No Lem I don't regret asking for more info! My god what a HUGE amount of stress you were under following the birth of DD2 and the HCPs missing your PND, and everything else that was happening, your poor dad, your illness, writing up a Phd - it would I think be strange if anyone didn't conk out under that amount of pressure.
Your description of teaching in a college (presumably of FE?) sounds horrendous, and my DP had a similar experience many years ago. The thing is of course you don't need a teaching qualification to teach in FE and I'm not saying that these courses teach you how to teach, as I strongly believe that we "learn our trade on the job" so to speak. However with the right kind of support you would have not had such a dreadful time I'm sure. You were obviously very committed and dare I say something of a perfectionist (?) hence the 60 hour week.
The manager was clearly incompetent and possibly burned out herself I don't know, but I have come across this type of controlling, incompetent managers, who are essentially very insecure and so try to control to cover this up, that's if they are aware, which I somehow doubt. You did the right thing to go over her head but of course it would have brought her out with all guns blazing. I'm so glad you got such good feedback from the students, and isn't that what teaching is all about, connecting with the students, teaching in an inspiring way, someone who cares about teaching and learning and it shows in the way you deliver at the "coal face" - I suspect the manager felt threatened by you, and this weak kind of individual will resort to bullying. Best thing you did was to quit. You must hold on to the fact that you got such excellent feedback from the students.
You posted at almost 5 pm saying you are terrified of how you feel and depression is terrifying but you have had a nice day with DD - incidentally you only mention one DD and I thought there were 2 DDs. Maybe you felt better this afternoon than you did this morning - the fluctuation thing again maybe.
Your last para resonates very strongly with me. You may or may not know that suicidal thoughts are very common in depression and they are more common when depression is severe. The thoughts are suicide ideation (in the sense that you think about suicide a lot) but sort of know that you aren't going to do that. I have been there many many times and have gone so far as to make a plan and research how to suceed. It isn't that we want to die, it's that we want the crippling emotional pain to go away, and that's the only way out that we can see.
It's also extremely common to think that our loved ones would be "better off without us" and this is not the case. One morning when I was wailing this down the phone to my wise friend, she said that if you commit suicide you pass on the pain that you were feeling to your loved ones, who may themselves develop mental illness, and that stopped me in my tracks for a while. I still have suicidal thoughts on bad days, but like you know I won't do it. Oh how well I understand your words "the thought of nothingness is so attractive at the moment" - nothingness (that word describes depression so well) I once read on a MH thread someone talking about the "deep dark grey monotonous place of pointless nothingness, where nothing seemed to change and motivation to do anything evaporated."
You ask questions of yourself in the final para and the only one that I think is true is that you are ill - mentally, rather than physically and I think you need to try to assimilate this and accept that you have a depressive illness.
I am sure your GP would be willing to change the meds, but to be honest I don't think the average GP knows very much about mental health. They can prescribe ADs but that's about all and whilst the same is true of psychiatrists in that they diagnose and treat, they do have a superior knowledge of drugs and their interactions etc., which is what you would expect from a consultant. You could certainly press for a referral to a psychiatrist and I think probably that's the best thing to do. He/she may not feel it necessary but I think would be hard pressed to refuse.
I can't agree with your DP that the drugs are making you worse. You mention that you thought "right I have till the Easter holidays etc" but depression is not time sensitive Lem - just re-reading your post, it sounds like you are also suffering from anxiety as you worry about simple tasks - that has happened to me too. Oh yes and depression makes us feel a failure so I reckon you tick all the boxes! Basset has some interesting comments about drugs that you could maybe talk to your GP about.
You ask about SSRIs and again with your knowledge I think you know more about this than any of us and possibly more than the GP! I suppose there are difference in all drugs. My DP has been taking a statin (for raised cholestrol) and has had muscle pain as a side effect, and so the statin has been changed and he has no side effects. I don't think mirtazapine is an SSRI - I have of course consulted Dr Google but it doesn' t say, it's just that it sounds like a tryclic, eg imipramine, amytriptalyne etc.
There is a book you might find interesting Lem "Malignant Sadness" written by Louis Wolpert who is a bio-chemist and he had a very severe episode of depression and in the opening chapter he states that "before I experienced severe depression I was of the "pull your socks up" school of pyschiatry! It's an interesting book and discusses all the treatments and compares and contrasts the psychological model to the medical model. In my experience both are "locked" into their own model. The psychologist who I saw for 3 months was not prepared to believe that depression was caused by a chemical inbalance in the brain and talked of trials with placebos being as beneficial as ADs. All I know is that the meds saved my life, truly, as my suicidal thoughts were very very real and scarey.
Oh there is another book called "Depression - the Curse of the Strong" (can't remember the author) but you would get both books on Amazon.
Be interested to hear how your consultation goes with GP. You need to book a double appointment don't you.