There is no way out for me now.

[madeuplovesong44]

I've been around the mh block so to speak....bipolar, eating disorder, personality disorder, pnd, suicide attempts, sectioning, hospital stays months at a time, drugs, mother and baby unit, CBT, dbt, arrests, cognitive analytical therapy, sexual abuse, benzo addiction, ruined degree, ruined careers etc etc

I always thought I would get better but now all that can be done to help, has been done. I'm broken and damaged beyond repair. I'm so tired of this existence, I am a disgrace to my wonderful children. I dream of death and escape and that some angel will protect my babies. How has so much promise become such despair.

How are you today madeup? Are you doing anything with your family over the weekend ?

Been into work early this morning which I'm pretty proud of. Feeling a little brighter. Thank you for all you ongoing support. X

Well done madeup. x

Wow, well done to you ! Seems you have been more energetic than me ! I hope you will get some enjoyment from the rest of the day. You should feel proud of your effort this morning .

That's awesome, well done! I'm always surprised how really little things can make a bad day into a good one. I was feeling really low earlier, and tidied up my bedroom while waiting for a call from my sister. Just sitting down to a tidy room improved my mood massively and made me feel much better about myself Silly, I know!
xx

I've had a really lovely weekend with my children, lots of giggles and games and spoiling them a bit in the shops. Trying not to think about next assessment session on Thursday. I know i must be hard work when i am constantly so desperate but i really feel today like i want to get better and be better. Thank you so much x

I am so glad.

I am even more glad you want to get better.

It's lovely to see your happy posts.

madeup that's great news.

That is great news madeup so now you know how happy you can be. When you get low, just remember the lovely day you have had with your family. The love of your family will help you through. I am very happy for you

That's such great news, glad you've had some lovely family time xxx

Oh that is just the best thing to read! I'm so pleased! Do let us know how the assessment goes and we're if you need us xx

Oops, we're here if you need us!

How are you today madeup ? I hope it's another happy day for you.

Had the children on my own today which has been much tougher. I'm really tired now and am trying desperately hard to keep my thoughts in orders and not spiral. I really felt happy at points yesterday but that seems so fragile today.

I am sure you will have different moods on different days, you have done extremely well over the weekend, you should feel proud of yourself. You may of struggled with the children today, but you have coped with it. When they have gone to bed, spend some time doing nothing, just try and relax yourself.

How are you doing madeup?

After three intense hours of answering the most difficult questions about my past, the man with the power has decided although psychotherapy would help me long term to live my life, the risks are too high and therefore he will not be offering me treatment. I am so upset, i really tried my hardest and held on the the hope that this could be the answer. I just feel so rejected. What the fuck do I do now?

Is there anyway you can appeal his decision ? I don't know where else you can turn to. I would suggest that if you get really low again, go to A & E and maybe that way you could get help. It's ridiculous when someone is crying out for help and it's refused.

Please don't give up though

Thanks mummylin. AnE would not treat me well, i know from experience and i suppose it would reinforce what he has suggested, that i cant cope with this. I have managed to hold down a job for 2.5 years and look after my children and our home despite being quite poorly at times. I really felt like the only way forward now is to address all the troubled issues of my past and really felt stable enough to do that. I suppose its hard for people to see that on here, but i am a lot less chaotic than i used to be. If i had felt the emotions of the last few weeks i would have lost control. I cant believe he wont treat me after telling me that it would help. It is very hard to function when you have such a deep hate of yourself.

If you think it would help to speak to someone about your past, then this must be the way forward for you. I'm sure it will all be very painful , but maybe by talking about it you can progress forward. Who do you think you could see to discuss your past ? Would it bring some closure to some of your problems do you think ? I don't know your history, but it's plain to see that something has given you a self loathing , which I'm sure has been caused by someone else. Do you want to speak face to face with someone or speak on the telephone. Have you tried the Samaritans. Or could you set down on paper all your innermost thoughts. Just thinking of anything that you can do really.

Have really fucked up. Cant take this rejection when i wanted it so badly. Been on a huge bender.

Well you have been on the bender, now put it behind you, you can't change what is done. Who has rejected you and made you feel so bad ?

Holy shit.....I am pregnant.

Oh my god ! How do you feel about it ? What a shock for you. I believe there are people who help when you are pregnant and suffering depression etc . Do I say congrats or not ?