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Original poster

There is no way out for me now.

770 replies

madeuplovesong44 · 14/01/2014 19:25

I've been around the mh block so to speak....bipolar, eating disorder, personality disorder, pnd, suicide attempts, sectioning, hospital stays months at a time, drugs, mother and baby unit, CBT, dbt, arrests, cognitive analytical therapy, sexual abuse, benzo addiction, ruined degree, ruined careers etc etc

I always thought I would get better but now all that can be done to help, has been done. I'm broken and damaged beyond repair. I'm so tired of this existence, I am a disgrace to my wonderful children. I dream of death and escape and that some angel will protect my babies. How has so much promise become such despair.

OP posts:
Original poster
madeuplovesong44 · 26/07/2014 07:55

I've phoned in sick at work this morning, part of me feels there is no longer any point trying as I am going to die anyway. I have really left them in the shit as we only have skeleton staff on a Saturday but I just don't care. It is really noisy in my head, I am finding it hard to concentrate on actual conversation. Voices constantly reminding me how worthless, ugly andwhat a failure I really am.

I know I won't get any opportunity to act into anything as the kids are home with my husband, makes me feel panicky and makes her cross in my head. I might ring samaritans but I'm scared.

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Original poster
madeuplovesong44 · 26/07/2014 07:55

Thank you for your thoughtful replies by the way.

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mummylin2495 · 26/07/2014 11:57

Don't worry about letting your work down, you have enough worry without that. Does your dh realise how seriously ill you are ? You really do need to get help put in place especially now you are pregnant with twins. It is very important that you get to see someone and I believe there are people who deal with pregnant mums with mental health issues.
Have you actually discussed with your dh how awful you are feeling ? If you haven't you really need to sit down and tell him the truthful situation.

Original poster
madeuplovesong44 · 26/07/2014 17:20

Think he knows, we talked about admission yesterday. He has left me home alone now, don't know what resilience I have left.

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mummylin2495 · 26/07/2014 17:34

Can you phone the samaritans. Now you have the opportunity and can really speak freely to someone ?

RoseyHope · 29/07/2014 10:23

How are you today madeup?

I was thinking earlier about you being discouraged about how long you've been posting about feeling suicidal. But look at it from our side, it's 7months of you surviving and living and being incredibly strong, 7 months more than you thought you would or could live. You can do this. You've been doing this. And life with struggle and pain is better than no life at all, it really is. For you and your children.

DaddyBeer · 29/07/2014 14:09

Hi madeup. Been thinking about you and encouraged to see you'd considered calling the Samaritans. I can appreciate it would feel scary, so I'd just try to reassure you if I can by saying the handful of times I've called them the ladies who answered were gentle, softly spoken and kind. I was glad I'd called in the end, because I'd done something different for myself and so couldn't help feeling a little bit of self-respect as a result. This was much needed at the time.

It also helped because afterwards I went on to speak to my SO and we then both went to GP so some progress was made.

I did still spend at least five minutes waving my finger over the dial button though. Takes a bit of balls! But we already know you have a pair of those oh god not the best metaphor really is it?

You know what I mean.

Original poster
madeuplovesong44 · 30/07/2014 18:53

Think I'm going into hospital, not sure what to think.

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MissSmiley · 30/07/2014 19:26

Hi madeup I've been following your thread since the beginning but haven't posted before. I'm not sure I have anything valid to say other than I'm wishing you all the best.

When will you know about hospital? Have you decided to go in yourself?

mummylin2495 · 30/07/2014 21:54

Hi madeup if going into hospital means you will get some help at last, it will be worth it. If you do go in , remember the doctors etc are not your enemies, they are just doing their best to help you. If you get the chance. Please do this *madeup" we will still be here standing in your corner.

DaddyBeer · 31/07/2014 13:58

Thinking of you madeup and hoping that if you do go into hospital it will make a difference. I kind of think it has to be better than just trying to deal with it yourself. Will be keeping my fingers crossed for you.

Original poster
madeuplovesong44 · 31/07/2014 19:32

I had a bed at my local ward to go voluntarily tonight but I changed my mind. They are going to try again on Monday otherwise it will be a mh assessment. Guess I have a window of time.

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mummylin2495 · 31/07/2014 21:03

At least someone is now trying to get you help which s the most important thing. Please accept what they are offering madeup, it is what you need. And after whatever treatment they give you is done you will hopefully be so much happier. You have a lovely family with new babies on the way, a wonderful thing for you to look forward to, you can do it!

mummylin2495 · 02/08/2014 16:47

How are you madeup ? Have you made a decision on wether to go into hospital ? Thinking of you

Original poster
madeuplovesong44 · 02/08/2014 17:13

I have had the opportunity and means to end my life this last few weeks and although I have willed myself to do and written my goodbyes, I am still here. My safety net and the only thing making this indescribable pain worth tolerating is my beautiful, funny, kind and innocent children. If I go into hospital I am removed from them and my safety diminishes. Sadly, I know from experience that people do manage to commit suicide even on a ward. I don't want to go in, I don't want to be sectioned but I don't want to live like this for another second. I can't see a way forward.

