Confused and scared

[GracieLoo]

I feel like I'm becoming someone else, like this depression is trying to ruin me and it's winning, and one day it's going to get me. I can't relax, my brain won't switch off. I'm looking after my dd, taking her places, I have to, I'm her mum and we're on our own. But I never feel normal.

Anxiety is taking over, I often drive around and around, voices in my head arguing over where I can go, or not to go or something bad could happen there. I over analyze everything. I'm surprised I get anything done, but I do eventually, after a battle with myself.

I'm scared because everyday is a struggle, if dd wasn't here, I definitely wouldn't be. On the really bad days, I feel she would be better with someone else before I damage her emotionally, and she ends up just like me. I think I've ended up like my dad.

Today I've become obsessed with wanting a baby, as I had a dream I did last night. I feel I will have one, I need to or I can't go on. I know this doesn't sound right, but I just desperately want a normal family. Not sure it will ever happen. I just feel so sad and alone, and I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm scared I'm really not well. I'm aware this post sounds like I'm strange, I'm really not, on the outside, but my head feels so messed up.

I don't think they'll take me seriously until I'm sat there with the tablets, or taken them, or stood on a motorway bridge wanting to jump

Have you found anything that's helped in the past?

I've hardly slept, so tired my head feels thick and foggy. Woke up with a feeling of dread, got three days of caring for dd, then back to the routine of work/nursery etc. Got no opportunity, got to get through it, until next wkend when I've got 3 days alone. Had less pills than I thought last night, so the bad part of me though I'll get more. No point ringing anyone as I've got to keep safe over the next few days, going to be hard though.

Still really upset about the way GP treated me yesterday, it's him I always see, maybe it was because I had dd with with me he knew I couldn't talk infront of her, or he's given up on me and doesn't care.

God I am so sorry, have been thinking about you today. You need to tell the cpn or the samaritans or someone. You really need treatment of whatever kind it takes to get you through this.

You are doing so well with so much on your plate. Its shit when you hate your job, isn't it? I used to drink every night to get me through the stress of a job I hated. I bet your daughter is lovely though, so that balances it out I reckon

Please don't appologise, I'm not worth worrying about. I feel bad I don't answer questions, I don't know what helps, don't find anything does when I've got that bad.

So exhausted from everything that's going on, it's tiring fighting this. I don't even want to fight it. Spent today manically cleaning and tidying, trying to get some order in this mess of my life! And took dd to the park, she's oblivious I hope. Drew me a nice pic which was nice and made me sad. I must seem so normal on the outside, wish someone would notice. Want to scream at everyone what's going on in my head. Read today about Marion Keys begging her mum to let her end it, I wish people would say to me, if you're struggling so much, do it, we'll be fine!

Gracie, I know I keep banging on about this but you're really poorly and you need help. If you had such an awful headache that meant you couldn't concentrate and was do bad you were thinking of ending it all as you couldn't bare the physical pain any more you'd have gone to A&E by now. If you can't do A&E then get back to your GP and tell them straight how suicidal you are. You need to tell them, they won't ask you, you need to do this.

We care about you here and we know it can get better and you don't have to be like this but you must go and get external help NOW.

No one will tell you it's ok to end it as it isn't. You will fuck up your DD. Go and get help.

I don't feel like I'm ill, does that sound stupid?

I'm trying my hardest with dd, she's happy, she's played with a friend this am, I'm now sat in my car thinking about going into the shop. She's asleep in the car, I feel so, so tired. I want to buy a bottle of wine for tonight, and some tablets for next week just so I know they're there. Please don't think I'm a bad mum, I don't drink loads, I always get up to her etc. I think I'm doing a rubbish job as a mum but I don't want others to think so, and no one has ever said so. I just think it can't be good for a child to grow up with an unhappy mum, the younger she is the less she'll remember.

I feel like someone else is writing this, like it's not me.

I don't think you're a bad mum at all, not one jot. The fact that you are still doing your best by her and caring for her speaks volumes about how good a mum you are. No one here is saying for one moment that you are bad.

You're right that its not good for your DD to grow up with a happy mum, which is why you need to get help, not end your life. If you do, she will spend her whole life wondering why she wasn't good enough to stop you from killing yourself. She will grow up thinking she's not worth much and a million and one questions about you that no one will be able to answer.

Being suicidal doesn't make you a bad mum, but it does mean you are very poorly. I know about not feeling like you're ill. Right up until I was admitted to hospital last year, I didn't think I was that bad. I was actually really ill and didn't realise how much so until I got better.

I will give you all of the support I can, but I'm not going to stop telling you to go and tell your GP that you are seriously suicidal and that you've been making plans, or go to A&E.

Should have read "grow up with an unhappy mum".

I can't get help this weekend as have dd with me, I'm on my own and struggling so much to keep things normal. I am listening to your advice, but deep down terrified. How did you get admitted to hospital? Did you tell your family? That's my biggest fear, them knowing. Wish I could make it look like an accident.

Dd is watching a film, at least she's seen a friend and been out, feel less guilty she's watching it and I'm in another room trying to hold it together.

I was admitted after I had a total breakdown, mainly cos I left it too long to get help. I went in voluntarily though. The time after that I stayed home and had home care. They don't admit people unless they really have to. No one told my family, it's confidential.

Really, you are are worth worrying about. I have been thinking of you again today. If you told your family would they be supportive? You cannot continue like this, you must be exhausted. Please listen to babyheave, she has experience of this and is at the other side of it now.

You sound incredibly strong and like a great mum, so please make someone listen to you for your own sake but also for your daughter's.

