Sat in my car crying and no one to talk to.

[Messupmum]

Just seen GP but I couldn't talk to her, she gave me a months worth of meds and I was in there 5mins.
My therapy that I waited a year for has been cancelled until further notice.
I rang the cmht but no one was there who could speak to me.
Friends and family make things worse or don't know what to do.
I want to ring hv or day hospital but I'm not under their care anymore.
I'm sat near a busy road and all I want to do is run out into it.
I'm broken and can't be fixed.

Hi, I've just been reading your thread, I've been on another thread saying how great the Crisis team I had were and I hope that wasn't upsetting, I can understand how it must feel if you're not getting great support. I just wanted to say hopefully it will get a bit better, it does sound like the CPN is listening as she has taken you off the day hospital plan and into Crisis team... hopefully they will come round and see you soon.

Can you call the Crisis team and tell them what you've said here?

I've just found this thread......everything you are saying is so familiar to me, summer 2012 I was exactly where you are now. I had the tablets ready (I had lied & hoarded meds too) & letters written, writing a letter to DCs was horrendous but then the phone rang don't know why I answered it but it was my aunt she just let me cry & then listened to me properly she phoned me loads over the next weeks and months. I too was very good at the mask, so good that my usually fab GP didn't really take me seriously initially but when he did things got sorted a bit. The thing that helped me the most was a fab psychologist I saw as part of cmh, he did mindfulness-based cognitive therapy & it literally changed my life. I'm now doing a PGCE & coping with massive amounts of stress. So what I'm really trying to say is that you do have a future, some day you will look back on this, in fact you might not even remember it, I'm missing about 3 weeks of memories.
You are a fab mum because you are thinking of your daughter all the time. She won't be better off without you, she loves you
Thinking of you so much xxxxxxxx

I don't know why but I'm burning up, my hearts racing and I feel sick. I feel so hot but want to wrap myself up. I feel very alone and detached right now. I'm panicking that because I haven't cried and appear calm, they think I'm pretending. But part of me is scared and wants to ring someone. How do you actually say I think I am going to do something silly?! It sounds selfish and attention seeking. I want to be free of this dark place.

It's actually just hit me, I'm suicidal, the proffessionals know that, and I'm here on my own with these thoughts. I'm trying to ignore them, but I've tried before and ended up in a&e. It's hard to get across I'm trying, but it's hard to control the urges and think rationally.

Keep living. I know how you feel, I identify with all you say. In Jan this year spent time in go so for overdose, just feel no one takes me seriously. I tell them the thoughts are there but they do nothing.

How was your night? Hope you got some sleep, thinking of you xxxxx

I didn't sleep well, again! Just looking around at all the mess thinking I need to tidy up a bit. Finding the being on edge all of the time hard to cope with, it's like I'm waiting for something bad to happen but I don't know what.

hi - just checking in to see how you are going? Have you tried phoning the samaritans, just so you can talk? I too am good at hiding how I feel, even though I have battled depression for a long time and often felt suicidal. You can always come on here and tell people how you feel. We do care.

What might help is using your head, not your heart. However you feel, your DD is better with you here. It doesn't matter that you are sad, or that you might not be some perfect stepford mother (they don't exist by the way). Your DD loves you and needs you. The rest of your family and friends love you and want you to be here.

You cannot help the way you feel. But you can recognise that the depression is playing tricks on you, laying traps for you.

Something else I learnt, after years of counselling, is that depression is really a physical response. It is like the connections in brain don't work in certain circumstances. And it might help to find ways to change your physical activity - to kind of reset those faulty wires. For me a walk in the countryside helps. Or achieving something small, like cleaning the sink! It gives me a sense of satisfaction. Other people use knitting. Some running.

I don't know if any of this helps, but I hope it does.

Got a bad feeling about tonight, I've not got the feeling I want to keep safe. I can ring crisis I suppose, but I don't feel very safe

please do ring them. Remember, your feelings are leading you astray.

it is the job of the crisis team to keep you safe.

