Please or to access all these features

Mental health

Mumsnet hasn't checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you have medical concerns, please seek medical attention.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

I just did something (triggering)

341 replies

Messupmum · 09/08/2013 19:40

I don't know if I need help or not. I tied a ligature around my neck so tight - I did it twice. The second I struggled to undo it.

I'm kind of scared, but I felt a sense of calm too. Don't really think I'm having normal thoughts. I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
Messupmum · 03/09/2013 23:15

I need to let this out somewhere, even though I'm ashamed. As again I'm thinking there's only one way out of this. I'm lying in bed crying, wishing I was alone so I can take the pills I've been stockpiling. I've hit rock bottom again, but scared of saying something, scared of keeping it to myself. Starting therapy very soon, but I don't know if I can, I just want to be free from everything, and allow everyone to carry on with their lives without me being a constant worry/burden.

OP posts:
HoopHopes · 03/09/2013 23:53

Hi. Sorry a tough night. Is it the thought of therapy that is making things harder for you right now?

HoopHopes · 04/09/2013 00:01

Do you know what type of therapy you are having and who with? I would imagine the first few sessions will be quite light and just about getting to know you, learning about how they work and their rules etc ( they usually tell you all the admin stuff etc).

If I tell you about my experience it may help. I met the lady, she told me about how she worked- when meet, where meet, number of sessions allocated, length of time (50 mins, how weird I thought but they see someone every hour and have a ten min gap so sensible!!), what type of treatment they offered - eg CBT etc. then asked me what I wanted out of it, any questions I had etc.

It is not a magic cure. It is about helping you work out things and depending in the type of talking therapy as to the outcome. It can help only of prepared to use it and make changes. It does not work if not prepared to use it and it is not a life long provision by the NHS so useful to think about what want out of it. It can help alongside medication, support services etc. if after a few sessions you do not click with the person it is worth telling them that. I once had some private counselling and really clicked with the lady but after lots of sessions had to accept she was not helping me, however nice the sessions were - but it was my money and it was not a good use of it sadly.

Hope tomorrow calmer. Do you have any other support people you can contact, as therapist often do not allow contact between sessions, so often people have a care co ordinator ( a Cpn, to or sw) they can contact between sessions.

The best advice I was given when I had my sessions was to be myself and do not pretend to be someone else as they can not treat what they see!!!

Hope you can cuddle up in bed and have nice drink, or read or distract on Internet or a game or something ( which is what I am doing!!!)

Night night x

Sijeunessesavait · 04/09/2013 11:33

Please don't be ashamed MuM - you have been very brave to be so honest here. Hold on to what you said on Monday - "I don't want to leave". It is hard for you at the moment, but there are people who can help you if you let them. Has your DD gone back to school now? I hope you can concentrate on yourself and your recovery today. September is a good time for fresh starts - would it be helpful to visualise yourself going back to school this term, new pencil case and all, and working on the project that is YOU? There will be teachers (therapists) to help you with your work. You don't have to do this all by yourself, but you DO have to do it if you are going to achieve your goal of not leaving. I really hope you will x

Messupmum · 04/09/2013 14:42

Hi, today is quite hard, feelings of paranoia and that I'm being judged, even by kids. Think that cars going past are going to stop and people are going to turn up at mine.

The therapy is group therapy, I have no idea what to expect. It's long term. I haven't showered today, place is getting messy and I haven't done things I needed to do. I want to ring my cpn but I don't know her that well and I don't know what to say so there's no point really.

OP posts:
HoopHopes · 04/09/2013 19:01

I hope this afternoon has gone ok. It is ok to want to ring a Cpn even if you do not do it. Do you see her regularly? I find if there are things I want to talk about I write them down for next session, would that help you?

Ah yes start of term, will that give you a bit if time to start doing things at home. I find house jobs overwhelming so try to do just one thing a day right now.

Sijeunessesavait · 05/09/2013 09:06

I'm still here, MuM. Hope you will find some positives today x

Messupmum · 05/09/2013 09:11

Hallucinating again, great, just what I need today.

Cpn is new so I haven't had a proper appt with her yet.

OP posts:
yellowballoons · 05/09/2013 09:18

I can see that you are finding it all new and scary. But glad you have got long term group therapy.

