that light at the end of the tunnel isnt a train....stay on track!

[ThatVikRinA22]

thought we had better have a new one - old one nearly full. Think this is our 4th thread now....

linky to old one here

so, here we go....title a little more optimistic than i feel but im sure i will get back on track soon.....not doing bad particularly, just feeling a bit consumed with things....work is so intense. id forgotten.

anyway....nuff of me. over to you guys....
hope everyone manages to find us to say "hi"....welcome old and new.

Smart. I like the oncoming train coming to get you vs hopeful daylight at the end of the tunnel. And how we can see each on consecutive days!

Thanks vicar x

Hope you're okay, chuck. x

Marking place

Hi all, did F All today, but relaxed into it. Lovely day, should be gardening, but am not stressing (much!) that I mostly flopped - naps, MN and telly. Had 2 consecutive productive days before that, so not totally undeserved.

Oh and I finally had another bath! Had to do my bath-running strategy though, to get myself to do it. Needed one cos needed to try on new swimsuit from Asda, in case I had to return it. Had been attempting to find state where wanted to have bath for 3 whole days before today, as wanted to go to Asda! but coulldn't till had tried on clothes bought last time I was there.

Not v good at juggling life!

Hello there, I'm new to this thread series but have been feeling terrible for several weeks now - I'm going between wanting to burst into tears and terrible rage - I have no idea what is wrong with me.
I tried to book an appointment at the doctors today to be told htey were full - they nearly always are, I nearly burst into tears over that one too.

I feel like I've been taken over by a crazy depressed mad person - anyone else felt like this? There has beeen no specific event to trigger it, I have no idea what has happened to me.

Hi miggsie

It is sooo difficult when you can't see the triggers because then you can't make any sense of it so you get more depressed, anxious, etc. And you understand less.

Take 1 day at a time. 1 task at a time and hang on in there.

Me. Well I got up. Got dressed level 3 :)
Been to therapist. Been told I set myself challenges that are too big. Then fail. Then beat myself up. Then withdraw and small tasks don't get done. So my challenges become bigger so I fail more...makes sense.

My challenge for today...to finish 2 lots of crochet. I've been told to go and sit in the sun to do it. So I came home. My upper half of body is dressed to level 3. My lower half level 1. I am in bed because I've been sat on a hard chair and my bottom hurts. But I've opened my curtains so I can see the sun :)

migsie sorry to hear you are feeling bad. did you actually make an appointment? even though not for today. This is urgent really, so do that if you haven't done so already.

Ed I so recognise that pattern

Oh Vicar - i did laugh at the thread title, in fact, i actually LOL'd! You weren't to know, but trains are my nemesis at the moment as it is my fear that I will throw myself in front of one But the thread title made me laugh and laugh so thanks, i think it was the irony!

Miggsie - most of us on this thread will have felt like you do, its usually down to anxiety. Can you tell us why you are feeling like this, what it is that is bothering you? Do push for that appointment though - you don't have to do this on your own.

I'm not doing well :( I need to get a job, even a part time job would do but I am struggling with simple tasks in the home, my anxiety level is that high. I texted the MH woman but she hasn't got back to me. I didn't feel like talking, i dont want to make a phone call. and now its the weekend, but DP is home so thats something. Im just crap when im on my own - was short with DD again this morning - i hate this.

I just did the GAD-7 thing that you did Ed 19/21 with further action recommended for a score over 10. I really think i'm heading for a breakdown here and i am running out of places to ask for help. I am frightened. I don't feel like me

Ok LEM

You have recognised that you need help. First step accomplished.

I think the highest I scored on that one was 18. I'm still here :)

I scored 7 last time and therapist was happy with that in fact she was positively jumping. 7 isn't far of 10 so I think the cut off points are semi arbitrary. Further action also indicates you need to consider treatment. Iirc you are on fluoxetine so you are recieving treatment.

I scored 11 this morning. Imo it is more useful for looking at progress and regression over time than a snapshot as interpretation of the questions can vary depending on frame of mind.

Having said all that huge hugs are flying your way.

As of today I am off my section 3 I'm thinking about getting some celebratory food from the co-op, or if I'm feeling really motivated going to nando's alone this afternoon.

Snowy - nandos sounds fab I don't nkow what section 3 is but im pleased to hear you are off it because it is a cause for celebration. I love their spicy rice in nandos. Sorry i can't enthuse more as my DP just bought me a McD home - which i have scoffed and now feel a bit because i have chicken legs to cook for dinner tonight and dont fancy them much. Hey ho, imsure i'll squeeze them in!

