I just did something (triggering)

[Messupmum]

I don't know if I need help or not. I tied a ligature around my neck so tight - I did it twice. The second I struggled to undo it.

I'm kind of scared, but I felt a sense of calm too. Don't really think I'm having normal thoughts. I don't know what to do.

And well done for keeping on top of the housework when you are feeling so low, by the way. It is just that they are trained that the environment is the first thing to go.

This has gone on for so long I need a break/a change of routine, something just to get myself out of this awful place.

I've had admission mentioned but then when I'm at breaking point I get told admission would be no benefit to me. Maybe due to my bpd diagnosis? I don't know. It would also put a hold on the therapy that everyone else has been relying on ( I have less faith it will work ).

I think it could be because I look well and the house is tidy and clean, I get out most of the time, see people etc. I know some people don't manage this, so maybe I am ok. But as a mum, I have to get up each morning, have food in etc. I'm wary of social services being involved again, they didn't help a lot so I do my best, although I think someone might do a better job than me. But I have to keep going until I make that decision.

I don't know if that makes any sense. I don't know myself what I want. The suicidal urges are so strong a lot of the time, and I'm struggling every day. But then I put on a smile, do the school run, do bathtime, bedtime, plan activities, then have times I have to hide away and bawl my eyes out, self harm and start planning how to end this.

Going to stop now as I'm in a cafe and going to start crying. I love dd and want to see her later, but this doesn't stop this desperate feeling that it will be better for everyone if I wasn't here. Yes I am on ad's btw

Sounds like some good advice from Consils. Can't add to it but just send you my support so you know people out there are thinking of you and care about you

I'm here too, MuM, nothing new to say but hope you are taking some of the good advice being offered here, and being kind to yourself xx

Hi please do not be ashamed of free school meals. I am sure the person who made you feel awful about that claims child benefit quite happily!! We have a system that means when we can work we pay taxes and for the times we cannot work there is support to help us. What a great system!

Admission is different for people with bpd as the usual mental health wards are not necessarily the best places for people with bpd and if you need admission it will not usually be long term and only to check you were stable. Nothing to worry about social services, they are there to risk assess and provide support. Yes if you were admitted they may get involved as a back ground support for you. And to check impact of dc etc but not always. My local hospital has shared rooms, with curtains to divide, 4 rooms to a bay. No named nurse to talk to each day and just a communal room with a tv on all day. So a different experience. Your team will know what services there are and what is best for you where you live. If you have bpd then sometimes people who have not managed the good group therapy that is the recommended best treatment for people with bpd then they sometimes fund inpatient treatment in a specialist centre for people with bpd... Usually for 6 months. That would be a long time form your dc so perhaps why they trying to support you at home? And hard to get funding.

It is very early days of therapy. Really. Try to not expect any major changes with it so early on. Perhaps ask your Cpn how the therapy is meant to help you? What to expect as it is different with bpd from say depression.

Would it help if your dc stayed with a relative for a few days to give you a chance for a good rest ( I say that longing for a few nights good sleep here but no family to offer such support!), or may that not help.

Sorry I have waffled too much. I am struggling and when I struggle I cannot write short sentences. Sorry.

I have no support at the moment for various reasons, and the only appt I could get today is with a locum GP. Feel really tearful and my head feels foggy. I feel dizzy like I haven't eaten but I have. Got asked by a couple of people at school if I was ok, thought I looked ok, but when I tried to answer I just came out with stuttering rubbish. Now worried that they think I'm strange or so stupid I can't even talk properly to anyone.

It's really good that you are seeing the doctor today, MuM. Well done for getting the appointment. The locum will have access to your notes so it doesn't matter that s/he hasn't seen you before. I hope you'll get the help you need today xx

Don't worry, no-one is thinking you are strange or stupid. In all honesty everybody is more concerned about what others think of THEM. They will be looking at you and your wonderful DD wondering how you manage to do everything so well. Not many people I know with kids who manage to keep their houses tidy!

There are plenty of people who will care about you. You are the most important person in the world to your DD. You are not a burden to anyone. Your thoughts aren't working quite properly at the moment, just the same as if any other part of your body had a problem. If you had broken your arm you wouldn't feel like a burden going to hospital and it's just the same as your situation. Don't be scared to accept their help, or to be admitted. They can help to fix you.

Just thinking of you this evening and hoping you are ok. Well done for being brave for your DD. Just because you are doing that doesn't mean you can't tell your GP how you really feel.

No one with the tiniest shred of empathy or worth knowing at all would ever judge someone for free school meals. Hopefully that was misconstrued.