Please call them. I am very worried for you.

xx

I'm seeing a friend for a couple of hours for a drink. I shouldn't drink but I want to numb things for a bit.

good that you are seeing a friend. Can you share your feelings with them? Even just a little bit. It will take the edge off?

Is your DD staying elsewhere? Could you friend stay over with you for tonight?

A friend has just said something really horrible about people with mental health problems. I feel crap and uncomfortable now. I want to disappear

I just rang crisis team and said I'm planning to do something. The response was if I'm set on doing it then what can they do to help. My god I just want help, I was brutally honest and she just said to manage these urges and I'm seeing someone tomorrow. Am I expecting too much?!

They are seeing you today so can ou tell them what is triggering those thoughts, how you kept safe and what support from them you would like today, eg a phonecall tonight or visit on Monday.

IME crisis will not step in to rescue or save you, the focus is always on saving yourself. So when you ring them they will help support you in getting through a difficult time and not to stop you from hurting yourself. It feels really harsh though and I can empathise with that horrible feeling that only you can save yourself but you don't feel up to it.

I feel so sorry for you because you are stuck in crisis and not sure how to get out of it. You were at one point talking about being discharged from services, has this now been taken away as an option? (I hope so)

I know this is the million dollar question but what do you think would help you? It seems like you feel your support team are only helping superficially (like at the day hospital where you never get the same person twice) and that needs to change. Would you be able to bring that up with them?

What I found helpful was making sure the people around me knew that I didn't expect them to fix me or change me. I just needed someone to listen to me and validate how I was feeling. Once I made that clear things started to get easier.

I hope this isn't too harsh Messupmum

Not harsh Fluffy I get what you're saying, and I keep telling them I know there's not a lot they can do apart from listen and advise. But when you're given their numbers to call in a crisis, you kind of expect a bit of help there and then? Otherwise there's no point of the crisis team really. Anyway I ended up taking a small od.

I saw my lovely old cpn today as she was on wkend duty, she's so understanding and I'm sad she's not my cpn anymore. She drove me home, took extra meds, was reassuring and practical. I'll phone 111 if the urges are too bad again. But as she said, I was able to stop and get to bed last night so she focused on that, rather than telling me off about the od.

Guess it all depends on different hcp's. They're only human but a different response can make a big difference. I'm sure the lady last night is nice, but telling me no one can stop me when I'm sat with the pills in my hand didn't help at that time.

It's hard as I'm on my own and not thinking straight, whilst trying to make decisions. I don't know why I've got to this place, I don't know what I want. I actually hate ringing anyone, I get really nervous.

But when I'm starting to take the pills and I'm here on my own, wanting to be alone to be able to do so, but having small worries of what I'm doing to myself, and trying to think of family but feeling so painfully detached, what am I supposed to do then?

God I can't do this! My minds racing. Maybe I am relying too much on others, and on mn too. I feel so needy and pathetic. Urges are bad, I want to not be here, but not forever, just for a while. I don't want to end up in hospital with nurses looking at me with disgust and referring me to ss. But I can't do this and I want to scream and bang my head against a wall.

I spent last night in a&e. Was going to post but it was just horrible. I started to take od's sat and Sunday eve, but rang for help. The crisis team said I wasn't on the caseload so I rang 111. And the rest of the night was just waiting around, blood tests etc.

At 5am a doctor who was questioning me loads ( I felt like telling him to piss off, he knows nothing about me, and I wasn't in the right frame of mind to tell him everything about myself) said I can go home now! I didn't get a referral to crisis, was told to call my cpn. I did today but she was on duty so couldn't see me.

The nurse who took out the line, was concerned and asking if I was sure that was ok as I was crying so much I could talk. Because I'd been told to go home I didn't want to stay. I walked out into the dark on my own, crying, and got a taxi home. I slept for two hours, phoned the cpn who knew nothing. I'm seeing her tomorrow. But that was my weekend! I feel wired, dozed a bit today, started hallucinating a bit, but what's worrying me is stomach/chest pain, like heartburn. But if the bloods were ok, it should be ok.

God sorry that was long.