that light at the end of the tunnel isnt a train....stay on track!

[ThatVikRinA22]

thought we had better have a new one - old one nearly full. Think this is our 4th thread now....

linky to old one here

so, here we go....title a little more optimistic than i feel but im sure i will get back on track soon.....not doing bad particularly, just feeling a bit consumed with things....work is so intense. id forgotten.

anyway....nuff of me. over to you guys....
hope everyone manages to find us to say "hi"....welcome old and new.

[LEMisdisappointed]

Well, for some reason your post CIQ kicked me up the arse! I got my lab book out - I am going over to see my friend tomorrow to tie up some loose ends on my spider project. I am not sure what I will do, if i want to continue with it or not but whatever i decide i feel OK about. I was scared of looking in that bloody book, but i did and it didn't bite me. In fact, i got a smittering of adrenalin rush that i do when i look at science stuff. Not sure its enough though - I want that rush from my work, but im not sure i want to be a scientist anymore. I think i will have a fair bit to discuss with my counseller this week! At least i am looking forward to my trip through the woods into the lab tomorrow :)

Can i just say, you MUST go and sit in the sun, if you hoover the house - bonus!

[Glabella]

Hello everyone. I am still here, reading and just haven't been able to think of anything to post. I am no better really, everything is such hard work. All of you seem to carry on with life and I can't seem to manage anything, I can't even look after my daughter most days.
I have been feeling suicidal again, yesterday I started taking an overdose but dp came home early and caught me, so then we spent all afternoon in a&e waiting for the on call psych. It was a waste of time really, I just had to go over everything yet again to be told what I am feeling is normal in depression, I am not ill enough for any extra help and to just wait until I start to feel better, so now I feel even more pathetic for not coping. I have started making a list of reasons to stay alive and put it by the bed. So far I have that I want to see how Game of Thrones ends. I am sure I will think of more.
Thanks for worrying about me.

[LEMisdisappointed]

so good to see you back, not good to read you are feeling so terrible :( I am so so glad your DP came home before you could do yourself any damage! Bit miffed with the on call psych - how fucking ill do you have to be??? Are you on medication, sorry, i cant remember - Can you go back to your GP?

Can I make a few suggestions for your list - apologies if they are obvious and trite

In no particular order

1. Because you want to see how game of thrones ends
   
2. So you can tell me what the big deal is with this Throne game thing so i can decide if i can be arsed to read the book!
   
3. Because your DD needs you and loves you and will bring you so much joy over the years (and heartache, but mostly joy)
   
4. Because you are clever and sensitive and i know you will go on to make a really positive influence on peoples lives in the future.
   
5. Because your parents love you
   
6. Because you have a wonderful DP who thinks your pretty goddam special
   
7. Because I think we might actually be getting some summer soon - then it will be autumn, i love autumn (i love mushroom spotting and walking in the leaves), then winter - brrrr, but it might snow - then you can take your DD sledging. Then it will be spring.
   
8. Because at some point during the above seasons, i don't know when, you will have recovered from this bastard illness and will be getting on with your life and being HAPPY!
   
9. Because Nero's cappuccinno with scicilian lemon cheesecake is really bloody good!
   

10. Because i daresay someone else will write/produce some other serial just like games of thrones and you'll be wanting to find out what happens..........

So, add what ones you like, or dismiss them and add some of your own, but I care enough to have a few thoughts and we all care about each other on this thread. We can all see the good in all of us - just as your DP and parents and most of all your beautiful DD will see it in you!

Sometimes, its actually the reallly little things in life that make it all worth while - Finding out what happens in the game of thrones might seem trivial, but it makes you happy - as will other things. Even if its a nice cup of sodding

Take care We are always here xxx

Remember that we are all at different stages of our lives and with this illness and will be affected in different ways - I am congratulating myself because i have managed to spend two minutes looking at my lab book today - and that, frankly, is quite enough for one day!

[ColouringInQueen]

((((hugs))) Glabella. So sorry to hear you've been feeling awful. Back in Feb my DH found me with a packet of Tricyclics in my hand wondering how many I would need to take. Step forward: Today I have send SIL a card, hoovered house and am about to go for a walk in the sun with my dad. You will get there, but it does take (often an infuriatingly long amount of) time. Hang in there. You will feel better x.

