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Original poster

Sat in my car crying and no one to talk to.

180 replies

Messupmum · 29/01/2014 16:30

Just seen GP but I couldn't talk to her, she gave me a months worth of meds and I was in there 5mins.
My therapy that I waited a year for has been cancelled until further notice.
I rang the cmht but no one was there who could speak to me.
Friends and family make things worse or don't know what to do.
I want to ring hv or day hospital but I'm not under their care anymore.
I'm sat near a busy road and all I want to do is run out into it.
I'm broken and can't be fixed.

OP posts:
Original poster
Messupmum · 01/02/2014 08:07

I couldn't get to sleep last night then when I did, I had the most vivid dream about taking an od, and all the conversations with people, the emotions, everything. Feel strange about it, I know it was a dream but it was upsetting, but very triggering. I can't get the thought of an od out of my mind now.

I don't drink a lot, but when I'm very low, I use alchohol to, I don't know really, I guess I know it allows me to give in to those urges more easily. Not good I know.

I eat ok, not great, and I get out most days mainly for dd. Really tired ready so today might be long.

I have felt a lot worse in the last few years, but have had depression for as long as I can remember. I was an insomniac and had anxiety as a child, SH'd and took an od as a teen, but didn't get professional help until after dd.

OP posts:
Pinkandwhite · 01/02/2014 14:46

Hello,

How are you feeling now?

Dreams can be very upsetting when they're that vivid but just remember they're not real. They're just a way for your mind to vent.

Paxtecum's suggestions about yoga and meditation are excellent ones. Are they something you might be able to do? Relax Kids do lovely CDs/downloads that you could listen to with your dd: www.relaxkids.com/store/

Obviously I'm not suggesting that this will make everything better but it might take the edge off. Xx

Original poster
Messupmum · 01/02/2014 16:29

I can't stop thinking about that dream, and I feel strangely calm as I feel like I know it's just going to happen at some point.

Trouble is, this isn't a short term thing with me, it seems to go on forever and it's hell. Maybe I haven't helped myself enough but I don't know what else to do. I've tried lots though.

Feeling very trapped this wkend though as I have to try to keep safe, and I'm finding it very hard. Kept busy today but it hasn't helped a lot. If I was under the crisis team I may call them now, but I'm not so I can't.

OP posts:
JuliaScurr · 01/02/2014 16:34

www.samaritans.org/

JuliaScurr · 01/02/2014 16:34

www.samaritans.org/

Original poster
Messupmum · 01/02/2014 16:35

They can't stop me thinking like this though can they? I'm losing it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Messupmum · 01/02/2014 17:10

Sorry that sounded really ungrateful. I might email them later.

OP posts:
Queenofknickers · 01/02/2014 17:19

Hello my love, I'm sorry you are going through this - I am a fellow sufferer. Even though you aren't under the crisis team could you call them anyway - you need and deserve some care. Do you feel you could go to A&E? Someone needs to be caring for you and treating you xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Original poster
Messupmum · 01/02/2014 17:26

No one takes me seriously as I feel like this quite a lot. Sometimes the thoughts are there, but I'm able to ignore them a bit, can distract myself and think about others being sad, but then this happens. I can't make myself think rationally, it's all I can think about until it drives me mad, so telling myself to just do it calms me down mentally. But when I can't for practical reasons it's horrible!

I'm at home with dd, and can't drag her around with me. She knows nothing's wrong today. Not long until her bedtime then I've got the evening alone with these thoughts. Not many people understand so at least on here people do, I hope.

OP posts:
Queenofknickers · 01/02/2014 18:01

We do understand on here xxx its so hard to have those thoughts taking over your head so much - have they got your meds right? I'm worried you're not getting the right care x

SilverStars · 01/02/2014 19:14

Hi, to get help at weekends easiest way is to call 111 and ask them to do a home visit due to having a child at home. Or a minor injuries unit usually has nurses there and quieter than an A and E. Either an out of hours gp or A and E dr can refer you to crisis team and perhaps prescribe some prn medication until the weekend. Would either be helpful?

JuliaScurr · 01/02/2014 19:54

I've had absolutely devastating anxiety/depression, it's unspeakable.Now I have MS which has put me in a wheelchair. This is much easier. Much.
I had many thoughts like yours. Felt much better once the meds kicked in. Hang in there. It will get better.

