There is no way out for me now.

[madeuplovesong44]

I've been around the mh block so to speak....bipolar, eating disorder, personality disorder, pnd, suicide attempts, sectioning, hospital stays months at a time, drugs, mother and baby unit, CBT, dbt, arrests, cognitive analytical therapy, sexual abuse, benzo addiction, ruined degree, ruined careers etc etc

I always thought I would get better but now all that can be done to help, has been done. I'm broken and damaged beyond repair. I'm so tired of this existence, I am a disgrace to my wonderful children. I dream of death and escape and that some angel will protect my babies. How has so much promise become such despair.

Don't be sorry, it's lovely to read such a post!

My mum was huge too when pregnant with me and my sister. We ended up being induced at 35 weeks to fit in with my dad being home from work and were both just on 6 pounds, so not a bad weight at all.

Identical, how exciting for you! I wonder what they'll be. Do you have any inklings? My sister and I are mirror twins, so the in between stage (timing of the egg splitting) of normal identicals and conjoined twins. We're mirror images of each other, she's right handed, I'm left handed, we have moles on opposite sides of the face etc. Which is neat!

If you stop taking the anti psychotic does your mh team have a stand-in plan of care for you, to manage any changes in your health? It's such a tough choice for you. There's that unknown element of what effect the birth and post-partum state could have you, it puts such a toll on the body and hormones all over the place. What possible effects are there for the babies? I think if you take all the advice and knowledge of your doctors and listen to yourself and how you are feeling, you will make the right choice for yourself, whichever that is.

Hi madeup. Really glad to hear you're feeling better. Read your posts on way home from work yesterday, and filled up a bit to feel the sunlight coming through in your words (best way I can describe it). It really was heartwarming to hear, and I'm even getting misty-eyed tapping this out ffs! Be great to hear how you get on and will still be checking in. All the best to you!

Hi Madeup, It seems rude to read a thread, add it to my watch list, regularly check to see how you were and not post.

You are amazing. Even in your darkest posts you are eloquent and your love for your DH and children is evident.

I was so happy to see your recent posts and that you are doing OK at the moment. Hopefully it will continue.

Sending you lots of good wishes that your future stays bright.

Thank you almond, your kindness means a lot. It amazes me how complete strangers can take time to wish me well. All the negativity around mumsnet and trolling and suicide threats, people should read through all the support I have received here!

Things are continuing to progress nicely and I am still feeling very well. I have had a long weekend away with my husband and children and loved every second. The kids made great progress in the swimming pool making me very proud and we have all laughed and laughed at my youngest. At 17 months she is such a funny little character!

I'm pretty much measuring full term now even though I have ten weeks to go so starting to feel physically quite uncomfortable! Got 6 more weeks at work, if I can fit behind my desk.

On a real positive, I have been asked to give a 15 minute presentation at a national conference around my experiences of crisis care. If my negative experiences can be heard and do some good that will feel hugely rewarding. Bit nervous about speaking in front of a couple of hundred people but I'm hoping I can hide behind my huge bump!!

Ooh madeup that's exciting!! Such a chance for you to be heard and for the organisations to really hear what changes need to be made from those who are going through it.

I'm glad you're well, and that family life is so good atm! When we start having some good moments in a row it really builds up our mood and we come to normalise good days, rather than expecting to feel down and setting ourselves up to feel that way, if that makes sense?

Perhaps you could get one of those extendable arm things to reach your desk. My mum was massive by the time she had us, and we were early! I wonder if yours will be on time.

What do your dc think about their incoming siblings?

It's my pleasure. Its easy to spend an hour or two dipping in and out of threads on 'Last 15 minutes'. Down the years there have been a few threads that have stayed with me.

The OP is generally going through a really difficult time, but in all cases you have come across as the sort of person people want to root for and do well, because you are good people who have been dealt a shitty hand. You are one of those.

I'm so happy your days have brightened and your family are helping you towards joy. Long may it last.

Congratulations on the presentation. Good look with the next 10 weeks. That bump must be feeling very heavy!!!

How's everything going madeup?

Hey Rosey,

Thanks for the message. I am very well thank you. At 30 weeks now and pretty huge but both babies seem to be doing well.

My mood is really stable and I am loving work and family time. I'm all organised for Christmas as I didn't want to miss out on the present buying if I am in hospital. My eldest is really excited so I am looking forward to doing lots of festive things with him.

