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Original poster

I just did something (triggering)

341 replies

Messupmum · 09/08/2013 19:40

I don't know if I need help or not. I tied a ligature around my neck so tight - I did it twice. The second I struggled to undo it.

I'm kind of scared, but I felt a sense of calm too. Don't really think I'm having normal thoughts. I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
AndIFeedEmGunpowder · 12/08/2013 07:09

We care what happens to you and are listening. x

Caster8 · 12/08/2013 07:20

Yes your mind is playing tricks on you. That is why you must not, I repeat must not take notice of the "signs". They are false signs, they are not true.
What time can you go to day hospital today? Can you go right now. Go now if you can. You do need to go.

Otherwise ring cpn [I dont know all the ins and outs of the medical stuff so if I dont know when the medical staff are available]

HoopersGinger · 12/08/2013 09:02

What you describe, objects jumping, is an adrenal response to stress and really nothing more. Describe this symptom along with your other symptoms when you go to the hospital and explain it distresses you ( as it would anyone of us ) You will be taking the right steps on your road to recovery and everyone here will be with you all the way.

Original poster
Messupmum · 12/08/2013 09:31

It's probably not worth me telling them as I know I'll get told it's lack of sleep etc. Wish I could go off somewhere, just drive off somewhere far away with no one around.

OP posts:
LEMisdisappointed · 12/08/2013 09:41

Im here and listening, whats going on honey?

HoopHopes · 12/08/2013 09:57

Hi, lack of sleep and stress can and do indeed cause the symptoms you describe this morning. If you tell the staff at day hospital they may be able to get you medication prescribed short term to help with that. Hopefully the quiet atmosphere and lack of activity at the day hospital will help you with calming down things today.

Original poster
Messupmum · 12/08/2013 13:57

I've been so honest this morning, was really difficult, and they discharged me. I was told they're just thoughts, and was just let out with no questions as to where I was going or if I was going to be with anyone.

I don't get it, what's the point in asking for help. I feel so horrible and worthless. My head feels like it's going to burst.

OP posts:
Accentuatethepositive · 12/08/2013 14:21

I'm so sorry you don't seem to be getting the help you need. Is there anyone you trust to confide in who could push for what you need? A friend or family member who wont take no for an answer? Or your GP?

I imagine it must be exhausting working up to being honest about how you're feeling and then feeling dismissed. Perhaps you come across as coping really well,not that that excuses the hcps for not listening to what you are trying to tell them.

Original poster
Messupmum · 12/08/2013 14:24

There's no point anymore. I've told them I've felt suicidal and here I am at home on my own. I can't keep telling people my darkest thoughts, to just be ignored.

OP posts:
Caster8 · 12/08/2013 14:51

I too do not understand how they can do this.
And sort of dont know what to write.
Is it post natal depression that you have?
[I realise that you dont want to say too much on here]
There is somewhere on MN that may be better suited to you iykwim.

HoopHopes · 12/08/2013 17:55

Sorry messedup was it the day hospital or the crisis team who discharged you? If crisis team discharged you do you still have the day hospital?

Sometimes when people say they are feeling suicidal medical people do not act in the way we think they would. A psych told me that when our heads have suicidal thoughts that we do not act on it is the way our brains work on keeping us safe. I found that made the thoughts less scary for me. May not help you but thought I would share.

Caster8 · 12/08/2013 18:45

I took it that it was the day hospital, but I could be wrong.

Original poster
Messupmum · 12/08/2013 20:14

Once the day hospital discharge you, then you are no longer under the crisis team either. Surely people who do commit suicide have the thoughts and urges before they do it?!

OP posts:
HoopHopes · 12/08/2013 20:32

Oh sorry to hear you discharged from both. Each area's mental health team is so different, that is so confusing. Here the crisis team can refer to day hospital but if under the mon-fri day hospital then you are not under the crisis team.

Did the day hospital or crisis team give you any strategies to help reduce distressing thoughts ... Such as have the tv on even if can't watch it, hobbies that distract etc I used to get told.

Remember that you can see a gp or an out of hours gp who can refer you to crisis again as a fresh referral. I never found the crisis team helpful but it all depends on why under a crisis team I think. Or if not want to use the crisis team go to your local a and e and ask to be assessed by their approved mental health person.

Original poster
Messupmum · 12/08/2013 20:42

I never want to go to the day hospital again. Maybe if i'd spoken to another nurse it might have been different, yesterday I saw a lovely nurse.

I did ring my cpn after and told her how I felt about the morning. She asked if I wanted to be admitted, but I said i've already been told this isn't advisable. Seeing her tomorrow but I feel like giving up.

It is very confusing how different areas work in different ways, even different nurses have different views. It's too hard to know what help you need when your head is a complete mess and you're terrified.

OP posts:
AndIFeedEmGunpowder · 12/08/2013 21:31

Oh messupmum it must be really scary.

How old are your DC?

Sending you lots of positive thoughts.

Accentuatethepositive · 12/08/2013 22:12

I hope you get some useful advice from cpn tomorrow and in the meantime a little rest. Thinking of you.

TeamSouthfields · 12/08/2013 22:23

Where are u children?

It might be a good idea to go and see them?

Original poster
Messupmum · 12/08/2013 22:39

I'm sorry. I'm not the selfish cow i'm probably coming across as. I didn't want it to be like this, I never imagined motherhood to be like this.

OP posts:
Caster8 · 12/08/2013 22:49

You are most certainly not selfish. Far from it.

I have not had PND, but a lot of mothers on this forum have unfortuneately.
I know you dont want to post too many details on here, so I wont ask how old your baby is.

HoopHopes · 12/08/2013 23:24

Hi you are not selfish at all. You are stuck in a system where there are as you have found out confusing systems. However, do not think admittance to an inpatient hospital is good, mostly they are shared rooms (5 in my room) with very ill people which I found did not help me, with no talking therapy, and just a tv for activity.

Can you try and arrange something every day so you not in your own if that is what you find hard? I am having a tough week so have got one thing arranged for next few days... Reading thing at library, a play date etc. I got a calendar and wrote it up, trying to encourage myself. Can doing something like that help? May not, just trying to share how I am managing.

Or do you have any family you could go and stay with for a few days even? Make a little hol of it for your dc? Or relatives that could come and stay for a bit?

HoopHopes · 12/08/2013 23:26

Hi, you said you are struggling to know what help you need, so if you can try and trust the professionals even if they don't appear warm and caring they will have your needs at the forefront of their minds. Perhaps ask the Cpn tomorrow what you can do to help yourself right now... As sometimes I need to be told the most basic things.

Caster8 · 13/08/2013 15:33

How did this morning go with the cpn?

Original poster
Messupmum · 14/08/2013 10:29

It's been a blur, the last few days. I've got to try to keep going, got plans for the week but I just find myself lying on my bed completely exhausted.

My cpn seemed more concerned than before, has arranged to see psych consultant next week, and mentioned admission again. She didn't understand why the day hospital didn't get a consultant to see me, and just let me go with no questions.

I don't see a future for me, I don't know where to go from here. I can't think straight but I'm trying and failing to be 'ok'.

Right now the thoughts of no longer being here are more comforting than trying to fight this.

OP posts:
Caster8 · 14/08/2013 10:47

So glad you have posted again. Smile

Mot been through what you have, but I would have thought that it was completely normal to feel exhausted by what has gone on. Soem rest is a good thing.

Glad too that your cpn is now of more use and arranged for the ppsych amongst other things.
[sounds like you came across 1 nurse in hospital that was not helpful for you].

You dont have to be ok as such. Getting through is ok for now. And that is what you are doing.