"Summer is Coming, the Village is warm and safe - support for depression, anxiety and other MH issues"

[LollipopViolet]

New thread, everyone :) First attempt at a thread title for us.

I've just posted on the old one, am really struggling today. Was feeling numb, still do, to be honest. Need to get myself through today.

Oh so many of us struggling......pulledapart I just think you have such a lot to deal with - mental and physical illness and you post without a hint of "moaning" about your situation. Your different mental illnesses sound like they are quite severe. I don't know what conversion/disassociation illnesses are, so will have to google. You must have an enormous amount of courage to cope with it all. I salute you!

Snowy crap that they sent transport that was no good for you - you would think they could manage to get that right wouldn't you. Did you find the comments pulledapart made about day hospital service helpful at all.

Silvery I can't help thinking you are trying too hard to "get better" and are frustrated that it isn't happening quickly enough. Mental illness has so many twists and turns that it is difficult for us sufferers to understand it (well that's what I find anyway) Why do I wake up sometimes thinking I'm ok and have a coffee and read the paper and plan my day and then as soon as I'm in the shower I know I'm not ok at all - it's another crap day. God only knows! Sorry that just popped into my mind. I know you are anxious about clearing stuff out for the house move and are sort of emotionally paralysed about it (sorry if I haven't got that right....) moving house is a huge thing, so it's small wonder you have what you call "anxiety-freeze" - anxiety is fear isn't it, fear of the future, and it just isn't the right time for you to have to deal with a house move. Is there any way it can be postponed until you are feeling more stable? The meds are probably slowing you down too.

Katkins yes well done on your 1st class honours - what was your degree? So sorry to hear the ex has popped up and is wanting mediation. Hopefully your social worker can contact the mediation service to explain your situation. As you say you are a good mother and he has not been part of LO's life for ......... how long? Presumably he is a stranger to her and the last thing she needs now is any pressure put on her to have to start seeing her father again. Hopefully now you are getting good support and meds you will start to improve.

CIQ glad you are feeling so much better but please stay around though I know you have a wrist injury so typing is difficult. I know you mentioned something about the sale of some of your paintings but I can't recall the details (I'm tired) and if I go back to look I will lose this post.

MP glad you are "holding your own" so to speak!

Well I've had an ok day and managed to get to my son's birthday do - it was really nice as we were able to sit in the garden all evening (a rare treat in this country) I have an appointment with a psychiatrist tomorrow (not the one I usually see but a different one) but I know he's very nice as I remember seeing him on the ward when I was an IP and all his patients spoke well of him. Nonetheless I'm stressed about the appointment. I've had some truly awful days over the past 2 weeks which have really scared me, so hoping the increased dose of Sertraline will help - it can't make me any worse, that's for sure.

Sorry if I've forgotten anyone......oh Lem how could I forget you. Hope you're ok (ish) it's been a long haul for you hasn't it, as I think you came on the thread more or less the same time as me after Vicar started it.

Hello all, sorry to those who are feeling so awful. I have dropped off the thread a little, have had a lot on my plate. Just wanted to let those of you who remember me know that I graduated with honours on Monday! I have spent most days since then crying with exhaustion and relief, but I have done it. Does anyone else react like that to good news?

I am doing much better lately- I have found an amazing psychologist through the university who is talking me through some of my traumatic memories and who also doesn't mind having long chats about psychiatry and women's rights. It is really helping, although it is very challenging. She has been telling me off gently about not acknowledging how shit things have been. I tend to just be all 'oh, it's fine'. But it seems to have opened a floodgate and now I can't stop crying. So I suppose that's a sort of progress.

hi guys, its me, (v i c a r ) but im wearing a wig and dark glasses.....i will have to NC again soon as something pretty awful has happened, and long story short - ive been stalked on here and outed, so i need to drop any references in my future names to the clergy or smiths songs....i just wanted to say i will still be here, but under a new name.

im glad the threads are still here - i had asked for any i started to be deleted but then realised that it would mean the first 7 of these support threads would have gone....

hq are being very helpful and are going to just change my name on all past threads and posts, then i iwill nc again and disappear.

its been a hell of a week here. actually, hell for about 3 months. im still on the sertraline and cant imagine coming off it any time soon. in fact i think i would lamp any gp that even suggested it.

