Andes up - who needs a rock to lean on? Rock on over here!

[ThatVikRinA22]

in honour of ed and her mountain ranges.....

welcome to thread 3 - this is a support thread for anyone needing a hand to hold while they get through depression or any other mental health problems - long term or temporary. All are welcome.

linky to old thread

I was feeling quite pleased with myself having, this morning, done my bi-weekly washing-up mega-session, tidied the under-stairs area (I wish it was a cupboard) and put washing in. However, I have rowed with DS (or as I am affectionately calling him whingy-woo) and had my mum on the phone three times already!!!!!!!

She means well but oh dear God! Why does the fact by db/dsil are having ds on wednesday night (I'm staying there too) need to be questioned extensively? Why do I need an exact time that DF will return my car? I'm not her - I just don't care!!!!!!

What I do care about is ds telling me I never listen to him (because I wouldn't be goaded into a row) and the fact I only just passed the first assignment for my dissertation because I happened to be in a deep dip at the time but didn't tell the OU so just did a make-do job and kept my fingers crossed.

Still grotty level 1 but been up since 8 - even went out to water plants - it was warm then I want to clear up garden but have no room in my rubbish bin having thrown out a fair bit of rubbish lately.

So I am officially but wishing I was especially since I have been trying quite hard to be kind to myself, accepting of who I am and ready to make changes out of love for myself rather than hatred but then I turn into this raging cow and I am back to square one because my dm can't stick to texts (and, to be fair, why should she - just because I don't like phone calls?) and just because WW is acting like a WW (he has a spot - puberty is flowing through his body like pyroclastic flows through pompeii leaving devastation in its wake).

Rant over - phew!! Hope it entertains So I've done pretty well - not goaded into a row (though did shout a bit when ds threw his homework at me) and I was pleasant to dm despite her never getting off the damn phone.

I will have a nice cuppa sitting in the garden in pj's then go get a shower . Later, I may eat some smelly cheese and, later still, I may go to my friend's farm to feed the pet lambs

ps UA get out of bed - accept that other people can be a pain in the backside - have a nice cuppa and enjoy the peace There is nothing so bad that five minutes well-wrapped-up sitting in the garden cannot cure

CQ we don't keep tabs here just use the thread as suits you. We tend to assume absenteeism is good (no need of us) and presence is moderately good (you're reaching out (yey!) but you still have mental health needs (grr!)

ive read everyones posts but its a mad dash here at min....im still level 1 but about to get into shower....

just wanted to quickly answer cap - yes, being around the horses really helped me. still does. it gives me a reason to get up - i tend to txt riding instructor and tell her when i will be there so im committed to getting up and going. That in itself is good, but then fresh air, hard work and being with such loving animals is a tonic. I havent been all week and im feeling it. i text my RI to say i would be there after my interview - probably will go tuesday - if i text and commit it means i have to go. Ive not ridden for a couple of weeks, im useless at it but i enjoy it. I have to concentrate really hard (RI shouts at me! i have to really concentrate on coordination!)

am about to do a dummy run to where the interview is so cant stay on now but will be back later.

im getting nervous now. its a 3 person panel interview....im going to do the dummy run today and study the person spec and job description tomorrow....

eeek.

oh but a good sign......i found my beloved suit skirt that i thought id put in a charity bag! after months of looking it was just there, in my wardrobe....really weird! so im hoping thats a good sign.....

Don't all RIs shout vicar ?

Hooray for skirt suit. Am in a terrible phase of losing things, mostly short term. Partly cos of tiredness, partly as have seen aged P's and that always stresses me.

This morning I was rampaging round going 'keys! keys! where the F are you?' - eventually found under my bedtime book next to bed. Since then I have temp mislaid mobile, and hot water bottle (needed for yet another nap)

Well thats another afternoon slept away.

Tbf I had an awful nights sleep last night.

