DH back to work on Tuesday. How do I recruit daytime nanny part-time 4 till 7.30 pm. Baby 3 weeks. DD 5 years.

[Katiejon]

Title says it all!
Any agencies to avoid in London?
I live in Hendon NW4.

[Katiejon]

Ok, all points taken.
Again, not wanting to justify myself to others but here goes nothing:
Blondes, v grateful 4 ur advice and offer.
Will not take u up on it as I feel u have been hostile towards me.
Spent lots of time trying 2 find way forward, not aware had 2 submit time sheet to mumsnet stating how much time ive spent deliberating various options!
Am v upset by dh opposing me spending money on babycare, despite being told by drs I need to rest for pni and spd and csection.
Dh has forgotten lots of cars and mum has had to 'retrain' him, as if baby no. 1.
Ap with dd.
I am in constant pain from spd.

I want this thread closed, too much Katiejon bashing, so reporting to mnhq.
Thanks 2 those who have helped me.
The rest of u, I hope u r kinder to people in rl and NEVER have my experiences.

[Blondeshavemorefun]

Where have I been hostile to you?

On your past few threads where you have asked for help - myself and many mn'ers have given you advice on how/where to find somebody

You posted over a week ago saying you were shattered - needed sleep and needed help and we all replied that you needed either a temp nanny - night nanny - mat nurse - doula - mothers help or cleaner

We said call agencies who would find you someone - but seems you didn't want to take our advice

Not a problem you don't want my help :) - hope you do get help - but I have been helpful not hostile !!

[Blondeshavemorefun]

Whoops hit post

Least you have norlander tomorrow :)

I hope she is helpful and you get rest and maybe she can work some extra days or nights for you :)

[ChippingInLovesAutumn]

Blondes - hostile?? She has offered you advice (on several threads), she has been kind and patient and you throw it back in her face?

I hope the GP can give you the help you need.

You didn't need to spend 'a lot of time' you simply needed to call a couple of good agencies. People have made a fair few suggestions - none of which you seem to want to take? What do you want people to do or say?

Your DH would appear to be fairly useless, however, I am not sure you are in a position to assess the situation accurately.

What has your Mother said about all of this?

[BellaVita]

I am laughing my head off at Blondes being hostile. She couldn't be even if she tried!

Have read through the thread and you have had a lot of very helpful advice OP, I suggest you read it through again when you are less tired or get your mum to read it and see what she thinks.

FWIW when DS1 was born 16 years ago, I lived no where near my parents in fact I lived 200 miles away. DH was very very poorly in hospital in the weeks leading up to DS1's birth and came out only about 9 days before. He was bedridden. To be fair, I kept this from my parents as they both worked then, if they had of known they would have been down like a shot. They only found out how poorly he was when he opened the door to them when they knew I had gone into labour and they made the journey down. They came on the Friday and left on the Monday after they had brought me out of hospital (I had a cs), they then had to go home. I was still left with a newborn and a very poorly husband. I left the housework. I just made simple things to eat. There wasn't online shopping then, but mum and dad got me a big shop in before they left. I coped, because I had to. There wasn't anyone else to do it. YOU WILL COPE, it has to be mind over matter sometimes.

[SolomanDaisy]

Mind over matter isn't particularly helpful advice for someone with a mental health problem is it? You might as well tell her to pull herself together. She can't, she needs (and is receiving) psychiatric support.

[NorthernLurker]

OP you are plainly very unwell at the moment. I think you said you have a medical apointment next week? I hope that is useful.
A small number of posters haven't been nice - but those posts were reported by your peers and HQ have deleted. Blondes has NOT been hostile, she offered to come and help you. I hope you can look back at this thread with a clearer perspective soon. Have you showed it to dh? It might help him work through the situation. FWIW your oldest child is 5 and his probably scared of getting things wrong and upsetting you more which is why your mum has 'retrained' him.

[ChippingInLovesAutumn]

BelleVita - I know - if she was any more lovely she'd turn into a WoolleyHug! She's far more patient than me too! :) If I had been in the state the OP says she is in, I'd have booked Blondes a first class ticket on a train when she first offered to help before she had a chance to change her mind!! You don't get someone with that much experience, concern & general all around loveliness able & willing to drop things and come running everyday!

[ReetPetit]

will probably be told to butt out again, no doubt - but just to say - if you read the thread from the beginning, op was fine in the beginning - she is writing au pair lists etc, seems to be in control but just annoyed to be not getting the right amount of help/5 hours solid sleep (who has that with a 3 week old baby??) as the thread has gone on, people are now saying she is 'clearly unwell' I don't think she's as mentally unstable as you all think. Her dh sounds like he is a consultant or similar - hardly likely to be a complete arsehole - I'm not sure what more he is meant to do...

