Sat in my car crying and no one to talk to.

[Messupmum]

Just seen GP but I couldn't talk to her, she gave me a months worth of meds and I was in there 5mins.
My therapy that I waited a year for has been cancelled until further notice.
I rang the cmht but no one was there who could speak to me.
Friends and family make things worse or don't know what to do.
I want to ring hv or day hospital but I'm not under their care anymore.
I'm sat near a busy road and all I want to do is run out into it.
I'm broken and can't be fixed.

Good morning MM - sorry I was out yesterday and so have just got back to MN.

How are you this morning? Is your dd with you?

Touching base again to see if you are around this evening MM.

Thinking of you.

Sorry I'm here, just don't know what to say. Everything's a mess. I've reached out too many times this week..

Is it half term there? Has that made it more difficult? Or is it next week, and if so is there anything you can do to make it easier? Arrange time with family and friends? Look for actitvities to do?

Sounds difficult this time. Have you asked for more help or seen anyone since you saw your Cpn? Did you ask again for day hospital?

Why is everything a mess right now? Although things sound hard and you are struggling it sounds like you have got through each day safely? Has anything helped? Have you managed to do any nice things?

I wrote things down for the cpn saying I'd got more pills, have thoughts every day, and feel a burden and scared about everything. I said if I had the money I'd admit myself into a hospital to be able to get through it this time. I've spoken to her twice since then, today I said I felt really strange, like nothing's real. She said it might be the increase in meds and to keep an eye on it. She knows I've got dd this wkend so said to try to enjoy time together.

I was trying to carry on, make dinner etc, but I was panicking and crying. No one is hearing me. I thought I'd try the GP before surgery ended. I don't know her that well, she rang and wasn't particularly useful. She didn't know I'd been to out of hours this week and they contacted her.

I asked about crisis team, and was told to go to OOHs or just to try to get through the weekend, make plans etc.

I keep looking at dd and feeling completely empty. I keep thinking of family, but think they would understand if they knew how I felt.

I want this wkend to be ok, but I feel like every minute is torture. I keep imagining the headlines, of all the people I've tried to reach out to. All the different meds I've been on. And all the times I've been left on my own to manage these urges, and to try to make sense of it all. But nothing makes sense anymore. I'm running out of options.

I'm not sure about day hospital, I find that's the worse place to get heard, or to even keep safe. I don't know anymore

If you find the day hospital isn't useful you probably would not find an admission useful - I think that is why they are keen for you to stay at home.

Can you plan some nice relaxing things to with DD, maybe a film night with some popcorn, or you could do some baking?

I do not think the day hospital is designed as a place to be heard. It is a place where you can be safe and it may help, being out of the house and some gentle activities there to pass the time and help distract? The day hospital is usually offered when people need more than a weekly visit with Cpn and crisis type services do not tend to be working ( eg having contact but it not preventing deliberate self harm etc). It is used as the next step up. If you use it it may help. If it does not help you can discuss that with your Cpn? Worth a try perhaps. Maybe if you do not expect the tea/sympathy or therapy approach but see it as a place to go, with gentle activities that help when brains are struggling. To not expect too much, but to help you a bit?

I find day hospital makes me feel safer but only for four hours of the day! I've got plans with dd. So there we go, I'm fine, I can live with these thoughts, and crying uncontrollably is good for dd and myself. It doesn't matter that I'm so detached from reality I can't concentrate on driving, watching tv, making a simple dinner. Struggling to remember if I've eaten or cleaned my teeth today. To have SH'd more this week than in the past six months, to have taken od's then gone out and bought more. To have embarrassed myself by ringing hcp's numerous times, or crying to them and sounding so pathetic. It's ok, I'll go to the park tomorrow, them it'll all be fine.

Sorry

I don't know where all that came from

It is good you contacted all those people. They would have risked assessed you and deemed you safe to be home with your dd, which although you do not feel it is encouraging.

You say if you had the money you would pay for private hospital to get through it. It may be private hospital does provide the support. However, most NHS admissions are to shared wards, with a room with a tv, no named contact that talks to you. Limited access to outside space. No therapy. See in fact NHS workers less than in the community, one short dr's visit a week. Medicines handed out by lining up in a queue. A place of work, next of kin and other parents of children plus social care are routinely contacted for further support when discharged. Put on regular observations which in reality mean a health care assistant ticks name off a list at set time. It is indeed a place of safety. But it is not a place of therapy. There are places of therapy - for people with personality disorders they often call them therapeutic community - with group therapy, household duties shared out, group rules, activities etc. people stay for months. Have to be stable to be offered a place. Not usually if actively self harming etc or od'ing as affects the group. You can request such a treatment and if family cannot have your dd whilst in such a place then services can provide such a placement for her. But it is hard work, apparently.

So what type of hospital do you mean? Ask specifically of your Cpn what you need. It is good the day hospital helps for 4 hours a day when there. Is that not a good start?

You say you cannot focus on tv; that is ok - it was explained to me that just having it on in the background is a real help. Forget the science.

Definitely worth monitoring your meds and how they affect you.

Out of hours is good place to go for help over weekend and so is a and e. perhaps taking your dc with you will make a bigger impact. At the same time being able to go to the park, the cinema, whatever may be enough to get through the weekend. I hope so.

What family support do you have? If you are struggling is there any family member you and your dc could stay with for a few days? To be looked after if that is what you want? ( I say that knowing I have no family myself but some people do). And Samaritans can be a great place to text, email and offload. Just keep trying if you can.

