"Summer is Coming, the Village is warm and safe - support for depression, anxiety and other MH issues"

[LollipopViolet]

New thread, everyone :) First attempt at a thread title for us.

I've just posted on the old one, am really struggling today. Was feeling numb, still do, to be honest. Need to get myself through today.

hi everyone.

enormouse - i slept loads when first on sertraline and it was the all day sleeping that really made me think i needed to get help. Even now, my bed is my safe haven, and ive found myself in bed much more recently. I think its the bodies way of resting the mind....

i have decided there are lots of things i can do to help myself. I need to quit the booze, so im going to be brave and stick my head around the door of an AA meeting this week. I am also booking a weekend learn to meditate retreat - just waiting for the booking to open.

That sounds very positive something. I saw your other thread and have to add my response of what utter bastards to the chorus.
You sound like one strong, brave lady and your son is lucky to have you.

enormouse you ask what has happened to you - you are ill, that's what's happened. Mental illness is so much more difficult than physical illness I think because people just don't understand it and there is still a big stigma attached to it. Also there is no plaster cast, no hacking cough or other symptoms associated with accidents and physical illnesses. On bad days I feel flat, empty, unmotivated, lifeless (as you say) and these are common symptoms, as are negative thoughts and the feeling that you will never get better.

You will get better but it will take time......and you have to be patient as it's a slow recovery and it has "ups and downs" along the way, which just adds to the frustration.

I've never had PND but I suffer from intermittent depression and anxiety (am a grandmother by the way) and it's largely due to my age that I haven't made a full recovery. But you are young and 4 out of 5 people make a complete recovery from depression in 4 - 6 months. Of course it makes it so much more difficult because you have a young baby to care for, which in itself is exhausting (I still remember!) but glad you have a supportive DP and DPILs. And yes, take all the help you can and try not to feel guilty that you can't care for your baby as you would like. For some reason mental illness can make us feel guilty and even ashamed, whereas this isn't the case with physical illness. Just something else to confuse us all the more............ that .there will be brighter days ahead - you just have a hill to climb and sometimes you slip off the path a bit, but you will get there.

Hi Something good to hear you sound more positive. I agree about beds being a haven, mine certainly is and on bad days the pain is not as great somehow when I am under the duvet (or sheet in these hot days) I'm glad you're doing something about the booze - I know I used to gently chide you about this before, but so brave of you to go to an AA meeting. There is also Aquarius which I hear have good results. And a meditation retreat - I would love to learn to meditate but I know it takes a lot of practice. Let us know how you get on.

Had a good day today, and not before time!

Hope everyone else is ok (ish?)

Hi everyone - im really sorry i havent been able to keep up with all the messages but Ive had a very busy time at work and home.

Just wanting to send to everyone. Hope this is a better week for all xx

thank you nana....the retreat isnt until end of sept - ive not booked yet as need to get time off work and booking isnt open yet but im very committed to doing this.

the booze is another story altogether - ive joned the brave babes battle bus threads and am reading a blog of a woman who has given up the booze for similar reasons.

i know i need to kick the booze.
but its so hard. i actually look forward to opening the wine each day.....i give myself excuses. all shite. but true - sort of.

i need to find another way to cope and something else to do. dd is being a gem, and is being lovely. she knows i have a problem. well - lots of problems.

im back to work tomorrow - sort of dreading it but only cos ive been off for nearly a month....ill be fine when i get back.

ivie only got a couple of shifts then im off again.

Hi Something- I think that's great that you want to kick the booze, like Nana said, there are lots of organisations that can help.

Enourmouse, I had PND (well, depression) when my DD was little- I went to a group for Mums with the same sort of thing, do you think there might be anything like that near you?

I'm having a horrible day, no energy, pain everywhere and can't lift my arms up. Just feeling really low- about all of the stuff I haven't done in the house, the amount of weight that I've put on (I'm just really massively fat and ugly...I used to be slim, people used to like me, talk to me, now they won't bother because I'm just a fat mess, the fact that I'm unemployed and massively overdrawn....the fact that some-one else is my DD's Mother. She even called her 'Mummy' yesterday once when we visited, without thinking, because that's how she sees it now...)

Maybe all of the girls at University were right. Maybe I don't deserve to be normal, or my degree, maybe I' not ill at all. Every part of my body hurts and I can't fucking stand it anymore. I'm just labelled as some mad woman , trying to get attention, get more meds, a lazy person who can't even do a basket of ironing and cut the grass.

Home treatment are discharging me to the clinic. They say they can't work on diagnosis yet and I think, are seeing this as a one off thing. I don't think they know how much pain I'm in.

I just feel fat, lazy and absolutely useless. And I'm not even a mother anymore: I may as well say goodbye to my DD now, because she'll end up in foster care probbably. Calling some-one else Mummy.