Sending you positive thoughts. x

I'm losing it, but its my fault for missing some meds. Can't stop crying, getting into a panic, got tablets in my head but know I can't tonight. All my support are on holiday, so I feel alone and really awful.

Tablets in my hand not head. Getting everything wrong today, nothing seems real, it all feels strange.

MuM - we're here for you. You are not alone xx

MuM - we're here for you. You are not alone xx

Mum.

Do you have someone who could look after for dd for a few days or not.

xx

Yes we are here.

No one help with dd for a few days, might do next week.

Had about 4 hours sleep last night, feel so sick.

Do you have any plans for today, MuM? Maybe you could have a rest (even a sleep) while DD is at school? I'm here thinking of you and hoping you will take some steps towards helping yourself to get better today xx

You said you missed some medication. Taking regulate prescribed medication is the one thing you can do to try and help you right now. It is ok to take regular prescribed medication. Ignore the doses you missed and just take what you should take tonight and start again tomorrow. A few days to get it back in your system should really help you. And may help you sleep better as suddenly stopping medication can cause all sorts of side effects.

Hope tomorrow is a better day for you. Can you arrange to see a friend this week? Not the same as a professional or family support but sometimes just having a cup of tea and talking about the say for eg great British bake off prog on tv van be a lovely distraction !!

How are things today, MuM? I'm here and you're in my thoughts x

You OK, MuM? Thinking og you x

of

I need to have a rant. I'm really angry with everything/everyone but especially myself. Nothing has really happened, but feel like I'm getting no where. I hate myself so much, I hate the way I react to things, I hate the mum that I am. I don't want this! Jumping infront of a train is so tempting right now. Not planning this tonight obviously, but I don't understand why I'm here.

I don't understand my head, why I think the way I do. I don't get my illness, my treatment, what I'm meant to feel or how I'm supposed to feel. I talk rubbish at appts/therapy sessions. It all boils down to the fact I think I'd be better off dead, and others would be free of my nightmare self. The only problem is I'm terrified, and I'm a mum. I'm not stupid, I know no one can replace me, I've been told that a million times. But I see no point in carrying on, saying the same stuff to different people, all the effing time.

I feel like I'm making it up, that people think I enjoy being like this. I don't know what to do. It's shit, everything is. No one really cares, and even if they do, no one can do anything.

I am thinking I need to plan this properly, not be impulsive like before. Maybe prepare close ones a bit. Get some alcohol to give me the confidence, not bother talking to the professionals, they just put things on hold for a bit. I don't want another 4/8/12 years like this.

I'm sorry, I don't want to alarm anyone, I'm not at harm tonight. I just feel like I'm going crazy and this is the only place right now I can be honest but no one knows me.

Oh MuM, I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. You are so brave to keep going, looking after your DD, and things will change for the better if you can just hang in there. It can take a while to see the difference that therapy is making and that can make you feel as though you are getting nowhere. I can see that you don't enjoy being like this and you're not making it up. Can you show what you've written here to your cpn? Please be kind to yourself and try to get a good night's sleep xx

Rant away!! Anything that helps.

If I remember rightly you just started therapy. I know lots of people on here rate therapy highly but I am always cautious in suggesting it as with the NHS you get what you get and often wait ages for it so when it comes some people think or expect it to be a quick cure and fabulous. I think many experiences are not like that. It is hard, it is confusing and it is part of treatment for serious mental illnesses and not the whole picture. For people not under mental health teams and with stressful life events yes a short dose of talking treatment can talk wonders. But with some diagnosis it is about learning to accept things, take responsibility by making changes, learning how to interact with people- such as interpersonal effectiveness. And it is not easy. I could not manage group work, i reacted badly to it ( long story!)so had to eave the group and leave therapy as nothing else offered - and I am classed as not n right group for 6 sessions of cbt either.

But if you got therapy I would say try not to expect it to help in first few weeks or months but as part of your journey!!!

If you ignore ill health and lack of support or the NHS support there is what helps you that you are in charge of? What things can you put in place to make you feel better? I am a great believer in taking charge of our messed up minds and lives and doing what we can ourselves. What can you fill spare time with to make you feel better? Some councils run some great short daytime courses that are free or are free if not working etc. like craft ones to distract with. Or exercise classes. Or new skills?

I can't think about anything apart from feeling terrified in my own home. Every car that goes past I think it's someone coming to check on me. I've made things worse by ignoring friends phoning, I just can't talk to anyone. Got this fear that's come from nowhere, my chest is tight and hurting. My jaw is clenched, I can't relax. I've tried, I can't. Thought I was tired but can't sleep.

I've tried this week to change things, avoided alcohol and exercised but it still comes crashing down. My chest hurts so much.