There is no way out for me now.

[madeuplovesong44]

I've been around the mh block so to speak....bipolar, eating disorder, personality disorder, pnd, suicide attempts, sectioning, hospital stays months at a time, drugs, mother and baby unit, CBT, dbt, arrests, cognitive analytical therapy, sexual abuse, benzo addiction, ruined degree, ruined careers etc etc

I always thought I would get better but now all that can be done to help, has been done. I'm broken and damaged beyond repair. I'm so tired of this existence, I am a disgrace to my wonderful children. I dream of death and escape and that some angel will protect my babies. How has so much promise become such despair.

Thank you so much.

Do you think people think i am a dirty slut or a liar. Either feels too hard to take.

You are not a slut or a liar.

You were raped.

This is a massive massive thing to deal with. Would it help to talk to someone on the phone about it, there are specially trained people out there who will listen and believe you. I'm sure someone else will be along soon with better words than me but for now know ht I am thinking of you.

I also wanted to say well done for not stopping at the railway, that's a big step forward.

I know it seems massive but i was already broken by then. Thank you for being here.

No wonder you are struggling so much, trying to deal with this alone on top of everything else.

You are not dirty. You are not a slut. You are not a liar.

There are places you can call anonymously to talk about things like this, you wouldn't need to give your full history but like giraffe said they have properly trained staff to help you talk through it.

I feel like I am required to add, you should try to tell your go or cpn so that they know the full picture, but I understand how hard that would be and that you have very little confidence in the system as it is.

I am glad it helped a little to talk about it. You are so strong, being able to keep going with your ill health, all your responsibilities and that as well.

Sorry I couldn't say much at work, was just flicking through my threads I'm on while waiting for a document from someone else, I had to let you know I had seen it though.

Love, you were raped.
The people who were supposed to be caring for you failed to keep you safe.

It doesn't matter whether you were drunk or not, had caused problems or not, they failed to care for you and failed to keep you safe.

I repeat RhondaJean's words:
You are not dirty.
You are not a slut.
You are not a liar.

x

I have been thinking about you a lot this evening.

Your husband loves you, for all of you. He chose to marry you and to be with you in sickness and in health. It is not the same I know, but I have a long-term medical condition. My husband chose to marry me despite the implications for our future together. He usually knows that I'm relapsing before I do, apparently there's a change in the texture of my skin Anyway, I'm rambling but my point is that I think your husband probably knows you are in a low patch, even if he isn't saying anything. Talk to him.

Next thought, how old is your baby? There is reason for me asking, but I don't want to say it if it's not appropriate for the age.

She is 8 months yet wakes to bf twice at least each night. I'm not sure where i am going wrong. She is very content throughout the day but will not stay in her cot at night.

I'm feeling worried about my post earlier, makes it so real seeing it written down. Have really punished myself tonight, don't know how else to cope.

Despite this i am feeling a strange sense of strength knowing that you kind people are thinking of me and willing it to be ok. Thank you.

I'm still around.

Now that you have written and acknowledged it, and it is real, do you think you are able to start to deal with it?

I'm worried about you punishing yourself, are you able to tell us what you mean by that.

We are all willing you on. If there is indeed strength in numbers, I hope you feel it.

Good morning Love.

I hope you will have a good couple of days at home with your family.

I'm going away today, back tomorrow night.
I'll continue thinking about you and wishing you well.
x

Some of my ways of hurting are secret but last nights 14 miles in the rain on sore legs was there for everyone to see. Followed by a sleepless night i am expecting a long day.

It is the relentlessness of mental anguish that is so hard. Every minute hurts.

Are you able to have some rest during the day today?

It's a horrible horrible day here, I've just been for the supermarket shop, but dd2 and I are going to curl on the couch and watch DVDs. Even that might help you recharge a bit.

You sound like you are running on empty. I would never suggest stopping actually running cos I know how it works with DH but please, make sure someone knows your planned route when you go out?

Do you have anything that of enjoy doing, or that makes you feel a little better for a short time, apart from running?

I feel exhausted and desperate tonight. Have not had chance to sit down today, been out since 9 this morning. I really think my tank is empty. Just want to curl up and die.

It's no wonder you are exhausted. That is right and normal, your body is tired and wants to rest. The problem is because you feel worn out because of your mental health sometimes, you won't always realise when it's a normal and healthy thing to be tired.