My insomnia buddy

Tough going here, thinking of all of you

Hi somethingv that sounds awful! Glad to hear hq are helping though. You did a really good thing starting these threads hope things calm down for you soon.

glabella congratulations that's great news! And excellent to hear you've a good support person at uni. I can well imagine how you're feeling now - I think the exhaustion and relief catches up with you, so go easy on yourself. Delighted for you.

nana good to hear you made it to ds birthday, hope you have a helpful meeting with psych today. Thanks re: comments. My elbow is improving but need to minimise laptop time! Yes I have sold one of the paintings I did at college, also sold a print of it. And a friend has commissioned me for an oil painting so I can't quite believe it really but its going very well!

Hi pulled, lem, victrix, snowy, dd, lollipop, pyrrh, silvery, katkins, mp, collar and everyone else.

Off to make myself do some yoga....

Just had feedback from my commission client re: initial sketch "you've nailed it" !!!

Morning all,

Well the lovely thunder & lightening had me up most of the night so am a bit more crabbier than usual today! DD is poorly with temperature so will be off nursery today also. She is already being very clingy :(

Nana thank you for the kind words. I don't even know what my diagnosis means to be honest I haven't bothered looking into it as it will just make me more worse than I am. Not sure about being courageous but I do take each day as it comes. The thought of planning or thinking about tomorrow just doesn't feature in my thinking process anymore. With DD my physical ability can be a massive barrier at times but I try not to dwell on it & continue reminding myself I'm doing the best I can. I do get days where I think I can't be bothered with it all especially when I can barely move but I stick it out for DD's sake. hope your psych appointment goes well today

vicar so sorry to hear of the troubles u have been having. That's horrible that someone would stalk you this thread is an amazing place for all kind of support so very well done for starting them :) wish you the very best for the future

((( victrix ))) ur cat is lovely :) and hello to glabella and very well done for your graduation

Hi ciq that is brilliant very very very well done :) things can only go upwards from this point. Be very proud of yourself!

Hi all, I need a real hand hold today.

I had an awful day yesterday, I would of stayed in bed all day long - but it was too hot a place to be!

I have my welfare meeting this afternoon at work with my 2 managers and someone is coming from our OH dept, to discuss my health, and my absences due to my anxiety and stress. I have been told it's routine with employees who have had bouts of long term sick, and there is nothing to be concerned about.

But I have actually spent last night and this morning writing my letter of resignation and will hand it in today.

I am ready to leave now of my own accord :) and I think, well I know it's the only solution to me as it is the work situation that has caused my mental illness.

So I am off to work now with no turning back....

CIQ - well done you!! :) I hope some of your positive turn around May rub off on me!

Victrix - aww your insomnia buddy is a cutey :)

< hand holding collar > best of luck with your meeting.

Gosh I'm exhausted in my brain already even though DD has been an absolute angel & has not had any tantrums at all despite being so poorly. I just want my bed I think I'll take DD to bed with me & just rest (it must be the lack of sleep). She can watch her cartoons & I can mums-net.

Holding out hand to collar.
I stopped work 2 yrs ago - was one factor in many leading to my breakdown. Two years on.... well I can't quite believe it. Take care of yourself.

pulled rest is a good plan.

I hope your psych appointment goes well, NN

Congratulations Glabella

((( Something ))) I'm sorry all of that has happened.

Well done on your sales, CIQ

Sorry DD is ill, pulledapart I hope she feels better soon.

I hope your meeting was helpful, collar

Thinking of you all.

Well done CIQ and Glabella. Collar, hope you are OK. I had a similar work meeting today- I had to step down from my co-ordinator role (freelance- it was more I'll jump before I'm pushed...) and I got rejected for my MA funding. I might look at taking out a career development loan, but I think a year out might not be a bad idea. I deffered my PhD to 2015 anyway (I think...best check my applications...). Lots of my friends are all celebrating, I've not been able to celebrate or anything (all sitting in the sun, nights out, cocktails etc, new jobs). I've lost my job, my post-grad study, my Daughter, all to a stupid illness I didn't want and didn't ask for. The side effects of the medication makes me feel ill too- diapazem made me feel sick and gave me a tummy upset :( I took it to get through the meeting- I was even questioned on what I put on social media (after I'd said I'd give up). The voice was talking to me today, and I saw him standing on top of a building. It was the first time I have thought really seriously about ending my life. No job, no future, I've put on loads of weight, drugs make me ill and no Daughter. Plus, most people think I'm mad because I hear voices. No money to go out anywhere unless I use my overdraft, house is a tip and I'm trying my very, very best to keep things going. Sometimes, I just can't be bothered anymore.