SilverStars · 01/02/2014 21:44

How are you this evening M? Have you been able to distract with some tv? Maybe watched something with your dd? Hope whatever you been able to do has been ok.

Original poster
Messupmum · 01/02/2014 21:52

Struggling to stay awake which is probably a good thing at the moment. Think the meds are making me very tired. Sorry, will post tomorrow. Thanks though, night. Hoping for better dreams tonight.

OP posts:
SilverStars · 01/02/2014 22:01

Hope the sleep helps and you wake up more refreshed.

If you struggle tomorrow may be best to go to out of hours or A And E in the day rather than leave it til night as easier to get buses if you use them etc, and makes the day easier as know you have sought extra medication or so on.

Sleep well. I am off to bed too after a treat of a bubble bath with a junky magazine to read whilst in it!

Original poster
Messupmum · 02/02/2014 21:23

Still here, still 'fine', but still feel the same. Started looking stuff up and thinking about things, feel scared and confused but don't feel I have another option. The tiny part of me that's scared and confused will try to phone someone tomorrow, I will try to push away the majority of my thoughts that are saying don't say anything, just go ahead, they'll stop you. I don't know if I'll be taken seriously though, I was told to take daily walks last week. I know I wasn't as low, but I was still quite bad, and I was told to do that. I did, and will continue to, but it doesn't change my head!

OP posts:
SilverStars · 02/02/2014 21:52

Remember you can text, email or ring the Samaritans as well if it helps you tonight before you phone someone tomorrow. Also may be worth booking a gp appointment to review medication?

Original poster
Messupmum · 02/02/2014 21:57

Meant to say meds have been reviewed quite recently, been on new ones a few weeks. I'm trying hard to think about other things, but my thoughts keep going back to the what I keep contemplating. Too tired to write anything down tonight, but it helps me get across to hcp's how I'm feeling, so might do it tomorrow.

OP posts:
SilverStars · 02/02/2014 22:00

Good you have a plan to contact relevant hcp's tomorrow. Hope it goes well. I agree writing things down can help. Hope you get good sleep tonight.

Know it is frustrating to be told things like take a walk, but I guess they are trying to help you - exercise raises good hormone levels, gives you a plan to get up and out each day and something to focus on etc. small steps towards recovery I guess.

Original poster
Messupmum · 02/02/2014 22:09

I don't mind being told to do these things, I don't mind trying and I hate letting hcp's done if they're trying to help, it's more annoying when it doesn't seem to help much, and I feel I've done something wrong by letting them down.

OP posts:
PeterParkerSays · 03/02/2014 10:08

Messupmum, what exercise do you get. Could you go for a walk this morning, or swimming whilst your DD is at school, and see if that helps your endorphine levels?

SilverStars · 03/02/2014 18:54

How did it go today phoning up the HCP'S? Hope things were bit easier for you today .

Original poster
Messupmum · 03/02/2014 19:56

I didn't speak to anyone, I know I'm rubbish Blush I just don't know what to say, and I don't know what their reactions going to be. I'm a bit scared tbh, as I don't know this cpn so I don't know how she'll react. She might dismiss it all, and I'm worried I won't cope with that.

Because I'm coping on the outside I don't think anyone will believe me. Also if I have this 'plan' in my head, I kind of don't want anyone stopping me. If any of that makes sense..

OP posts:
Original poster
Messupmum · 03/02/2014 20:42

God I can't think about anything else! I feel like I'm losing my mind. I won't do anything when dd is here, I don't want to mess her up forever, but it's like something has taken over my head! I keep thinking such negative things, finding it very hard to think turn anything into a positive.

If someone said to me I could be admitted tonight, I think I would agree. I'm scared. I know hospital is horrible, scary and might not help me, but it can't be worse than what I'm going through now Sad

OP posts:
SilverStars · 03/02/2014 22:13

Is this a new Cpn? Do you know how long you will have her or is the plan to be discharged in a month like before? Could you describe how weekends are for you, when you struggle and how you struggle with your thoughts? If you can describe what it is like for them it may explain more for them? You do not have to talk about plans but about the usual struggles you have?