It means that if it doesnt go well today, or quite how you hoped, there are always more sessions.

Messupmum · 05/09/2013 20:09

Sometimes there is just too much going on all at once and my head can't cope with it all. I kind of feel on the edge of a breakdown, I keep trying to say to people I'm not looking forward to such and such, or finding a situation hard, and I get told to enjoy things more, or just get through it, to stop worrying.

I feel really upset that once again I'm finding it hard to talk to professionals, probably because I've had lots of changes and sometimes I'm so open and honest, then nothing happens anyway.

Sitting here crying, dreading tomorrow as so much happening. Started group therapy this week and to be honest I don't know how it's going to stop me wanting to end it all.

OP posts:
Messupmum · 05/09/2013 22:41

I really, really don't want to carry on. Just want the courage to do it.

OP posts:
Ijustbluemyself · 05/09/2013 22:43

Have you called the Samaritans? They might help you get through this tonight x

yellowballoons · 05/09/2013 22:52

I dont think that you should be told to enjoy things more.

Am a bit confused as only just got back to here. What is happening tomorrow? You had the group therapy on wednesday this week?

HoopHopes · 05/09/2013 23:45

Do you have other professional support other than your group therapy, a care co-ordinator perhaps. Oh if I remember right you just have a new Cpn. Well they do not tend to do therapy as such but can co- ordinate care and liaise between gp, dr's, therapy leaders and help manage medication and practical help.

I think group therapy, ESP long term is meant to be great ( not had chance of it) but because it is not 6-8 sessions then it tends to be more gentle to start with and therefore you may not think it is helpful to start with as it takes time to settle into it. Perhaps ask your Cpn why you got given long term group therapy?

I know it sounds trite but the Samaritans can be great. Not to solve things, but to ring or text just to offload in person. Sometimes being heard is helpful.

You say when you are open and honest nothing happens, but you have a Cpn now and longer term therapy which is at least a start to giving you help. I guess it may not feel like an answer, but believe me itcan be very hard to get anything out of mental health services!! Is there something you are wanting and needing help with that is not being met? Can you ask directly for what you want? Is there something about tomorrow that is hard?

Really sorry to ear things are so tough. Am trying not to say just get through it, but someone told me today I should be proud of having got myself through the last few weeks and actually sometimes just carrying on is an achievement. Lets hope in a few weeks it can be more than that for both of us!!

Hugs

AndIFeedEmGunpowder · 06/09/2013 04:25

Just thinking of you and hoping you are ok.

Sijeunessesavait · 06/09/2013 11:50

Hi MuM

Sending supportive wishes for whatever you have to cope with today. My favourite Winston Churchill quote is:
"If you're going through hell, keep going"

Hope that might help you today xx

Messupmum · 06/09/2013 11:57

I don't think I've said whats going on today, just changes I need to cope with, don't want to give too much away as too paranoid.

I just feel sick today, constantly sweaty and headachy. Feel like I'm always saying the wrong things to whoever I speak to, as I over compensate and talk rubbish.

Due to stuff going on today, I haven't got a chance to ring my cpn, even though I think I need to talk to someone. I'll have to wait until next week if I can. I have used the Samaritans in the past, just haven't recently and don't know why.

OP posts:
yellowballoons · 06/09/2013 12:19

Ring the Samaritans if you need to.

HoopHopes · 06/09/2013 19:34

Can you book An appointment to see her on mon so talk face to face.

Hope today better than you feared

Sijeunessesavait · 07/09/2013 18:35

How are you doing today, MuM? Just wanted you to know that you're in my thoughts. No need to reply if you've got too much going on, or just don't feel like it!
x

Messupmum · 07/09/2013 22:47

Driving around, want to succumb to the urges!

OP posts:
AndIFeedEmGunpowder · 07/09/2013 22:56

Get yourself to a safe place Mess and then call Samaritans and speak to them. We all want you to stay safe.

yellowballoons · 07/09/2013 23:04

I am here too. Agree with the previous poster.

yellowballoons · 07/09/2013 23:11

How far away are you from home? Please drive safely home.

yellowballoons · 07/09/2013 23:15

Last week you said that you need someone to be firm and blunt.

I am now going to be firm and blunt.

DRIVE HOME SAFELY NOW. AND I MEAN NOW.