My only concern is medication. Obviously what I have been taking for the past 4 months is really helping but would pose a risk to the babies if I am taking it when I deliver. Coming off it at that time poses a huge risk of psychosis. Rock and hard place!!

Rock and a hard place indeed! What is the potential risk to the babies? If you stop, can you start taking it again after the birth? What's the general consensus from your mh team?

It's really, really great to hear you're doing so well and are happy! (And much more organised for Christmas than I am...only bought second gift yesterday )

30 weeks, goodness! Not long to go now. Do you think they'll come early?

The risk to baby is it may cause drowsiness and problems with breathing and feeding. This is more of a worry as they will be born at 36 weeks so already are likely to be small and may have feeding issues. However my psychiatrist think those risks are outweighed by the risks if I stop taking it. ARGH it's so hard, I want to do what's best for the babies but me being poorly would be so hard for my other children. I really do feel stuck.

I have been involved with the local mh trust a fair amount recently and I think it's really contributed to how well I feel. I led a few sessions at the new local recovery college and think there may be a full time career for me in mental health. It's really helping me to frame my years of admissions as a valuable experience I survived rather than a waste of my life if that makes any sense. I really feel I have something to offer in terms of developing secondary services to become more recovery orientated. That's the dream for after maternity leave anyway!

I have lots of lovely social things to look forward to this month, just need to find something to wear... Possibly a three man tent!!

That's such a tough decision. I think whichever one you end up taking will be the right one for all of you, even though it might not feel like it at the time and you might feel guilty and like you're letting one half of your children down. But unfortunately you can't have a birth that won't affect yourself/your children, so all you can do is choose the option which poses the least risk overall and then do what you can to minimise the resulting problems.

That's really great news about the trust. You're so right about how it's making you feel, that instead of saying these years were a blight on my life and gave me nothing, instead they are what could direct you into a lifelong career and enable you to help many people and have an impact on the way the mh services operate and treat their patients.

I've been thinking back to the title of this thread and how the posts have changed. You are finding your way out, and now you may be leading others out with you. I hope you're immensely proud of yourself, your fight and your survival. Your kids will be. As an adult now, when I think of the struggles my mum faced when I was a child, I feel a fierce pride and a rush of love that she's my mum, that she fought so hard and did so much for us. I think all of your children, including these little babies, will feel the same for you.

Thank you Rosey.

How heartbreaking is the news of tragic death of Charlotte Bevan and her daughter. Can't stop thinking about them.

It is very, very heartbreaking. Horrible circumstances. It does make you wonder what support and protection measures were in place for her post-birth. I imagine it's making you worried about your own mental health for your birth, and whether or not to stop the medication. Maybe talking about Charlotte and her daughter with someone from your mh team would help?

I'm supposed to be meeting with the perinatal psychiatrist, my own psychiatrist and my CPN this week to come up with a birth plan and decide when and if I should come off my medication. Obviously this feels a big deal and I have been quite nervous. They have rang today to cancel. I'm sure it will be rearranged but we are running out of time to make this decision. I'm so disappointed and scared.

Oh dear, have they given you another time to meet? Maybe one of the team had an emergency appointment. Could you give them a call and stress to them that you'd feel happier and calmer if the decision is made as soon as possible, and ask them to make this meeting a priority? It could be that they don't realise how much stress this is causing you.

:( Hang in there!

My beaitiful baby girls are here and although pretty tired I am completely in love and feel very lucky.

Congratulations on the birth of your beautiful babies.

I've followed your thread and I often think of you and send you positive vibes.
It's just over a year since you started this thread and now you have two more wonderful babies.
Best wishes to you all.

Thank you paxtecum, this thread has been so useful over the last year and even now things are much more positive it is still really cathartic to write stuff down.

Been teary the last few days but trying not to worry and normalise it. Anyone with a 20month toddler and newborn twins is surely allowed to feel overwhelmed! Having daily contact for a wee while after delivery just to get through the riskiest time. But hoping if everything goes well, I can finally be discharged from mh services this year and perhaps get a paid role in service development with my local trust. Fairly big ambitions for the year but for now one feed/nappy change at a time!! X

Hello Madeup,

I posted on here a looong time ago and then stopped visiting mumsnet so much and lost your thread. I have often thought of you and I just worked out that I could find you by searching my own posts, so here I am, popping in to say hi.

It sounds like all is well? I will have a proper read through later but for now, it's so good to hear a sparkle in your voice and a bazillion congrats on your new babies.

Well done you! Xxx

Congratulations to you all. I hope 2015 is your year for new beginnings.
x