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mummylin2495 · 02/08/2014 17:33

Madeup, you say if you are removed from your children your safety will diminish. How? By going onto hospital you are ensuring that you are still around for your children in the future. Sorry to be harsh but you complain at lack of help then when it's offered you don't take it. What do you want ?
You deserve to be well and your children deserve a healthy and happy mum. Please rethink this.

Original poster
madeuplovesong44 · 02/08/2014 17:48

Have you experienced an acute psychiatric ward? I do want help, I am desperate for it but I know from over 10 years experience that an admission will not do anything to promote any kind of recovery. There is no treatment other than medication which I am already taking. I will be sat on my own with nothing to do and no one to speak to for endless days with occasional bouts of being terrified by other patients. I have been physically and sexually attacked, I have had another patient climb in my bed and piss all over me. Why would I ever think going back there could be a good thing.

I may sound ungrateful in this decision but belive me it is an informed and rational one.

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mummylin2495 · 02/08/2014 19:12

No. I haven't been in your situation madeup and cannot imagine how awful it must be, but my sister has so I do understand lots of it.she has been admitted twice for months at a time and thankfully now she is very stable.
Where else can you go for help though ? And with two babies on the way you need to be as well as you possibly can. I wish I could suggest something for you but of course I can't.
If you really can't face it then you can't, but maybe if you just take one day at a time as you have been doing you can get through it somehow. Do you have any RL friends who can support you ?
Your experience in hospital does sound awful, so I can see why you would not want to go there again.

DaddyBeer · 10/08/2014 00:53

Hi madeup been wondering how you are and hope you're okay.

RJnomore · 04/09/2014 22:46

Madeup it's me, rhonda, been thinking about you lots, how are you?

Keep looking for updates.

DaddyBeer · 23/09/2014 06:25

Hi madeup. Also been wondering how you've been and hope you're okay.

paxtecum · 28/09/2014 16:41

Madeup: How are you?

Hope you are ok?

Love to you.

Original poster
madeuplovesong44 · 28/09/2014 21:41

Hi everyone. I'm sorry for not updating for so long. After hitting real desperation at the beginning of August my doctor did try to have me detained. Fortunately my husband would not allow it and took some time off to look after me.

Things have improved dramatically and at the moment I am well. My children are both fab at the moment, I am loving being their mum, my twins are growing well and I am enjoying a busy period at work.

I am under no illusion about how hard things will become in 15 weeks time but I am trying to normalise this. Mh issues aside I think most people would be daunted by a 5 year old, a 18 month old and newborn twins especially on the budget and level of family/friend support we have at our disposal. Although terrified I have adapted to the idea now and it does feel very special. Feeling wriggly arms and legs has helped me feel much closer to the babies. Have even started to buy stuff.

Thank you so much for your support, being able to offload here has really helped and no doubt I will need all the support I can get in coming weeks and months. X

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RoseyHope · 05/10/2014 19:55

Oh madeup I'm so, so happy to read your latest update. I have been thinking about you and am so glad to hear you're doing well. I am beyond pleased for you :)

How is your pregnancy going? It will be tough when they're born, but you're tougher! I know if you keep pushing through the difficult days and remind yourself about all the wonderful (and more sleep-filled!) years ahead you will handle it all.

Very exciting that your two new ones are almost here. Would you like to tell us about them; if you've found out genders etc?

We will all be here for as long as you need us :)

Original poster
madeuplovesong44 · 06/10/2014 20:29

Thanks Rosey.

The pregnancy is much harder physically than my previous two. As soon as the sickness passed at 16 weeks I began to feel uncomfortable and huge! I'm nearly as big as I was full term already. I can't imagine what is to come. Fortunately both babies are developing well and equally! Have scans every two weeks which is very reassuring, got one tomorrow.

We know they are identical but have decided not to find out the sex. My little boy says he would love brothers but I think I will be delighted either way. We haven't really thought about names or anything yet as we have so much practical stuff to sort out. Our house needs a fairly big refurb of the spare bedroom and we need to replace the car, then there is the problem of a three seater pushchair!

I am hoping to work till the end of December with the likelihood the babies will come in the first week of January at 36 weeks, fingers crossed I make it that far. I'm not sure how viable this will be as I am already pretty uncomfortable at my desk!

My psychiatrist wants me to consider a planned admission to a mother and baby unit as my risk of psychosis is so high. I'd be more open to considering the idea if the hospital wasn't 90 minutes away. It seems so unfair on my husband and children and the rest of our families. I also have to decide whether so continue taking an anti psychotic into the third trimester knowing it may affect the babies. Bit stuck at the moment as I obviously don't want to be ill but can't bear the thought of hurting the babies.

Sorry I have waffled on, found it helpful though!

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