I got my last job in part because they actively wanted service users to apply. Fine while I was working for Mind, but when I was TUPEd to a different organisation, the stress and lack of managment led only to disciplinary meetins, and some occupational health. At the last meeting, I handed a sick note in (had been off a few times with stress) and never went back. I remained employed for some months, and thus could save a bit of my contractual sick pay before transferring to ESA and finally leaving the job.

Yesterday I felt so woozy on the sodium valporate (I think that's what it probably was), that I didn't go out as planned, and this am rang my CPN to ask her to speak to my psych. Then today wasn't nearly as bad - I managed to get on with some ordinary housework, instead of thinking I had to do stuff like sorting and cleaning out of use rooms. And I've done a well-chosen shop - I was down to barely nothing, though not starving, and I've got some nice salady stuff and cheese and olives.

Was hoping to join Lovely Man in Ireland in August, but having looked as possible travel options earlier in the week, felt too confused. I need to stay here and stabilise myself.

Seem to be self-journalling, but it's prompted by the thread - collar, katkins and NN in particular.

Do you work now, Silvery? I know it sounds bad, but I've only just got my undergrad (at 27!) and I feel like I'm wasting my life....

I like the little self-journals. I blog, but on here it's as though seeing some-one else's internal thoughts resonate with my own....

(((katkins))) you are having a seriously tough time at the moment. I know its impossible to imagine, but it won't always be like this. Hang in there.

silvery that sounds like a good shop really hope you can get stabilised soon.

elbow playing up again this eve hovering and supermarket trip did me no favours.

Just on the bus home from work now and indeed I did resign today. If I may say already I feel happier to know I will not have to be at work for too much longer. It took a long time to reach this stage, I have been there for years. So many have told me to resign over the past year. But am glad I could reach that conclusion on my own.

Pulled and CIQ - thanks so much for the hand holds :) I had an opportunity to check my phone in a short break before my meeting. It was such a comfort I can't tell you.

KatKins, Snowy and Silvery - thanks for thinking of me, when you are all having such a tough time yourself at the moment.

That's the thing with this thread - the unquestionable support. I wish I had you all here to live with me!

I cannot type anymore on this small phone on mine my fingers have had it!

(((Hugs))) for you all :)

Hi collar I'm glad you feel better for it. A hard thing to do, but sounds like the right decision for you.

How's everyone else doing this evening?

Apparently we had amazing thunderstorms here last night but I slept through them! Was boiling today but I am not complaining - give me sun anyday.

i feel dreadful.
i have no where to turn. does anyone remember me from the early days of these threads?

im am having a very low ebb. i feel alienated from everything and everyone. even, dare i say it, here, which is entirely my own fault because i left these threads a while ago - i was doing better.

i have no right to moan.
but im sat here in tears and i feel so completely helpless. the world is so unfair.
im so alone, ds needs me but im so tired and so alone in it all. i was on hols last week, ds came too, he has AS and was going trhough something terrible at work. He chewed my ear off every day, i just wanted 7 days off, out of 365, and he couldnt give me that.
he lost his job 2 days after we came home.

his employers wanted rid of him because we had raised a disability discrinination issue, so they accessed all my posts on here, all of them, over 7 years, in special needs, here, everything. they got my log in details from his computer because he linked his home pc to his work pc so he could use either.
just to get one over on me because i pointed out to them that they could not act as they were doing legally.
i feel utterly violated.
i feel despairing right now, ds has no job, no money to pay his rent, and i want to murder someone.
im seeking legal advice.
but im desperately tired, lonely and alone.

Hello Glabella I remember you well and have often wondered how things were going for you. I think you were working in an A & E Dept at some point, maybe as a clinical placement? Congratulations on your graduation. I'm not at all knowledgeable about medical training, other than it takes for ever........would this be your MedSchool/Uni degree, or are you more advanced than that. Also very glad you have found a way forward to help with your mental health difficulties - I remember that you were in a very dark place. You might be interested to know we have a consultant psychiatrist on this thread nickname MentalPsychiatrist (I don't approve of the word "mental" as I think it is a derogatory term) but I know mp doesn't mean it like that.

Congratulations CIQ too for your success with your commission client - sounds like you're on your way.......

