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Original poster

There is no way out for me now.

770 replies

madeuplovesong44 · 14/01/2014 19:25

I've been around the mh block so to speak....bipolar, eating disorder, personality disorder, pnd, suicide attempts, sectioning, hospital stays months at a time, drugs, mother and baby unit, CBT, dbt, arrests, cognitive analytical therapy, sexual abuse, benzo addiction, ruined degree, ruined careers etc etc

I always thought I would get better but now all that can be done to help, has been done. I'm broken and damaged beyond repair. I'm so tired of this existence, I am a disgrace to my wonderful children. I dream of death and escape and that some angel will protect my babies. How has so much promise become such despair.

OP posts:
TallGiraffe · 27/01/2014 10:32

Go to A&E. Or call your CPN. Or your crisis team. Or tr Samaritans. Please call someone though.

Thinking of you

clio51 · 27/01/2014 11:02

If you went to bed could you manage to sleep, put the alarm on for when you need to get up to go get dc.

If not give the crisis team a ring,

Snipface · 27/01/2014 11:34

Does your Dh know where you are? Can you talk to him now and tell him you are not feeling safe?

Having some time off work is not a disaster. Work can wait.
Keep talking
Xx

gypsygirlfromlondon · 27/01/2014 12:38

Made up. Have you had a recent diagnosis? Your symptoms appear to be those of Borderline Personality Disorder, not Bipolar. Please stay calm- the panic will ease off. Breathe and get a cup of tea. Your mh symptoms seem a myriad of symtims that are linked to BDP. I am a sufferer myself and wondered if you have ever considered this ? Keep talking

gypsygirlfromlondon · 27/01/2014 13:06

You say you've had DBT. Was this for Borderline? I don't know if it's given for Bipolar as well. Sometimes people are misdiagnosed as having bipolar or PTSD. If you had treatment and you feel it didn't help, could you think about why? Try to focus on this a bit if you can. I know it's very hard - coping when u feel so low. Sending u hugs and flowers.

WelshMoth · 27/01/2014 16:27

Tell us how you're doing madeup.

Hope you're hanging on.

Original poster
madeuplovesong44 · 27/01/2014 17:06

Hanging on....just. Fighting the suicidal urge whilst looking after the kids is taking up all i have.

OP posts:
casawasa · 27/01/2014 17:28

Hi made up, someone else here for you. Please, please try the Samaritans. Do you want to chat about your children or what you are up to with them?Is your husband home soon?

Original poster
madeuplovesong44 · 27/01/2014 17:32

I'm not sure my family would understand my suicide as they don't see my pain.

OP posts:
Original poster
madeuplovesong44 · 27/01/2014 17:33

Just giving them some tea, he should be home soon.

OP posts:
RhondaJean · 27/01/2014 18:16

Hiya madeup.

Did you manage to talk to anyone today?

The mistake with Thr meds is just that, a mistake, and lack of sleep is a terrible thing.

Please don't think I am minimising at all your illnesses but is there a way you can get more sleep, you sound so so tired and on top of everything else, there's a reason that sleep deprivation is used as a form of torture.

Do you have one person you know that you think you could talk to? One friend who would understand, one professional you have come across who you have confidence in?

clio51 · 27/01/2014 18:41

Made up

How on earth are you still managing to work through this?
Could you go on the sick? Do you get paid whilst of work?

Stay with your doing brill

paxtecum · 27/01/2014 20:40

Made up: So sorry you had such a bad day.

We are all wishing you well and sending you strength.

x

Original poster
madeuplovesong44 · 27/01/2014 21:40

I cant take anymore. I think i am going to drop the kids off in the morning and then make an escape. I don't know why i am putting it down here but it makes me feel calmer. At least you will know my struggle is over. My real life people have no idea how hard things are but at least you may understand why this feels like an option.

OP posts:
RhondaJean · 27/01/2014 21:45

You need to talk to someone.

Is there anyone you trust in real life?

