There is no way out for me now.

[madeuplovesong44]

I've been around the mh block so to speak....bipolar, eating disorder, personality disorder, pnd, suicide attempts, sectioning, hospital stays months at a time, drugs, mother and baby unit, CBT, dbt, arrests, cognitive analytical therapy, sexual abuse, benzo addiction, ruined degree, ruined careers etc etc

I always thought I would get better but now all that can be done to help, has been done. I'm broken and damaged beyond repair. I'm so tired of this existence, I am a disgrace to my wonderful children. I dream of death and escape and that some angel will protect my babies. How has so much promise become such despair.

I'm back and I'm pleased to see others have been with you while I was gone. I hope you have a restful nights sleep. You sound completely overwhelmed and rest will help.

I will look in tomorrow and see how you are. Sleep well xx

Meds slow the whirlwind briefly but make it hard to wake to breastfeed, cant sleep but feeling shattered. Everything is going round and round without making sense. I need help.

Tell us about your children. How many do you have, 2?
How old are they? X

I'm wondering if there could be some practical, physical things that would help you. You sound like you are trying really hard to be superwoman - do you have much practical support (as opposed to emotional support) in real life?

I'd love to hear about your kids if you would like to tell us.

Good morning Madeup.
I am thinking the same as Rhonda, you do sound like Superwoman.

Are you working, as well as caring for your two babies?
I wish you well and hope today is better.

I promise i am certainly no superwoman. I have to work because we are really struggling financially but its a depressing minimum wage job where i make little difference to anything or anyone. We are really lucky that my husbands parents look after our baby while we are both at work. It just means i have no help outside this and never get a break. I would love to be at home with my baby or even better i would love to have a career.

I could talk all day about my beautiful babies but i am scared this will out me.

I feel exhausted today. Trying to block the thoughts of suicide but they are relentless.

Something has to give, you are doing so much. Running long distances, breastfeeding, low-paid job. All of those things will exhaust you when you have young children, never mind all at once. I think you need to work out which of those you can stop doing. You don't have to be perfect, you need to find peace again. Try and get a break, ask for help. Sleep as much as you can. I hope you start to feel better soon.

How are you today? My mum committed suicide when I was a baby. I've never got over not having a mum as I had a horrible childhood brought up in foster care.
Please try & get some help go to A&E as the Cpn was useless. I suffer with depression & had severe PND also Anorexia & have been suicidal. I took what ever meds my psychiatrist put me on to get well. Please try & talk to someone you can get better.

Thank you megbeth. I'm so sorry to hear of your tough experiences. I am in admiration that you were strong enough to get well.

I have been down to the railway line tonight. I couldn't do it. I cant do it. I want to say its that i love my children too much. I don't want to ruin their lives. I need to be better and part of me wants to get well and live. Truth is i was sacred.

i don't know what to do next. I just don't know how yo get well. I have taken every drug and therapy offered, i take a mood stabilizer and anti psychotic now and the doc says this makes me better....this doesn't feel better. I feel numb and empty and detached from reality.

Good evening. I'm so glad you were too scared. So glad. I'm on my phone in bed and I keep getting kicked off line, so this is getting to you on a wing and a prayer. Your love for your babies shines so purely and brightly through your lines; run there, take refuge in it and live in that love a moment at a time. I would love to listen to you talk for hours about your beautiful children, really I would. And hear you talk about the career you dream of. What do you see yourself doing? You have such strength to have survived such hardship, it is so sad to see you define yourself by your perceived short-comings, when I see a woman, brave beyond belief, motivated by love, in the face of almost insurmountable pain and turmoil, who rises time and again in spite of feeling raw and bruised, to do what needs to be done for her children. Allow yourself the possibility if just for a moment to be defined by the beauty you've created in your babies. Super hard, but true.

Good morning, madeuplovesong.
I hope you slept well.

Please read peacefuleasyfeeeling's words over and over.
They are wonderful words of wisdom and love.

Wow.

I am reading it over and over with tears flowing off my cheeks onto the toilet floor at work.

Peaceful your words are so beautiful and so immensely kind. Why do that for a stranger? Can i ask what you do in real life? It has really moved me.

I need to put a halt to this descent into crisis. I know i can only tolerate the feelings of desperation for so long. Sadly a very close but elderly relative of my husband is about to pass away. His family are at her bedside a lot of the time. Practically this means i don't have a lot of options for support. I don't know how to help myself. I am so stressed with work and looking after the kids which is just pushing the feelings that i need to escape. Am i rambling?

Hey there

You poor poor lady. My heart goes out to you. I do not think I can do or say anything to comfort you but what I do want you to know is that you are not alone. I feel so sad for you that all medications have failed. I'm wondering if you have tried all types of talking therapies? It seems you need something extra other than your nurse. I'm also thinking MIND might be able to help you out?

What I will say is that your perception of your situation can be changed. It doesn't have to be viewed how you view it at the moment, you can look upon it differently. Yes it sounds like you've had a rough ride but we are all dealt some cards and they do play out in a sometimes horrific way. But I'm hoping that someway/somehow we can help you stop the negativity that seems to have taken over your thoughts. I liked it when another poster said about taking one day at a time. Try not to run at night, how about a walk instead. Just try to take some gentle control back over the demons that are affecting you in a negative way. Please please don't give up on yourself. Yes you have obviously done things you regret but they are done and in the past, tomorrow is a new day and start. If you can, say sorry to those who matter most to you, fill your life with good people, whatever you do don't give up.