Collardove well done for making your decision. Will you be looking for another job or can you afford not to work for a while. Sorry can't remember if you have kids - do you have a son at Uni and a teenage daughter. Sorry if I'm mixing you up with someone else, which is quite possible!

Silvery staying at home this summer sounds a good plan as you need time to heal and travel can be stressful. I have a son, dil and 2 grandchildren in Ireland and we go over every 6 weeks but much as I want to see them, it causes me enormous anxiety every time, in case I have a bout of bad days when I'm there. Having said that I'm more often than not ok when I get there.

Oh Katkins you sound in a bit of a muddle. I didn't realise you were working as well as coping with mental illness so maybe it's a good thing that you resigned, as you have quite enough to cope with just now. Have you got your ESA sorted out yet as it's quite important to get these forms in, otherwise you could lose money. Are the Home Team still coming in, and do you have another apt with the psychiatrist lined up.

Well I woke this morning in a haze of anxiety (hate appointments with psychiatrists) and 2 x 2mg diazepam did little to help. After my CPN had assured me how nice this conslt psych was and I remember patients on the ward speaking well of him, I thought he would have a gentle voice and manner, but no he didn't at all. I got tearful and he asked "how long have you been tearful" - my DP who came with me said "about the last 5 days" which was absolute crap because it's been more like the past 5 years - anyway he began writing and said that I shouldn't be on 3 different ADs. The reason for this is because I am on Sertraline and Mertazapine but am reducing the imipramine more gradually than initially agreed. He kept repeating this and I felt like he was accusing me......I told him that the reason I was reducing imipramine more slowly was because I had had bad withdrawal symptoms (diagnosed by the usual psych who I see) to which he replied that imipramine reduction shouldn't cause withdrawal symptoms, but he did add "everyone is different" .......... quite profound that! I really didn't like him at all. He asked me which AD I wanted to be on and I said I didn't know and I got a bit upset. I said my CPN had said the usual psych (Dr M) was going to increase Sertraline to 150 mg, and he said" do you want to do that or go back on imipramine." I really felt totally confused by this time. In the end he said it sounded like I wanted the increase Sertraline! It made it sound like it was some recreational drug that I was taking to get high.........so he wrote the prescription for 150mg Sertraline. He seemed to want to get me in and out as quickly as possible, so I felt very let down. DP thought he seemed ok and thought my impression of him was coloured by my mood, which could well be the case.

Last time I had seen Dr M I had told him about some family problems and he started asking me about them. I told him that it was all written in the file and I didn't want to go through it all again. It's nothing that personal (eldest son and dil splitting up after 24years) and I'm fairly certain this is what has caused the nose dive this year. He then said "Oh yes it's all in the letter Dr M wrote to your GP."

Obviously I know that he has to write to my GP but it started me thinking that it didn't seem right that I did not have a copy of the letter. I know that it is now possible to have access to our medical records and am going to look into this (my file seemed quite thick) and request that in future I receive a copy of any letters about me sent to the GP (or anyone else for that matter) MP do you think this is a reasonable request? Would value your comments on this issue.

Ah well time for bed. Night all.

something firstly big big ((( hugs ))). I'm sorry I wasn't around for the earlier threads so can't comment on that part of it but what you said above sounds absolutely horrifying! I'm no expert but I really think the company your DS worked for has definitely broken private & confidentiality laws to obtain the information re your posts on here. Please do seek legal advice re this matter as it sounds very unethical to me. I would imagine if this happened to me I would have lost the plot as they say so be very proud of yourself for standing up to them & seeking advice thus far.

For me DD has finally fallen asleep after being very tantrumus for the past few hours, don't blame her she's very poorly. I on the other hand now can't seem to shut down :(

collar well done for seeing the resignation through. It absolutely sounds like the right thing for u to do :)

Hi ciq how r u this evening? Probably in bed by now :)

Hugs to all esp katkins silvery snowy & NN

I was the one whi began these threads. I was v I c a r. now even this as a support network has been taken from me because my posts are being monitored. I am at a very low ebb just now.

and no one can relate to me. ive been away too long. the irony is that the very threads I started now make me feel more alone than ever, because im out of it.
entirely my own doing, I know.

Oh something :( I'm sorry I don't know what to say to comfort you right now aside from < hand hold >

Something

I'm still here. I hope I'm still a friendly face. PM me if you want/need too. I'm just going to bed but my sleep pattern is erratic so I will reply later or in the morning.

huge unmumsnetty hugs.