There is no way out for me now.

[madeuplovesong44]

I've been around the mh block so to speak....bipolar, eating disorder, personality disorder, pnd, suicide attempts, sectioning, hospital stays months at a time, drugs, mother and baby unit, CBT, dbt, arrests, cognitive analytical therapy, sexual abuse, benzo addiction, ruined degree, ruined careers etc etc

I always thought I would get better but now all that can be done to help, has been done. I'm broken and damaged beyond repair. I'm so tired of this existence, I am a disgrace to my wonderful children. I dream of death and escape and that some angel will protect my babies. How has so much promise become such despair.

I am sorry it's so hard to keep going that you can't see a way out. You need to find a way to get through an hour at a time, because you are worth helping and your kids need you. Do you have someone in real life who is there for you? Or you can call the Samaritans any time on 08457 909090

Nobody here can change things for you there, but you can talk about how you feel and people will listen.

If you think you will harm yourself, you need to phone 999, or go to A&E.

Are you still there madeup? I need to go get my kids shortly, they are at their grans, but I promise I will be back soon and I will listen as long as you need me to.

Thank you. I truly don't deserve it.

I am on my own with my children who are both asleep. I would never put them in danger so until my husband returns i am safe.

People say suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. My problems are not temporary. I don't know any way of thinking or being, i cant see how it will ever be different. I despise every inch of my pathetic being.

Everything feel so intense and yet i feel empty inside. I keep looking at my beautiful babies. I need them to be ok.

Made up- please please please call 999 and tell them how you feel. Please PM me to tell me where you live if you can.

What time will your husband be home? Does he know you are feeling this way?

Can anyone help you try and sort through your problems and maybe find solutions to some of them.?

OP, I understand a little of how you feel. Please don't hurt yourself. Your children need you and you need you to get well. Keep asking for help until someone listens and gives you what you need.

If i call 999 or go to a n e or be honest with someone in real life, i will end up an inpatient miles from home. I cant take that again. I emotionally can not cope with that again.

But being an inpatient and alive and getting better has to be better than the alternative? Your children need you to be well.

I think you need rest, a break and a really good friend to talk to. Is it possible you can get any of those? I really hope you can find some hope to cling to and start to feel better again.

I know it seems simple, go to hospital, take meds, have therapy, get better. Sadly that isn't how it works. Inpatient units have taught me how to starve myself, how to take heroin, i have been sexually assaulted more than once, i have lost friends and family and become more isolated the more months i spend in there. I have ruined my chance of a career by being detained so long. I cant and wont go back willingly, it is not an option. Death is much more appealing.

i would love a break, just a bit of time to myself to be quiet and relax without housework and the gym. Maybe i should run away.

There has to be something that can be done to help you other than you being miles from home? How many miles?

Could you pay someone to look after the children for a day and a night at least so you could get a break that way?

Mother and baby unit 90 miles, normal psych ward 25 maybe. My head is too disordered, nothing can help.

What would make you happy? Take a deep breath and write down either here or on paper what, in your heart of hearts, you really want.

Dom, that is such a good question to ask of me. Why cant i just do something right now to make me feel happy, something i enjoy? Something that takes away the endless pain even momentarily. Truth is i have no identity. I don't know what i like. When i have been manic i have taken on so many things and engaged in many relationships that felt good at the time but it was just that i was ill. I loved exercise but its entwined in my eating disorder. I love my children but i don't know if motherhood makes me happy. I don't know if i really understand what happiness is.

Look at the positives... You love your children... You have made your beautiful children and however crap you feel about yourself right now...guaranteed you are the most awesome person in their lives and you are their world...

That's something to keep fighting for. It sounds like you've been through so much... Don't give up now. Keep talking to us xxxxx

Yes, motherhood usually leads women to put their own wants and needs second because that's what good mothers do. Many women say they have no identity and that they're only known as 'mom,' but just because you're a mom doesn't mean you can't live.

You still haven't said what you want. What do you want from this life?

Please madeup, you are talking to us because some tiny little part of you wants to live still. That's making you hang on. Please phone Samaritans on 08457 909090. Talk to your DH. Talk to us. But please keep talking until you come through this.

So much of what you say sounds so familiar. I didn't get the full house of diagnoses that you've had, but I was dealt a hand of aces and I pissed them all away too. I tried suicide and I fucked that up too. That so pissed me off. But now I'm so so glad I did fuck it up because I've got 2 DCs and I know now that if I had succeeded, I would have hurt them unimaginably, and forever. It's taken a long time, but just having them here has made me strong again.

Just concentrate on your DC's. Hang on to them, and your love for them. I know it's hard but please do it. Just one small step at a time. We're here holding your hand.

Thank you mumsnet. I don't deserve your time or your kindness but both have lifted me a little and i am going to take some diazepam and go to bed. If i am going to end my life i should really tidy my desk first anyway!

I do appreciate how lucky i am to have two gorgeous babies and I'm sorry if people think i must take that for granted.

Oh dear, this is so sad. I so wish I could do something to relieve your suffering somehow, right now. Is there anyone at all who can give you the break you so badly need?
On a very practical note; you mention up thread not eating. Unless you are suffering from an eating disorder, could eating restore your bloodsugar levels and help ground you and slow down the chaos in your head? I absolutely don't mean to trivialise the severity of your distress by suggesting you can eat your way out of it.
Please don't hurt yourself. I have lost and nearly lost friends and family members to suicide and it is so incredibly sad. You are the light in your children's lives, however desperate you feel.
Don't write off running away as an outrageous idea. When DP had a breakdown, we discussed separating temporarily as a way for him to do a managed "running away" as he felt he just couldn't be around to do the family thing, it was too intense and painful and totally not what he needed to be doing to salvage his MH. He just needed to completely hand over and have tiny, bite-sized chunks of it at his convenience until he felt better. Is there any chance that you could use a combination of your and your DP's annual leave to arrange a longer break for you?

Sorry, I missed the mention of your eating disorder in your OP.

It's clear you don't take that for granted at all. Go get some sleep. And leave that desk untidy for a little while longer ;) xx