I have lost my keys. If anyone knows where they are while we are on a finding mission I would be grateful.

evening.

well my dummy run went well - it takes only 15 mins to get there. It would be so fantastic if i could get this job. I am longing for normality - for working normal days, in normal clothes, going home each night, having weekends at home, seeing my family, not worrying all the time.

the skirt suit thing is really weird. i swear i had gone through every inch of my wardrobe with a fine tooth comb and couldnt find it - i had convinced myself that i had put it into a charity bag in my brain addled state. i even had a thread on here about it as i was so annoyed with myself.

today i went to find a top and there it was. please God let it be a sign!

ive decided that if i get it im leaving the police. I feel in my heart this would be the right thing and now ive allowed myself to feel that, i feel only relief.

hope your keys turn up egg. my suit has been awol for yonks - i wanted it last year and couldnt find it....seems things just turn up when you need them.

check the fridge, and the bin. and pockets. dressing gown pockets included. then check bathroom, bedroom, kitchen etc....

am off to watch more tv....am addicted to Game of Thrones - finally got around to watching it. Have watched the entire first series in 2 days....

its my 22nd anniversary today.
i feel a bit terrible that its more or less passed me by.

anyway. will be back tomorrow. hope the rest of you are all ok, onward and upward. have forgotten my meds today....best go take them before i forget again.

Hi everyone. had a busy day today with family and friends. Now feeling pretty lost and down. I didn't want it to end.
Dd is looked after by mum in law when Im struggling but our relationship isn't really close enough for her to help with my issues. It's really just a matter of surviving now I think. I keep taking the Prozac but only because I want to avoid any withdrawal symptoms.
I hope you all enjoy the rest of the weekend xxx

tom keep on keeping on - there will be better days.

how long have you been on prozac?

i started sertraline in december but it took a really long time to feel any effects.

have you had a review of the meds?

i found i had to have an increase on my meds to make me feel anything like better.
have a good day tomorrow....what ever that entails.

in other news....(or the same news that ive been wittering about constantly for weeks actually but....)
DH and i had a good chat about work etc today. i feel bad because if i do get this other job, its a big loss pay wise....but he said neither of us are career minded and its not worth it if i hate it and it makes me ill.....
he is right and im lucky that he is so understanding.

its just not right for me. i feel alienated and alone at work. i just want a normal job and a quiet life i think. no nights. normal hours. office based. with normal people.

fate will decide i guess. its going to be this job, another job, or a move within the job im in. i wish i was tougher. i wish i didnt care what others think, and could just do what i know to be right. I think, if i could get a handle on that, then the job wouldnt be an issue - its not the job really, its the people i work along side. i have no connection to them. and they none to me. police family my arse....

anyway. im waffling again. off to bed....gnite all and hope tomorrow is a good one for everyone on the thread.

(might sneak in the first episode of season 2 of game of thrones before bed....am still wide awake. sleep patterns buggered....)

Evening all.

Reasonable day today.
Awful nights sleep. Always is after I set alarm for first time in ages.
Up and out of house by 9.20 (level 3)
Went to a shopping outlet. Spent £120 on birthday pressies and new food processor to replace the one I broke a couple of weeks ago.
Back home 12.30ish. Skipped lunch. Had 2hr nap.
Got up at 5ish. Microwaved tea without putting tea in the microwave...wondered what the horrid smell was.
'Babysat' my own dcs for 3hrs while xp went out. Did homework with dd3 and nitty gritty. Snuggled on sofa watching dvd.
Did some prep for brownies holiday which is terrifyingly close.
Tidied out my handbag looking for keys. Didn't find them but have thrown a huge pile of random reciepts away.

Forgot my meds yesterday, but surprisingly I'm not too shaky today. I am shaky but not too bad. A real sign I am on an uphill crest :)

vicar you sound much more up beat than you did a few days ago :) is interview Monday?

tombliboo great. I'm guessing you must have been out of bed. helles will be proud (she's our mrs motivator and regularly drags us out of bed).

Xpost.

How are things with you and dh/dd. I know you were finding it tough a couple of weeks ago.

x posts egg....

i forgot my meds yesterday too....its uncanny that we seem to be on such a parallel!

yep - interview monday....if you have any lucky vibes to spare then send them my way at about half ten....

i have vowed to be get my sleeping sorted after tomorrow. will allow myself a lie in tomorrow, then interview prep and suit sorting....

then up early monday
think i will go to stables either tues or weds....or maybe both!
seeing a pal thurs...
should keep me busy.

x post again!
blimey!

things better with dh / dd....

today is my wedding anniversary - 22 yrs. to my shame i didnt mark it....dh did get me a card and chocs.....but we are skint. totally. bathroom took all i had so not done much - we will go for a meal out just the two of us next week.

dd has been much more human of late.....after the big row of last week, we have been much better. she has been lovely actually.
ds has split with his girlfriend but seems ok....

