Confused and scared

[GracieLoo]

I feel like I'm becoming someone else, like this depression is trying to ruin me and it's winning, and one day it's going to get me. I can't relax, my brain won't switch off. I'm looking after my dd, taking her places, I have to, I'm her mum and we're on our own. But I never feel normal.

Anxiety is taking over, I often drive around and around, voices in my head arguing over where I can go, or not to go or something bad could happen there. I over analyze everything. I'm surprised I get anything done, but I do eventually, after a battle with myself.

I'm scared because everyday is a struggle, if dd wasn't here, I definitely wouldn't be. On the really bad days, I feel she would be better with someone else before I damage her emotionally, and she ends up just like me. I think I've ended up like my dad.

Today I've become obsessed with wanting a baby, as I had a dream I did last night. I feel I will have one, I need to or I can't go on. I know this doesn't sound right, but I just desperately want a normal family. Not sure it will ever happen. I just feel so sad and alone, and I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm scared I'm really not well. I'm aware this post sounds like I'm strange, I'm really not, on the outside, but my head feels so messed up.

I also hate that they keep telling me they don't think hospital will help, as there are very ill people there and it's very loud, not that I want to go to hospital, but it makes me feel my problems are trivial. I know I'm not acutely ill. God i'm so worried about people knowing, I wish everything was just normal.

You are acutely ill.

Hot chocolate, dressing gowns and Disney sound like a wonderful way to get through an afternoon. I'm bloody impressed that you're still managing to look after your DD so well despite being so ill.

Gracie, you are ill. But you are bearing up so well, I am so in impressed with you reading this thread. Well done for contacting the CPN and for meeting with them today, that's such a huge step.

Please keep coming back here and talking. I don't have any practical experience I can offer, but I just wanted to tell you that I'm one of many people here listening, and please listen to the advice of people who do have experience.

I agree with babyheave that you should talk to your mum. I imagine it must be so scary, the thought of telling her, but she loves you and will want to help you. Maybe she could come around after work and bring some basics from the shop for you?

Well done, love. You are doing brilliantly so far, keep going x

I went to the shop round the corner, got enough for dd until she goes tomorrow, tried to get vodka and got asked for ID! Not been asked for years, threw me into a panic and made me so angry. I muttered stuff under my breath and left, got dd, now home. Feel jittery things are falling apart, not going the way I want. Trying to take it hour by hour and all that, but it's so hard. I'm going to do some art stuff with dd, without getting irritable and fed up! Think she's got used to amusing herself, It's not her fault I'm like this.

Taking it hour by hour is a very good idea. will be on later.

Really want to go buy some alcohol and make all these thoughts go away. Haven't made it to the doctors to get my sleeping tablets, but was told to take them when dd is not here anyway. I don't think they'll give me many but the thoughts there of having more stuff in the house. The ct said to give my meds to someone, but I said no one really knows, so it's a bit hard to go to someone and say 'do you mind looking after these so I don't take the whole lot, thanks!'. I know family would want to know, but it's best they don't, want it to be normal when I see them and not be the gossip around them all. Everything's a mess, this afternoons gone ok, luckily dd is easy. I can just feel things building up and now I don't trust the professionals to tell people and make things so much worse.

Want to come back to this thread as feels more comfortable. Everything i've done today, in the back of my mind, i've thought this might be the last time I do this. Avoiding speaking to people where possible, texted friends back but easy to put on a happy front by text. A lot of my thoughts are about dd at the moment, ahe's always been my prorective factor, but i'm feeling distant from her, and even more so when she's not here, and I just see her happy with other people. The bad thoughts just take over though, and i'm scared. I don't want to be on my own but don't want to be with anyone who knows me.

Heads all over the place but slept better, thinking I'm going to say to ct I don't think they need to see me, I'm wasting their time. I don't think I'd ring them anyway so I should let really ill people use their service. I'm not saying this for a reaction, it's what I've woken up and decided. I don't like feeling I'm not in control. It's a friends bday tonight, not sure if I should go or not, as I know I'm not right and it could make things worse, but I want to make the decision. Think I sound selfish but I'm just scared. Don't know what I'm doing or how I'm feeling. Want to scream!

Hi Gracie, I'm sure it must be so scary. But could you think again about not calling the CT? Or your mum? As you say, your mum would want to know. You're not wasting anyone's time.

Gracie, now you've finally got the help you need, telling them that you don't need it is not a sensible thing at all. Things can and will get better, but you need to engage with the people who can help you.

