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Original poster

I just did something (triggering)

341 replies

Messupmum · 09/08/2013 19:40

I don't know if I need help or not. I tied a ligature around my neck so tight - I did it twice. The second I struggled to undo it.

I'm kind of scared, but I felt a sense of calm too. Don't really think I'm having normal thoughts. I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
AndIFeedEmGunpowder · 25/08/2013 07:03

How are you this morning OP? I'm so sorry you had such an awful night.

oneandnomore · 25/08/2013 07:33

I hope you are safe this morning OP. Sorry that you were confused by the different advice last night. We all want for you to be ok.

Original poster
Messupmum · 25/08/2013 08:32

I feel shaky and dizzy, and so tired but didn't sleep well. The doctor rang back but I was too tired to get to the clinic, and couldn't drive, so managed to persuade him that I was ok and would call if I needed to.

I don't know what to do this morning. Thought about going to the walk in clinic, but I'm scared. Plus I'm in bed and feel really groggy.

OP posts:
xenzani · 25/08/2013 08:46

I don't have any advice but I am thinking of you.

I know it's really hard but please be honest with the doctor. Tell them how you really feel, all of it and just how desperate you are.

Take things slowly, hour by hour and keep posting.

MNHQ
OliviaMMumsnet · 25/08/2013 08:57

Hello OP
So sorry you're feeling like this here is a list of List of RL professionals who can help
Please do seek RL help
Kindest

jumpingpillows · 25/08/2013 10:06

If you want help and support you need to be honest with the team looking after you and allow them to make a proper clinical assessment about your care. If you told the Dr last night you were too tired/dizzy to drive they would have made arrangements to see you.

If you are currently sitting with items tied round your neck and taking pills then you must seek real life support from your mental health team. Mumsnet can support and help you too but we can not provide emergency 999 care for when you collapse. You say you know the clinic won't do anything - well it depends on how honest you are with them.

There are a lot of people on here that care for you and want to help you. You need to access appropriate services and be honest so you are cared for physically so people on here can give you emotional support while you are undergoing that care and treatment.

Stay safe.

Original poster
Messupmum · 25/08/2013 11:56

I'm sat in out of hours to get my leg looked at, will say how I'm feeling too.

OP posts:
AndIFeedEmGunpowder · 25/08/2013 12:07

Well done OP. We all want you to feel better.

oneandnomore · 25/08/2013 16:21

Well done for getting some help. We are here if you need us.

HoopHopes · 25/08/2013 17:40

Good to hear you have been able to get to out of hours to get your leg treated. Hope you not waiting too long.

HoopHopes · 25/08/2013 20:09

How did you get on at out of hours?

Original poster
Messupmum · 25/08/2013 20:49

Saw a lovely nurse, got my leg glued up and was meant to see a gp but I got too hot and panicky. and there were lot's of people there. So I told them i'd speak to a gp if I need to, and seeing cmht on wednesday.

Feeling really tearful this evening, don't want to see anyone. I'm a mess, mentally and physically, and hate the fact i'm scarring myself but I can't help it sometimes.

OP posts:
HoopHopes · 25/08/2013 22:27

Glad you got it treated ok. And you had the offer of a dr if you wanted it. You can still see an out of hours gp anytime over the bank holiday and they will have the records of your appointment with the nurse to make it easier for you.

bluecheque4595 · 25/08/2013 22:29

Thinking of you.

lazybint · 26/08/2013 19:56

Hi OP how are you feeling?

Original poster
Messupmum · 27/08/2013 07:22

I hate waking up each morning with that panicky feeling. The thought of another day to get through, scared of how I'm going to cope. Feel so dizzy and disorientated, really wobbly.

OP posts:
Trumpton · 27/08/2013 07:36

Sweetheart , all through your posts I hear my son's voice. He is battling through the same as you and all I can say to you is that it WILL improve.
But if you end your life it can never improve.
Someone out there will help you to find the coping mechanisms to improve your health.
It's a dark and lonely place where you are at the moment but the sun will shine again for you.

Original poster
Messupmum · 28/08/2013 16:35

Apparently I'm no where near to getting admitted?! So having thoughts and urges that are hard to control, and taking pills and using ligatures are normal then, and just something I need to get on with. I don't want to go to hospital and I didn't ask to, but I said I was worried about psychology saying I'm not stable enough to start with them, but I was told I would have to be in hospital for therapy to be put on hold.

