I just did something (triggering)

[Messupmum]

I don't know if I need help or not. I tied a ligature around my neck so tight - I did it twice. The second I struggled to undo it.

I'm kind of scared, but I felt a sense of calm too. Don't really think I'm having normal thoughts. I don't know what to do.

It seems quiet here atm, or maybe no one reads this. Anyway I find it helps to vent. I feel crap, emotional but can't cry, anxious and over protective then don't care, scared then feel relief that I could easily end all this. I get overwhelmed with emotions, then feel totally flat and unable to feel anything for anyone.

I find stories about mums who have killed themselves and I can't stop reading it. I read about how children move on and can do well. Trying to reassure myself. Then I think, I need to label school clothes and get school term started first? Wtf? I'm so confused and I badly want to hurt myself. I think a cut is a bit infected, but I don't feel the need to get it looked at, I don't deserve to, it was my fault! Sorry for venting rubbish.

Dear M.U.M.

I won't call you MessUp because you aren't messed up - you're just struggling with things a bit at the moment, and that can change. Anyway, your nickname spells MUM to me, and that's how your DCs see you too. You are obviously holding things together for their sake, and you can be proud of yourself for that.

I've been lurking on your thread since you first posted, and thinking about you. All I can say is that there are plenty of stories, especially here, of mothers who have been through what you're going through and coming out the other side, glad that they didn't give in to the urges, not only for their children's sakes but so that they could enjoy the future which for you is just around the corner, out of sight at the moment, but it's there.

Lots of people here have been helped by calling or texting the Samaritans. Could that work for you? Would you get some satisfaction from sorting out those school name tapes? Try to do something that will make you feel good about yourself, however small it might seem. More importantly, get a good night's sleep. Have you been taught the 7/11 breathing technique? Count to 7 for the in-breath, 11 as you exhale. This will calm you down, I promise, and help you to get to sleep. Tomorrow is another day, a fresh start, and you will be OK.

You are not alone. i'm thinking of you and will check in tomorrow x

Thank you. I am messed up though, and been reading childhood diaries and I've always been messed up!

I have used the Samaritans a lot in the past, but feel I'm beyond their help now. Sorry if that sounds ungrateful, I just need someone to be firm and blunt, not just listen to me moaning.

I think this is me, my life, and just the way I am. I don't think it's good for those close to me. Seeing me like this, getting worse instead of better.

I hate myself for saying this, and it sounds so wrong. But I feel like giving up, I don't know if I want to try to keep safe, to take meds, to fight this. I sound selfish, but its too hard.

OK, here's a firm and blunt reply. I'm going to bed now, and you should do the same. Doesn't matter if you can't get to sleep, just keep breathing in and breathing out. If unwelcome thoughts come into your head, notice them, and let them know you will deal with them tomorrow. I get the feeling you want to get better, it's just a matter of finding the energy to seek the help you need. Please look after yourself, you are worth it. I'm sure others will be along to give you advice soon, and I'll be back in the morning.

Hope you had a good night's sleep, M.U.M. and that today will be a better one for you. Keep posting here if it helps x

Feeling a bit wobbly, got a lot of things happening next week, big changes. I know that could be making me more anxious.

It's good that you recognise there is a reason for your anxiety. Take it one step at a time and keep breathing deep and calming breaths x

It's all about taking it one step at a time and using the support you have both here and in RL. Its a good sign that you're able to recognise your anxiety and the reason behind it. You are strong enough to get through this!

Hope today has been better, M.u.M x

Today was ok, had a day with family, but its now I realise how distant I was and how detached I felt. I feel everyone hates me, irrational though I know.

Feeling sorry for myself tonight, though I have no right to. I feel I'm doing everything wrong ( even feeling bad my dd has a bike too small for her?!) and the fact I'm not working right now, god just everything! The therapy might help these thoughts, but I feel too far gone iykwim.

Actually feeling really odd right now, even typing this, my fingers don't feel like mine. I can't describe it, but its like my body isn't mine and isn't working properly. Keep making mistakes, feel numb.

Could easily walk away right now, I don't feel like I'm here. Very disorientated. I could do anything right now, it's like I'm somebody else. This probably doesn't make sense. I don't even know what I've done for the past few hours.

