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Sat in my car crying and no one to talk to.

180 replies

Messupmum · 29/01/2014 16:30

Just seen GP but I couldn't talk to her, she gave me a months worth of meds and I was in there 5mins.
My therapy that I waited a year for has been cancelled until further notice.
I rang the cmht but no one was there who could speak to me.
Friends and family make things worse or don't know what to do.
I want to ring hv or day hospital but I'm not under their care anymore.
I'm sat near a busy road and all I want to do is run out into it.
I'm broken and can't be fixed.

OP posts:
larahusky · 18/02/2014 00:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Messupmum · 18/02/2014 09:25

Feel like everything's expected to be back to normal today. Life goes on I suppose. Outwardly I look fine, inside I feel like a shaking nervous wreck. My hearts racing as I'm anxious about seeing my cpn. She's going to ask me things I don't know the answers to. I'm regretting not taking more and regret ringing 111 now, and making a nuisance of myself with the crisis team.

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SilverStars · 18/02/2014 10:13

You were out under the crisis team and they were there for you to call. So be honest about how much you took, why and your use of crisis team. Can you ask for your medication to be an injection, some can be done that way but not all, so no need for tablets. Or a 3 day prescription so you do not have any spare?

Messupmum · 18/02/2014 16:37

I've realised I'm on my own with this. No one can do anything, there's no point being truthful. At the end of the day no one can be with me 24 hours a day, so if I'm struggling, it's my problem, they must think I'm in control of my thoughts and urges. There isn't really help out there for suicidal people with pd's, who aren't bipolar or schizophrenic, who live alone. It's my fault and I'm obviously not trying hard enough.

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fluffydressinggown · 18/02/2014 17:05

It shines through that you are trying your hardest to recover. You deserve and need support to help you get through this, can you contact your CPN again tomorrow?

You are right in saying that only you can rescue you, but you can only do that with the right support and you are just not getting the right support. I am not sure why because to me, your issues scream that you need extra help at the moment.

Would you consider picking up your prescription more frequently so you don't have lots of tablets in the house?

Messupmum · 18/02/2014 17:36

I can't contact her again, I saw her today. I'm too ashamed, I hate being so needy, I'm a grown woman ffs. I'm a mum! I wish I could start all over again. I'm not good enough emotionally to be a mum. My cpn said even though I had contact over the wkend, I still went ahead and did it. That's what I was telling them! I knew I was going to, I was still scared and asking for help. I guess if you're asking for it, it's hard for them to take you seriously? Or for anybody to understand why I want to harm myself in the first place. I don't even know why. I wish I could want to live instead of dying, but right now I'm having trouble telling myself that.

Sad
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Messupmum · 18/02/2014 17:38

That rant is aimed at myself fluffy not you btw. And I'm getting my meds weekly again, but I didn't od on them. I'm actually them properly, god knows why!

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Messupmum · 18/02/2014 17:58

Also just thought of something else, the cpn said there isn't a crisis team anymore? That's why I struggled to get through to them at the weekend. I was having 'step up care' which is 9-5 at wkends. I don't get it, it all changed last week apparently. So I still have no eve support, and she took me off the 'extra support board' today, so she told me.

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SilverStars · 18/02/2014 23:51

Gosh, sounds confusing. Sorry to hear that.

Messupmum · 19/02/2014 07:42

Feeling really ill, physically and mentally. Kept waking up, kept getting too hot and clammy, then cold. I went to the walk in centre last night, as I'd hurt my arm, it's just bruised, and I wasn't in a good place. I was crying so much but I can't explain why I was. The doctor I spoke to emailed my GP so maybe I'll hear from them today. I hate to admit I'm falling apart. I'm taking my meds, it's a high dose too, so why am I being so useless?

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fluffydressinggown · 19/02/2014 10:47

You are not useless, you are unwell.

Take care x

Messupmum · 19/02/2014 13:46

I don't know what to do to distract myself. I've had a bath, had a cup of tea and toast, found that hard to do. Feel so rough. I can't keep calling the cmht can I? I feel I'm struggling constantly but it will stop won't it?

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Messupmum · 19/02/2014 13:47

I'm reaching out for help, but maybe I don't need it?

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SilverStars · 19/02/2014 14:52

Maybe you need to be out back under the crisis team?

SilverStars · 19/02/2014 14:55

Your pm maybe took you off the board because she has taken over your care for the week? But does not mean cannot go back under the step up care they call it? That will give you contact any day of the week including weekends. Would the day hospital be worth considering again as give you supervision and place of safety in the week?

longtallsally2 · 19/02/2014 15:14

MM, I have just found this thread and didn't want to read and run.

You mentioned above that you would consider contacting Mind, whose strapline is "We are here to make sure that no-one ever has to face a mental health problem alone", and they provide advocates to speak for you if you need someone on their side.

If you feel up to it, you can contact them on their email: [email protected]

Their info pages says:
Our team provides information on a range of topics including:
•types of mental health problem
•where to get help
•medication and alternative treatments
•advocacy.

We will look for details of help and support in your own area.

Contact us
0300 123 3393

Do hope that is of use to you. Thinking of you.

