Confused and scared

[GracieLoo]

I feel like I'm becoming someone else, like this depression is trying to ruin me and it's winning, and one day it's going to get me. I can't relax, my brain won't switch off. I'm looking after my dd, taking her places, I have to, I'm her mum and we're on our own. But I never feel normal.

Anxiety is taking over, I often drive around and around, voices in my head arguing over where I can go, or not to go or something bad could happen there. I over analyze everything. I'm surprised I get anything done, but I do eventually, after a battle with myself.

I'm scared because everyday is a struggle, if dd wasn't here, I definitely wouldn't be. On the really bad days, I feel she would be better with someone else before I damage her emotionally, and she ends up just like me. I think I've ended up like my dad.

Today I've become obsessed with wanting a baby, as I had a dream I did last night. I feel I will have one, I need to or I can't go on. I know this doesn't sound right, but I just desperately want a normal family. Not sure it will ever happen. I just feel so sad and alone, and I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm scared I'm really not well. I'm aware this post sounds like I'm strange, I'm really not, on the outside, but my head feels so messed up.

On the other hand, if you don't go and get help you're going to end up taking even more time off work. Its also better to be off sick than in work not doing well. Go and see your CPN tomorrow.

You are having a breakdown. You know it yourself I think. It can get better but you need to do yourself a favour by going to get the help from your CPN that you got up the courage to ask for.

I appreciate your support so much. It helps to get a response to help get things in perspective. I don't know what I'm doing, what's the right or wrong decision, so someone who's been through it is probably the best person to give advice.

I just wish I had a partner or someone here with me to maybe speak to my boss, tell me how I seem, etc, but don't think anyone would stick with me for that long!
If I could email my boss that would be easier but that would be chickens way out.

Awake again, so much going through my head.

Am I really wrong to not go to work? What if I ring and they make me come in? Hearts racing, can't think straight, I've got up and got dd ready so surely I'm ok?!

hi gracieloo
no you are not really wrong not to go to work, you work PT and i think you mentioned this was your last day this week? Why not call in sick and go to the appointment with your CPN?

I have, I'm scared. Dd was looking at me so strangely this morning, like she didn't know who I am.

dont be scared, you have taken positive action and are looking after YOU.
Perhaps your daughter did look differently but that is your take on it, "like she didnt know who I am" that is YOUR thought.. it is due to anxiety and the way you are feeling.. are you going to appointment?

Been referred to the crisis team, and prescribed sleeping tablets. Feel like I'm going to throw up.

can you tell us more about how your appointment went? GL at least you have people in RL to help. You havent been sleeping and this always makes thing worse as you mind is not getting the rest it needs. Throw up because of anxiety ?

Felt sick from the anxiety and shock of it all. She was really nice, was going to wait and see about the crisis team but then changed her mind. She's left an appt open for me on Monday again if I don't go to work. Or I'll see her next wed. Just been driving around since, and sat in a carpark just feel numb. Want to go home and sleep but feeling jumpy at home incase anyone comes round.

I suppose I'm glad I'll have the crisis team over the weekend but never been referred to them like this before and not sure what to expect. Will they just call randomly? What if I'm unable to take the call ie dealing with daughter or a friends round, will they discharge me? I know it's for the best but making me more anxious.

Hi Gracie, I know you are nervous, but I'm going a snoopy dance of happiness here that you saw your CPN and she's referred you to the Crisis team.

The CT by me are all lovely (apart from one, but meh, you can't have it all). They won't call in unannounced, but they will arrange times to come and see you and you will have a number that you can call when you feel bad. It took me a while to get up the nerve to call when I was referred, but don't be nervous as they won't make you feel silly as it's their job to support you.

Normally they give you a plan of when they're going to see you. If my kids were around, I said they were my friends coming to chat and they just accepted that. They can also get you a medical review with the Crisis team psych to make sure that you are on the right meds and have enough PRN (meds you can take as and when you need them) to get you through the days and nights until you come out of this.

And you will come out of this.

So pleased you took today off and saw her. They don't refer to the CT unless people are really poorly, so I hope you can start to accept that it really is the case.

Oh and sorry if this sounds patronising, but I am so pleased you've been brave enough to do this as I know how hard you find it. Seriously.

I feel so ill physically too, it's like my body's shutting down. Lifting a cup of tea if felt like it weighed a ton, my stomachs been dodgy, and I feel dizzy and walking like I'm really ill. Don't know if this is normal when going through this. Typing is taking forever too. CT are coming in the morning, I'm worried they'll walk in and be like ' you're fine, you look fine to us'. I don't know what to say to them. If I say I'm planning to buy and bottle of vodka and hide myself away with the tablets when dd goes away for the wkend, what will they do?

This all feels so unreal, can't believe it's happening to me.

Well I don't think they'll think you're fine. Especially if you tell them the last bit of your post.

will try and reply more when I get home.

I don't know if I've done the right thing. What if I wake up tomorrow and feel ok and can carry on? I'm not even crying, why can't I cry? I feel nothing.

You absolutely have done the right thing. Based on the last couple of weeks, do you think its likely you're going to wake up tomorrow and feel OK? It would be wonderful if you did, but I don't think all of this is going to go away without a bit of help and support.

