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Sat in my car crying and no one to talk to.

180 replies

Messupmum · 29/01/2014 16:30

Just seen GP but I couldn't talk to her, she gave me a months worth of meds and I was in there 5mins.
My therapy that I waited a year for has been cancelled until further notice.
I rang the cmht but no one was there who could speak to me.
Friends and family make things worse or don't know what to do.
I want to ring hv or day hospital but I'm not under their care anymore.
I'm sat near a busy road and all I want to do is run out into it.
I'm broken and can't be fixed.

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SilverStars · 03/02/2014 22:15

Could you tell them how you sat in a car and cried and had no one to talk to? How it is worse when dd not there? That may be useful. I was told that leaving things until they reached crisis point was too late and I was usually too past it to help by then and the services wanted me to tell them earlier to prevent crisis and all that involves. Could you phone your Cpn tomorrow and get her to call you back?

Messupmum · 03/02/2014 22:40

I'll write stuff down tomorrow, will use this thread to help me. I'm seeing the cpn on wed. Tbh I don't know if she's a cpn or if she's taking on my care, but she a manager of the cmht so I should ask her. I didn't ask about cmht discharging me as I was scared of the answer, I didn't feel strong enough to cope with any discussion like that.

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Queenofknickers · 03/02/2014 23:39

Just popping in to offer a hand to hold. That's a great idea to use this thread to help your cpn understand.
I understand what you mean about a 'plan' - please find a way to close that door if you can - for example I told my dr about my plan meaning that insurance wouldn't pay out if I did it (my poorly thinking was I was more value dead than alive). I deliberately sabotaged my plan and actually it has been a relief knowing I can't do it. Remember - you deserve to be taken seriously and helped. Good luck tomorrow (and a big unmumsnet hug) xxxx

Messupmum · 04/02/2014 09:26

I feel tearful this morning, slept ok though, just horrible dreams again. I feel I have no purpose, I bring nothing to this world. I make everyone worry and unhappy. I should be a better mum, not one like this. I don't think dd sees me as a proper mum.

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JuliaScurr · 04/02/2014 15:44
Brew keep going it will get better
Pinkandwhite · 04/02/2014 16:47

Just offering another hand to hold. Like juliascurr says, keep going, it will get better. Xx

Messupmum · 06/02/2014 21:53

I can't believe how hard I'm finding it to keel safe. And how agitated I'm getting when I have no option but to keep safe for a few more days. I kind of wish I had a broken arm of something so that would distract me, and I'd be safe in hospital for a short while getting it fixed. I sound such a freak, but it's even crossed my mind about if I could make that happen. My cpn has taken some of my meds away, but she knows I can just go and buy pills.

If anyone I knew saw what I've posted here, they would not believe me at all. It doesn't help I've been struggling as a mum the last couple of days, failing badly.

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fluffydressinggown · 06/02/2014 22:15

Thinking of you x

SilverStars · 06/02/2014 23:37

Glad you were able to tell the Cpn how you were by what you wrote.

Sorry things are so hard right now .

Messupmum · 08/02/2014 21:14

I feel so strange, feel so flat. In a way it's worse than the crying. Nothing seems to matter anymore. I don't want to be here but I can't yet. These feelings are so intense, I can't cope with them.

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Messupmum · 08/02/2014 22:02

Hope it's ok but I need to get down what's in my head as I feel it's all too much.
I honestly think others will be better off, I'm not just saying it.
I've got a plan, albeit a vague one, but doable.
Go through different emotions, one minute feeling very detached, the next, that I'm so, so sad for dd.
The thought of not being here is so much more appealing than living.
I was driving too fast, but not worried about a fine as I won't have to deal with it.
Any money I have left can pay towards dd getting help of she needs it but she's young enough to be ok with other loving family.
I'm absolutely terrified but feel calm?!
I've told white lies, so no one knows when I'm going to be alone.

Sorry, can't believe I'm posting this here instead of talking in rl, but I'm being a coward-it's easier this way.

Btw, I'm safe tonight I think just fighting it. Feel odd though, things are a bit surreal.

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Messupmum · 09/02/2014 00:18

Want help but don't want to ask for it. I'm so shit!

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SilverStars · 09/02/2014 10:33

Hi.
Did you tell the Cpn this week how you struggle so much more at weekends? Or at present? We're you able to describe the emotions and feelings and how it leads you to plan for things? About not worrying about driving? About being prepared to leave your dd? Tell them you plan to leave your money for dd to get help about being left by her mother. Or literally print out that post and hand it over.

If you can put it as bluntly as I have above they may hear what you are saying. Can you phone up the lady tomorrow and tell her what your weekend has been like? If they know exactly what you are thinking then they can talk with you about appropriate help and so on.

