Sat in my car crying and no one to talk to.

[Messupmum]

Just seen GP but I couldn't talk to her, she gave me a months worth of meds and I was in there 5mins.
My therapy that I waited a year for has been cancelled until further notice.
I rang the cmht but no one was there who could speak to me.
Friends and family make things worse or don't know what to do.
I want to ring hv or day hospital but I'm not under their care anymore.
I'm sat near a busy road and all I want to do is run out into it.
I'm broken and can't be fixed.

Hi I have no words of wisdom but wanted to let you know I am awake too and thinking of you.
You write out your feelings really well, use that skill to write out what's going on in your head and give it to your support worker. It might be easier than talking.
I am great at putting a face on and hiding things. It is very hard when you want people just to see through but do every thing you can to stop them.
I am nervous of offering advice but have found mindfulness and meditation very useful
Sending cwtches xx

Hi, what I ws suggesting was you spoke to your Cpn about how to manage situations like this. So identify how much responsibility you take, what you should do on your own and at what stage the Cpn suggests you: phone this CMHT if open, get a dr's appointment, out of hours dh's apt or go to A and E. if you can tell the Cpn how it was this weekend ask what you could have done differently.

It is all about getting help before it is a crisis. So talk to CMHT on a Friday in the day rather than get to late on fri pm and not know what to do.

We cannot say what you should do when, only your Cpn or psychiatrist can guide. But I think you write very well your distress and thoughts so if you can ask for help in keeping safe when CMHT is closed then that is a step forward.

If you think you need to be under crisis team this week because seeing a Cpn once a week is not enough support right now then ask the Cpn to refer you for assessment. And if you feel you need more support than a Cpn tell the Cpn what you are struggling with and what type of extra support would make a difference. The more they know the more then can be proactive.

Sorry if I was unclear before. It is a mixture of doing everything we can ourselves, involving family/other friends who support ( even in a can you look after dd this afternoon it is too much type of support) and going to CMHT or out of hours or A nd E if that is not enough.

Hope tomorrow is useful.

Got cpn appt this afternoon, getting really anxious about. I don't know what I want to happen but I'm scared whatever happens. What if I'm being silly and I'm ok really, or what if I'm worse than I realise? Confused Want to just hide away under my duvet but I know that won't change anything.

Struggling so much. I know it's a cliche but I can't go on like this, I really can't.

How did it go with your Cpn? We're you able to be honest and let her know how hard your weekend was?

It's not just the weekend at the moment, it's constant. I was honest, she's seeing me again Friday and next week, and wants support for the wkend. But I've realised tonight, maybe I need support for now too. I'm finding it really hard, feel like I'm losing it and I don't know who I am. She's asking the psych about meds too.

Hi Messup - I am sorry you are finding things so hard at the moment. I know how difficult it can be to battle on. But whatever you may feel at the moment your DD and other family are better off with you here. I promise you that. If you are able to talk to the samaritans they can help.

Sending you lots of hugs... You will get better.

Another bad night, asked a friend to take dd to school. This is getting hard to deal with. I knew it was building up and I tried to stop it before it got this bad. Feel shaky and it's hard to eat, everything is tasteless and my mouth is so dry.

Tried calling crisis team last night but I'm not on their caseload. Wasn't sure if I was or not. Don't know if it's worth calling my cpn again today, but I feel like I'm pestering her.

Tell yr cpn you want referring to the crisis team tonight and following nights until you are feeling stronger, also ask the psychiatrist for something to help you sleep.
You are really struggling here x call cpn now x shes employed to support you x

I don't want to be a pain though, my minds gone blank and I don't know what to say. I can't just say I'm struggling but that's all I can say. I feel so emotionless.

Explain your needing support especially in the evevings express you really cant cope any longer and that you need urgent help and support explain how your feeling and that youv got constant thoughts of ending your life that your not sleeping and eating and you really need more help.
Ring her and talk to her today.
You have to talk to her.
Good luck. X

I rang her, I didn't have to say much. She's contacting the crisis team. Parf of me thinks there's no point in getting help and fighting it. I feel I'm not meant to be here. Keep snapping at dd, it's not fair on her.

Suddenly started crying and I can't stop, getting really panicky. Feel I've lost dd, I don't feel like a mum anymore or that I deserve help. I feel sick.