I know I can't continue like this, I'm coping on the outside(most of the time) but really crumbling inside. My family would be supportive but I would feel so ashamed, a burden, worried I'd let them down and so much more. I've always been private, and hate crying infront of people. A tiny part of me wants to text a friend and say I'm not too good, but I can't, I'm not that kind of person. I don't like drawing attention to myself. Although I'm being pretty attention seeking on here I know! It's keeping me sane, and I'm so grateful for responses. Wish we could all get together and support each other.

Anyway, starting on the wine, want to numb this somehow. Tonight dd has been unsettled going to bed, not wanting to let go of me, saying 'don't go'. Behaviour I've not seen for a good year or so. Do you think she's sensing what I'm feeling? How awful do I feel now. Wish I had gone when she was a baby then she could be settled with someone else. I'm starting to feel very on edge myself.

Along with other posters, I also know you are worth worrying about, and if you told anyone in your family there would be no reason on earth to feel ashamed or that you'd be a burden, you haven't let anyone down, what you're feeling isn't a weakness, you're ill.

Posting on this thread isn't attention seeking either, you're looking for support when you're feeling distressed. Given that I'm similar to how you describe with the keeping it in when you're with other people and not liking to draw attention to yourself, I understand the difficulty you must have had to reach out and post, and that shows you have a huge measure of strength and courage to keep on trying to help yourself.

That tiny bit of you wanting to send a text to your friend is a chink of hope, could you try to expand it by writing the text but not sending it until you're ready? Or if you don't feel comfortable doing that, just run through in your head how you'd word it?

Or is there anyone in the family you're closer to than the others? Maybe someone not in your immediate family who you could tell but wouldn't involve your parents/siblings until you felt comfortable? Perhaps you could write an email to them that again, you don't have to send until you're ready, but you might be able to get things down you'd have trouble saying out loud?

Do you think your Mum or Dad might want to know though? I know I would.

You've let us in, isn't it time you let someone who knows and loves you in RL in now?

There's a lady I text who is lovely, I used to work with her. She actually works for samaritans. But there is something stopping me, and I know how frustrating that is to hear. I keep thinking she's got her own family etc, I'm not her problem. The reason I can't tell my family easily is we had a very close person commit suicide when I was younger. It is difficult to bring it all back to everyone and worry them. I would explain the best I could why I had to, never blaming anyone but myself.

Find weekends especially hard, and I have to work Monday. I know I'm really not thinking rationally. Nothing makes sense. Wish u lovely people were here in RL

Gracie, you wouldn't be a burden to your and you should never be ashamed.

I don't know what to say to help you, but I wanted to say that I have read your thread and if there was anything I could do to help, I would.

If you told your family you were feeling ill, without telling them what, would they be able to look after your DD so you could go to A&E?

Could you take the risk and tell your friend then leave the decision over whether she can help you up to her? The fact that your friend works for the samaritans is very telling about what kind of person she is, it sounds more than likely that she would want to help you and be glad you felt you could go to her.

That is a bit difficult with what happened with your family when you were younger, but when it gets down to brass tacks, given how strongly you feel, they have every right to be worried about you don't they?

Wouldn't they want to be given the opportunity to help you, regardless of the extra stress what happened in the past could stir up?

Although I really do think you should tell people the extent of your pain, I'm torn wondering whether you could just give your family an indication that things aren't right, because the support they could give you for whatever you felt you could tell them would be better than none? You could go on to tell them gradually when you're able find the words for it?

There's good reason for being isolated to be at the centre of so many horror films, because it is so scary.

Also, don't feel you have to say anything to go along with any suggestions I've made, they are only that, suggestions, I don't think anything of it if you can't do them.

I have no right to tell you what to do with your life. But please for the sake of the precious, beautiful, amazing daughter you have don't kill yourself. You will leave an impact so devastating on her it will stay with her forever. Every single minute of her life will be marred with sadness and a longing for you. Her first day at school, high school, her engagement, wedding, first child... Your death will define the path her life will take. However bad you think you are as a mum (and for the record you sound amazing), there is nothing worse you can do to her than killing or harming yourself. I'm sorry if I sound judgemental, I don't mean to. But I care about what happens to you and your daughter.

Oh god not another day. Want to speak to cpn on Tuesday, but first I've got to get through today and work tomorrow.

Was woken at 5 and couldn't go back to sleep, knackered. The thought of work tomorrow is panicking me and making my stomach have butterflies, think it's knowing I have to pretend im ok all day in a stressful job. If I don't go in I don't get paid. Just waffling now to avoid doing anything so I'll shut up. Even having a shower is hard! Feel like there's voices arguing in my head all the time.

Hi Gracie - I'm going to PM you. Because I've posted about my experiences under different NNs and I don't particularly want to out myself under this NN I'm going to send you the links.

I'm not doing this in a 'look at me I'm so great' for getting through it kind of way, but because I want you to read it and know you're not alone.

Just lying in bed, unable to do anything. Managed to get help with dd for a while, made some excuses up. Got a headache and starting to feel sick now, appetite has disappeared. Feeling closer to getting help now but still think I should just go to work tomorrow otherwise that will be another worry. God, wish someone could just take over my life for a while.

'Feeling closer to getting help now'

It's scary shit, but we'll be here willing you on.

'wish someone could just take over my life for a while.'

That is such a great idea, I'm sure someone could make a bit of cash offering that as a service, there'd be no end of takers

Can't sleep, having a really restless night. Telling myself it the wind whistling at the windows waking me up, but I know it's other stuff keeping me awake. Wish I wasn't so useless at reaching out for help as feel so alone. I'm going to really push myself to work tomorrow, just one day, then beg for help, hope I can do it.