Hiya madeup.

I had a really bad day yesterday and didn't manage to post last night but I was thinking about you today, how are you?

It is so hard to hear 'poor poor lady' cos I don't deserve sympathy, i have messed my life up. I have had a top class university education and wasted it. I have been brought up well and yet done awful awful things. I have a family that love me and i keep hurting them by attempting suicide. I really am a disgrace.

My cpn and her co worker tried to call round after i had finished work but i felt that i was too fat to see them. How ridiculous is that. I couldn't let them through the door because i had allowed myself lunch.

Rhonda, sorry you had a bad day??, hope today was better for you.

I'm on my own again tonight, husband is visiting at the hospital out of town. Baby is asleep but my son wants to read and i don't know if i can keep my mask going for much longer. I'm so tired but got to run when he gets home. My mind has created my own hell from what could be heaven.

Today was much better thank you. I overtook somewhere I didn't realise I shouldn't have yesterday (it was perfectly perfectly safe, I am a very careful driver, I just didn't understand the road markings) and ended up with three points on my clean driving license. Gutted but my own fault. I struggled to maintain a sense of proportion all day.

Does running help you clear your mind? I hate running though I persist (well its more of a trot) but my DH, who has also had quite severe depression, finds it keeps him level headed and if he is down or anxious he will head off with his headphones in. Even if exhausted.

Can you put your son to bed? Even with a DVD or something, just to give you some space without any demands for a little bit.

I managed a chapter each and he has gone to bed. I really wish i could cherish this time more, he is a beautiful little boy and i am not being the best mum i could be. I feel like i am being robbed of what could be such a happy time of my life.

Running has always been my escape, the rhythm of the movement breaks my racing thoughts. It has saved me many times. At the moment i am doing 50 miles a week because i am so scared of being fat. Rationally i know i need a rest but i cant cope with myself if i don't get out.

You do deserve sympathy love.

Lots of us make many great mistakes in our lives, but for some of us the consequences are kept secret, covered up or we are helped by others to overcome our problems.

I'm not very good with words, but I post to let you know that I care and I hope that will help keep you strong.
You will feel better in time.

I wish you a peaceful night's sleep tonight.

If running gets you through then run. I understand from DH.

One thing though. You ARE being the best mum you can be AT THIS MOMENT. You absolutely are. You are doing all you are capable of and no one can ask for more.

Managed a decent run and went past the railway line but didn't stop today.
I am so ashamed of some of the things that have happened in hospital i could never even tell my husband. The guilt is so heavy.

Thank you for supporting me. This is getting me through.

You are doing so well.

I was at a wee session about stress today and one of the tips they gave was about learning to forgive yourself for things in the past. I know it sounds a bit hippy dippy but it was saying, you cannot change the past, you can decide to learn from it and do better in the future, but you need to let it go and accept you did the best you could at that time. Even if it's not what you would do now.

Sorry if that's a bit rambly it's been a long day!

Good evening, MadeUp. I'm so glad you got what I was trying to say, so often in life we just don't know how things will land. I'm a primary school teacher in RL. And why be kind to a stranger? Who is a stranger, really? I read your words and see therein the story of my own mum who perceived herself to have wasted so much promise and suffered greatly from incredible self-loathing, anxiety and deep depression throughout my childhood, yet to me was and remains such a light. DP also suffers from ongoing MH problems and since the DDs were born I have at times been his carer too when he has had particularly severe depression or psychotic episodes. Our children seem of a similar age, I'm crosseyed with breastfeeding DD2 what feels like all night every night. You sharing your experience touches me deeply. So that's why. And what Rhonda says is so true; we all do the very best we can in the circumstances we find ourselves in, and while we're busy doing our best, life becomes just a little more doable when we are met with kindness. We turn toward kindness like flowers to the sun. You are showing so much courage, and I hope you can perhaps begin to see that however small or not good enough you doing your best may appear to you, it is actually huge, because it is your best and it's taking all that you have at the moment. Good night and I hope you get some rest tonight.

Good morning, love.
I hope you had a restful, peaceful night.

RhondaJean is right about letting go of the past. IMO hippy dippy methods work well.

Best wishes for a good day.

On one occasion, not too long ago, a fellow patient climbed the wall and brought vodka back to the ward. Three of us got very drunk and escaped. Police brought us back after more booze. Ward staff were scared that the two men were violent so begged police to stay. They didn't. The two men took me into one of the patient lounges and one had sex with me while the other held the door. Staff did nothing, i had repeatedly tried to hang myself in the months preceding this so they didn't have much patience with me. The following morning I was asked to leave for consuming alcohol on the ward. No one ever knew what happened in that room. I felt too scared to say and thought no one would believe me as i had been experiencing delusions. I feel so ashamed still. I want to let the past go but it is so entwined with the self loathing i don't know how.

Sorry for putting this down so publically, i hope it doesn't upset anyone. It is quite a relief to tell someone.

Feel a little calmer with it being Friday, have managed 5 more days at work which is something i suppose.

I am at work, cant post much, but I wanted you to know I read that and I believe you.

Talk more later.