So, feeling better for DP's flying visit but still very shakey. He has voiced concerns about the medication and someone else has suggested i change meds. The only thing is i don't think i'll be able to persuade my GP as i have only been on these for two months, i feel i need to give them some more time - I texted the the MHwoman, she texted and said to ring the counselling team - i just got fobbed off though as they have a big waiting list and they are behind :( I feel that i really NEED to talk to someone to get my head in a more positive place, i know wht i need to do but i can't do it on my own. Was really bad this week, but its the long weekend now so i know i will be OK as i will DP and DD to keep me safe. Its when they go back to work and school, i feel like Lucy Jordan :( DP said he will come to the doctors with me next week, so i'll make an appointment on monday - this has got to stop.

Hugs to everyone - at least the sun is out, i am going to take my DD for an ice cream after school (because she is lovely)

Lem I know it is only thoughts, but going under a train is not fair on the train driver - they often have a breakdown and have to give up work - but maybe knowing that may help get rid of your thoughts? Ask for help, and please don't think a job is a cureall, though some vol work might help.

Snowy that is great news you are off your section. Luckily I have Thornton's choc cake (on offer in Morrisons) so will celebrate with a slice or two

It meant that I was just on leave from hospital and they could have told me to come back at any time. Now they can't

Enjoy the ice cream LEM Enjoy the cake silvery

When I got to nando's I cashed in my loyalty card and got 1/2 a chicken free, nice.

Hi LeM am I right that you are on 20 mg Citalpram daily? Just looked back on thread . The highest dose recommended now is 40mg I think re guidelines.
So after 2 months on 20mg I would think that either your GP may advise an increase or you need to change medication . Cross taper with guidance. Meds often have to be tweeked or changed I have been told [but I am no expert ]. Ones used seem to be Venlafaxine ,Sertraline Mirtazapine . Nowt to lose by asking . Thinking of you it is awful feeling like this x
Am sure others here will know more though .
I cannot tolerate SSRis so am on the older tricyclics like Nana.
So pleased you have a lovely DP and enjoy that ice cream with your daughter

Snowy wonderful news re being off your section . Yay to getting some nice food where you feel comfortable with . Can you maybe do a little internet shop for something to wear or hobby wise ? You deserve a treat and it always good to get something from the postman that doesnt include junk or bills . I went click happy yesterday which I will regret re clothes .
But got some scarf knitting kits on ebay cheaply which are nice and easy /make good gifts for those that like that sort of thing . Hope you get some nice things to eat and drink .x

ED thank goodness you are back . Agree with your therapist and we all need to take heed of her words . Are the girls with you this weekend?

Vicar grand title ........indeed there is light . The brain fog and distress obscures it sometimes but it does peek out now and then and we all move forward another step .
Hope your son is feeling better and recovering . So pleased you have been out riding and with your beloved horses . Watched the race horses on the gallops again today and on the carousel at the farm nearby . The jockeys stuff their pockets with hay and grass to gently encourage the young ones on the carousel. Sweet. It is nearly foal time and my heart will be lost . Keep the bigger picture in your heart VICAR when at work and downcast. You will find your way through this . x

Nina Everytime you post is lovely. Reminds me of a programme with Maureen Lipman called "Ladies of Letters" . Only now it is on Mumsnet .
You seem so much better . I know you have some awful days but the horror seems to be diluted a little now? Motivation is my problem also . Cant get started on anything remotely work orientated house or garden .
I dont have lots of details re posters in my lovely Indian crafted notebook [which I adore and look at a lot] other than basics . Most notes are how to turn the damn telly on and instructions re fusebox . I do recommend one though Nana for writing in all your thoughts /stuff we cant recall /addresses and those pesky passwords for all online . It has to be a nice one though with good pen .

Hope you have a calm and content weekend and hug x

Love to CIQ ,SPC and Catmint ....Helles if she is reading x

Hello to Miggsie so nice to meet you . I think we all understand the mood swings and distress here . Your first move is the right one and see your doctor as soon as possible for meds /therapy .
You will feel a shift off your shoulders once that hurdle is over . Stay with us and post x

In another random world I would so love to have you all here chez moi for coffee/tea /wine and some food . Bank holidays are so lonely sometimes . The house is a tip but I in my dreams know you would all tip up with nice things to eat and ignore the mess . We could You Tube our favourite songs and Vicars rats could come too . Keep em in the bathroom for those not keen .

take care all and enjoy the sun lovely ladies while it lasts .

