that light at the end of the tunnel isnt a train....stay on track!

[ThatVikRinA22]

thought we had better have a new one - old one nearly full. Think this is our 4th thread now....

linky to old one here

so, here we go....title a little more optimistic than i feel but im sure i will get back on track soon.....not doing bad particularly, just feeling a bit consumed with things....work is so intense. id forgotten.

anyway....nuff of me. over to you guys....
hope everyone manages to find us to say "hi"....welcome old and new.

[TheSilveryPussycat]

vicar what a truly distressing thing to happen. It's bullying for sure.

[NanaNina]

Oh Vicar so sorry,but ye know what I reckon this is groundhog day. You have just recovered from a very nasty depressive illness and this kind of shite could cause a relapse, and it's not so easy to get over a second episode of depression.

I agree with what others are saying, and glad you have recorded everything. Surely a job in retail might be better, boring but stressfree, while you look around for something else. What did you do before the police. What you are saying about the police reinforces all my own feelings, ok you go where "angels fear to tread" etc but the macho/bullying culture that you describe is no place for you Vicar - they don't deserve you.

[LEMisdisappointed]

This weekend is not going to plan, i wanted everyone (included myself) to have a nice time :( not coping myself here, trying to be "ok" for DP and DD but i feel like a time bomb

[ThatVikRinA22]

ive made a decision that im not standing for it - ive lodged a formal complaint. bugger it. i dont care anymore. This is exactly why i hate the job. I would rather deal with heroin addicted shoplifters than "colleagues" like this.

i am totally in the right and i will stand up to this shite. if it costs me my job so be it. It was a completely unwarranted attack on me, ive got a copy of my occy health agreement, i have witnesses and im not standing for it any more.

[ThatVikRinA22]

and ive had a bath, a glass of wine, and my little jewel sisters have made me laugh tonight - they are truly just like little dogs. They all came running for a cuddle, they are clowns when left to roam around the bathroom - so funny.

im going to get through the rest of the week, and then go riding.

[ColouringInQueen]

Good for you vicar go for it. Really glad you've lodged a complaint, and that you've had an ok evening. I have thoroughly enjoyed half a bottle of wine (only drink at the weekend, honest ) and am now trying to summon up energy to hang up washing and go to bed.

lem hang in there x

[LEMisdisappointed]

GOOD FOR YOU VICAR, good for you - jumping up and down (metaphorically) punching the air (again, metaphoricaly) I am pleased that you have got angry - rake them across the coals, you have right on your side and all of us behind you.

Your ratties sound just lovely, I am thinking about getting a pet, just for me - we have two dogs who i adore, I am seriously considering a spider, i think i have seen how therapeutic your rats have been and ive wanted a spider for a while.

[ColouringInQueen]

Spider my dad would freak he has a massive phobia . Go for it lem they are fascinating creatures which you clearly enjoy and like you say something that's just for you. I find talking to my cat quite therapeutic!

[LEMisdisappointed]

The irony CIQ is i used to be terrified of spiders, really petrified to phobia proportions I would say. So that is weird. I'm sorry - I'm having a bad night but i feel bad because others are hurting more.

Can anyone comment on whether they feel that I should be seen by a psychiatrist - or is anxiety and depression a GP/counselling thing? Because if i am honest, i feel like i am on the verge of a full on breakdown, i'm petrified that i wont recover. I want to ask for a psych assesment but i know my doctor will say no.

[ColouringInQueen]

Irony... def. I can't advise on the psychiatrist front I'm afraid but it's a good qn. When did you last see your gp? Yr anxiety levels do sound v high and I would think Def worth another conversation with gp at least. Hope Someone else can advise. I also think weekends can be harder as more is expected with dp and dc around. I slept today 11-1 and that helped make today doable.

[ThatVikRinA22]

lem i dont have the monopoly on feeling shit - please feel free to join me....

tell me again - when did you last see a gp?
what meds are you on?
why do you think the gp will say no to an assessment?
how do you feel about just turning up at hospital?
have you been referred to a psych?

and spiders.....i would love a tarantula. i used to spider sit my mates. they are not like spiders...i would love a red knee or a goliath - i like huge ploddy spiders.

[ThatVikRinA22]

ive just realised i missed my meds today.
i had no lunch and no breakfast.
this is what this shitty job does to me. and i worked over because of the supervisors out burst.

now i have a head ache and i feel dehydrated. bloody hell.

