Citalopram day 11

[alicemac83]

Hi,
I've been on citalopram 10mg for 11 days. The first 5 we're hideous, I was so low I was almost suicidal- then the following 4 we're amazing- I felt like myself again. Only just as I started to relax I've had 2 days of feeling anxious, lacking motivation and being very irritable. I'm so disappointed as I really thought I had my life back. Over the weekend I had my dd on my own as dh was away so I think that made me tense. Should I increase my meds or hope this is just a blip? Xxx

I know what you mean :( Do you ever wonder what it was like to feel normal? It's all very confusing.

It's horrible. I have afternoons sometimes of feeling normal, and but I can't quite enjoy it as every time I remember the sitaution it gets me down.
I think my DH is struggling to be sympathetic now. I think because I'm better than I was at the start (really bad) he thinks I'm over it - but I'm so not. I'm sitting at work now feeling like I'm looking at everyone through a glass window - I just can't relate to anyone or really care about anything.

Do you feel normal towards DH Alice? Feeling "love" etc.?

Yes I do, but I really rely on him and get very clingy with him, which is why it upsets me when he doesn't seem very interested in talking. Normally he's amazing, which makes me worry I'm wearing him down.
For the first few weeks I didn't feel anything for my DD which made things so much worse as I missed feeling love for her. it's coming back slowly I think, but it's so hard!

I think that's it. I feel no normal love feelings for DC, and I have heard it's normal but it feels so strange. Hate myself sometimes.

God, I know exactly what you mean - it's horrible. I feel so bad, and angry that this has wiped out those feelings. But that's how I felt when I had PND, and once I recovered I felt like I loved her so much I could cry. I keep telling myself that this is only temporary and those feelings will come back. Don't hate yourself, you didn't ask for this illness or do anything to bring it on - it just happened to you, just like other people get other illnesses. The problem with this one is that we blame ourselves - but it's NOT our fault. x

I keep worrying it's not temporary! I am so glad to hear you say it comes back.

it really does! I worry all the time that it won't be temporary too. I've just spent half an hour at work looking on loads of forums and scaring myself silly. but I got better last time and I will, and you will too.
xx

Yes, of course we will. And we're doing all the right things x

I saw my counsellor this morning TrueWorrier and we talked about exactly this. In my case, my depression was triggered by my DH having an affair, so it has a clear source which will hopefully make it easier to move out of!

However, the counsellor explained to me that when you are depressed or anxious you can't be expected to feel any emotions normally because the system which "runs" the emotions is off kilter. She did say it affects everyone in different ways. She said when it's all sorted the emotions come back to normal. I hope that comforts you too. I keep getting reassurance because I worry that I am just a cold hearted person now. The same as you feel :(

I know exactly what you mean about forcing yourself. I sniff CDs hair and where it used to make me grin from ear to ear I feel nothing now. find myself going through the motions.

I hope the medication kicks in properly and it all goes back to normal. It makes you feel so guilty

I also had anxiety when I was younger and you guys have big hugs from me. Was the worst thing...would not wish it on my worst enemy. It does stop though if you get help xx

Hello

I'm on 20mg for depression, day 28 and calmer most of the time but also pretty apathetic. Getting up in the mornings is a big effort. On the good side, the suicidal / self harm urges are down .

It really does sound like we are all in the same boat. I'm the same with my dd, I forced myself to play with her this morning but my heart wasn't in it either. That's really comforting about what your counsellor said, and makes perfect sense. It's nice to know I'm not the only one xxx

It is nice! Makes sense as well - when we're over this illness our emotions will be back to normal.

Empress, after 28 days are you feeling any happiness? Or are you just on a level where you can get on with day to day life? X

Happiness sometimes yes. I cry less and I'm laughing more .

I have had a couple of meltdowns but they're over much quicker. And much as I'd like to stay in bed it's just not an option so I push myself through housework and puppycare and stuff during the day and usually catnap in the afternoon.

That's good- and it's good that the meltdowns are getting easier to deal with. I'm just looking forward to some sort of consistency. Every day is so different at the moment, I never know what to expect. And when I'm feeling good I can't trust that I'll stay that way so I'm on edge the whole time

TrueWorrier, I can tell you that I had crippling anxiety and when I dealt with the underlying issues it went away and never came back. I hope that helps a bit to give you some confidence that there is sunshine on the other side of this.

I suppose if you can't love yourself, you can't love others. Maybe that is what this is all about.

Please trust your feelings from when you were well. Don't trust the negative rubbish your mind is feeding you now.

I promise it will get better. Are you having counselling?

Trueworrier, I agree. The love is still there, it's just that the anxiety is masking it. Try not to analyse your feelings too much, that's what I did with my dd and it made me feel worse. Try and trust that you love him but at the moment you are ill. When you get better so will your feelings.

When I had pnd I was terrified of my dd. I felt like I just wanted to give her away. I never thought I'd love her- but I did.

Xxx

Is this the first time you've felt like this since pnd? It it for me. I wish I'd written a diary back then so I could remember how long it took to get better etc. x