I don't know about you, but the last time I was poorly I was so detached from everything that I couldn't cry at all. Bloody howled when I got better.

I don't feel like there's anything to cry about, I feel no emotion about anything. Even work I just don't care now. Seeing the bond between dd and her gran get even stronger the last few weeks. I feel too wired to sleep tonight. Keep typing stuff then deleting it. Just sitting feeling very vacant.

You can get through this. Keep telling yourself that, as you really can.

I'm off to bed now, but will check in tomorrow. Hope you get some sleep.

{{hugs}}

Woke around 2 last night, and lay there thinking horrible stuff. All the different ways I could do it. Was imagining dd being upset, and I don't feel anything, just matter of fact about it. I don't think any pill is going to take this away.

Got that usual feeling of dread about getting through another day, feel shaky and spaced out. Got doubts I need the crisis team, what if they think I'm wasting their time. I'm not seeing things that aren't there, or hearing voices, apart from the ones telling me to do it all the time.

Need to get up and sort dd's breakfast, seriously running out of food.

I'm really on edge, they're coming between 9.30 and 11.30, I don't know what to do. Got a friend to take dd to nursery as I couldn't face it, before she went dd was talking about animals dying. I feel she knows, I feel everyone knows what's in my head! What if they think I'm fine cos I've brushed my hair and got dressed, i don't want to put on an act. God I'm panicking, want to go od now. Sorry for hogging this forum too, probably annoying everyone.

The crisis team are not just there for people having hallucinations. Lets face is, constant thoughts of suicide, not sleeping, not being able to get through the day all sound like a crisis to me. You're not wasting their time.

Besides, there's some disordered thought going on at the moment due to the depression. Thinking your DD would be better off if you were dead, for one. Thinking you're wasting people's time for another.

Loads of dissociation, feeling detached, unreal, spaced out. All of these are signs of serious depression.

You've done the right thing. Don't be afraid to tell them everthing.

I'll check in later. Loads of meetings this morning, and believe me I'd rather be on here chatting to you!

They've been, I felt so uncomfortable, hate talking to new people. And one was a student bloke who sat taking notes. I don't know how I cam across. They asked who my carer was, and asked if it was my mum. I didn't know who else to say but they took her number and now I feel scared shitless they're going to contact her. They said I have to take their practical advice and stay with her, I asked if a friend could come round instead as I'd prefer that. I think I'll just tell them a friend is coming round and I'm giving her my meds to look after. She said they'll come tomorrow and my mum can be here too. God I just want to run away and hide, don't know how I feel now apart from terrified. I thought they didn't have to tell family.

Also I hate being told that if I really wanted to kill myself I would have done, and wouldn't have contacted cpn.

Hi Gracie. Glad you've seen them -

Also I hate being told that if I really wanted to kill myself I would have done, and wouldn't have contacted cpn.

Take it as a compliment that you were strong enough to contact your CPN. I hate comments like that as they can make you feel like they think you're putting it on, but FGS don't try to prove them wrong! They know you're not putting it on as they wouldn't be coming to see you again if they thought you were.

Couple of practical things here - first off, you don't need to have a student there if you don't want to. I've made plenty of students sit in cars before as they were making me feel uncomfortable. Secondly, they can't call or speak to your family without your permission because of the data protection act and your mum doesn't have to be there if you don't want.

But would it really be so bad if your mum knew? You say that she's supportive and she loves you. Why not let her help? You may even find that once you've told her and don't need to pretend any more that you will feel a little bit of relief.

Going on experience my family were really upset, not cross with me - Upset, that I'd not been able to talk to them. It's not a sign of weakness to ask for help, its a sign of strength. Let her in if you think you can so you can have two lots of help to get through this. The CT and your mum. Have a think about it.

Now to get through the rest of today. Can you do something like put a cheesy kids film on or something? I found kids films to be really good when I was ill as nothing bad happened and my addled brain was able to cope with it. Spongebob Squarepants was my saviour.

Shopping - you're running out of food. Couple of practical options. 1) call your mum and speak to her to let her know what's going on. Explain that you need food but you can't cope with going out, or b) get an internet shop in.

take care

Thank u, your post has calmed me down a bit. The only thing is I'm put off ringing them in a panic, when I'm feeling on the edge, incase they say they have no choice but to ring her. I thought they would just support me and get me through this. Wish I'd given them a false number.

Think I'll do an Internet shop, but even that seems overwhelming. My mums at work today. But I really have nothing so will have to go to local shop to get basics.

Don't know if I feel better or worse after that visit. Now the afternoon to get through with dd, might need to rely on Disney films to get us through it. Sat in dressing gown with a hot choc at the moment.

Really appreciate your support when you're so busy at work x

You're doing such a difficult thing, but it's the right thing, for you and your DD.

It must be so scary letting them in and having some control, but at least there's the possibility they might help you find a way through.

I'm so glad they're actually listening to you now, although I'm a bit at them saying that about if you were going to do it you'd have done it by now, how is that helpful to you?? Just ignore them saying that, we know how hard you've battled to fight against those feelings and what it's taken to stay with your DD.

Let your mum and your friend wrap you up and care for you, and try not to be so hard on yourself, you are worth it.