Can someone look after yr dd for a couple of days xxx
Ring back yr cpn see if she has managed to refer you to crisis team. Im here if you want to talk. X

how are you doing now? Are you getting the help you need?stick with us. X

How are you x let us know your all right x

Hi - if cpn seeing you twice this week and wants support for you this weekend then she is hearing you. Did the cpn put you on the crisis team's workload? Only a cpn or a Gp - yours or any at your practice or an out of hours one - can refer onto a crisis team. The easy way of knowing if you are on a crisis teams caseload is they have contact with you - or your cpn directly tells you. Often when under crisis team do not see usual cpn, as crisis team can offer daily support. When under crisis team you can phone them 24/7 and seven days a week. They can visit you 24/7 as well which is useful.

Glad you were honest and seeking help.

I didn't want to call again, getting paranoid thoughts about people thinking I'm annoying, or all talking about me and calling people behind my back. So I'm trying to avoid people, telling white lies to stop them worrying.

I've been honest with the hcp's though, and thought I'd have had a call from crisis team if they've had a referral. But not heard anything so I'll not bother them.

Feeling more emotional now, tbh I can't deal with any way I'm feeling. It's horrible feeling nothing, but horrible crying uncontrollably. I can't cope with anything.

The crisis team can take up to 12 hours to make contact, sometimes they can respond much sooner. Did the cpn say that she was referring you to crisis. If so you can phone crisis and just say your cpn was contacting them and ask what the situation is. They tend to change shift probably about now, so it may well be the night team that make contact.

Yeah the cpn said she was referring. She is listening and understanding me I think. It's just hard when I'm struggling lots and even getting through one day feels like an eternity. I'm scared of how low I feel, but still have that sense of calm which is unnerving. I don't know what I want.

Cpn rang this morning and wants me to go to day hospital for a week. I really don't want to, I don't find it helps at all. I'm seeing her tomorrow and I'm going to say I don't want to. I've been there recently for a few days, and I'm too ashamed to go again. The staff won't want me there again, they'll think I'm not helping myself.

Why don't you find the day hospital helpful, could you stay overnight at all.
You don't have to go to the day hospital if you don't want to but is there other kinds of support such as the crisis team input.

No overnight option. I was at the day hospital not that long ago and was discharged on a previously agreed date, with no one asking how I felt, I walked out of the building sobbing and feeling awful. I don't want to go through that again. I'm worried the staff will be fed up of me. I'll ask about just being under crisis team. But I'm panicking about everything now, feeling really agitated and on edge. I have to wait until I see my cpn tomorrow before I know what the plan is. I know what my plan is!

Hi - the day hospital is one option the mental health team have. It is a place of safety for you. It is more support than the crisis team, so maybe that is why it is being offered. It is not usually a place of therapy and staff refer back to normal services on the agreed date, and do not do long term therapy - so it is quite normal for them not to ask the sort of questions you might think they ask. It is the same on a psychiatric ward on the NHS, no one to one sessions, no talking therapy usually, no obvious support - it is about assessment, medication, a place of safety for many people.

But it is good it is being offered - it shows the cpn listened to you. You have the right to refuse it. Also can be tricky with jobs and childcare too, so you can use those arguments to say why it is not practical as well maybe?

When people need more support than a once a week visit by a cpn (which is all they can usually offer on a longer term basis) then the options are usually crisis team or day hospital if people are struggling to stay safe. It is not always ideal, but it can help people through difficult times.

If you would prefer the crisis team can you ask her when you will know you are under then so you can phone them? That would be helpful. Advantage of crisis team is they work weekends and nights, which day hospital do not do. So another positive asking for crisis team.

Not sure what's going on really, seem to be constantly confused. I've just seen cpn and she took me off the day hospital list, but I'm on the crisis team list believe that when I see it I handed over some spare meds, but said I'm still thinking about nooses and didn't say I has paracetamol with me.

She asked if I'm going to stay safe. I hate that question! I said I don't know, I think so, I'm fighting thoughts etc. just gave a rambly answer.

I got home, on my own, weathers crap, got booze, got pills, got it in my head I might do something this weekend, but I don't know if I can be honest. Or have I been honest but they're trusting me to stay safe? I don't know. And I can't cry.