Messupmum · 19/02/2014 17:57

Thanks, I've got the forms for mind but just haven't got the energy to sort it out right now. I left a message for the cpn but she didn't call back. I think she's fed up with me. I don't want to think about having to get through tonight alone.

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NoStalker · 19/02/2014 18:12

Oh OP it sounds like you're in such a horrible place right now! I wish I had something helpful to say, or some great advice, but since I don't - just a hand to hold.

If you can't get through the night otherwise, go back to a&e - hopefully without taking od. I know a lot of them there aren't great with MH problems, but at least you won't hurt yourself while you're there - and they should try to get some kind of crisis help for you.

longtallsally2 · 19/02/2014 18:20

Hand holding here too. Yy to A & e if you need them. It's what they are there for.

Remember that the Samaritans are there to listen so that you don't have to be alone at any time 08457 90 90 90

In the morning do give Mind a ring. You could email them tonight too to ask if there is any extra support in your area. A close friend of mine had huge help from this organisation who were able to provide an understanding ear and practical support too.

Thinking of you

Messupmum · 19/02/2014 18:23

I've got a chest infection I think, I wish it was something worse. I tried cmht out of hours, why do I keep doing it? I'm just embarrassing myself. This week I've been in a&e and walk in centre and still have no 24hour support.

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SilverStars · 19/02/2014 20:13

Hi. Can you get yourself to a dr to get treatment for the chest infection. If you are physically ill then that can make it harder mentally.

Your Cpn may not have been in the office or got the message. But most CMHT's have duty workers which is where they take it in turns to field calls from people needing help when their own Cpn is busy with patients. So can you phone up and ask the duty worker to talk to you.

You were offered the day hospital which is daytime support and a place of safety. Can you ask for that and or crisis team/step up care. That will give you 9-5 support.

Longer term can you ask your Cpn of they use the second named worker at your CMHT - which is when you have a second named worker to contact if your Cpn seeing patients/ill/on training/holiday. Or ask about use of duy worker. You could ask about having a support worker provided to give you more support, but that would involve an assessment by adult social care to get funding in place. But may really help you to access more.

If you feel you need someone with you after 5pm do you have any family or friends you can stay with?

There are some residential places for longer term treatment. Called therapeutic communities where people live 24/7 for about 6 months. Hard to get funding for on NHS and will mean not able to have your dd with you. But worth an ask if you think it would help. However, people have to be stable ( no od/self harm usually and not under crisis) before they are accepted onto them. They can be some distance from where you live and involve a long waiting lait for places. They are not psych hospitals but a programme where people learn skills such as taking responsibility etc according to my friend who went on one. She said it was hard having limited contact with family and having to take responsibility for thing there, such as cleaning rota and living alongside others. Also if she hurt herself she had to organise her own taxi to and a and e etc as that is how those places work. You can ask for an assessment for such a place if you think it would help.

SilverStars · 19/02/2014 20:14

Hi sorry for long post!! Keep going to out of hours and a and e as a place of safety at night if you do not have friends or family to stay with fit now.

Messupmum · 19/02/2014 20:51

This is some of the stuff going on in my head:
Everyone is fed up of me, everyone
If I ring cpn tomorrow and I say I need more support, I'm scared what will happen
If I keep hurting myself, reaching out, or going to out of hours, they might involve ss
I'm scared cmht will discharge me if I'm not improving
Maybe I need someone else to talk to them for me

I am feeling more and more vulnerable and scared and pathetic and useless!

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SilverStars · 19/02/2014 22:33

People are not fed up of you. You may not get a response due to busyness from professionals. Sometimes people cannot respond in the way one wants, for lots of reasons. That is why having a team of people: a Cpn, a gp, a support worker, family, friends, a job etc can all work together.

You know there is more support available. Step up care and or day hospital have been suggested. Why not try one of them again?

Regarding hurting yourself, that depends. Many people use self harm - not ideal, but as a coping mechanism. But many people do not need to go to the dr's with it. Some do. Yes you are right if you keep presenting with self harm then SS will be notified. Because they will see you reaching out for help if presenting regularly with sh and asking for more help and SS is one of places funding is available. it is not a threat but a source of support. What they do is up to them. But they do not notify them if go for help, and use the correct channels, which is asking your Cpn or gp for step up care or using the day hospital as a place of safety. If you feel you need care after 5 pm can your Cpn involve your family for support? Or ask for assessment for care after 5 pm if you cannot keep safe.

Is it worth asking for a review of your meds as they do not seem to help too much in times of distress - there are some useful other ones out there.

As an aside. Sometime when struggling it can be easy to be trapped in this MH world and helpful to breathe and focus on something else. Such as things we use to distract. I know that is not easy. But is there something you can do for you? Join a club? Go to a class to learn a new skill, lots on in daytime when dd in school and many free. Be a volunteer so focus on something else if not work? Anything to look at life outside of MH terms. Just an idea and obviously not when in crisis and unable to manage.

Messupmum · 20/02/2014 11:54

I kind of feel like giving up. I'm lying here crying, I should be doing things! Shopping, cleaning, going for a walk. But something won't let me. I know where I want to go.

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