And my whole body hurts. Somedays, I can barely move. I don't even know what happened to me, or how I got here. Honestly, I feel like I'm absolutely not worthy a place in the world. Rent and council tax a huge mess, living off benefits, no money to do anything or go anywhere. My DD is better off with the other family she is with now. I'm going to ask them to keep her. I don't deserve her.

Good luck with kicking the booze and returning to work, something. You can do it!

Oh (((( katkins )))) Have they said what support you'll get from the clinic? I think it's positive that they feel you can be managed in the community, try to hang on to that. You are not fat, lazy or useless, you are unwell. Your DD loves you, and this will pass. I know how horrible it is when you're unwell, the negative thoughts on top of everything else.

They said visits to see nurse every three weeks or so, the care where I live is not great. I live in a huge city with lots of outpatient, and it really does depend where you get, a real lottery. I will only be transferred when I have an outpatient appointment, so that might be a while. I've asked them to sort my meds before the transfer, though, remember the fuss it was all last time. I keep thinking of ways to kill myself. How can the whole body hurt so, much. Surely the physical pain isn't normal? I'm in absolute agony,can barely move my arms. Have taken a dose of diapazem am hour or so ago, and just lying down. I can't believe depression or pyschosis would be this painful.

Have you told them you're feeling suicidal? (if you are)

Yeah, but they know I won't act on it. I told them I fantasize about it, but what keeps me going is my Daughter. The thought of seeing her again, having her back properly. How's the day hospital going?

I'm glad to hear that you wont act on it, though it's horrid enough to have the thoughts.

I have the assessment for day hospital tomorrow. Saw CPN today and will at the end of the week. Things aren't going well

:( What's up? Do you think that the day hospital will be useful for you, snowy, or just make you feel like you are taking a step back? I recall you said that- but having something to do might make you feel a bit more positive?

I don't feel well - idon't even know if im illanymore, ijust think im weak. I had a meltdown on the beach with the dogs earlier, phoned DP but dont really know what i was saying. All for really trivial stuff - first world problems.

I don't think im evergoing to get better, thats why i don'tthink im ill.

Fuck

Had enough

I really don't want to go, it's too intrusive at the moment, and the voices say it's just another way for them to get at me. I couldn't tell CPN that though. I'll see how the assessment goes.

Oh LEM (((( LEM ))))

I know this may sound trite, but is there anything you can distract yourself with? (even MNet).

What support are you getting at the moment, or are you just taking meds?

((Lem)) can you phone your CPN ? I feel the same way sometimes, and I've only been ill for a couple of months (well, maybe a bit longer...)

I don't have a CPN katkins - thankfully i just struggle with anxiety mostly. I was in a state because its DD's birthday on wednesday and hadn't managed to sort anything out. It would appear that God is looking out for me because DP has just managed to book harry potter world for thursday. It was full until september and he was looking at website and it popped up asavailable - how good is that??

I feel like a fruad really :(

Thats good about Harry Potter world :) Has that made you feel a bit more re-assured? Do you take meds for anxiety and/or depression?

Snowy, my voices say stuff like that as well. Tell me not to listen to the Doctor (he was a bit of a muppet, anyway, he had no idea what he was doing, junior Doc doing assesment consulting half asleep nurse with him..I digress...) If I feel sick because of my meds, one of my voices makes heaving sounds or throws up. She's quite funny; was telling me her name and stuff the other day.

Do try and tell them what the voices say, though, I know it's hard...

I've been thinking about everything that I've experienced lately, and the closest that I could get to even describing it is something like a 'breakdown' ; I'm not sure that's a technical term anymore. I didn't go into a total non functional state, though (well, maybe for a few days)....I'm not sure that's quite right, but it might explain the pyschotic symptoms- especially the hallucinations, which have nearly all gone (actually gone, I think), but replaced by lots of other odd beliefs/ voices (they have always been there) and physcially painful depression.

Has anyone else experienced anything like that, I think I might be at the point of trying to understand things now or just in quite a lot of depression, I'm not sure. I'm in pain- I know that much.

Citalopram and diazepam katkins. Im too stoned on diazepam to feel anything much just now ; (

:( Diapazem calms me down, but it makes me feel ill (and gives me an upset tummy) so I'm thinking of changing it, or asking to. I've spent most of the day feeling tearful and in agony and wondering how I'm going to fix all of the debt and everything I'm in - and ever get DD back. I just want everything to go back before all of this even happened.

So my mother finally done it. Had a massive strop because ive been helping my friend. I had a panic attack on the beach and was screaming at dp on the phone. That was this morning. He has been vile to me ever since. Now he says he wants to finish with me. She called me round there and like an idiot I went rrunning.all she wanted was to scream at me for helping my friend. Shes got cancer ffs. Her family weren't here. They are now. Dp hates me. Dd I tears because he kept yhreatening to walk out.