LEM great stuff with the book x. It's good to know you're still capable of those feelings isn't it? Have hovered house and am about to walk with lovely dad to a local nursery to buy a plant for garden. Phew.

[SnowyMouse]

Still a 3, going to group this afternoon so that may improve things. I t does fluctuate a little in the day.

Hugs for everyone feeling overwhelmed.

[Notsoblonde]

hello everyone, just a quickie as am on my short lunch break. ciq I feel a bit like that too and I try to remember everything everyone has said but if am on phone I cant scroll back, I love reading everyones posts on here, every one is so kind.

Will be back later, work hectic as usual its been really sad lately

[SnowyMouse]

Sorry work's hectic notsoblonde Sounds good, CiQ.

[SnowyMouse]

LEM, I can empathise, I got out my lab books recently when I was decluttering.

[ColouringInQueen]

Hi all,
snowy hope the group was helpful, and hang in there.
thanks notso amazing that you can do the work you do at the moment.

Well I had a lovely walk but I am sooooooooooooo knackered now which is v frustrating. I slept til 7, did school run, went to shop, went back to bed 9.30, up at 11, pottered, hoovered, went for walk, bought plants, walked to café, walked to school, took kids to toy shop, sat in garden with DCs and DF, cooked tea, hung out washing. I guess when it's written like that I have done a lot but I can't believe how exhausted I feel now .

Some good news though, my painting tutor has had a painting accepted in this year's Royal Academy exhibition which is amazing for his career. Will have to take the kids up there in the school hols...

[mamakoukla]

A long, long time ago on a thread far away.... I have been lurking, and I am popping back to give a hug to all - I am happy to see a lovely warm group here and that you are still the same wonderful helpful and friendly bunch. I still occasionally nap during the day and it is my special medicine.

Vicar how people behave is a reflection of who they are and not who you are. How you respond is a reflection of yourself. It's not a very welcoming work environment and there does seem to be an aggressive streak, quite a nasty one. There may be no reason why this is happening to you apart from the fact that you are seen as possibly weak and different - an easy target for those people that have a penchant for needling others to feel better about themselves or to play to an audience, drawing attention away from their own deficits.

Remove all permission for them to hurt you or upset you.
Nothing can drag you down if you're not holding on.

It doesn't make for an ideal work environment, or even a moderately helpful and friendly one. What do you want from your work?

Also very happy to see fellow biologists :) A bit worried and have wondered if there are any trends or correlations..... Edwinia always reminded me of Erwinia; the name that is, nothing else.

I want you all to know how wonderful you are and don't realise it, how strong you are but focus on the weakness. This series of threads has been a support for many of us and a turning point for me
xoxoxoxox

[ThatVikRinA22]

mama i am so glad to see you. truly. im glad you are ok.

im ok tonight.

i went to work today. i deleted all my work colleagues from facebook.
i said nothing.
i fixed on a smile and i got on with my job. I took the lead in all the jobs we went too and just made out like i was alone. That suited mentor as he had no work to do. I did fine.
i got some stuff sorted that i needed to do.

i had a pep talk with my best mate this morning who told me to give nothing away.
so i havent.

and ive taken her advice. i work with them. im not friends with them and im never going to be.

i am very nervous about next week but i will be ok. i cant be anything other than ok.

i am sat here enjoying cuddles from my latest ratty rescue. ive had a glass or two of wine. i have had 2 cigarettes.

i am trying to focus and understand that i am ok and that my colleagues are not my problem. Im not like them and thats fine.

My "mentor" mentioned today that he i had been upset. i kept it short and sweet. i have painted on a smile today and its telling that no one asked how i was - any weakness and the knives go straight in.

i sat alone at meal time, but was asked to join them. no one has mentioned that ive deleted anyone from FB but if they do i will play dumb. "goodness, how did that happen? i ve been having problems with my FB lately...."

and i will get on with my life without them judging or nosying.

I am going to attempt not to talk to myself, because they hear and they judge.

i am going forward as if i am alone. which i am. and my application for part time working has been approved, disappointed to learn that i cant do it from this week but can from next.

the job itself is not proving to be the problem. I just need to work alone and feel ok with that.

no one is ever going to help me. They enjoyed watching me flounder yesterday and they enjoyed that i was upset. They twisted the knife.

so from now on my lips are sealed and i will not give them any ammunition.

[HellesBelles396]

Hurrah on part time vicar. Well done for today. Your "mentor" is an arse.