Hello, first post on this thread.

Struggling tonight. I'm off university til next week and the change in routine is getting to me. Also, I split with my partner. And got no friends round here (have retreated to my parents.)

All in all, it's not going so great. But had some really really up days directly after splitting with him. Wish I could get those back.

Yup. I'm home alone so no alarm. No children. planning a lay in and then not going to allow myself to go back to bed :)

Still haven't found my keys. Been using dtd2s. They have been missing about a week...so who knows where they are. Because I have been using dtd2s there has been no impetus to look for them. ..so I didn't. ..now I don't even know where I had them last. Then are not in coat pockets. They are not in jeans pockets. They are not in my bag. They are not on the hook.

I think I may have last had them out and about and when I got back dtds opened the door...so I may even have lost them outside the house. ..

And dtds are back at school tomorrow so I can't use hers forever....

hi mt
so sorry to read that you are having problems too, how do you feel about the split? if its the right thing for you then it will work out....the up days following the split sound like it maybe is the right thing - but a period of "mourning" is perfectly normal.

how long you planning on staying with parents?

im sure they will want to give you a bit of TLC....if so, let them.

im off to bed in a mo - ive had too much and have a headache....will be back tomorrow though. keep posting if it helps - i find just warbling whatever is in my head really helps lay it to rest.
or just warbling is good....

much love.
and to all on here....

till tomorrow x

Warbling is good, you're right.

My parents don't really do TLC. They're not mean (these days) but they're not really huggy, it'll-be-ok types. More like "pretend this isn't happening". I have spoken to some friends on Skype etc, but not the same as a big hug :/

How do I feel about the split? I dunno. It was the right thing for me to do. He let me down constantly. I was so tired of being let down. I was so tired of being in a relationship and feeling lonely.

But at the same time, the thought of life without him is terrifying.

Shit, I just burst into tears. First time I've cried since we split. I need it though.

Thanks for listening x

Huge hugs.

We do nice group hugs on this thread. I'm throwing one your way.

Iirc you're doing pgce? So am I supposedly. Been off sick since oct. And I also split with xp whilst on the course (well technically I was on a pre PGCE enhancement course). This thread is great for warbling...I'm very good at it. If you want any other pgce related guidance or non guidance feel free to pm me.

Morning. Sluggish morning.

Awake 9.30 which was good.

Still in bed which is bad.

Going to get up and eat....need to do some tidying in an attempt to find my keys...

mt - tears are healing - i always feel so much better if i have a cry. It doesnt happen often, and im not very good at it.

Afternoon everyone.

Im having a relaxed day - and getting ready for the interview. Suit sorted, top picked, tights found, shoes polished, documents found, answers at the ready (i think...)

will get up early, shower and wash hair, do make up. Just not sure whether to wear hair up or down....wondering if it would matter?

please everyone - keep your fingers crossed for me tomorrow morning. I hope they dont throw anything at me that i cant deal with or answer.

going to look again at person spec and description but my mind keeps going blank...

Still in bed...

Been crocheting all day...I am on to winnie the pooh.

I might get up and get a chinese. I might not. ..

vicar wear your hair whichever makes you look more efficient.

How about going somewhere you can't be heard, and reading the specs out loud? This may circumvent blank mind.

Feel depressed. Still sleeping a lot. Have not felt like this since before I filed for divorce Sept 2011. One good thing, I know this must be due to seeing parents - I always did feel like this after seeing them, but this is more obvious since it is not mixed with depression over being with Ex, or my circumstances, job etc. (Anyone wanting to find out the details of run in with DF could look on the EA thread in Relationships)

However, I know I'll emerge from this, gradually sorting and cleaning, this will help.

Vicar I will be thinking of very much tomorrow and saying a little prayer
Be your lovely self no more no less. I think hair up ? but am a bit out of touch maybe .

So much has happened in your life this year. I truly believe that out of all this pain that a new contentment will grow . You have learned so much about yourself and what matters .

Lovely you have a diamond of a husband who told you that you will manage on less pay . Mine told me the same and we are fine and dandy .
Yup no holidays or new stuff but the peace of mind is priceless. You will be fine honestly .

I am sad at the moment ....just very sad . Am going to allow myself today to wallow a bit . Then pick myself up ,dust myself down and start all over again hopefully .

Good luck sweetie .

and hiya to all x

Everything crossed for you tomorrow vicar