She has been offered advice and help -particularly by Blondes - anyone who was truly desperate would have taken her kind offer.

But no, op, has to have a 'norlander' As a nanny I found mothers in very high powered jobs seems to go to pieces when it comes to have a baby - its the loss of control, nothing to do with mental health.

She probably does have PND of some sort - in which case - she should be in contact with midwife/HV/GP - or her dh/mum would have been - they surely can't all be that idiotic that they would stand around watching a woman fall apart.

I'm finished on this thread anyway before you all start having a go....

[Parsnipcake]

I think when life is feeling very out of control, a stranger coming in and offering to take control can be seen as threatening, when it isn't meant that way at all. I really think everyone needs to back off from the OP. she is under immense stress and is quite unwell. Telling her to get on with it, woman up etc is so unhelpful. I thought attitudes to mental health issues had changed, this thread has shown they haven't.
I'm not sure that anyone on MN can help OP at the moment, she needs her family and medical help.

[Parsnipcake]

Reet. Loss of control is a key issue in mental health difficulties, especially PND and PTSD. I am not sure whether you are ignorant or just unpleasant but why not just back off? What difference does it make to you what the OP does?

[Jollyb]

Agree Parsnip. People are coming out with the sort of comments my mother made when I had PND. 'Sleep deprivation never killed anyone'. ' your grandmother spent one morning with me and that was all the help I had'. Really helpful thanks mum.

Having had PND with my first but not my second I cannot stress the difference in my ability to cope with lack of sleep etc this time round.

OP I hope you had a better night.

[Jollyb]

Reet - her husband may not be an arsehole. Mental illness can lead to an irrational /skewed perception you know.

[DanceWithAStranger]

I agree, Parsnipcake. Just from what the OP has mentioned she has had terrifying hallucinations and is seeing a psychiatrist - I have no idea why she's getting all the posters telling her they coped so she should too. She's had a lot of good advice on this thread but I don't think she's able to take it: she needs RL help.

OP, has your H talked to your doctor? Has he actually heard that you need sleep, at night, to protect your mental health?

[SolomanDaisy]

Reet, have you actually read the fucking thread? She has a psychiatrist, she is beyond needing the help of a HV. She has had what sound like psychotic episodes. She is very, very unwell.

As for people berating a vulnerable woman for not welcoming a random internet stranger into her home. Seriously? That poster may well be a wonderful, experienced person, but how does OP know that? And no, she's not responding rationally, that is one of the problems with mental illness. She probably needs support from someone with experience of that.

[giraffesCantGoGuising]

Hope you are ok op. I have known blondes on here and another forum for years, she has been through a lot herself and is just trying to help - sometimes the tough love approach works.

Take care op.
Blondes enjoy your time off :)

[Blondeshavemorefun]

Sleep deprevation is awful. I said that before.

Op originally posted tue 12 nov saying she was shattered and needed help so she could sleep

We all said get a night nanny - originally op said she only wanted Norland that counts me out and btw thank you for the support and nice comments - I was trying to be helpful by offering my services for a week

I did wonder if I had been hostile but re read my replies - on all ops threads over the past 12days and no I havnt - all have been helpful :) and as I said fine If op doesn want my help and I hope she gets some :)

Reet is right. Op was fine at beginning of thread and others she has done - ap isn't helping and needs to get rid of

Many of is have offered advice and solutions but op doesn't want to take the advice and follow up on it

12 days has gone by and op hasn't made any progress in finding help so she can sleep - ring some agencies or get your mum to ring them and get 3 mat nurse or night nannies over and pick one - book for 3 nights for a week and if you/they are happy then extend booking

All this could have been sorted over a week ago

Once you have sleep op then you will feel better and more Human :)

Bubs needs to get into a routine and as bottle fed it will be easy and should be able to feed every 4hrs - and you can sleep when bubs does

Can dh do feeds tonight so you get a rest - or he does the 7pm and 10/11 and you go to bed at 7/8pm And sleep till bus wakes up hopefully 2/3am

What I don't get :( is if you were the same with dd then why isn't your dh/mum/hv/gp all working alongside with you?

I once had a job via a GPS recommendation as mum had pnd and so tired and gp advised her to get a night nanny so could sleep and she rang her local agency and they rang me

[NearTheWindmill]

Now come on OP I suspect 15 or so years ago I wasn't in a very different place to you. I was scared because I'd had an abscess after my ds was born and had to have surgery; ds was early and by the time I got to hold dd she was my 5th pg and so lots of stress and trauma and to be honest I have blanks about the year ds2 died and dd was born.