[LEMisdisappointed]

Oh Vicar, it made me give an internal whoop when i read your last post - good for you!!! They really are a bunch of pricks and you kind of have to feel sorry for them that they feel they have to be such sheep. Hold on to the fact that you are good at your job and you actually don't need their help.

Dont have time to post more, im off to see my spider friends so nervous about it and not sure what the outcome will be, but it is what it is. Its our anniversary today, 21 years (althoguh DP thought it was 22, i dont know what that says!) He brought me a lovely card and box of green and blacks chocolates - it made me cry, he wrote some lovely words - I have to get better, he deserves to have the old me back! Well not the old me, we all change but the new, happy me - i just have to find her again

[ColouringInQueen]

vicar you are awesome Brilliant attitude and it will keep you well.

Mama lovely to hear from you and hope you're doing OK (really nice to hear about this being a turning point). Lovely to hear your praise of us on this thread - I will treasure that today.

Lem good luck with the spiders!

Mood-wise I am doing OK today, but sooooo exhausted all this week. Am going into college later to help set up exhibition which will be good. Have to do DCs bedtime later tho - booo. I don't like doing the bedtime stuff - just too much at the end of the day. Oh well, its only tonight. Suns out now.

take care all x

[NanaNina]

Glabella good to see you back and so sorry you are still feeling so awful. When you say you "started to take an overdose" do you mean you were about to swallow the overdose, or were you just looking at the meds and thinking about it. Sorry if this sounds intrusive, it's just that as you might already know, there is a big difference between suicide ideation (as in holding the meds, looking at the pack) wondering how many you need to take, and an actual attempt to swallow the meds in an attempt to put an end to the torment. If it is the former, then I can tell you that I have been in that position many times (though I had decided against overdosing) my chosen method was drowning, and I had made a plan and visited the spot on more than one occasion, working out how to scramble down the bank to the water.

Suicide ideation is very common in depression and anxiety and it's not that we want to die, it 's just that we want an end to the torment, the "pointless nothingness" of severe depression, and suicide seems almost inviting at our worst. I can well imagine that you go no help from A & E (the irony of being a patient in A & E) but mental illness can affect anyone as I'm sure you know. In fact the consultant psychiatrist who reviews my progress every 3 months (as I am still an "open case" as have been in secondary care twice in the past) is at present off sick with depression.

I'm sorry but I can't remember how long you have been ill, what meds you are on etc. I think you need to see the GP asap and maybe get your meds increased or changed. I think different Trust have their own arrangements. In mine, they have strict demarcation lines where mental health is concerned. It's a tick box thing, and if you score below 4 you are on the primary care route, GP and mental health nurse at the practice and above a 4 it's CPN and psychiatrist. I am above a 4.

In my experience I don't think GPs know a great deal about mental health. They can prescribe ADs and increase the dose, but it always seemed to me like a fair bit of guesswork. However I think you do need to go back to GP and if you feel you are not getting the help you need, you could ask for a referral to a psychiatrist, who might be more willing to review your meds, change them, add something else to them, than just seeing someone in A & E. I have been struggling a great deal in the past and have recently had another AD added to my original one and it does seem to have had good effect. I'm sure you know it's all trial and error with meds but it sounds like you need your meds reviewed at the very least.

Vicar I think your plan is a good one - thinking about it, we can only show our vulnerability to people who we can trust, and that certainly does not include your colleagues, who will almost certainly perceive it as "weakness" and they will be of the "pull your socks up" school of psychiatry! I hate to say this in a way because it's nasty, but I wish people like this had a taste of the torment of depression and anxiety - I really do.

CIQ glad you have perked up a bit.

Snowy How was the group? Dare I ask 3.5 today maybe? Thinking of you.

Hoochy surprised to hear you say there are not many social work jobs around at the moment, but that's probably because posts are frozen because the savage cuts that this bloody coalition have made to all public services (we don't make any profit do we, so they are not interested). It's all false economy because as you say when "backs are against walls" as they often are in Social Services, then agency staff have to be brought in and paid for of course, earning more per hour than staff on a permanent contract.

It's tough in social work today, but you know what they say "When things get tough, the tough get going" - my advice to you would be to go for Adult Services and you would be really good in Mental Health, given your own experience. Children's services is pretty much "wall to wall" child protection and that is incredibly stressful. Not sure where you are in the country as of course inner cities are struggling with work overload, whereas I think there is less pressure in the Shire counties.