[LEMisdisappointed]

Am off to bed now - well, to watch basic instinct and fall asleep on sofa, dog will keep my place warm in bed xx

[ColouringInQueen]

Hugs everyone. vicar point of fluids and a piece of toast and then bed (she says bossily!) And put today behind you.

Might all x

[ColouringInQueen]

Or night even x

[EdwiniasRevenge]

vicar just remind yourself. The most important thing is YOU. Thats YOU. Not your job. Not your supervisors. Not your collegues but YOU.

You need to eat and rest in order that you can look after yourself. Then you look after #2. Your family.

I know you felt the need to prove yourself. But you need to stick to the agreed phased return. It has been structured so that you can still focus on #1. Your superiors aren't interested in your health (they should be!) They are interested in results, and if they can bully you into working an extra hour they might get closer to another result which will make them look good. Make their superiors smile.

If you go beyond the agreed phased return you will crash and burn. You will crash and burn mentally. You will crash and burn physically and then I fear the recovery will be even longer. I soooo regret doing brownie holiday as I think that is what I have done. I have almost had a fresh meltdown on top of the last one which I haven't recovered from.

Sending you huge hugs....would you like me to crochet you a voodoo doll?!?

I am thinking of everyone but still finding it difficult to follow everyone as a lot seems to be happening today. Group hug offered.

For me. I think I am going to go back my lists as I was more on top of things when I was doing that...so here goes.

Cleared brownie stuff off table
Finished 2 crochet projects
Washed up
Emptied and reloaded dw x2
Made milkshakes
No nap
Meds taken (ive no idea when I last took them...)
Played games with dcs

Ive motivated the children to have a busy day too so I feel positive about the following stuff which has been done although I didn't do it...
Cooked chilli
Done some artwork
Dtds tidied a bit of bedroom
Dd3 did quite a lot of bedroom
Swept kitchen floor
Put several loads of washing through.

Right I'm shattered. Lets have a group hug then I'm heading to bed. Night all.

[TheSilveryPussycat]

vicar a mad thought - could he have been trying to "toughen you up"? albeit in a v misguided way...

[LEMisdisappointed]

Vicar Eds right - you should only do absolutely what has been agreed on the phased return. It sounds to me like you cope with the crack heads and drunks really well, its just the shit from above that you are struggling with - they can't do this!! But you got angry - Im pleased about that, i glad you have filed a complaint.

Its not the same for me but it was work stress that has caused this latest breakdown - i left, it wasn't a long term job but it has destroyed my confidence so I am pretty much in awe of you being able to return and actively seek other work, i haven't even been able to look at a job advert and i need to work we need the money :( Behind wiht the mortgage bank running out of patience and its because i dont have a job.

Yes - slow and ploddy is the way with spiders, although i think the goliaths can be a bit snarky otherwise i would love one, my friend has several and they are mahoosive! But surprisingly quick Like you say, they are not like spiders.

Ed - you are doing us proud lady, all that stuff on the list :) Do you make the list to do or do you list what you have done? Ha ha at the crochet voodoo doll, i think there could be a market for those!

Had another meltdown on DP this morning - i don't know how much more he can take.

But its sunny and I am going to take my DD to the pictures while DP performs miracles with the car, then we might go to the beach later.

[EdwiniasRevenge]

Thanks.

It is stuff I have done. My therapist has asked me to do it (and I find mn more accessible than pen and paper :o )

If I make to do lists I am paralysed by the list and don't do anything. Especially when I make tge list the day before. If I am having a good day I can make an outline of what I want to do. But I have to do it when I am up and know it is a good day iyswim.

Right...need to get up and get moving...swimming lessons. Then need to put some washimg away...

[LEMisdisappointed]

Its funny, i was list tastic when i was doing my Phd and i was well. I would make a list on days that i didn't really know what i was doing, to motivate myself and I would probably only do the first couple of things on the list before i would be lead off in a different direction by results etc. I miss science - i wish i could go back but i dont think it will happen now. (Damn you pfizer!! - i didnt work for them but they were a major employer in this area and you don't get a look in now if you aren't ex pfizer)

[EdwiniasRevenge]

Its also wprth pointing out that literally everything I do is on my lists. So if a shower isn't on my list I didn't do it iyswim.

Right im level 3 and have 4 mins to pack a swimming bag. Catch you later...

[SnowyMouse]

Good for you vicar! Thinking of everyone

[EdwiniasRevenge]

I have news. I have captured a live mouse.

Dtds have just taken it to the park to release.

Now I need to lay down...