Keep on going with the CT. Keep away from Google and MH forums which are making you more worried, get your sleeping tablets - I'm guessing you've been given zopiclone - and please consider telling your mum that you're not well and you need help.

Feeling scared, feeling out of control, feeling suicidal. This is not the time to turn your back on help.

Instead of focusing on the bad, I'll share something nice about my day.

Spring has finally come to Cumbria. Finally. The daffodils are coming out - they are at least a month behind when they normally arrive and there are so many little lambs around, my longing for mint sauce is hitting an all time high.

Life can be bright and kind, including yours.

Trouble is infront of family and friends I just say I'm find, play things down and don't tell the truth, I can't help it, it's instinctive, and I've always done so. So I'm not sure it will be beneficial.

Lying in bed with feeling of panic. I don't know what to say or do. Didn't get to show this thread yesterday as wasn't comfortable enough to. Scared of who's going to turn up today, really not comfortable with men. I want my cpn to talk to but she's not at work til mon. Everything's getting worse, I'm not making attempts to do anything right now so I'm fine.

Ps Thanks for the nice post, did give me a nice image of daffodils in my head.

They've been, got to see them again tomorrow, and if I ring them it's confidential.

Glad you're letting them in to help xx.

Cumbria is beautiful in the spring and the snow has only properly cleared the mountains in the last few warm days. Which is lovely as frankly its been tit-freezingly cold for weeks now. We've also not had much rain, which confuses us as its meant to rain daily. Will the lakes dry up? Oh the horror

Its absolutely confidential what happens with the CT. Once you have got around the problem of not wanting to bother people for help, having a number you can call in the middle of the night can be a life saver xx

Gracie, I always read and rarely post. I am so happy you are getting the support you need :)

Ok, alone now, what to do? Too exhausted to actually think, need to get the sleeping pills but feel like I can't move. CT said I overthink things but I don't know how to stop. They also mentioned complex needs which has been suggested before, but need to get through today first.

Try to muster up enough energy to get out and fetch the sleeping tablets. If you take one tonight quite early that will mean you get an evening where you don't have to spend time alone with your head - which is a difficult place at the moment - and you will also get a good night's sleep, which will really help with your mood.

Its a plan at least.

Still haven't moved from bed, fell asleep for a bit, feel so spaced out and weird. Really tense, like I'm frozen to the spot. Going through the journey in my head to get to the chemist and I just can't do it, I can't, what is wrong with me? I need to get a drink but even that's hard. Sound pathetic but feel horrible

Feel a failure I can't do these things. I stood up and started shaking, couldn't stop my teeth chattering. If I go downstairs I might take the tablets. Sat holding my phone for ages, then rang the ct number and no one answered. Think I'm losing it, and some crazy part of me thinks I'm ok to go out for a friends bday drinks this eve!

Try the CT again. Could you ask a friend if they could pick up the prescription, or even (dare I say it) ask your mum if you could come over? At least then you won't be alone.

I should imagine its bloody scary being on your own when your head is obsessing about the pills.

{{hugs}}

Stay talking to us. I have to put the small heaves to bed in a bit but will be around this evening.

I went and got them, took a good hour to motivate must to go though. Rang my mum earlier as knew she'd worry if I didn't, but she's actually ill and couldn't talk anyway.

Started to do something but think it was more of an urge than anything, so rang ct and it was a man, I couldn't say what I wanted to, ended up sounded up pathetic. Don't know why I can't talk to men. Slowly getting ready to see my friend, have said I'm not feeling great but will show my face for a couple of hours. Hearts pounding at the thought of it, but I can't stay here alone. This afternoons been hard.

Everything happening tonight is part of my plan, don't know if I'm scared or not, just feels right. I've completey detached myself from things that matter to me.

And I keep making spelling mistakes, I hate making mistakes

The only reason I don't make spelling mistakes is because since upgrading my version of IE, it corrects them for me!

Plans are fine so long as its a good plan. Sitting obsessing about harming yourself or doing anything that could harm you isn't a good plan.

Good for you trying to go out. That's a good plan as it means you're not by yourself. An even better plan will be to tell your friend how ill you are at the moment, but I understand how hard that can be.

Calling the CT was a good plan, even if it was a man who answered. If things get overwhelming again, call them again especially if you are back to thinking of harming yourself.

Next part of a good plan would be to take one sleeping pill when you get home from seeing your friend and having a decent night's sleep.

You can do this. Honestly you can.