Love to everyone.

[ColouringInQueen]

Hi nana had to come home from college as anxiety being unmanageable. It was interesting - going there to paint in a slightly structured setting I am feeling more myself. Going today with just a few others to a seemingly disorganised setting was no good. Helped for an hour, had lunch then had to leave. I am sad I found it so hard but so far am not beating myself up too much. Have to get dcs in 10 mins, could really do with a lie down for an hour.

Hope everyone's doing ok x

[LEMisdisappointed]

Ciq i think you actually did really well i hate when things are chaotic it is very anxiety inducing so well done for staying as long as you did xxx

[ColouringInQueen]

Thanks lem. Hope your day was ok x

[hoochymama1]

Gosh it's an amazing thread, it's been pretty powerful reading all your stuff vicar. You finding your way through stuff helps me to cope with my shit.

This illness is such a bugger, you feel your getting better and then you have to hunker down again. GlabellaI agree with what nana says about ideation, and the best thing is actually writing things down here.For me it takes the sting out of it. Gets it out of your head.

Saw the GP today, (have seen this nice woman one the last couple of times) he had been really good the last time I was ill, spent loads of time talking to me. I was a bit ashamed of going to him today, as I feel such a failure for getting the depression again, even though I know I'm not, if you know what I mean. He gave me a good talking to about being careful what work I did. Nana he echoed what you'd said about not going into child protection. I think it's the workloads with SW. To be honest sometimes I just can't see myself working at all. I get through the days by the skin of my teeth and have to go to bed stupidly early just to even cope.

But my mood is better most of the time, it's taken 7 weeks of 100mg sertraline to get this far.



Ooo, Lem, spiders

Ciq good to know yourself well enough to walk away when you feel unwell. Takes strength.

Off to centerparcs for an overnight spa day with DH tomorrow, booked when I was 'well' don't know how it will go, just want to crawl away to bed..

Much love to everyone

[SnowyMouse]

Just popping in to say good night all.

[ColouringInQueen]

Night snowy

Hi hoochy glad to hear your GP is clued up work-wise - hope you found the appointment helpful.

Have found it impossible to shake the high anxiety, tenseness this afternoon, so have been reading about Cortisol which has a lot to answer for, and am now thinking about seriously reducing my sugar intake and getting hold of some serious supplements after reading an old thread on MN. Something else I read was this which at the end says sleep is vital for neurogenesis (ie its good to sleep) which I thought we could probably all do with hearing!

Night all x

[bassetfeet]

Hi all
just popping in to say hello and you are all in my thoughts . It is so lovely to see Vicars thread so well used and so comforting for us .

So much I want to write but cant seem to get the flow going . Arghh !
No doubt you will be nose down on keyboard snoring when I get my mind back from its vagueness . Feel strange but not in bad way . Think there is so much I want to type and too much to answer to if you get me ? I have learned so much from you ladies .x

I am waffling so have a hug . So much easier if we lived in our virtual village . My teapot and bottle of Aldis finest wine would be open ...as would my back door to you all .xxxx

[ColouringInQueen]

Ooh I could use a cuppa basset

Just tell us one thing you want to say....

[bassetfeet]

CIQ I recall that hell of acute anxiety well . Felt like the adrenaline /cortisol switch in my head needed switching off . And no means of doing it .
My help came by a med tricyclic called Dosulepin which isnt used now much . A sedative anti depressant which helped me sleep and sedated me a bit. You are so right in that sleep is what we need .
A tired mind is hellish and distorts life .

Other help is mindfulness which we have talked about before . Keep painting my love if you can .....walking with your dad x......you are a brave lady .

My mantra comes from an ancient cassette tape given to me at the height of my hell .called no more worry by Robert Farago.

No more worry . The future doesnt exist . the future doesnt exist yet.
The past is gone . All we have is here and now .
hug xx

[ColouringInQueen]

Thanks Basset x.
I've been reading up about Cortisol tonight and the switch - ie where is gets stuck and the resultant effects (google Sara Gottfield), to lower cortisol: Fish oils, cut out sugar, yoga/pilates, mindfulness, and a herb called rhodiola or something. But struck chords in terms of symptoms, and also effect on thyroid - can make you have hypothyroid symptoms which inc depression... Have made some notes for next GP appt...

How did you get started with mindfulness?