I don't know why, but this made me feel no one ever takes me seriously, I try asking for help, and I know I'm getting it. But when things are really hard I think what's the point to telling anyone, as being suicidal isn't taken seriously.

I'm probably being really unreasonable, I just came out of the appt and cried, then came home, done 'mum' things while wishing I wasn't here and ways out. I don't know what I want, what I expect to happen, but I'm sick of meds being thrown at me and never working.

I'm sick of this life.

OP posts:
HoopHopes · 28/08/2013 23:01

Hi maybe they put therapy on hold when in hospital because usually when in hospital you are on close monitoring ( usually a hca with a clipboard has to just see you) and getting to and for therapy and not having anyone responsible for risk is too high a risk for the hospital ( being sued etc).

I totally hear you. Today I told someone I could not got on and got told see you next week. It is hard when we want help but in reality we are getting what is available on the NHS. Can you ask for help with coping strategies for you to use? I did. Got told distract, have tv on, phone Samaritans, plan nice and kind things, take responsibility for myself by not having dangerous things near me etc ... Sometimes they help, other times I just have to curl up in bed as all I can do to survive. And sometimes surviving is all we can do.

Sending you a hug as my words probably are no use! Xx

HoopHopes · 28/08/2013 23:02

When do you startsychology? Why not tell them in very first session what you wrote here to see if it helps?

absentmindeddooooodles · 28/08/2013 23:27

Have just read the thread. I hope you are ok op. Silly thing to say in the circumstances I know. But it will gwt better. Get through this for your family. You are being so strong. Everyone on here is here for you too. I have no great advice but sending you hugs and support. If you are anywhere near me then please please dont hesitate to message me if theres anything I can do. Even if its just getting some shopping or sitting and having a cuppa xx

Original poster
Messupmum · 28/08/2013 23:32

Your words are of a big use actually, as I feel exactly the same and it can be a lonely place to be. So I appreciate you posting when you're feeling rubbish yourself, it makes me feel I'm not the only one feeling let down .

I told them about the weekend, and worsening thoughts, and I get told I will get no follow up psychiatrist appt, and can see my cpn next week or in 3 weeks!

I have been told to use those exact coping strategies. I find they hardly work, and staying in bed is the only way of keeping safe. They don't listen when I say I don't always want to stay safe, I want to hurt myself!

Hope you're ok tonight Hoophopes, I should be asleep as exhausted all the time, but then get too anxious to sleep. I really, really hate this.

OP posts:
LittleDragon · 29/08/2013 01:41

Messupmum I have been where you are, please believe me when I say things can get better! You may feel you are a burden to your friends and family but you are not!
If you need someone to talk to you can pm me on here and I will do whatever I can to help, I am unable to work through disability so I am around a lot of the time!

HoopHopes · 29/08/2013 10:44

Messedup, what I have learnt is that I have to do this myself really. Sometimes I forget that and hope to be rescued by the NHS, or anyone really, as am so low but in slightly brighter moments I realise I have to do things that help me as no one else will. Some of those coping strategies do work such as the tv on as background but not in a great change of mood way. Someone explained the science of having something else to focus on and since I remembered that ( brain too mush to type it) I try to use that one at least.

I got to rock bottom yesterday, told the Cpn that and got told see you next week. I think logically medication, a Cpn and counselling ( not that I got more than 5 sessions) is all the NHS has.

So today my mission is on helping myself as that is the only person I can rely on. It is hard as my self destruct button is so huge right now. But I have to try. I know sunshine helps my mood so am trying to get dressed today and out the house. Need to cook vegetables and eat nice food. Take my child to a park or something. Watch something I recorded off the tv tonight. Well those are my goals.

What are you hoping to do today? All psychiatrists do are diagnose and medication so I never find them helpful for ongoing care and most gp's or Cpn's can sort medication I find if there is a problem with it.

Sorry major waffle there!

Original poster
Messupmum · 30/08/2013 08:54

Argh, I don't want to get dressed, I don't want to eat, clean, go out, do anything! I've had enough, I'm tired. I went to bed so early last night as I couldn't face anything, but still have no energy.

I have to get up though. Otherwise I get moaned at, one week left until school then I can hide away more.

OP posts: