DH back to work on Tuesday. How do I recruit daytime nanny part-time 4 till 7.30 pm. Baby 3 weeks. DD 5 years.

[Katiejon]

Title says it all!
Any agencies to avoid in London?
I live in Hendon NW4.

You need a postnatal doula. They will be able to help out with baby or watch them whilst you sleep. They may do a bit of light housework/cooking, and maybe play with older child if needed. Importantly, they are used to new mums and can provide emotional as well as practical support for you.

Doulas

I don't think people are attacking you, I just think that there are a lot of women here who feel like they have had similar experiences with much less support, and coped better, and that makes it difficult for them to sympathize with you.

You are making a good argument to support you being incapable of looking after your children op. I can't help thinking that no amount of 'help' would suffice, and that you need another healthy (in body and mind) carer there 24hrs a day to take responsibility for them.

I would be concerned about you being left alone with your newborn. Your dh has to take his paternity leave.

Do you get out of the house at all during the day, meeting friends for lunch or a coffee? Going for a walk. Cabin Fever is bad. Having something to look forward to every day would be a huge boost.

I'm sure Katie you would cope very well, if you had too. You are have become to reliant on other people.

With regards to the weather, you are joking right....Sorry you're coming across as a bit of princess.

If I had money, and was in your position...

Get rid of AP, she doesn't sound great.
Get a nanny instead.
Get a cleaner to come as often as you can afford.

Mum looks after baby from 2-6pm, outside of your home. Can she take the baby to hers instead? It's not too cold outside for a baby, and babies don't catch colds from being cold. It's a virus. Do you think we never take our babies out in Scotland?
Nanny/AP picks DD up from school, takes her out for dinner. Not back until 6pm, like your Mum.
During this time, you SLEEP. Put earplugs in and eye mask on, and sleep.

If she has SPD/CS she might not be able to walk (I had it, its a real bugger). Just wrapping up warm and sitting in the back garden with a cuppa helps though - agree that fresh air is essential. Also having friends round to you, so you moan talk to somebody other than children/mum/ap especially about useless DH.

you do realise that your house doesn't need cleaning every day? just let some of it slide. go easy on yourself, lower standards on the cleaning while you focus on the baby.

Regarding the disturbing images you are experiencing: you have relinquished much of your 'role' due to your physical and sleep issues, your sub conscious self is punishing you and guilt tripping you with these images. You are now stuck in a viscous circle. I have to ask, why is nobody taking charge of this situation? Your husband is probably working his nuts off to pay for ineffective help and your mother is watching it all go on around her. Surely one of you can be the grown up and make some decisions?

Lol at floggingmolly - exactly what i was thinking!!

I think the OP does need some form of help. CS + SPD + seeing a psych = not your run of the mill pregnancy/birth/postnatal period. I expect the combination is exhausting on itself. But equally there comes a point where you need to say that's that and you're arranging the help you have in X way or you're getting different help in.

A couple of long periods of sleep probably will do wonders, now it just has to happen. Stop trying to work around and make it work for you.

The suggestion of AP taking DD somewhere is a good one even if it involves perhaps a tube or bus ride to a different location that's not directly on the way home. Admittedly Hendon isn't great for attractions but send them to Brent Cross or something.

Does DD's school have a bus/coach service? I'm assuming she's at an indie? Although they may not usually let children her age take it if you explained your circumstances they may make an exception. I remember looking after a lower school girl on the coach a couple of times a week for a term when in sixth form and I was at a school not too far away. Similar circumstances - mother had had an operation, DD was too little to be unaccompanied and journey frightful by public transport due to school's location in the middle of a ruddy great field.

OP I feel for you but I also agree that your dh isn't really doing anything wrong IMO and it'd probably do you some good to recognise that.

You aren't facing an impossible situation here, you need to try and cope, you won't know you can otherwise.

I'm not for competitive misery or whatever but I think you genuinely need to realise that you've got it relatively easy and if you can't accept that then IMO more child care and sleeping tablets won't help but maybe a reality check and your psychiatrist might?

