Confused and scared

[GracieLoo]

I feel like I'm becoming someone else, like this depression is trying to ruin me and it's winning, and one day it's going to get me. I can't relax, my brain won't switch off. I'm looking after my dd, taking her places, I have to, I'm her mum and we're on our own. But I never feel normal.

Anxiety is taking over, I often drive around and around, voices in my head arguing over where I can go, or not to go or something bad could happen there. I over analyze everything. I'm surprised I get anything done, but I do eventually, after a battle with myself.

I'm scared because everyday is a struggle, if dd wasn't here, I definitely wouldn't be. On the really bad days, I feel she would be better with someone else before I damage her emotionally, and she ends up just like me. I think I've ended up like my dad.

Today I've become obsessed with wanting a baby, as I had a dream I did last night. I feel I will have one, I need to or I can't go on. I know this doesn't sound right, but I just desperately want a normal family. Not sure it will ever happen. I just feel so sad and alone, and I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm scared I'm really not well. I'm aware this post sounds like I'm strange, I'm really not, on the outside, but my head feels so messed up.

What is wrong with me, I just want to sleep. Really worried about work now, getting panicky and feeling sick. I can't handle not sleeping, it's never been this bad before

Just wanted to post a hand hold in case you don't get many replies this time of night. I don't have much useful advice but from your posts it sounds to me like the thing that's holding you back from actually going through with your plans is your dd. try to hang on to that thought. She loves you no matter what you think purely because you are her mum.

My DH has trouble sleeping very often. Tonight he snuggled up on the sofa with his duvet and put the golf on the telly to try and send himself to sleep. Maybe try something like that?

I really hope you get some sleep Gracie. Hand holding here. Find that little bit of strength somewhere deep down inside and call out for help.

Thank you Natmu, nice to not feel quite so alone. Well I haven't slept much, 3 hours til 1.30, what does this mean? Scared and I don't know why. Might as well just get up but can't even make that decision the state I'm in, feel so strange.

About to call my cpn, my hearts pounding. What if she's not there, I can't cope with this!

Hearing everyone outside going to school/work, carrying on with their normal lives. Feel like I'm in a bubble.

I felt a bit like that yesterday. As if I was folded inside my self or a ghost. Its awful. (((hugs)))

Hi Gracie, hope you have managed to get through to your CPN and she has been helpful?

Left a message for her to call back, I said I really needed to speak to someone. I bet she doesn't call back. Starting to chicken out now. Really worried about my job now, bet they're all bitching about me, had quite a lot of time off. I'm failing at everythin, struggling to keep a job and house or care for dd.

Gracie - if she's not called back by lunchtime then call her back again and instead of saying you really need to speak to someone, say that you are very suicidal and are worried that you are losing control.

If she doesn't get back after lunch, call at 2, 3, and 4. They will get the message that you need help. xxx

I rang again, she'd popped out again, I said is there anyone else I could speak to as feeling ill. I don't think they're taking me seriously. I've got five hours til I pick dd up, finding it hard to walk let alone drive, body feels so heavy.

Spoke to her, seeing her wed am. Don't know what I expected really, seems to be a lack of any kind of crisis team round here!

Did you tell her how suicidal you are?

I said I've been having lots of suicidal thoughts, and haven't got enough tablets here but the shops just around the corner, I also told her other things I've thought of doing but not even said on her. She asked if I felt I would do anything today, I said honestly I don't know! But the plan was Friday. I said I only slept 3 hours, feel like I
can hardly walk, getting paranoid about people and cars going past, that they all know I'm in here thinking like this. She sounded worried but said can I let my family know, I said I really don't think I can. She said not to worry about work, to call in sick again. She said she's on a course tomorrow but can I see her wed am. She said it's all to do with change of meds and I missed doses of venlafaxine as it was making me sick, but that's been going on for weeks, and I've just started sertraline which I find much easier to take. Thing is it takes time for it to work so I'm going to struggle surely, but I don't know of I can fight these thoughts. I did feel a bit better now she knows.

Finally got out of bed, sat watching Friends with a hot water bottle, feeling achey all over. What the hell is wrong with me?! Feel like I'm having a breakdown. Just realised I have nothing for dd's lunches this week, I'm just having tea and cereal. Means I need to go to shops and I want to buy more tablets.

Sorry for waffling on, and sorry if this upsets people, it's my only release at the moment.

Oh bloody hell. I'm cross on your behalf with her saying that its down to the change in meds - last breakdown I had was when I stopped taking the sodding things and I was still given a med review and help to get through it. I'm also cross that she's not put you in touch with the Crisis Team to check in on you tomorrow. Leaving you for another day or so when you are feeling like you are becasue she's on a course is ridiculous. The very least she could have done was arrange for a few tranquilisers to help you get through the day.

Sorry if I sound angry, I'm not cross with you or anything you've done, but I'm very cross that now you've been incredibly brave and strong by reaching out for help when I know its difficult for you, that she's let you down. MH services really do leave a bit to be desired these days they really do.

I know you can get through these few days. I'm here if you want to talk things through.

She was annoyed the doctor gave me a whole months worth of meds, he has always said 'well you can't overdose on them anyway!'. I have one diazepam left, was told to take half if I can't sleep tonight. Can't imagine living without these thoughts and urges now.

Went to pick up dd earlier and stopped at a cemetery. No idea why. Found it peaceful, there was a grave there of a young mum decorated with cards and pottery saying 'mummy' on it. I didn't even cry, felt nothing, just thought that could be me.

Anxious about not sleeping tonight, I've a lot on my mind, and now I just feel I've ruined everything. Have felt like this for so long now, it's never going to get better.

I need to phone work today to say I won't be in tomorrow, I don't know what to say, really don't want to. I don't want to lie, but I don't want to tell them everything. My cpn has told me to take it off and see her tomorrow, but I'm scared if I say i'm under the cmht they'll say I can't work there anymore.

Gracie, it can and it will get better. I know its hard to see it when you are where you are, but it really can.

I'm glad you're not in work today and thats the one sensible piece of advice from your CPN that I'm glad you're taking. I find that 'vertigo' is a marvellous reason for being off work. Its no specific and it can't be proved. I'd go for that if I were you.

I've rang work to say I'll be in tomorrow, and left a message for cpn that I won't make appt. I know you'll say I'm so stupid, but the guilt of not working, and worry of what people will say plus not getting paid, is just stressing me out today. Only got to work that one day, I don't work full time anyway. I'm already anxious about going in but I've done it now.

I've been doing a bit of housework, I can't stand having a messy house, I can go a bit too far but if everything's in order my head can feel less messed up. Exhausted now though and want to sleep but got dd this afternoon.

Can you rearrange the appointment for a day when you're not working?

She only works mon to wed, so I'm seeing her next week, although she's left my appt open in the morning, so if I don't make it to work I can go to see her.

I felt calmer earlier but starting to feel wobbly again. Wish I could have a good cry but I don't think I'd ever stop.

Please go to see her. Please. You really don't want another weekend like the one you've just had.

All I keep seeing is people at work talking about me, then it'll be harder when I go back, or if I don't there'll be all the forms to fill in and the shame of not working I think I can get through one day although I'm scared of breaking down as feel I've holding back the tears for the past week. It does mean I have the weekend, it's going to be a long weekend with dd at her dads, could be ok but could go all wrong.

Also I googled 'breakdown' earlier and was scared to see that the last two days I pretty much covered all the symptoms, but as today was easier I'm not sure? Only thing is I had no energy to go buy stuff or think about things, now I do and it's not good. Dd has been goof today and it's making me feel sad I'm feeling like this.

'good' not goof obviously