I also had and have a husband who worked all hours and I was on my own from the day dd was 8 days old - except for an au pair who to be honest was like another child to feel responsible for. Unfortunately there are many jobs which preclude the father from taking paternity entitlements although when I had my children there weren't any and either your mother came to help or your husband took some annual leave. My mother came - for five days - and that was it and I would have loved to have had some help and support locally and I think you really do need to count your blessings there.

I didn't have a CS or PND to recover from and incredibly neither did I hit PND again. But I did pace myself and I did plan. DS was 3.5 and at nursery in the mornings. I was lucky because I was well enough to take him and collect him - it got me out and I took the baby too. The au-pair came into her own after lunch when she took him to the park and then again during the misery hours between 5 and 7.30. Au-pairs should not clean much you know and a cleaner can come in once or twice a week for that. I don't really understand why your au-pair needs to clean every day - a small house doesn't take much to keep clean and tidy and if you have a big one you don't have to use it all.

Other things I did to help myself were having a changing table downstairs and and upstairs to help with bending and I moved into the nursery with the baby to minimise being disturbed during the night and to get some rest. I also spent a lot of time resting with the baby during the day and a jolly good excuse it was too to just smell her adorable little head and drift and doze. Could you move into the nursery and perhaps bung a mini fridge and a cheap microwave in there to minimize getting up and down in the night. You can feed and doze if you have a comfy chair.

To be perfectly honest OP I don't think this is as much about child/baby care for the children as it is about an agreed clinical/social care plan for you to help you to recover from both physical and psychological trauma. I hope the appointment goes well and that you can get the support you need to start dealing with this objectively and logically and also to pull back a little control.

I am very sorry about the pain because I know how debilitating pain can be but I'm sure that will pass.

[lotsofcheese]

This is a horrible thread. MN at it's worst: attacking a vulnerable, ILL, new mother with physical/mental health problems for not being able to "cope".

OP, I hope you are able to find a way of prioritising your health first. Would it help to write down a list of priorities, perhaps with someone trusted & on your side eg your mum? It might not seem so overwhelming after that?

[Parsnipcake]

Mental health issues are complex though - people who are quite delusional ( not saying the OP) can begin a conversation quite normally, and then become more and more nonsensical with bouts of lucidity that leave everyone feeling confused as to what's going on. As for offering advice and solutions, most people don't respond to directive advice, we need to find our own solutions but can only do that when we feel safe and in control. ( this is the basis of psychotherapy). The OP may be a rich pampered woman but she has the hallmarks to me ( as someone who has worked with PND for 20 years) as someone with severe mental health issues. I would rather take the compassionate view and be wrong than take the sneering and 'get on with it' view and be wrong. Blondes, I don't think the OP is judging you, she is just in a bad place.

[Blondeshavemorefun]

I'm not taking it personally parsnip :) yes I am a random stranger to her tho again so will anyone she uses from an agency - tho a reg on mn - and as said previously I would expect op to check refs of anyone she lets into her house - mine included :)

Let's just hope granny/dh/op rings agencies - I don't know any ones based near her - and gets help in for hopefully tomorrow night :)

[NearTheWindmill]

The other thing I was going to suggest about taking your dd to school if it's a 20 minute drive is could you possibly arrange for her to be taken by taxi perhaps with a local friend in the mornings and then the friend's mother could bring her back after school. Up until Christmas that would be cheaper than 2k on the car insurance. I have friends who have done this with a local firm; it was a regular job and the same driver, who came to meet them first, did it every day. He was localish and I think the parents even contacted the local Imam to check him out. We are London too.

[Katiejon]

Wasn't going to post again but wanted 2 update u all b4 I slept.
Thanks 2 all those concerned 4 me, a perfect stranger.
Not a rich pampered woman, I drove the same car for 15 years until last year, without power steering.
Getting a Norlander reassured me am getting someone trained and experienced.
I feel hungry 4 the 1st time since baby born.
Blondes, sorry if I upset u, very hard 4 me to think rationally.
PM me please, I need daytime help.
I collapsed last nite.
Told dh I need more sleep and want 2 walk out the door.i was distraught.
Told him if I go 2 psych on Mon like this, will be given ad's, and its his fault 4 working WHILE ON PATERNITY LEAVE AND NOT TELLING ME AND EXPECTING ME 2 LOOK AFTER 2 ON MY OWN WITH PAIN TRIGGERED BY BEING UPRITE.

DH originally opposed me having xtra help, I cant move much yet he expected me 2 look after 2 on my own.
He can't do it on catnaps but expects me to do it!
Clinical social plan v good idea.
V angry cos will now be diagnosed with pnd and I did everything I could to avoid it.
Yes, I know diagnosis will lead 2 treatment.
Not my fault dh doesnt think about me.