There is no way out for me now.

[madeuplovesong44]

I've been around the mh block so to speak....bipolar, eating disorder, personality disorder, pnd, suicide attempts, sectioning, hospital stays months at a time, drugs, mother and baby unit, CBT, dbt, arrests, cognitive analytical therapy, sexual abuse, benzo addiction, ruined degree, ruined careers etc etc

I always thought I would get better but now all that can be done to help, has been done. I'm broken and damaged beyond repair. I'm so tired of this existence, I am a disgrace to my wonderful children. I dream of death and escape and that some angel will protect my babies. How has so much promise become such despair.

I have had really amazing replies from everyone. I don't feel like i would have got through this past week without coming here and receiving your support. I don't feel i deserve kindness but it is appreciated. Please know that your response to my distress feels like i have a real friend here helping me through.

My self loathing goes back as far as i remember, my parents mock how i used to cry before primary school because i wished i was someone else. I can remember thinking of suicide from as young as 8 or 9. I have a lot of text book features of someone who becomes mentally unwell i suppose.... gifted as a child so placed under huge pressure to be successful, the eldest of a big family and everything has always been very competitive, then sexual abuse as a teenager. I don't feel like anything excuses what a worthless piece of shit i am though.

As for real life help, i know i need it now and i will reach out tomorrow. I hope i don't have to hurt myself too hard to get a rest but i don't know how else to communicate this pain.

How are you communicating this pain madeup?
You talk about exhausting yourself on these gruelling runs - what else? What are you doing?

I'm not an expert at all, but I can't ignore your last post. I want to reach out to you and make it better. I have demons that haunt my thoughts, but I cannot ever say that I understand the hell in your head. I know where my demons came from so, after help, I can control them to an extent.

Did any of your periods in hospital enable you to improve/heal at all?

Has any Doctor managed to find a medication/combination of meds that help you stabilise?

Hiya madeup.

I am so so pleased to hear you say you will reach out in real life tomorrow. You can make it through tonight. I hope you can go for a run tonight, and that is enough, please please don't do anything unsafe for you.

It does sound textbook, I am sure from your posts you are fiercely intelligent and very driven and I can see how much pressure you put yourself under.

I would be proud to be your friend.

Please don't hurt yourself to communicate your pain. If it's easier, write it down. Or print off this thread. But I'm very glad you're going to get some help.

One of your earlier comments was about throwing away a good education. Education is never wasted. It shapes us even when we don't use it specifically for its original purpose. I say as a SAHM with a PhD

Dear madeup, I just wanted to tell you how very very strong you are, and how sorry I am for the pain you're going through. I have watched people i love go through mental anguish such as you describe, and to describe yourself as worthless when you have fought through that - its not something I recognise. It's not your fault - illness is not your fault, and the cruel things that have happened to you are not your fault. you deserve to be loved, and to be safe. Please do reach out in real life, and tell people how you feel. There is always hope, and the day will come when you don't feel like this. I am holding your hand and thinking of you

Just composed a marathon post and deleted it. Fuck.

Having bleak thoughts around the children tonight. I love them so dearly i don't want to leave them alone in this darkness. I know these thoughts frighten people but they are creeping into the holes in my head.

Bleak thoughts about yourself or about your children?

Can you fill those holes with anything else? Did you watch silent witness? It's the only tv I watch, my own guilty pleasure. Preferred it when Harry was in it though.

Madeup is your husband home tonight?

Can you get through until tomorrow? Keep that one step, one hour, one minute you have done so well going for a few more hours? Your kids need you, and they need to be here with you.

If you can, printing this to show to someone tomorrow is a great idea.

Yes i did, and yes i liked Harry too!

Can i say that in one sentence and admit to having dark thoughts surrounding me and my children in the next? Seems crazy.

My husband will be home soon. I will have to hang on.

I don't watch silent witness, perhaps you could tell me about it?

Have you watched all of this series? It's all there on the I player if you haven't and would keep your brain busy. I'm related to the original RL person that silent witness was based on (the Amanda Burton character from years ago) - shameless claim to fame there.

Do you like reading crime novels too? My husband says I spend half my life in a criminal underworld with the amount I read.

I don't really follow anything on tv but i love silent witness because I used to be very interested in physiology and genetics. I had a place to study medicine once upon a time and fancied pathology.

It follows a team of criminal pathologists, each episode they attempt to solve a murder or two! I'm sure most of it is totally ludicrous but I enjoy the drama and the science, however unlikely! Also the lead is a female and hot. Just about persuaded my husband its worth the watch.

I do enjoy reading, tv and reading are high on my distraction technique list. Its so hard to concentrate on anything though when my head just wants to go over and over how i am not good enough.

Never got into crime novels, should maybe give them a go. Any recommendations for a crime novel novice?

Minette Walters (she said coming out from hiding place)- great first intro to crime. Bloody brilliant too.

Look after yourself Madeup. Big thumbs up to you and all the marvellous people here offering such excellent advice and support.xxx

That sounds interesting. My 14 yo dd has decided she would like to study forensic anthropology!

I'm not good on crime novels, I do have a Katy reichs here to try, I like supernatural and vampire books, totally escape from reality.

Has your DH made it home?

Madeup

Please don't put yourself down, I think your being to hard on yourself.

I to have mh issues, I'm a lot better than I was 2 years ago. I too had suicide thoughts with me thinking back it was the medication I was put on.
It was horrendous and so scarey.

You are amazing, so don't put yourself down
You have 2 young children(very hard work)
Breast feeding, night disturbance
You WORK still
You find the energy to run

When I was poorly I had to finish work to was to much. I know you say you have to work , but can you not go off sick for a while or do you not get paid? Sorry if this as been asked I might have missed it.
You are an intelligent person, do you have a really good job then?

Tomorrow with your cpn or crisis team insist you won't some help, don't let them say "well what else do you want from us" or something like that . There the experts turn it round to them, and don't be fobbed off.

Don't bottle your thoughts up, tell your dh or come on here vent them out phone the crisis team do you have 24/7 access?
Take care and stay strong, tell it to f... Off every time you get the thought you are bigger and stronger than it

Yeah he is home. He has given me some meds to go to sleep. Another day survived.

Well done. Another achievement. Sleep well.

Love: Good morning. I hope you slept well last night.

You are not worthless.
You mentioned earlier that you have a depressing minimum wage job that makes no difference to anyone or anything.
The street cleaners, refuse collectors, the carers, shop assistants, cleaners, toilet attendents, catering staff all make a positive difference to our lives but are all low paid.

I hope you have a good day today.
x

Madeup, I don't normally post here but felt I had to reply to you.

You talk of how worthless you are, weakness but when I read your posts I see strength. The strength to keep going, to know that your thoughts are you being unwell rather than being your soul and the strength to allow yourself to love your babies.

I'm not best placed to give advice, but I just wanted to tell you that to me, you are brave and strong.

For every negative thought, dilute it with a memory of your beautiful babies. You are the best mum for those children.

Morning, hope you slept well. What is your plan for getting in touch with help?

As for crime novel, Kathy Reichs and Patricia Cornwell are both about forensic pathologists so good if you like silent witness. I like the Scandinavian ones too, Jo Nesbo is a good author to try.

Having a disaster this morning. Thinking of just walking out of work.

What sort of a disaster?

Too much quetiapine, not enough sleep, people thought i was ill or drunk. Have come home. On my own. Now what? I'm not safe.