I'm having therapy, so I don't expect to get that from anywhere else. When I'm feeling that there's only one way out of this, I feel so messed up in my head, I just want a place of safety. Where I don't have to talk, but people know how to deal with it.

I am sorry you found my suggestion insulting, I was trying to think of things that could help you get through the weekend I didn't mean to patronise you.

I know you are having an incredibly hard time and I think your CMHT need to pull their socks up to support you.

I suppose my advice would be to take it ten minutes at a time and try to get through the day in small manageable chunks. Def contact our of hours if you need more support.

If you want a place of safety can you contact a family or friend and ask to stay there this weekend?

My rant wasn't aimed at anyone, I guess I keep getting told the same things and it's so hard. I'm sorry I came across like that, I just feel embarrassed now.

I'm at a park with friends, the suns shining but I hate myself as I feel like crying and I want to ask someone who can take better care of dd tonight. I don't deserve any of this anymore.

Why not turn what you wrote into a positive? You are out at a park with your dd. You are with friends. It is sunny. Yes you have negative thoughts about yourself. But you are looking after your dd. You are both getting some fresh air and exercise.

I do not see you ranting at anyone - I see you frustrated and desperate for things to improve. Rant as much as you like here. Anything that helps!!

Would it help if you could post the positives of your day? Like I did. It does not take away from how you are feeling. But it shows that despite feelings (which is why you have a cpn/therapy) you are holding things together for your dd.

What plans do you have this afternoon or tonight? Does your dd like certain tv programs or films you can watch together before bed - would that be good for you both?

When I really struggled it helped me for my then cpn to help me work out that yes I feel bad, yes not everything I do is great but a lot of what I managed is ok or good enough or even brilliant!! And I learnt to leave my thoughts and feelings in the room with him sometimes (I was good at switching off, being numb which is in itself another issue, but hey it was a useful strategy at times!!). And the cpn told me that although I had bad thoughts and feelings I did not act on them and was responsible with other people etc etc. Sometimes I just needed someone to point out the positives that I could not see through the treacle I felt I was wading through!

Right - off to tackle my mountain of cleaning I have been avoiding (wishing I could go to the park right now, now you have tempted me to avoid my cleaning again )

Wise words from Lara there. Hope that they help you.

Sweetheart you want someone to come along and take care of you, don't you? You want to feel safe, and for someone else to burden the pain for a while, to cook for you, to look after dd for you, to look after you. That is such an understandable feeling and I am so sorry that no-one is there who can make you feel safe in that way.

However, there are other people here who know how you feel, who have been there, and who can offer a virtual hand to hold until the despair and the fear clear and you can see your way forward for more than an hour at a time. Until then, it is a case of taking small steps. Don't look ahead any further than you have too. One hour at a time, one step at a time.

Thinking of you.

I keep reading your replies, thinking how you all talk a lot of sense. But as soon as I go to reply, my mind goes blank and I don't know how to respond. So sorry, I'm not ignoring any advice or questions, it's just my brain not letting me focus on anything (this is taking me ages to type and I keep forgetting what I've just put)

I'm having to take it slowly, I did an easy tea for dd, didn't bath her, she played and I tidied up a bit to try to make time go quicker.

I feel fuzzy headed and panicky. The only way I can describe how I'm feeling, is when something really horrible is going to happen, and you're just waiting with fear and knots in your stomach, but you know it'll be over soon. The only thing with depression and suicidal thoughts, is you don't know when it's going to stop.

I don't feel I can last the weekend, but I have to. If I can get to Monday when I'll be alone, then it's reassuring to know I can then make all this go away.

I am sorry if I made you feel bad with my post, sometimes I don't think before I post

I think Lara made a good point about accepting the feelings and letting them wash over you. Sometimes I allow myself a set time to have some shitty thoughts and then at least I am not fighting myself. I know how hard it is when everything seems overwhelming.

You did well to get out and about with DD.

And please contact services this weekend if you need to, even if it is to tell them you think you are a high risk on Monday.

Take care x

Agree wise words from Lara there. And also hear that you cannot immediately take things in. Why not get a notebook (or copy and paste electronically!) the helpful comments to take in when your brain can process it.

Getting through the weekend is all you need to do right now. And you know you can post here, contact Samaritans, go to out of hours or contact family or go to A+E (a 4hr wait can do wonders!!) if you find any of that helpful.

I can't even cope with getting myself and dd ready in the morning without getting grumpy and irritated. I crammed a massive load of washing in, now it's all over the floor as I've no energy to hang it up. Had all week to sort out uniform and it's not done. Trying to stop the words 'I can't do this' going over and over in my head. But it's how I feel so can't help it. Find it reassuring to read about women who have ended it, especially mums, as it helps to know it can end.

I think many children and parents are grumpy and stressed in the mornings, I think that is normal!! Definitely the parents I know.

You have all day to sort out the uniform. Just hang up the uniform and clothes your dd needs?

I set the oven timer when there are jobs I have to do but lack motivation. Just set it for 10 mins and say I will do anything in those 10mins but after that can do nothing. Why not try that?

Why not tell your cpn you cannot cope with dd in the mornings, that cannot manage her clothes etc right now. They may be able to get you extra support in the house to do those things if you give specific problems and then they can find the practical solutions?

Who would have your dd if you not around MM? If so can you ask those people or person to help more now with care for your dd? If you had more practical help in the house it may help. Do you have a relative who you can phone up and ask to come and help you sort out dd and her uniform now?