I cant do this I can't what am I going to do ive lost everything. I love my dp so much but ive lost him thanks to this illness and my mother.

lem.....you have to stop dancing to your mothers tune....you wont get better until you find a way to do this because she is so controlling and i really feel its feeding your anxiety/depression..
there is really nothing wrong in you helping your friend. thats what friends do. its other skewed views on this that are making you feel bad for doing it.

lem - i know this is hard and i truly do speak from experience - i have had no contact with my mother for 14 years....it was hard but i cant tell you what a difference it makes not having someone constantly pouring cold water on everything you do, every choice you make.....

i really think you need to take a break from her.
i had a lightbulb moment 14 years ago....she was so bad for me, she was that liittle voice in my head saying i couldnt do it....i wasnt good enough....YOU??? dont be stupid....what are YOU going to do? YOU cant do....XYZ.
only when i got rid of her did i find that i COULD do XYZ.

you need to take some power back from those who are being your puppeteers....
YOU can do what ever the bloody hell you like because you are an adult, with free will.....you can CHOOSE!!
its not up to others. its up to you darling. not them. not your mother. you are a mother yourself now - you dont have to do as your told! forget about not having had anything planned for DDs birthday - its sorted now. she wont know. she wont een care.
please - you need to stop dancing to everyones tune but your own.

kat....im so sorry you are in such real pain - i think you need to tell your GP.....have you had tests for everything? chronic fatigue syndrome? nerve pain? muscle problems? fybromyalgia? (sp)!
your pain is real - it doesnt matter the cause - it needs sorting. Can anyone attend the gp with you? it sounds like they arent looking into the causes much and have written it all off as mental health issue......you may well have mh issues but that doesnt rule out physical problems too.

you might need to be a squeaky wheel.....

love to all on the thread tonight.....

Thanks something. I know you are right. The sad thing is. I think dp does it too. Every time this happens he says he wants to leave. I beg him to stay. Promise I wont have any more meltdowns and he tells me its ok he still loves me. I don't know that he does actually

Something, that sounds an awful situation to be in. I hope the return to work went ok.

lem hugs. How close do you live to your mother? I solved the problem by moving to a different country! Which brings its own set of problems....but means that I only have to deal with them a couple of (intense) weeks a year. It's actually a better solution all round. If you don't feel that you can go no contact like something suggested (and she clearly knows your situation better than me) could you give yourself a specified time to deal with her e.g. one afternoon a week/fortnight and the rest of the time ignore calls etc?

Good luck with the assessment snowy.

enormouse that's great that your DS slept so long! And your logic is screwed, because if your milk wasn't good enough he would have been awake screaming for some more! You are doing brilliantly. How old is he now? (Sorry, can't scroll back) and at some point they do sleep a bit longer through the night...even if it's only for a week or so before they are up to their old tricks!

I hope today iS a bit easier for your katkins

Hope the rest of you are ok nn, collar, ciq, pulled? I really shouldn't try to list because I'm sure to have forgotten several...

I'm exhausted. One last push today to get the old place cleared (my old tumbler drier has never been so clean! Pity I don't get to use it again.) and tidy enough for it to be painted. Then the cellar to empty sometime this week and DH can take the rest to the dump at the weekend. Then we are officially moved. Just all the unpacking to do. Which, clearly I am doing now...not messing around on my newly connected internet!

Lem- I dont talk to my Mother (I went nc years ago), best thing I ever did. Everytime that my Dad mentions her (it's long and very complex), I press the 'ignore' button in my head. Best thing I ever did.

Something- I did think CF at first, but I think it's all tied into the same thing. I managed to get out today, to get my hearing aids fixed (I'm partly deaf), had to go to a drop-in clinic because I'd broken one by accident last night. I was so scared of going out and really, really panicky, but made it. I think it was because I really do need them to hear! It was quite a way away, too. I'm meant to be going out tonight, but have just looked into the mirror and thought how could anyone even look at me? I'm so fat and ashamed of myself, how I look and what I am. All of the stupid things I say and do. I'm just a massive waste of space, and I have no idea what to do about all of my debts that are ust piling and piling up. I hardly have the money to go out anyway- but I'm booked to do something- so if I don't, I won't get any other bookings. I really, really do things that horrible girl at University was right. Well, lots of them. I'm just a complete fucking waste of time, a stuck up bitch. With nothing going for me at all. An over-opininiated, judgemental cow. How can I even walk down the street and let people look at me? And I have just sent the last of my money (massively overdrawn) to my friend for DD as it was her child benedit. So, now no money to pay off my loan. Gosh, I just want to be normal again.

My plan was to put the colour back on my hair (had it cut the other day), then have a bath and go out. Won't take long as it's a twenty minute walk away, so I can leave at 6.30, but still....I don't know if I can face any of it....

Hi all. The assessment was depressing, focusing on what's happening (discovered I was referred for suicidality, voices and not taking meds...it's not me with suicidal thoughts, it's the voices telling me to do things that are a problem). They also wanted to know what level of risk I was to self (moderate) and others (none). Wish I'd thought to ask them what they thought I'm going to start on Friday.

Well done for making it out to get your hearing aids fixed, Katkins...can you think of evidence to challenge your negative thoughts? hugs...