Have you found out why your therapy is not on at present? ( mine was once postponed for few months due to staff shortages/illnesses). Is this making you feel worse? Can you tell them the thought of having no Cpn or therapy is making you this way?

As you have a car why not take yourself to an out of hours gp service today? Some centres have a walk in service where you sit down and wait your turn. Or go to a and e and ask to be assessed for crisis team, which the out of hours gp can do as well.

silvermirror · 09/02/2014 12:12

U really need urgent attention and a mental health assessment straight away get someone to take care of your daughter today and go straight to A+E.

Messupmum · 09/02/2014 12:19

I'm still in bed, my hearts racing. Dd is back later. I don't want all this for her, I feel so torn. I just want her to be ok. I'm ok for the moment. Just going to keep safe in bed until I have to get up. I'm seeing the new cc on tues, who I saw last week. Therapy is cancelled due to illness/staff shortages. Not sure if that's affected me or not.

Sorry, I must come across a selfish cow!

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SilverStars · 09/02/2014 12:58

It is good you have the appointment on Tuesday. Have you been given a new CC? I know you were concerned about having no support. Sadly sometimes people do get ill and when they are better your therapy group will commence.

Is your new cc the manager? If so she will probably be in the office on Monday, so can you phone her on Monday at 9am to tell her about this weekend? Until you can tell your cc about what your thoughts and feelings are then you may not get the right help. It is important to be specific. If you cannot say it why not write it out using the posts here to tell them what your weekend is like.

When your dd comes back why not go to A+E if you cannot keep safe until Monday?

No you are not selfish. But you do need to seek help today if you cannot keep yourself safe. And if you are not sure then seeking that help today, out of hours gp for crisis team access or A+E is what matters. You can drive there before or after dd returns to you. You are in charge of getting better, so you can either distract safely today (staying in bed is great for that and nothing wrong with it, or watch some tv, or do something nice for you, or if you are struggling with that taking yourself to AE or out of hours.)

Messupmum · 09/02/2014 15:56

I've only just got up and had a shower. I don't know what I need to do. Starting to feel panicky about getting dd and being ok for her.

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AmyMumsnet · 09/02/2014 16:16

Hi messupmum, we;re so sorry to hear you're going through such a bad time.

Have you taken a look at our webguide?. You might find some helpful organisations there.

Messupmum · 09/02/2014 20:18

Thank you Amy sorry.

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Juneywoony · 09/02/2014 20:57

There's not much I can say to help you but I just wanted you to know I am thinking of you, x

Herecomesthesciencebint · 09/02/2014 21:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Messupmum · 09/02/2014 22:08

Thanks everyone for your support. I don't feel strong, I feel a failure for being like this for so long.

I don't know what more I can say to get more help. What if I'm beyond help and nothing more can be done?

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SilverStars · 09/02/2014 22:50

Hi. You are not beyond help.

It sounds like you need the opportuni to learn some strategies to help you, especially on difficult days. Would that help? Like tell the Cpn that weekends are hard, or particular times in a week for whatever reason. Tell them what happens, what you think and feel. It is not necessarily needing more or different support but in using what you have to help you manage how you are maybe. There is not always a magic wand, sadly. It could be Something like identifying difficult times, working out what you can do and what you need from others - eg. List of people you can call, family/friends/Samaritans etc before you then call out of hours gp or go to A and E for assessment or referral to crisis. As well as what self help activities you can do that helps.

Just jotting down some of the things I have learned to help me. I saw a very sharp, quite forthright Cpn for 8 sessions once ( not under a CMHT long term) who helped me realise what I could do, what I could not do and how to manage. It was not easy, admitting where I needed help, gp whether I needed outside agencies or if friends/family would step up etc. but it got me through a very tough time. And sometimes just knowing what to do was enough, I rarely needed to do it.

Being honest is often a start. And accepting at unless there is a wonder medication yet to be tried, that it can be trial and error and that it is a process, taken step by step. You are in charge, responsible but may need extra help at times.

Sorry. Feel free to totally ignore anything I write. It may be totally useless or irrelevant so please I am not offended, just ignore.

Hope tomorrow is an easier day for you with some nice distractions.

Messupmum · 09/02/2014 23:01

I won't ignore anything you say silver. You have been supportive for a long time. I'm tired and confused but trying to understand what you're saying.

I haven't even said everything here, as I don't want to panic/offend. But the responses I get panic me a bit. I suppose I feel like these thoughts are normal, or a release, and a way out?!

What are you saying now though, that I need to help myself, or get outside help now, and other times try different techniques? As soon as I posted that, I thought, there won't be other times. This is the last, I can't cope with more 'episodes' each time feeling worse.

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Messupmum · 10/02/2014 05:39

Can't sleep Sad

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