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Original poster

I just did something (triggering)

341 replies

Messupmum · 09/08/2013 19:40

I don't know if I need help or not. I tied a ligature around my neck so tight - I did it twice. The second I struggled to undo it.

I'm kind of scared, but I felt a sense of calm too. Don't really think I'm having normal thoughts. I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
Original poster
Messupmum · 10/08/2013 11:06

I'm so scared and embarrassed. Did it again this morning. And fighting the urges so much, but I'm so ashamed about people knowing. I keep getting told to tell family everything but I'm finding that the hardest thing in the world.

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Caster8 · 10/08/2013 11:13

You dont have anything to be embarrassed about.
What are you supposed to tell the family? Sometimes, from other threads I have read, telling family is one of the hardest things to do. Glad you are talking to a friend about it.

Is it the crisis team that are telling you to tell family? What time are they coming?

[sorry. dont want to bombard you with questions]

Caster8 · 10/08/2013 11:15

Have you been diganosed with post natal depression?

KrazyKurls · 10/08/2013 11:32

Morning MM, hope things seem a better better in the daylight.

Have the crisis team visited yet, you can't tell them anything that would shock them or they haven't heard before.

You don't have to tell anyone anything at this time, just that you need some help - details can come when your feeling stronger.

fluffydressinggown · 10/08/2013 11:36

You need to be honest with the crisis team.

Ligatures are very very dangerous (as I am sure you know) so it is important they know you are using them.

Apileofballyhoo · 10/08/2013 11:36

It will pass, OP. It will get better. This feeling is not forever. It is an illness and it will pass.

Caster8 · 10/08/2013 13:39

I wouldnt say this if you were not so desperate. I am slightly wondering if the crisis team, or is it the cpn? is the best person for you, as in another cpn may suit you better?
Having been on the Mental Health boards a bit, it seems, as is perfectly likely to happen, that some cpns suit some people better than others.
Not sure what the answer to that one is though, if that is the case. Others on here might know.
And you may rightly think that now is not the best time to even be thinking about that.

MNHQ
KateSMumsnet · 10/08/2013 13:55

Thank you to everyone who reported this thread to us.

We're so sorry to hear you're not feeling well messedupmum. We'd like to echo what other's have said here, and hope that you get some support and help in real life soon. There are some resources here here that may be of some use Flowers

Original poster
Messupmum · 10/08/2013 14:20

The crisis team came, they stayed for quite a long time. My friend spoke to them and asked about admission, but they said they would rather support at home, and I can go to the day hospital.

I told them everything, but they seem to think I am responsible and able to make decisions.

OP posts:
Caster8 · 10/08/2013 14:49

Well done for being brave, and telling them verything. Have you been to day hospital before? Do you find day hospital helpful/useful?

Original poster
Messupmum · 10/08/2013 16:08

So sorry this thread was reported, I didn't mean to be so much of a worry. I feel awful now, sorry Sad

OP posts:
myroomisatip · 10/08/2013 16:16

Hey. I am sure that there is no need to feel awful and apologise.

I very rarely visit this topic and yours is the only post I have read so far and I am glad you are still posting. Hope you are feeling better.

thornrose · 10/08/2013 16:21

Oh no, don't feel awful. People were concerned about you, I know I was.

I'm just sorry I couldn't say anything remotely useful last night.

Caster8 · 10/08/2013 16:42

Its ok. No need to worry at all.
There isnt a problem about it. People may have reported because they are concerned about you.

HoopHopes · 10/08/2013 18:40

Sounds encouraging they offering the day hospital as the day hospital will mean you can still see your dc but have support and activities in the day. If in patient I found the only activity was a shelf of books, a broken CD player and a tv so much less useful if you able to go to a day hospital.

ChippingInHopHopHop · 10/08/2013 19:43

How are you doing this evening?

You are your children's whole world - there is nothing more certain than that.

Original poster
Messupmum · 10/08/2013 20:08

I'm just being a burden as usual, being indecisive and worrying everyone. Crisis team have rung, I feel so not myself and getting strong urges. Got to spend the night with someone keeping an eye on me, feel like a freak.

I don't know if I'd actually be better being in hospital right now, I'm beyond caring.

OP posts:
Caster8 · 10/08/2013 20:18

People around you, and on here want you to get better. You are not a burden, nor a freak.
Cant remember the figure, but is it about 1 in 3 who will get some sort of mental illness at some point in their lives? Cant remember the exact figure, but it is high. And that goes across all spectrums, even including doctors.

I dont know about the hospital bit, I dont enough about it all to say.

Accentuatethepositive · 10/08/2013 20:20

I feel hesitant to contribute to this thread as I am no expert on mental health, but I just wanted to say that you are not a burden or a freak, just a person who is having a very difficult time. You've done absolutely the right thing by asking for help, people want to help you so don't feel bad about accepting their offers.

I am thinking of you.

HoopersGinger · 10/08/2013 20:47

You were really brave today. You are not a burden. You just need help and your friend keeping an eye on you will be so relieved to be with you and help keep you safe. I am sure you would feel the same if your situations were reversed.

ChippingInHopHopHop · 10/08/2013 20:52

Who is going to stay with you?

How on earth are you being a burden? I hope you don't mean on here... what with all of us posting bollocks about bollocks on various threads, you are hardly disturbing a summit on world peace Grin

I thought I was indecisive earlier - now I'm not so sure.

... no, not giving up my day job to be a stand up comic!

When you are feeling OK, what do you enjoy doing?

Original poster
Messupmum · 10/08/2013 20:56

Somehow I've managed to convince people I'm with someone else, if that makes sense. Sitting doing nothing and the hours are going by with me realising it. I'm talking to people, being honest (to some) and blurting out things without really thinking.

I'm just typing really, trying to keep sane. Think I'm losing it, no one understands. They think I'm in control but I'm not. I don't want to ring the crisis team and get told off by them for being on my own. What a cock up!

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Original poster
Messupmum · 10/08/2013 21:00

The hours are going by without me realising it, obviously. Think I'm going to be making a lot of mistakes in this state.

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thornrose · 10/08/2013 21:00

So you're actually alone tonight?

I bet your friend would be with you in a heartbeat. Could you ring someone to be with you?

Original poster
Messupmum · 10/08/2013 21:05

She's coming round but I've convinced her to come for an hour. I don't really know what I'm doing, I keep mucking people about. And feeling so much paranoia, have a feeling people know who I really am on here.

I'm actually sat in the dark on my kitchen floor as so scared someone is going to turn up at the door. I feel like I'm going to have a panic attack, my hearts going too fast.

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