid, all benefits claimed for. Everything going great. I even saved up and took us on , as a single mum. We used to go on day trips to very far out places, no problems, art galleries mainly (I studied an arts related subject). She even had a sepaocte set of uniform hanging up for each day, complete with socks! I was coping so well...Then as I got more and more depressed at first, partly because my Grandparents died within 18 months of o e another, my Grandfather in January..And I had post traumatic flashbacks in the years previous to that because ad a really traumatic upringing...things just spiralled out of control. I've got a booking to see my where hopefully, I can just explain and get a new fit note just until I'm sorted with the little one. I've 're applied for housing benefit,so that will be a case of waiting for a decision. Council tax sent me a letter saying what I need to do (after I got in touch and explained the admin error). So, I'll ring tommorow and sort that out and findt about court. Going to magistrates might not be as bad as I think it will be, as I've obviously got all of the letters and proof, ready for when they ask. They might sort it quicker that way, I have phoned and sent things so many times. I get tax credits, have been sending that, plus child benefit and the mandatory child patience her dad pays, as he's not working, to my friend. That left my bill paying and organisation in a bit of a state, because I had it all organised if you see what I mean.plus, I was still buying things my little one needed out of my benefits. My friends would have looked after her regardless of the money, but it's not fair to ask her to, so we set up a bank transfer and I've been paying it to her as soon as I get it. It's what I claim fir my daughter, so only right it gets spent on her, whoever she lives with right now.I Have contacted citizens advice, hopefully they can help me. I suppose that just leaves the loan company to talk to...but I don't think I'm too far behind. I've taken my meds, so that calms me down. I think it was the suggestion that I'm suddenly better, like magic, when I am, in fact, really still not well and myself. I think they pushed me a bit too far by suggesting it. I'm pretty sure the outpatient will just advise me to claim whatever I think best at point, rather than introducing new hassle. I've not found much hope, or care, from services in my area. I live near you, I think, might out myself, but Birmingham. Big city, lots of demand for services.

But even if the child is not under school age surely a single parent can't be expected to look for work could they Silvery unless they have child care. Katkin's LO is 6 I think. I know there was talk from this awful govt about parents "preparing for work" when their children were under school age but I don't think it was ever explained exactly what this meant! You mention Council Tax Benefit and it maybe that Katkins can claim this too.

There must be thousands of single parents who can't work because they can't afford childcare unless they can find something part time, but even then there are 13 weeks of school holidays per year. Surely even these rich toffs that govern our country can't expect single parents to abandon their children in order to work!

I'm afraid according to Advice Guide they do, NN, with some exceptions that the site doesn't specify but are probably to do with having DC with disability.

It's a different world these days...

hi all,

just reading and catching up - katkins - please do get some advice on this whole benefits situation - this bloody government is trying to push everyone over the flipping edge....i think you need an advocate to help you out, and nana speaks sense.

i need to come back and read and catch up....

i attended my first AA meeting tonight. day 2 without a drink.

Something - BIG congratulations on going to your first AA meeting. My god - how brave is that - how was it, unless you don't want to say of course. AND day 2 without a drink, and tomorrow will be day 3 (you'd never have worked that out would you!!)

Yep these bastards running the country are doing an excellent job of pushing people over the edge - it is a scandal. They are the scraping of humanity as far as I'm concerned. Better stop before I go on a political rant..............

nana....i could rant with you - think of our blood pressure.

well - the AA meeting was good, a little "hippy" but nice, welcoming. its a small local meeting, consisted of 3 women (including me) and 4 men. As soon as i walked in i was greeted with a cheery smile and "hello" - i said i wasnt sure i was in the right place and was told i probably was. numbers fluctuate but it was nice - small, homely.

everyone was very friendly. i spoke. i said why i was there. not fully understanding the 12 steps but i will stick with it - cant go again for 2 weeks due to working pattern but have a number of a lady there if i feel the need to talk to her and there are other meetings if i need - will just have to travel. some of the stories were quite tragic - im nowhere near the level that some poor souls had got to but i also recognise that i cant stop drinking on my own, felt a bit odd saying "im Vicar and im an alcoholic" and i couldnt quite manage that without saying how weird it sounded......i cant quite bring myself to think of myself as an alcoholic....but there we go - i was honest and honest about what i was drinking each day, i was honest about why i wanted to stop. ive also joined the brave babes threads here. ive enlisted DDs help who has been incredibly civil to me about it all....(she worries about the amount i was drinking - she spoke to my dsis and told her she worries and wanted to shock me into realising what i was doing....she is 17 ) so that was a wake up call.

walking into a room full of strangers didnt daunt me, im a bit odd like that, anyway ive got a starter pack so going to go to bed in a min and read through it. i feel committed and ok at present - am taking one day at a time and the mantra is "today i am not drinking" - one day at a time. felt quite inspired that if some of the people there had cracked it then so can i....they were much further down the destructive alcoholic road than me....thouogh not kidding myself that i wouldnt have got to where they got eventually.

i will be going again, and have enquired about the meditation retreat tonight too (talking of hippy! i may end up wafting about in a kaftan yet....!) booking opened for the meditation weekend.

i need to make some big changes. im hoping this will be the start, and hope without a wine fuzzed brain things may be clearer.

thanks nana....
love to everyone else on the thread....will be back.
x

Well done something! That's such an achievement :) I have many tye dye items, kaftans all manner of flowery items.....never did me any harm ;)

I've decided to pro-actively try and loose the two dresses I've gone up, I used to cycle and walk everywhere, but it might be a while before I'm up to that because of all the muscle pain...so I've decided to start by counting calories and doing everyday things like cutting the lawn, gradually building up to things that I feel more able (even just getting on a bus is hard work at the minute....). Did anyone else find they really had to slow down- but somehow keep going?

I've set myself of a target of taking my bike out next week- pherhaps with a friend as i'm really under-confident- I make small goals, because anything else is just too much. Cutting the lawn is a job and a bit though, so that's bound to help with the weight loss. I've always done it my own, without a second thought, but now it's....I don't know...a sense of achievement maybe?