The psych ha d a few well-chosen words on how someone's living conditions tend to reflect what's happening in their mind, so I'm trying to start tidying/decluttering. She is probably right about the latter.

I had chicken, chips, peas at Nandos, so that was nice.

Virtual party sounds a good plan

Nice meal Snowy . Agree with your psych re clutter and our living conditions . Messy mind ,messy house . We try dont we ?

A virtual party sounds so nice . I would love that .

No ice cream for me - i don't like it But i have had a lovely evening - fluctuating, much?? Spent some time with school mums so that the kids could play together and have ice cream. I then ended up walking along the beach with DD and going to have a beer outside the pub on the beach - met DP, skimmed some stones and then came home and had a bath - almost perfect really. That GOD its the weekend.

Will see how i go over the weekend and then make appointment to discuss with GP. I think i will make a point of telling her i am very up and down. I think she is half expecting to see me back there as the easter holidays i was mostly ok.

Chicken sounds lovely Snowy

Silvery - the reason the train thing is an issue for me is that in the past few years there have been several suicides on the railway crossing near where i live. I knew two of the people - not well, but to say hello and pass the time with, it has played on my mind an awful lot and when im very down its an image that replays. My dad, who was lovely, used to work on the railway and used to have to attend these scenes - just awful. My old neighbour was a train driver - i bumped into him one day, funilly enough on the train and he was on his way back from a counselling session - he had run someone over, a suicide :( I hope he managed to move on from it. The irony being that, probably due to my dad working on the railway and the memories train travel is one of the only forms of transport i really feel comfortable with. I am ok in DPs car, but get really nervous if anyone else driving - and as for flying,ahahaahahaha!! So whilst theres scary thoughts surrounding trains, also comforting ones.

How is the crochet going Ed? Can't wait to see the pictures.

Hello to everyone and well done Vicar for finding a nice title. Didn't realise it was Thread No. 4!

Your post made me smile SPC and thank you so much for the PM. I will need to go back and re-read as you have provided such a lot of helpful info. Thank you for your kind words too.

Hi Miggsie and welcome. We are all struggling (or recovering) or having ups and downs, with our mental health. Can you come back and tell us a bit more about yourself, so you have any RL support, and do you have small children.

Most of us really do know the torment of mental illness, the most common one is anxiety and depression, but there are others too. You really do need to see a GP and tell him/her what your symptoms are - can you write them down in bullet points and hand it over, or use it as an aide memoir in case you forget things once in the surgery. It doesn't matter if you burst into tears.

Don't know whether you know that mental illness is very common, and 1 in 4 people will suffer at some time in their life. If this is your first experience of it, that will make it all the more terrifying. Unfortunately you won't get the surgery again till next Tuesday because of the bank holiday, but on Tuesday you must phone for an appt and tell them it's urgent. I know when we are feeling so awful it's hard to be assertive, but you (or someone close to you) needs to insist that you are seen. You won't be telling the GP anything he/she hasn't heard dozens (possibly hundreds of times) before. Can you come back and tell us a bit more. We will understand - honest.

Lem sorry you are still struggling and as someone else mentioned, maybe you need the citalopram dose increased to 30 or 40mg. It's difficult to just get the right balance and it is to a large extent, trial and error which makes it all the more difficult. I think if you aren't getting any better, you should ask for a referral to a physiciatrist as they are more knowledgeable about treatments. Who is the MH woman that you mention?

Ed maybe you need to explain the levels to newcomers. Just on the subject of dress, I had a new psychiatrist come to see me last month (had a pretty ghastly Jan and Feb) and got in touch with my CPN and she referred me to this psych. He was very nice (unlike the other one- who was intimidating) My CPN gave me a copy of his letter to her about me and the para that sticks in my mind is "Mrs N was dressed in casual clothes and was a reasonably kempt elderly lady!!" It was the reasonably that got me, and although I am 69 I don't think of myself as elderly, but as far as the NHS is concerned you are elderly if you are over 65. He's coming again early in June to review my progress, so I will try to be aim for "well kempt"......
Basset the feeling is mutual - I remember the Lady of Letters and it was serialised on Radio 4 and I loved it. I think Patricia Routledge was one of the "ladies" in the communication - I remember "Dear Irene....." but then my memory fades..........I sometime have fantasies about us all meeting up, but it's scary isn't it...nice thought though.