I don't know a single person who had any paid for help after any of their dc and their dh's mostly took a week off, majority don't have family to help. You are in a lucky position in terms of help. I know you have mental and physical problems and believe me I know allllllll about what sleep deprivation can do but you need to accept it IMO, surely you chose to have dc2?

For goodness sake but some earplugs and sleep while your mother is there. I do understand the stress of not getting enough sleep. I am disabled and the combination of my painkillers and disability make me very very tired. But I chose to have children as did you. Am sorry to be harsh but I don't think you need more help I think you need counselling.

Hi, I think people are being quite harsh here. It sounds like you had a psychotic episode ( or something close to it) shortly after your baby's birth, which must have been terrifying. If you have these thoughts taxiing through your head it must be impossible to be able to get the headspace to organise effictive help, especially when you are tired and in pain.

I don't know your financial situation but would a full time nanny for a week maybe take the pressure off you do you could make some decisions. Or maybe you should ask your mum and husband to arrange extra help and take this added burden from you. The other thing to talk about is going into a mother and baby psychiatric unit for a while to take the pressure off you and let you concentrate on get better physically and emotionally. With all the stress you are under, it may just give you a breather and be better than medication - its certainly an option to discuss with your psychiatrist.

Reet, why do you feel the need to post such comments. The OP is clearly distressed. Yes,many of us have been through difficulties but there is no need for such superciliousness.

Can you not just sleep when baby sleeps when other child at school? At 3 weeks they sleep a lot during the day IME.

Sorry you are having difficulties but the sleep deprivation is normal. Most of us coped because we had no choice.

OP I feel for you, you are obviously suffering mentally and physically and the "help" you are getting from "staff" and mum/DH as such isn't a relief but more stress.

My suggestions is to employ a maternity nanny asap. They can get the baby in a routine and help with nights, someone like myself would happily go in their own car with a baby to pick up DC1 and either come home or occasionally pop to after school clubs etc.

Agreed it isn't too cold for baby/in sling under coat/in warm pushchair but may be too cold for your poor mum.
IMO The au pair is not what you want, A good nanny (who 24 hours a day) would cost £140 a day would be money better spent. As long as you have set sleep times and then are willing to help out/ become involved when your not having your designated time off then that is great!!
The Maternity Nanny would need solid sleep/own time during day though in return for the night time constant 24 working hours (mine is 2.5 not with newborn, but around 4 hours if newborn).

I would get an experience Mat Nanny who can involve you, support you and also involve your DC as sounds like she may be being left out of the situation/always with AP.

Best of luck

Reetpetit you need to back off. The OP is clearly not well and whilst yes, she does need to look realistically at what she has and what is reasonable for somebody in her situation to cope with she does not need you sniping at her. You've made your view clear. Now leave her alone.

Perhaps she is Reet, but she is seeing a psychiatrist which is not a usual postnatal service. Mental distress is very different to sleep deprivation. Pampered or not she is clearly unhappy, which surely deserves some compassion.

Jesus Christ, can I just report this whole thread?

OP is struggling and asks where she can find extra help.

Half the posters pile and slag off the OP, tell her to woman up, or do the always helpful "well I was tired but I coped, so so should you."

OP, I don't have any advice on agencies, I'm sorry, I just couldn't read this and let people suggest adoption because you are tired and struggling. I hope you find the support that you want and get the rest you desperately need.

Fucking hell. Seriously, MN at it's worst.

*reeti I think what's coming across loud and clear is that the 'help' isn't helping....

Thurlow - there is clearly a context to this thread in that the OP has posted before. I do think actually it is helpful to some degree for the OP to know that others have survived this situation and worse. SHe is not alone, she is not isolated in this experience. It's not helpful at all though for her to be slagged off. I agree with you and have reported posts which do that.

Some of the responses to the OP have been disgusting. This is a woman in clear distress, struggling with a young baby and a mental health problem. Have a fucking heart.

OP, if you can get through to Monday your psychiatrist might be able to help you make some decisions. I agree that a maternity nurse and sleeping tablets sound like the solution for you, but you obviously need specialist mental health support to make decisions.