Original poster
madeuplovesong44 · 27/01/2014 21:52

I told my cpn today how desperate i feel. I sobbed and begged her to help me. She said if i am determined to kill myself that i will, if i chose to cope she will see me Wednesday with a prescription. I have come to the end of my line.

OP posts:
TallGiraffe · 27/01/2014 21:54

What do you mean by make an escape?

Please speak to someone in real life. Please.

You are loved. You are important. You make a difference in a million tiny ways that you can't know.

TallGiraffe · 27/01/2014 21:55

That was a cross post, sorry.

Do you have a chequered history with your CPN?

RhondaJean · 27/01/2014 21:57

You have done so well telling her and I am really sorry she isn't able to support you.

Do you have a good relationship with your GP? Could you go there tomorrow?

TallGiraffe · 27/01/2014 22:04

Wednesday is not so far away, we just need to plan tomorrow so that your day is full of things you enjoy/keep you calm.

Shall we make a list? What would come first?

WelshMoth · 27/01/2014 22:38

Who will feed your beautiful DD, madeup? She needs you.

Who will tell your gorgeous children that Mummy is gone forever? They love and need you.

I'm sorry if this hurts you, but I'm frightened for you and don't know what else to say.

100redballoons · 27/01/2014 23:38

Hi Madeup. You did really well telling your cpn and I'm so sorry she gave you the answer she did. Please disregard her words and don't give up yet.

I do understand how it feels like an option, please believe me. But there are still other options available too. You have told us, so maybe a small part of you somewhere still wants to find another option.

Just concentrate on getting through one minute at a time. As Tall says, lets work out some things you can do to keep yourself calm & get through tomorrow. Are there coping strategies that have worked before at times like this?

Is there really nobody in RL you can talk to? Does your DH know where your head is atm?

When you've dropped your DCs off tomorrow come back and talk on MN. Or call samaritans on 08457 90 90 90 if it helps to hear a voice.

We'll be here to hold your hand tomorrow.

peacefuleasyfeeling · 28/01/2014 00:59

Good evening, MadeUp. I'm so sorry your cpn just doesn't seem to get you! And after you summoned the courage to speak out; I'm gobsmacked! I get the feeling you would benefit from an advocate, someone to fight your corner and be a bit of a rottweiler on your behalf... I imagine it must have taken such a lot for you to lay it on the line with her, especially as you seem to in to such lengths to hide your pain and fear, and just function and "smile" as you described much, much further up; heartbreaking. And all the while those closest to you are busy elsewhere, however laudable and worthwhile. I can see how it can happen and I think I was guilty of this in the beginning when DP was first ill. I so wanted him to be OK, that when he seemed to be limping along (metaphorically), I would let him "get on with it", thinking that if we just acted normal, somehow we would be. Oh dear. That may be way off the mark, with regard to your circumstances though. Ironically, more than anything, the one thing which DP found most helpful was talking therapy, even though there was some scepticism initially as to whether it would be potent enough to be effective given the severity of his illness at the time. But it was an incredible life-line for him and, I know, the thing he most credits with his slow recovery. I'm only mentioning this as it seems sharing through words, as we are doing here, works for you, and it's something I'd have thought a cpn or your GP might be able to set in motion for you. You are in my thoughts so much, MadeUp, please hang on in there and, as Rhonda says, one tiny hour, minute, moment at a time. PS I make no qualms about it, I watch Silent Witness solely on account of Emilia Fox...

paxtecum · 28/01/2014 06:10

Madeup: Good morning.

I'm so sorry you felt so bad yesterday.

I'm sitting here, not knowing what words to type to help you.

Please read and take in all the wonderful posts full of wise words, they will get you safely through today.

x

Snipface · 28/01/2014 06:51

Good morning madeup
I am just about to go for a run, thinking of you. I hope you have slept some.
A little like peaceful, I have watched my Dh go through pain like this, and he has been desperate to leave us before. I am gladder than the universe that he didn't. He couldn't see, at that time, how much worse off we would be without him, how much he means to us. He got through it, and you can get through this feeling. It won't last forever, this isn't all there is.
Please keep talking, to your Dh, to us.