Can you sit down, put on some rubbish tv and try to unwind a bit? Little ways of trying to manage your stress and look after yourself physically can help the bigger picture too. (I like watching casualty personally)

Can you have something nice for dinner - I don't know what your food restrictions are but a nice baked potato or something like that, with some carbs in to give you some energy to work from.

I like silent witness so might try and watch that later after i have been running. Am still out with the kids at family gathering at the moment, hating every second. Feel like everyone thinks i am shit and my husband is being horrible about the eating issue. I have had what food i am allowed today, i find hot food impossible. Thanks for holding my hand Rhonda, I'm without hope tonight.

There is always, always hope. It's just that sometimes when it gets bad, the clouds get in the way and you can't see where it is for a while.

I hope this doesn't go on much longer (the event) and you can get back home. Silent witness sounds like a good plan. Hot drinks maybe, camomile tea is good for calming you, or peppermint for settling stomach nerves, both calory free and you can cool the peppermint and have it cold if you struggle with hot drinks as well as food.

One foot in front of the other, one hour, one minute, one second at a time. My hand is always there for you.

Hi madeup, just wanted to let you know someone else is here for you, and there really is always hope.

You sound exhausted but you are showing such courage in fighting this. Rhonda offers great strength and good sense. Do hold tight to her hand, be gentle on yourself and don't take any notice of other people. Keep concentrating on just one small step at a time.

You can come through this.

Only now I'm finding this thread OP.
After everything, still you are here.

Despite your demons, you

... are still here.

Your strength is incredible. Please know that.

I, too am holding your hand.

Pressed send far too soon - sorry.

What do you think is at the root of your mental health issues madeup? You are extremely self critical, full of self loathing and must feel that your life is worth so little to want to end it? Where does this come from do you think? I take it you have explored this as you mentioned various therapies in your OP. We all have the capacity to heal but we need to know where the wound is it took years to find mine.

One little thing about your baby waking up for a bf twice every night ... you said you wondered what you were doing wrong, well, maybe nothing - but it must be very tiring for you. My 2 DC woke up for feeds in the night for a long time - it was ages before either slept through. But I really don't want to be discouraging - maybe your baby will get the hang of sleep sooner than mine did x

Your DC do need you you know - be proud of them too.
I think our DC can be one of our greatest and most amazing achievements.
And life is for appreciating everything around us as we pass through I always think, just as much or more than for achieving some fleeting worldly success ?

Also I get a strong sense that you would be so helped if you could create a little space for yourself in your life - you mention it being difficult to talk with your cpn with your 5 year old and baby present. Could someone look after them whilst you talk more freely ?
And you talk about the struggle to get through a week at work. Maybe not working could be something to look at (I know it may seem impossible financially) but it has to be a better option than what you've been thinking about x

Good evening again. We were all poorly yesterday and I fell asleep putting girls to bed. Better now and yes, willing you on. What a dreadful thing to happen. You were taken advantage of at your most vulnerable and dreadfully let down by those with a duty of care to ensure you would be safe. How the hell could they let it happen?! I absolutely believe you. And I salute you for speaking out. I too worry when I read that you've been punishing yourself. It makes me want to cry; you should be comforted and listened to and helped to heal. Something so awful happened to you, and you are not to blame. (I'm on my phone so can't do paragraphs, pardon odd , dense appearance of post) And about your baby, I'm sure you're doing nothing wrong. You're getting it just right in my book . Isn't it the most natural thing in the world for your baby to want you and want to be close to you in the night? Because you are warm, loving and comforting, just about the most wonderful thing there is?

I'm really overwhelmed that you have all taken the time to reply. I cant explain what that means to me at the moment.

I'm not too well tonight, my thinking is really messy. I will try to respond properly tomorrow.

As exhausting as it is, yes breastfeeding through the night is wonderful. Her rhythmical sucking, the really soft skin on the back of her neck, her warmth, her beautiful blond curls, the contented sigh when she is done and sleeping. I love having her next to me. And yet i still close my eyes and want to die. Why isn't it enough?

OP you write beautifully about your baby. Love is shining from you.

I can't help but think, that somewhere along the way, you've lost your sense of worth. You no longer seem to sense your real 'value' in this world.

I also think you've been let down in monumental proportions - I truly believe everything you write and applaud you for telling us.

Your children so, so need you and love you beyond measure. Hang onto that.

I keep checking in on you madeup... I'm really rubbish at writing and so many posters are sending you amazing replies... I just want you know I'm thinking of you and willing you through this... Love shines from you about your children and you've just lost your way... You can get back on that path... Can you talk to anyone in RL who can help? X