Snowymouse so glad you are off the section and were able to celebrate at Nandos.
Sorry if I've missed anyone

Hi all, am sitting in a queue to exit theatre car park, just seen midnight tango with strictly people. It was lovely.

lem sorry to hear things are so up and down. Def sounds like a trip to the doc is in order with that score. The end of yr day sounded really nice.

Im on phone so can't reply properly but just wanted to say everyone's advice and support has been fab today. Happy Friday night to all you lively ladies. Fluctuating? Me? I'm making the most of it
Xxxx

Lively - maybe but meant to say lovely

evening everyone.

welcome to miigsie - do make that appointment - its the first step to feeling better. Just make it for the next appointment you can get - at least then you know you are doing something to feel better in the long term.

Ive had a blitz of the house today. i look a wreck, but dont really care. I managed to tidy the entire house, walk the dog, hang out washing and then play with the ratty girls, had a bath, am ready for bed. having a couple of glasses of wine, but will get to bed soon. might have another cuddle of the jewel girlies first.

Well done snowy - great news re the section. You do sound much better.

lem - there is light at the end of the tunnel - but you dont have to stand on the tracks to see it. I hope you are ok.

I need to put my request in for part time working tomorrow....i really dont want to go to work at all but ill be fine once im there. And its only until 2pm.

basset thank you again - and i did really enjoy my day at the stables. i forgot how much id missed it and the poor RI thought id gone elsewhere. I will try to remember to take pics next week - it was such a gorgeous day too and being out in the sun was a tonic. RI is on the look out for a horse for me - she is desperately in need of a horse to use in the school for adults so i think i will have my own by the end of the year. That would do me the world of good - and give me a reason to keep working.

right, going to give my ratty girls a cuddle (if i can keep the dog off them - she gets so jealous)

hugs to everyone, and will be back tomorrow.

Hi all.

Glad you have had a more positive evening lem.

Glad you have had a good day at the stables vicar

Glad you are off your section 3 snowy. Ive never been to nandos but I love their sauce on a kebab :o

What else can I be glad for :o?

So today.

I got up early with dtds for birthday
I was level 3 to take dd3 to breakfast club (I'm normally 1.5) I will copy and paste the levels from the last thread in a mo
I wrote my therapy diary
I went to therapy.
I came home. Opened my curtains and crochet in bed. I haven't quite finished them but hope I will tomorrow and then picks will be up. Really pleased with the both but gutted they weren't finished in time for birthday.
Had afternoon nap (slept badly last night)
Walked to school to collect dd3
Planned food for whole long weekend and been to tesco so don't have to go out again.
Mcdonnalds for tea
Washing in machine
Spoke to my mum for 40mins. I was really anxious about this. It is a year tomorrow since the love of her life passed away and I don't know how to deal with that.
Played board games with dcs
And now I am going to bed.

Very disappointed with myself over failing to finish crochet but pleased with my other acheivements. House is a tip so need to address that over weekend.

Night all. We most definitely must get together for a virtual party :)

Oh and I have 1 mouse less in my garage...found one dead in the bin. Suspect it was scavaging for food and then couldn't get out because the bin was now empty and too deep...

Ed, you did loads yesterday - thats brilliant, shame about the mouse though.

Level 1 here, i really need to change my trousers and make plans for the day - im still obsessing about not being able to look for work and had a little cry to DP. I think ive upset him.

Vicar, im so glad you have had a nice time at the stables, it certainly will give you something to hold on to when work is tough. A lovely positive thing, for you - that is so important. I think we forget about ourselves too much.

CIQ - glad you liked the theatre, i haven't been for ages, the last thing i saw was the rocky horror show

I hope that everyone has a good weekend - im looking out the window and feeling a little piqued that it seems to be cloudy and windy. I think I will let DD go to pony club then DP and I can get a couple of hours to ourselves and go for a walk.

Hello to Nana, Snowy, Silvery, basset xxx

Miggsie - i hope you come back, please don't be put off by the fact that everyone seems to know everyone - we really just pick up as we go along with day to day stuff, I don't know anyone's backstories really and find this thread is good for coping wiht the here and now but we are all happy to listen to what it is that is making you feel bad. No-one judges on this thread.