[NanaNina]

Good on you Vicar - I had a bit of a dust up with a CSO in town yesterday. I had parked outside Waitrose where there were no yellow lines. Ticket on my car when I came out and the 2 CSOs were patrolling the area. I went and asked politely why they had given me a ticket and the bloke pointed out that there were those dotted lines at the end of the kerb blind people. I hadn't noticed them. I commented that it would be better if there were double yellow lines and the bloke started getting stroppy saying "that's nothing to do with us, now on yer way!" I've heard them on TV saying things like that to drunks in a crowd, but this OAP on a Sat afternoon.....I said that I didn't think that was a polite way to speak to me and he started jabbing his finger at me and saying loudly "Rule 143 in the Highway Code" over and over again. I looked blank and he told me it was the rule about parking in front of dotted lines on the kerb. I said I saw no reason for him to be jabbing his finger at me and he again pointed at me and said "don't get arrogant with me" and walked off into a nearby shop. His colleague (a female) remained there and so I said "how does that work then that he can get arrogant with me but I can't do the same to him" and she said "You have a very bad attitude." !!! I was at this point getting angry so I walked away, but that's just a single incident, and god knows what these macho bullying blokes are like when they are in a position of authority (although they would see that as power not authority)

You can only hope that they are not going to "close ranks" on you as I suspect this is what could happen. If someone can emotionally abuse you like that (which I believe is a crime "use of threatening words or behaviour?) there is no knowing what else they can do.

You really really need another job V sorry for stating the obvious.

[NanaNina]

Hi Lem Wow PHd, one very high flyer -I'm well impressed! but sadly mental illness can afflict us all. Sorry you are having a crap time, but in a way it's a good thing that you know the root cause of your dep/anx. You mention that you are in awe of Vicar being able to look for jobs, when you can't contemplate that. The reason is very clear Lem - Vicar is no longer depressed (she was when she started the thread and I'm sure she will confirm this) and that's why she has the emotional strength that you don't have just now, but you will get better though it is going to take time and the right dose of meds. 4 out of 5 people recover from depression within 4 to 6 months, especially if it is a first eposide. I think when we are in the midst of the grey fog of depression we are in awe of anyone doing things that we could have done without a second thought when we were well. The thing that got me to the GP in my first episode was the increduality I experienced when hearing a colleague discussing baking a birthday cake with her sister, for their mother's 70th birthday (and I can make birthday cakes!!) which made it even more wierd.

I did think your expectations about the weekend were a bit on the high side to be honest. The thing is with dep/anx you have to learn to "take each day as it comes" as they can (as you have discovered) fluctuate from day to day and your mood can change through the day. I think you said mornings were the worst (same here) and you lifted through the day sometimes. That is my pattern too, but my dep is intermittent as I outlined in a long post.

You asked about referral to a psychiatrist. Referrals are made to consultants, on the basis of clinical need, be it mental or physical illness. However with physical illness, there are tests that can be carried out at the primary care stage, x-rays, blood tests, scans etc. but there are no such tests for depression and anxiety, nor for any of the other types of mental illness, as far as I am aware.

I was recently told by my CPN (who I still see on a monthly basis) that there were now strict demarcation lines about which "track" a patient would be on. Again like so many things, it was the "numbers game." She explained that if you scored below 4, you were on the primary care route GP and mental health nurses attached to the practice. If above 4 you were on the CPN/ConsltPysch track. As she assured me I was above 4 I didn't get around to asking her what the questions were, as I assume this is what she meant. This is obviously something that has been set up in my area. I am above 4 because of my psychiatric history and 2 admissions to a pysch ward.

To be honest Lem with a first episode of depression and on 20mg citalopram, I don't think any GP would perceive there was a clinical need to refer you to a psychiatrist. He/she is more likely I would think to increase the dose to see if that has a good effect. Sorry I can't recall how long you have been on them, but don't think it's that long. Recovery from depression is a slow process and so you have to be a bit patient with yourself, though I know you are worried about money. Is there any chance you could re-mortgage or take out a loan with the bank to tide you over till you are better. I think you really need to look into that because worrying about finance could make you more anxious, and so slow down your recovery.

SO I reckon your first step is back to the GP and see where you go from there. I can recall MNs on other threads talking about the good effect of raising the dose of citalopram, and they do usually start you off on a low dose.

Miggsy where are you. We are all here and caring about you.
Hooch ditto

You are both suffering a lot, please come back and talk to us.

Please don't be put off by everyone seeming to know everyone, and the last few posts all about Vicar - I suppose she is the "Head girl" (not you understand that she has made any such reference to that herself) I just thought of it on the spur of the moment. Vicar started the original thread and this is the 4th edition.