MuM - I've just re-read your whole thread and even if it doesn't feel like it to you, I can see that you have made progress since your first post. You are engaging with people, both in rl and on here, and the therapy will help with your thoughts. It's OK to feel sorry for yourself, and good to express that. You're brave to admit to your feelings, and if you can just keep going, things can get better. Rest well, and I hope the big changes you mentioned in the coming week will be positive ones.
x

Hope you got the name tapes sorted too and all the busyness for next week and term starting.

So angry about everything this morning, everyone's annoying me, I don't deserve to be here anymore! I am messed up, I know I am.

Now I'm crying and I don't know what to do. Got to try and hide it.

Dear MuM
It's OK to be messed up - you have recognised that and want to do something about it. You're only human, and you do deserve to be here. Can you get out in the sunshine with your DC today and distract yourself a bit? Don't expect too much of yourself when you're feeling so vulnerable - celebrate small achievements instead of beating yourself up for the things you can't manage.
x

I tried to do some school work books with dd but she's so stubborn and I end up getting cross, it all goes wrong and I'm in my room crying again. I hate myself. I'd do anything to stay in bed right now. I feel so alone.

Can you get a friend round today, MuM? Trynto make things easier for yourself if you can. Your DD won't mind not doing school work, I'm sure, so find something very simple that doesn't require too much of your precious and limited energy. Stay safe x

Hi, school will be soon starting so I can see your dd not wanting to do work as children just love play!! And they can learn so much through play as well! If make a cake they can measure and weigh, mix, could down time for oven, count cakes out ( if little ones), count decorations etc.

It is so hard being a parent and having health issues. Esp in holiday times. I find a structure suits me best, and I currently take my dc to the library once a week- a walk, someone to say hello to and an activity dc likes. Hard to get motivated I know.

I get the feeling people in RL are thinking how selfish I am. They keep trying to put the guilt-trip on me. Making me feel ashamed and embarrassed, so I end up covering up what I am thinking/doing to protect them and myself. I can't cope with the shame anymore, I am thinking of the right time to do it. I will get told there is no right time but I believe there is. I don't want to leave but I can't carry on.

Who is it in real life that is saying those things to you? Are they just not able to say the right things to help you because they do not have those skills?

I have been bad this past week and one friend who used to be so helpful was just really useless and did not even bother to see me, despite knowing she was not busy etc. I got myself into a right state and my messed up brain told me all sorts of critical things. But at the end of the day I have to keep telling myself no one else matters, and I have to show kindness to myself no matter what others say.

So as your brain is trying to keep you alive ( yes it is as I was told when we think of ways out, ie suicide, it is because we have not learnt or accepted other and more safer ways!!) what can you do tonight and tomorrow to be kind to yourself? And by the way it is ok to have a good day or two- you will not lose professional support because you are doing ok. I fell into that trap, thinking I had to tell them all the bad bits all the time and I got told no point giving me a treatment as I was not responding enough--- so it is ok to think good thoughts and do ok and safe things you can tell your brain. You can tell yourself it is ok to be safe, tucked up in bed with a game like candy crush, a magazine, a DVD, to paint toe nails and to plan nice meals to cook etc. it is so easy for our brains to focus only on mental health, that they forget about nice things.

Sorry I a, typing what I need to do myself. So off to bed with a magazine to distract my brain! Hope tomorrow ok.

MuM - I am thinking of you and hope today has been a bit easier for you.

HoopHopes, you are so right when you say about feeling you can't say about good moments to the professionals. I think I do that because I am scared of being left alone. Though this is because the lows outweigh the highs, and this horrible mental illness is taking over right now, affecting every day. I might have an hour or so sometimes when I think, this is what it must be like to be 'normal'. But then it goes.

Maybe it's my fault, I let the bad stuff take over, I can't control the urges sometimes, and its so scary. The bad thoughts are so overwhelming.

I find keeping the house in order helps my mind feel more in order, so I try to keep on top of that. It can be obsessive though. I feel rubbish about myself and even if I make an effort I have no self esteem. I want to cry.

And thank you Sij, it helps to know someone is there listening. X

Few words right now but am here!! Think professionals like to hear good bits as it gets them to see you as a person if that makes sense. It was when I was told I was losing support as not got better that I realised the trap I fell into.

Oh and organised house, wow!!