There is no way out for me now.

[madeuplovesong44]

I've been around the mh block so to speak....bipolar, eating disorder, personality disorder, pnd, suicide attempts, sectioning, hospital stays months at a time, drugs, mother and baby unit, CBT, dbt, arrests, cognitive analytical therapy, sexual abuse, benzo addiction, ruined degree, ruined careers etc etc

I always thought I would get better but now all that can be done to help, has been done. I'm broken and damaged beyond repair. I'm so tired of this existence, I am a disgrace to my wonderful children. I dream of death and escape and that some angel will protect my babies. How has so much promise become such despair.

just read that your pregnant with twins congratulations! !! ive 2 year old twins....any questions ask away

sorry if im butting in with your post but hoping changing the subject might pick you up instead of all the sympathy all the time, I've suffered with alot of the crap you've gone through and felt like people being sympathetic brought me down more, hope todays been a better day (tell me to f##k off if you think im being insensitive and sorry if you take what I've said the wrong way)

loopylady the op of this thread has been in a very difficult position and if anyone needed a few kind words and sympathy it is her I would suggest you read the whole thread . Are you a new poster ?

hi yes only joined mumsnet yesterday

Rosey do you like being a twin? Despite everything it does feel very special.

I love it, yes. :) My sister is the most important person in the world to me.
My mum said we had our own babbling nonsense language for the first few years that no else could understand. Used to climb into each others' cribs at night. You'll find they'll fight like anything as they get older but it's amazing having someone you can be that close to.

Your post is very heartening to read madeup. You're sounding really level-headed. I'm sorry you're still feeling horribly sick though, fingers and toes are crossed that it passes soon and you can feel stronger and better! xx

How are you madeup ? Have you managed to get any apts made yet. How are you doing with the sickness ?

Sickness is horrible. I have anemia and low blood pressure now too and just feel like crap. My husband has about zero sympathy and I feel so alone. I can't do this. I have a plan out and I would be irrational not to go through with it.

Please think of your other children and get help. This is just going round in circles. There is nothing anyone on here can do to help you. You need to see the correct MH people and your doctor. Good luck and I hope your life will improve soon.

All we can do is give you a hand to hold and encourage you to seek help. You have to do the rest yourself. Why is your dh being difficult ?

Get proactive and get some more help for yourself. It's there, we can't make you go. Go to all the services and people you have been to. Do it all over again. Don't take the easy way out. It's not fair on your children.

Madeup, I'm just wondering if you've been in touch with MIND at all? Because I know they do mh advocacy, ie, can provide someone in rl to handhold with you when you go in for GP and CPN appts, and help fight your corner.

I know what it's like to go in on your own and feel like you're begging for a few crumbs from the table, while half expecting to be told you're not even hungry. Know what I mean?

Please have a think about getting some backup?

For anyone adamant that help is out there, I rang my CPN this afternoon explaining how desperately suicidal I feel. My days are dark and I feel hopeless and empty, this morning I decided I can no longer take this. After a scared attempt at swinging by my neck from the banister failed, I rang my CPN to explain my desperation. She came to see me and there is nothing she can do. There are no more options for treatment. She will see me again next week. 1-2 in 10 with my diagnosis die by their own hand. Who am I to fight this any longer. No body can help.

Hello Madeup, I haven't commented on your thread before so forgive me if you've tried this. Can you present yourself at hospital? You're still here and posting and you have been since January. Please keep going.

Oh madeup what a sad post. Could you go to your local A& E and tell them how desperate you are feeling. This is a ludicrous situation that no- one can help you when you are in such pain. I don't know anything that I can suggest to you. Please don't do anything to yourself, your children and dh need you and you have two more little lives to think of.

I could present at hospital and I could get myself detained but I know from months and months experience that an acute psychiatric ward will not help. There is no treatment other than sedation and often the trauma of things that go on in there make me worse not better.

The fact that I have been intermittently suicidal since January makes me so sad. And really it has been 12 years. I am not enjoying life, seizing it in anyway, I am so miserable and alone. What is the point. The hope of relief from my pain is so alluring. Maybe this time I really can go through with it.

Please don't do anything to yourself madeup you are so special to your family. But if A&E is the only option please do this. You have to at least give it a chance for yourself and your family,s future.

I can actually totally understand (I think!) a lot of what you are saying, madeup - I once went to visit my friend on a psychiatric ward. Both myself and my other friend who was also visiting her said that if someone wasn't feeling desperate and suicidal before they went in they probably would on coming out!

Listen: it is not you MH services in this country are - excuse the language - SHITE. I don't mean individuals in the system who are often great but the system doesn't work. It's dependent on people being pro active and seeking help - yeah, just what you feel like when you're depressed, isn't it?!

I so, so empathise with how desperate you feel. One line from your first page really struck a chord with me and I won't quote, 'cause things have probably moved on significantly. But there is an important consideration here which is your well being, and that of your children.

I have been where you are oh, many times, I won't drone on about the details. I've never been detained, never even taken medication as I refuse to see a doctor - but that sense of 'finish me off someone, please!' I am oh so familiar with. But - don't.

Do you want to attempt to take your life and instead permanently disable yourself, and your unborn babies?

Do you want to wake up, feel relief it hasn't worked and the die in agony several days later?

Of course you do not you want to live and live well. And my lovely lady, you can. I promise, you can get through this but the pre requisite to this promise is you have to stay with us and I'm very much afraid that means in all probability you will feel a bit shit for a while

I am PM ing you my mobile number and you might not need it and you almost certainly won't want it but I want you to have it! I can 'see' so much good stuff there, even if you cannot!

Lots of love xx

madeup please don't top yourself.

I know you feel really alone, so I'd really like you to text branston and arrange a time to chat to her, she sounds really nice.

Posting on MN is good, but I think it's clear you need to talk to someone more sympathetic than your CPN.

I'll also PM you my number. I might not be as much help as branston, but I'm around all afternoon and I'll just sit on the phone and be with you if you don't want to talk.

I would be really sad if you disappeared, and I am not alone in saying that.

I've just read this thread from the beginning. I cannot believe how strong you've been. you've not only "got through" each day but you've competed, trained, breastfed, cared for your children, run your household, worked... it's incredible to me, I am in awe of you! so many times I was reading you say this is it, with tears in my eyes I desperately scrolled on and there you were. you made it through the night for your beautiful children. you've got through seven months, one day at a time. no therapy they could offer will ever give you more motivation to stay here than your beautiful innocent children. Xxx

Hello madeup. I hope that today for a while there have been a few glimpses of you feeling a bit happier. Why is your dh not fighting your corner for you if you don't feel up to it yourself. You def need someone to help.hope tomorrow is better than today.

I'm hopelessly still here and clinging on. Hoping I will be brave soon and go through with my plans but fully understand that really bravery would be to stay.

The best thing is that you are still here madeup try not to look too far into the future, just take it day by day. I don't think you really want to die, you just don't want to continue living as you are feeling at the moment. Here's hoping that things turn around and someone is prepared to help you.

Glad you are still here Madeup. You are brave though perhaps you don't recognise that yet. I truly hope you get the help you need.

Sticking around is brave, you're right. But there are two ways of solving a seemingly intractable problem.

One is to punch your ticket. This is a rational solution, given your view of your situation. But it's also messy (bit of an understatement). You love your children, you don't really want them to grow up without their mum. And a whole host of other reasons it's really difficult to see right now, like the hole your not being around will leave (massive).

The other is to go further in but with some backup. If you're struggling with your CPN madeup and accessing someone competent to talk to, MIND could offer you an advocate to go with you and speak to your GP. I know from personal experience that having someone with you will make a difference to how you feel and how you're treated.

Link to MIND advocacy is here for you.

In the short term, I'd highly recommend you call the Samaritans on 08457 909090.

You may think it's pointless, but trust me, the actual act of deciding to call, dialling the number, then hovering your finger (for ages) over the call button before just saying "fuck it" then pressing, is a big thing.

Why? Because on some deep level there will be an acknowledgement of "shit, I'm really in trouble here; look what I'm doing actually speaking to a real person about what I'm thinking about doing". And that just may shift you enough to seek further, different help in working hours.

Thing is, you already are brave madeup. You're dealing with a lot of pain, it sounds like you don't feel anything is working for you, yet you're choosing to continue. I'm not bullshitting you here, facing known pain really is hardcore, and shows mettle. Could you take some of that grit, do you think, and reach out a little further?

Will you call the Samaritans? Please?

I can't offer anything useful but didn't want to read and run. Sorry to hear what you are going through. But it doesn't sound to me as if you are beyond repair. You are on here writing and getting your feelings down instead of destroying yourself. You have a loving family.

On top of all your MH problems, you are having to contend with the difficult, sleep-deprived baby period. Some of this stuff will get better ... once you have got through the baby stuff you can have a bit more energy to focus on your other issues. Could you get more help with the children? xx